Her Unlucky Cup of Coffee

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Do you think Julius is speaking too much here? Does this peace need more dialogues or to show her reaction and not tell them?
Thanks for helping me. I truly appreciate it. Thank you.

****************************************

“Julius,” she called and approached me. “Here, drink some coffee before the day starts,” she said softly. She offered me a green over-sized mug in a pair of shaking hands.

“No, thank you,” I muttered, not for an instant had my eyes leave the screen of my phone.

“You’ll need your concentration,” she urged and raised the mug, as though to make me smell the coffee.

I looked up slowly to watch her with narrowed eyes. I was really annoyed and she seemed to be professional in choosing the least adequate moments to speak with me. And how could she smile like that all the time? It was disgusting, how giddy she was in the darkest days of our lives.

“Weekends are usually busy and you’ll—“

"And are you the maid around here?” I asked and shot her a scornful look. “I said I don’t want any.”

I didn't know if it were the look or the tone of disgust that forced her expressions to change. A low gasp parted her lips when I voiced those words, and the green mug in her hands was shaking even more tremendously. It was as though there were an earthquake centered only beneath her own feet.

Was I that vicious? I asked myself in wonder, when her eyes widened and stared up at me in a pure and flawless look of horror. She was certainly being overly dramatic with those lips that trembled in what I didn’t know was fear or shock.

That very thought was just forming in my mind, when her head bowed in defeat before me.

Was she that affected by what I said? I received the answer at once, seeing two droplets of tears falling from her eyes and into the mug. She looked so helpless, her sobs growing louder and her shoulders started to shake in rhythm with her loud breathing. But she never raised her head or even looked at me from behind her bangs.

I put my phone in my pocket and as I tried to clear my mind and think of the proper words I ought to say. The annoyance and discomfort I felt earlier gradually faded like streams of vapor from my chest, only to be replaced by that terrible guilt. Such horrible and unbearable guilt that increased while I listened to her gasping sobs.

I parted my lips to voice a few words, an apology perhaps. But the incomprehensible words that spilled from her lips interrupted me.

“I… I just… You…”

“Aurora, I didn't mean it,” I whispered. But I meant it, only that I didn't think she'd react in such a way.

Before I finished the sentence she had whirled around on her heels and sent her black hair flying behind her. In rapid paces, she rushed to the staff room without another word.

I tutted and ran my fingers in my hair. I was frustrated to see her so defeated for a few words that I didn’t, at the very least, think twice before I uttered them. What was I to do? I wasn’t having the most joyful of thoughts and people did come to say rude remarks every now and then. I wasn’t the only indecent person on this planet, was I?

Should I apologize?

I knew I should have, but I didn’t. Words of apologies were things that I had never been accustomed to. I had the slightest hint of what I was supposed to say, and it was a simple “sorry”.

What did that mean? Sorry. A mere meaningless word that expressed nothing of my fading conscience that was only starting to awake. It was true- I couldn’t deny it- that I was a terribly ill-mannered person. But, surely, I didn’t like making girls cry.

And so, a week had passed and I never apologized. In my defense, words became less fulfilling when I kept treating her worse everyday. It wasn’t my personal goal to make her life miserable, but I truly acted that way around everyone in the store- colleagues and customers- and not only her. But I wasn't doing that without a reason!

Too much problems was I forced to go through. They were very overwhelming that I barely managed taking a breath to face another enervating day. I thought I'd be relieving my soul from the horrors of my past when I came to this place, but it was more than surprising to experience the absolute opposite.

Owing Selim thousands of pounds wasn't something to sleep on every night, while he didn't allow me to hand him one dime. Meeting bandits in the street every other day became as usual as meeting lost animals in dark alleyways. Ah, and many more issues that showered my weak mind. Until when will I have to endure that?

And so, it was only normal for terrible words to make exit from my lips out of stress. At least, that was how I excused my attitude. The strange thing was this: Aurora was deeply affected by my indecent words, even when they were spoken to someone else. Was she that sensitive?

Feeling hurt merely because a cuss word reached her earshot wasn’t something to be considered normal. Am I not right?

She stopped making me coffee, of course, finally understanding that I didn’t like it. Even though we had our lunch break in the same time, she did her utmost effort to avoid speaking to me. She only looked at me from the corner of her eyes, nothing exceeding such limits.

Yet, there it was! Finally, a normal reaction to my fading manners- she was starting to learn.

**************************************
A crime scene will follow this piece in the actual novel. So, do you think it's okay to have a quiet piece like this before the fighting scene starts in the next page?
Last edited by Gheala on Tue May 17, 2011 10:54 am, edited 3 times in total.
I'm back to my YWS after months of disappearance, hoping that I'd gain the immunity of books and quills against the harmful realism of our world.

In case this made no sense, I'm just saying that I'm happy I'm back!




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Hello there :)
I thought I'd do the honours.
“Julius,” she called and approached me. “Here, drink some coffee before the day starts,” #FF0000 ">she said softly and offered me a green over-sized mug in a pair of shaking hands.
I highlighted this part because it's just not proper. It's too long. Try breaking it into 2 sentences. Like so,
“Julius,” she called and approached me. “Here, drink some coffee before the day starts,” she said softly. She offered me a green over-sized mug in a pair of shaking hands.


Try reading this, I think it has some tips on how to structure your dialogue properly.
"When did I hire you, my servant?”

Was she that affected by what I said? I received the answer at once, seeing two droplets of tears falling from her eyes and into the mug. She looked so helpless, her sobs growing louder and her shoulders started to shake in rhythm with her loud breathing. But she never raised her head or even looked at me from behind her bangs.
I love this paragraph!

So, enough with the nitpicks. To answer your questions firstly, I think because this is written in first person, Julius's voice is not at all overdone so no; I don't think that Julius is talking too much. In fact, I feel that your delivery and execution of his character is right on the money. I mean, he is totally relate-able and with just this little snippet into his story. I loved the way you described his feelings right to the last bit. I loved the way you describe things as a whole! I just feel that the way you write your dialogue needs some practice and more understanding towards the subject. I also feel that if you were to add more dialogue towards 'Aurora' to express her reaction, I don't know...maybe it would become too dramatic. I think what you have now, is fine and you should work with it. For your second question, I feel that the way you start the story is fine. It's calm, it let's me understand who I'm dealing with and what kind of mood this story is centred around and stuff. However, I would like to see more developments towards that crime scene that would follow. I would like to know more about the setting and the environment. I also feel that your transition from the office or wherever Julius was before that next week you where he was fretting about apologizing was a little rushed. Rushed because now we are talking about a neighbourhood watch (and you rushed through that as well) as well as the incident. I feel like a lot is happening in a short amount of time. On the flip-side, if there is to be a crime scene after this, you better step up the momentum after this to have me prepared for it

Phew! All in all, I love your writing so-so much.
Good luck!
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Good day!

Well, I don't think there was too much dialogue, or too much explaining, however, something I would strogly suggest: give a paragraph or two before the initial dialogue to explain where Julius is, who he is, and what he's doing. Honestly, I was confused.

NITPICKS!

“No, thank you,” I muttered, not for an instant had my eyes left the screen of my phone.


you can change that comma to a period, and capatalize the n in "not."

"Who hired you my maid?”


This confused me... I'm pretty sure there's supposed to be a comma in here...

I knew I should have, but it didn’t.


"but I didn't?"

Nevertheless, my crudity was expressed against most of the staff, not only her.


Is crudity a word? Oh... I just looked it up. It is. And you spelled it correctly too. Well, in that case, thank you for the vocab lesson XD

So, yeah... I liked your narator's sardonic attitude, although, I was sort of confused. Is this part of a novel?

Hope I helped!

--
Tabby




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Hey! I really liked it. I think it would be great if you made it into a novel, and the fight scene after sounds good too. One nitpick though:
[quote] I knew I should have, but it didn't. [Quote]

instead of the word it, it should read I. Overall, I really liked it, and can't wait to read the rest!

-Titan
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"A day without sunshine is like, well, night."




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How could I ever thank you, each and every one of you? Thank you very much for those reviews.
Come to think of it, I do think I need to make my dialogues sound more natural, especially when it comes to Aurora. I'm so glad you actually liked my style! Seriously, I was terrified to read a review that would tell me how horrible I wrote this piece. Thank you a million times, I do appreciate it!
I'll make sure I'll put more new words for you, Tabby ;)
Thanks Ziggie, Tabby and Titan.

Thank you!
I'm back to my YWS after months of disappearance, hoping that I'd gain the immunity of books and quills against the harmful realism of our world.

In case this made no sense, I'm just saying that I'm happy I'm back!




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Hey Gheal! I'm here to do a nice quick review for you. <3

Okay, overall - FINALLY!
I get to read a piece with Aurora in it. =.=
(I still have to read the ones you sent me, I apologize for not responding about that one yet - I've been busy. :c)
Anyway, I'll start off with a bit of nitpicks.
Nitpicks & Comments

“You’ll need your concentration,” she urged and raised the mug, as though to make me smell the coffee.

I know for sure you could word this better. 'Make me smell the coffee' is kind of too simple compared to what you normally have.

I was really annoyed and she seemed to be professional in choosing the least adequate moments to speak with me. And how could she smile like that all the time? It was disgusting, how giddy she was in the darkest days of our lives.

Ahaha, this is just the perfect words to describe her character. I loved it and made me laugh because we all know Julius's deepest darkest secret concerning Aurora. >:3

I didn't know if it were the look or the tone of disgust that forced her expressions to change.

*If it was the look or the tone. Not were, that's different. lol ^.^

Yet, there it was! Finally, a normal reaction to my fading manners- she was starting to learn.

I don't understand this line, what do you mean by 'yet, there it was, a normal reaction to my fading manners'?
The fact that she doesn't meet his eyes anymore or something? :c
AH! I want to read this so badly! >.<

Overall


Alright, overall I did like this piece. The dialogue was short but it was fine. I do think however, you might have cluttered it with too many little actions such as the shoulder shaking and what-not. It might be too much description that it makes the dialogue feel a bit stuffed, you know? You can try cutting out a few action phrases there a little bit and see if that helps.

Again, you descriptions are great and I enjoyed how you compared things again. However, this piece had a bit of a description problem too. There were some parts, like what I pointed out above, where I knew you could find better words for it to make it come to life but didn't. Don't dwell on this too much, actually because it's not that important but if you can word things differently, creatively but simply, then do so. It's really all your call in the end. I'm just trying to be helpful and fill this review with something so I don't feel unhelpful. xD

One thing that I do want to compliment you on thought is the way you described Aurora's character. -On the side note, I don't think her name was mentioned in this piece but that's alright since it's an excerpt- I liked how even if this wasn't the first time we've probably met her in the novel, her character does a good job explaining herself.

Oh and for the whole telly not showy thing, I don't think it was all that bad. It was short when Julius was talking to himself but everything he had to say was interesting and gave us a deeper look into his head so I wasn't bored at all. Surely, the transition between telling the week was done was a bit quick but I can't really find any other way you could possibly word that so it's alright the way it is.

Overall, this was a pretty good piece. I enjoyed learning more about Julius and Aurora and you're really getting me pumped to read this novel of yours. UGH! >.< You taunt me with your excerpts, Gheal! *Shakes fists*
Anyway, hopefully this review helped you in some area. It's really just all my two cents. xD

So yeah, let me know if you write more or post anything else because I want to read it. >.>
Don't forget to tell me or I'll come knocking on your door in a Julius costume. Mwaha. Okay, I'm done. So yeah, PM me if you need anything!

-Pink <3
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
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This is a definatly a funny, good start to a novel. I can see your caracter perfectly.
However, I think it is missing discription of how things look. Also,some sentences are bit long.
for example, you say 'She called and approched me.' it might be just me, but the and sound kind of awkward. maybe you could replace 'She called and approched me.' to 'She calleds as she approched me.'




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Got to say, Gheala- I'm glad you told me about this one.

I just read through it and will start the review in a second but I have to say it was great.
and for your questions in the beginning:
Do you think Julius is speaking too much here? Does this peace need more dialogues or to show her reaction and not tell them?
I think there was a perfect amount of speech in the piece. I know from reading previous excerpts that the characters in the novel seem, Aurora definitely, to be very distant and not the type to share emotions the way most people would.
So the amount of dialogue portrayed the characters perfectly the way I remember them.

So...on with the review..

I didn't know if it were the look or the tone of disgust

I would probably change the 'were' to 'was', however, it's not that important.

an earthquake centered only beneath her own feet.
This is a lovely phrase and a great metaphor. I love it :)

Too much problems was I forced to go through

I think maybe this should have been:
Too many problems I was forced to got through
Although, again it depends on what you're trying to get across to your readers.

So I've come to the end of what should have been a much longer review. The piece was great and there were many more lovely phrases than the one I picked out. You write brilliantly, Gheala.
The nitpicks I found were the only ones in there, I think. So there was only two which is GREAT! :)
I look forward to the next 'crime scene' piece which sounds great, and to answer your last question: Yes, it's a great introduction to a crime scene because of how quiet, clam but tense at the same time this is.

Well done, and I hope this helps :)
-thatboy
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But what you make of life.



Life is a banana peel and I am the fool who dared to tread on it.
— looseleaf