Here There Be Dragons - 10

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At the insistence of my wonderful readers, I have written the next chapter. This post is pretty long, I know, but there wasn't an ideal place midway that I could cut it off at.

I know it's been a while, so here's a recap from the last chapter:
Spoiler
Ryder has agreed to guide Chance and Jot to the kingdom Rale in order to rescue Chance's sister. Ryder knows someone from whom they can buy some horses: an old acquaintance named Daria. Daria is a tough, middle-aged woman with a young protégé named Jade that Chance is immediately attracted to. It's decided that Daria and Jade will accompany Chance, Jot, and Ryder so that Daria can make sure that her horses will return unharmed to her.


Thanks in advance for any reviews!

Here There Be Dragons
Part Ten

“Did you know that dragons will often dismember a human while it’s alive? The blood’s still gushing, you see, making it easier to lap up. And the meat’s very warm. Of course, the person will often start screaming and making a terrible noise, but if you just puncture a lung, that usually gets them to stop.”
“That’s fascinating. Do tell me more, Sir Jot.” Jade’s voice was bright, perky. As if I was telling her something lovely, like…well, I don’t know exactly what would be considered lovely, so just picture something yourself; I don’t have time for this.
I huffed. This girl was proving to be a lot less squeamish than I had anticipated. I figured that if I couldn’t eat her, then at least I’d be able to make her vomit, cry, faint in horror, or some combination therein. Sadly, she seemed to have a very strong stomach, and my tales of grisly battles, gruesome deaths, and ghastly tortures didn’t have any lasting effect on her.
“I’m tired of talking to you,” I said, trying to sound uppity and bored. I turned in the pack hanging from Chance’s saddle and faced ahead. Chance’s leg hung in front of me invitingly, and his face peered less invitingly from above.
“What’s the matter, Jot?” he asked.
“He’s tired of talking right now,” Jade answered, just as I was opening my mouth to tell Chance to go make a stew of himself. The girl urged her horse a little closer to Chance’s and she flashed him a smile, turning his face red. “I think I was too inquisitive for him. He’s probably not used to talking that long.”
“Er-em-yeah. You’re probably right.” Chance spoke in a befuddled kind of way.
There wasn’t much Jade could say in response to that, so she ended up falling back to ride alongside her mentor. Daria had insisted on bringing up the rear, a strategic move. She could henceforth keep an eye on Ryder and Chance, as well as overhear the conversations as they drifted back to her. Not that there was much worth listening to. Chance had yet to form any kind of functioning sentence around Jade, and Ryder was too intent on his job (i.e., finding our way along the very obvious dusty road) in order to avoid the consequences (i.e., me having a snack).
Personally, I felt that a lot was at stake for Chance. I could trust the grimy weasel-like man riding ahead of us about as much as Chance should trust me to not eat him—which, if you bar the bit about the vows, would be nil. But Chance felt like Ryder would come through, and I was just the back-up along for the ride, not the one in charge of making important decisions like whether to have a distraction in the form of an annoyingly un-squeamish girl accompany us.
I peeked stealthily over my back to see what she was up to. Whispering to her mentor in a gossip-like way, not a deadly secret way. I inhaled deeply to let out a hefty sigh, but ended up coughing into the pack instead. Daria had coated my scales in some kind of essence oil that smelled perfectly horrid, like fresh flowers on a spring day—this was, as she put it, to “mask your dragon-odor so the horses won’t spook.”
As if dragons could smell worse than flowers.
“I can’t take it anymore,” I hissed up at Chance. He glanced down at me, looking as if what I was saying surprised him. “I’ve got to stretch my wings. Find something other than your scrawny behind to eat. Take me out.”
“You won’t let yourself be seen, will you?” Trust the boy to keep priorities straight.
“Of course not! I don’t want to have anything to do with any more humans unless they are sliding into my gullet!”
“And you’ll return soon?”
“As soon as I’m full and satisfied.”
“You won’t go causing any trouble or—”
“I’ll go on a slaughtering spree right here and now if you do not open the pack and bring me out!” I could have easily torn through the pack, spread my wings before I fell to the ground, and flown off myself. But my wings would have cramped like hell if I exerted them in that short of time. Besides, I’d have nothing to ride in after that, and even though I could walk or fly along, why expend that much energy? Someone could comment that I sound lazy, but I like to say that I’m just being practical.
My words convinced Chance, and he unbuckled the pack, lowering his hand for me to clamber up. Well, maybe he was going to pick me up, but I took the initiative and used his long arm to hook my claws into and scale up; the way the boy squealed on about the pain, you’d have thought he didn’t have a sleeve to protect his preciously pale skin. I perched on Chance’s thigh, extending my claws every time the horse’s awkward gait threw me off balance, spreading my wings slowly and then pushing off. Between the rush of air from my wings and the yelp of pain from Chance, I think the horse spooked, shying away unexpectedly and so unseating Chance. All I know for sure is that as I glanced back, I saw Chance on his bottom on the road, his horse trotting off, and Jade hiding a giggle behind her hand.
Good luck ever living with a girl who’s as sympathetic as that.
I glanced at Daria; she was watching me with a little smile on her face, the kind that made me feel like she knew something about me that I wouldn’t like. Shaking off the uneasy feeling, I soared high, reveling in the wind and the power. For a time, at least, I was free.
*****

After consuming four rabbits, two pigs, and a human (he was a bard, one of those nomadic musicians who wouldn’t be missed), I figured it was about time to return. The sun was setting and casting the skies in a bloody glow; the humans would be setting up a camp.
We hadn’t traveled that far, but since we had only started mid-afternoon, that was to be expected. Daria hadn’t wasted any time since striking the deal to pack up, Jade naturally emulating her mentor. It was within the hour of payment that we had all set off, Ryder leading the way and the rest of us strung out in a scraggly line. Daria and Jade’s horses were loaded with an assortment of dubious-looking baggage and paraphernalia.
I discovered that said rubbish was used to construct a shelter that looked as skeptical as the stuff it was made out of. There were three tall poles, stuck into the ground, surmounted by a large, heavy, blue sheet. The edges of the sheet were pinned in the ground with little wooden stakes, and the top of the sheet was tied off at the top of the poles with coarse rope. All in all, it was a pretty shoddy tent-thing, and I admit I didn’t feel too bad when it collapsed due to the strong wind being buffeted from my descending wings.
“Jot! That took ages to put up!” Chance’s welcomes could use a little work, I decided.
“So-rry. I was just landing, you know.”
“You don’t have to land right by the tent!”
“Oh, so that’s what it is! Thought it was some kind of malformed cloth-monster about to topple over from faintness. In which case, I would have done it a favor.” I folded my wings and eyed the mass of sheet and poles. “Although I think I still did a favor.”
Jade sighed. “Could you at least help hammer in the poles again? You’re so strong, you’d be able to do it in seconds.”
Like I would fall for flattery. “Sorry, I just finished eating an odd-tasting human; he has the flavor of music. I’ve got to get it out of my mouth.” I started to shuffle off.
“I guess he’s just too weak then,” Jade observed too loudly to Chance. “Obviously if he was strong enough, he could pound them in without hesitation.”
Like I was going to fall for that, either. I waddled off without seeming to have heard, leaving the children to their shelter construction.
Ryder, I noticed, was trying unsuccessfully to build a fire a little ways off; he had the circle of rocks and the wood and dry grass piled neatly up, but the flint was refusing to give him a single spark. I coughed as I passed; a little blaze happened to leap from my throat, and the whole thing was soon alit with flames. Ryder muttered an ungrateful thank-you, and I continued on.
Daria was attending to the horses, picketing them to the ground and removing their tack, and I watched from a polite distance, having refracted my scales so the nervous beasts wouldn’t take alarm at my impressive size and terrifying visage. I still stank of flowers, albeit bloody flowers now.
“Did you have a good meal?” Daria suddenly asked, her back to me as she undid a horse’s saddle straps.
I belched. “Oh yes.”
“Good. A satiated dragon is much easier to deal with than an irritated, hungry one.”
Daria’s face gave nothing away, no matter how hard I might peer. “Oh, so you’ve had a lot of experience with dragons before?”
She set a saddle on the ground some feet away and flashed a tired smile in my direction. “I’ve had enough.”
I watched in respectful silence as she finished rubbing down the sweaty horses, then joined the two tent-makers. There was a certain gravity about Daria that just seeped with the secrets of a tough past. I have to say, if it came to it, she would have been the one out of our group that I’d have left alone and let live. Better to lose one human than an eye, wing, or tail. Or all three, in Daria’s case. I had no doubt that she could manage to give me a good showdown before I prevailed.
Watching the horses graze proved to be too boring (and tempting) for me, so I reluctantly joined the rest of the group, changing back to my cat size and slinking close to the warm flames. They were busy making a meal of the provisions Daria and Jade had brought, as well as a few pitiful additions from Chance. Ryder had nothing to contribute, food-wise. And other.
“We’ll need to hunt along our way,” Daria said as I slunk up to sit beside Chance. “When we reach Thornbone Forest, we won’t be able to find as many animals.”
“Really? I thought they would be more abundant.” Chance frowned.
“In any other forest, perhaps. Not in the Thornbone, though. It’s too rife with…unusual creatures. Most of the normal animals can sense the danger and instinctively avoid the forest.”
“What sort of unusual creatures?” Chance leaned forward, peering at Daria sitting across the fire.
She raised an eyebrow at him. “You mean to tell me you haven’t heard the stories?”
“Oh.” Chance leaned back dismissively. “The ones about lost travelers and witches and unspeakable horrors? Of course. But they’re just tales, aren’t they?”
Ryder snorted. “You believe that, boy!” Chance shot him a glare and glanced back at Daria.
She was silent just long enough to make Chance start to doubt himself. When she finally spoke, it was in a low voice, and everyone leaned forward to hear her words.
“I used to think so, too. I went out there with a friend, on a dare. I got out, four days later, injured and half-mad.” She stared at the flickering light of the fire.
“What happened to your friend?” Chance whispered.
“He died.” Daria’s voice was clipped, as if she was only letting the words out, not the emotions. “Or, more accurately, he was killed. By something dark. I never got a good look—all I remember seeing was a dark shadow, then hearing his screams, and then—” she broke off, glancing down at the ground and taking a deep breath. Jade placed a comforting hand on her mentor’s shoulder.
The group sank into a weighty, depressed silence, each human staring into the fire with their own thoughts dancing in their minds.
It was ridiculous.
“That’s something to look forward to,” I said cheerfully. Everyone blinked and looked up at me. “Fighting off killing shadows in a dense forest? Sounds like we’ll have a jolly good time. Can’t wait. No wonder you wanted to bring us all along, Chance—share in the fun, eh?”
Chance’s cheeks turned awfully red as furtive glances were shot in his direction. “I didn’t choose this route! It was the fastest one, that’s all I heard.”
“It is.” Daria’s tone was straightforward. “It’s also one of the most dangerous. But right now, speed is the key to your journey being a successful one,” she looked at Chance as she spoke. “Hence, the Thornbone Forest.”
“We’ve still got the Squalling Fells to cross before we reach the forest,” Ryder added. “That’ll give us plenty of trouble before we near any trees.”
“What sort of creatures are there?”
I nearly sighed in exasperation at this. The boy was such an idiot. It was almost as if he had never been out of the four walls of his own courtyard. I peeked at his pale face. Perhaps I was closer to the truth than I thought.
“Best to save that kind of talk for the daylight,” Ryder said, lowering his voice in a pitiful attempt at an ominous tone.
Chance was quiet, glancing from Daria to Ryder, probably pondering on this new information of unspeakable terrors. Jade watched him, I noticed, her green eyes looking odd in the orange light of the fire. She seemed to be a little sad, no doubt at Chance’s ignorance.
Again, as the group degenerated into melancholic quietude, I felt it was up to me to rouse their spirits.
“Well! I’ve had a long day, and I could use some sleep. What say you to a bit of sleep now? It’ll be much easier to face these big beasties when it’s morning.”
Daria rose. If one could ever be described as having stood smoothly, she certainly did. “Jot is right. We must rest now. Ryder, you will take first watch. Then Chance, then Jade, and finally I shall watch until morning.”
“Two hours each,” Ryder piped up.
“Sitting by the fire, unless you hear something.”
“In which case,” Ryder finished Daria’s instructions, “you move away from the light, so you can see without being seen.”
“And yell if it’s something dangerous; we’re relying on you, too.” Daria spoke especially to Chance, who nodded somberly.
As the humans cleaned up their camp and snuggled into the tent, Ryder staying by the fire, I tried to figure out our new companions. Daria and Ryder had obviously worked together before—as noted by her complete lack of trust in him. However, it seemed that they were too much in sync to really have been at complete odds during their whole acquaintance. I vaguely wondered what could have happened. Friends until one betrayed the other? Love story gone sour?
I shook my head. Thinking about humans too much would get me feeling some kind of attachment to them. And then what would happen once my side of bargain was complete and I would be free to devour them? I wouldn’t be able to, that’s what. Because I’d feel connected and start dredging up memories of our time together and it’d be simply horrible. I’d become the laughingstock of all dragons for centuries to come. Couldn’t eat a human because I became partial to my supper? Ridiculous.
With a huff, I marched away from the campsite, to sleep by myself. I’d had enough of humans for the day. As I curled up by a shrubby bush in the dark, I couldn’t help but think that the fire had been rather nice and warm to sit next to.
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
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Wait for it.


Waiiiittttttt fooooooooooor iiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

I'M FIRST !!! woop, woop!

No, no issues. I'm happy :D

Oh my, you really have his voice down pat. I was already smiling before starting to read but this was brilliant! Oh, Jot! haha. I bursted out laughing when he said Jade must be sad at Chance's ignorance. Aww, he has no idea, does he?

I think you did a brilliant job at bringing us back into the story, and I do say I love Jade and Daria very much. They have nice personalities, especially Daria who seems to command Jot's respect. Never would have expected that. And poor un-squeamish Jade! haha.

I really have nothing to say. The only thing I was going to mention was when Jot said he was watching Daria in respectful silence, and I had to wonder why. Then you answered my question.

So glad I managed to bully you into this. Emma will be quite pleased also.

Keep using that keyboard!
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You know, RH, the only problem I have with your story is accepting the fact that Daria has so readily agreed to go with the group on the shallow excuse of watching after her animals. I think she may reveal a deeper reason later on, but if that was just your way of forming up a party to go level up in the scary, creepy forest, then cut it there. It needs to be believable for me to accept it.
Also, I find that I'm not liking Jade so much. Not sure why. :?
Anyways, I wanted to get that said, for fear of going all woop-woop-crazy like your Mum up there. ;)
*ahem* I will now proceed to go woop-woop-crazy.
WOOT WOOT! WAR EAGLE! DRAGONS! CRAZY SHIZZ!
You finally got another chapter up! :D :D Jot is wonderful! And he ate a bard? :lol: Excellent, glad to see he's still a dragon and not a pet.
*ahem* [/woot-woot-crazy]
Jenth
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Yay!!! YAAAY!!!!

Hahaha, so much for "You don't have to comment or review or even read it, because it's been so long..."! Just face it: We've all been waiting for this!!

Before you know it, this will be on the front page again!

But now to my review, so I may procrastinate longer from studying.

All in all it was believable, nice chapter to read, giving us enough information, while still entertaining us with Jot's voice in the background. I too loved that he ate a bard! It's building up to exciting chapters to come... Will they survive that forest?
Now coming to the parts that weren't perfect.
Daria seems so tough and hard, it's not quite believable that she would be that (openly) sad about her dead friend. Maybe rewrite it in a way that let's us guess that she is quite sad, but her bowing her head in grief is just too much for her, in my opinion.
Also, would they really choose such a dangerous route? If course we want to have some action and some adventure to happen, but it wasn't hinted earlier that this would be really that dangerous. Just saying.

I think that was it... Oh, one more thing: Don't keep us waiting so long this time!

Nah, I know how difficult continuing a story can be, so don't let the stress get to you!

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Daria seems so tough and hard, it's not quite believable that she would be that (openly) sad about her dead friend. Maybe rewrite it in a way that let's us guess that she is quite sad, but her bowing her head in grief is just too much for her, in my opinion


I guess it all depends how we see Daria here. I see her as tough and strong but also private. If she had bursted out crying, I definitely would have had issues. But I liked her reaction here.

Also, Jent, watch it: I'm contagious ;)




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Hey all, thanks for your reviews! :D A couple of things I wanted to address...

Also, I find that I'm not liking Jade so much. Not sure why.

I don't like her much, either. XD I'm working on it, trying to find some unexpected part of her personality that'll make her a bit more personable.

Daria seems so tough and hard, it's not quite believable that she would be that (openly) sad about her dead friend.

Ah, but you haven't yet heard the full extent of said friendship. ;) Enough to warrant a head-bow from Daria, in my opinion.

Also, would they really choose such a dangerous route?

I'm pretty sure I mentioned somewhere before that it was the shortest way, since they're just cutting through the mountains instead of having to skirt around the range, and right now speed is what Chance really wants.

Thanks again! I really appreciate the time you guys took to read and comment. :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
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Wait for meeeeee! Meh, Mum beat me again...by miles.

So glad I managed to bully you into this. Emma will be quite pleased also.
Oh, Emma's pleased. Very. Yaaaaaaaay, more HTBD! I hope we won't be waiting so long for the next part; reading more made me realise how much I missed it. )-: You should write a little every few days or so. That's what I try to do. There's a little rhyme that goes something like this: a sentence a day keeps Tanya at bay ;D

so, I have to agree that I don't really care too much about Jade... :S I don't know, she seems a little too silly and girlish at times.
Jade hiding a giggle behind her hand.
Is probably where I got this from. She just feels a little flimsy a character... We don't really know enough about her to care about her. Her personality doesn't feel narrowed down enough... Jot: sarcastic, hilarious. Chase: brave knight, a little geeky. Ryder: not trust worthy, but not Bad. Smelly. Daria: tough woman with secrets about her past no doubt. ;D Jade... Chase's love interest... Maybe you could add in a little more about why exactly Jade wants to come along with them other than "my trainer's going". Does she follow Daria around everywhere? She must have her own thoughts and reasons for tagging along. Personally, I'd love for Jade to have some in depth conversations with one of the others. Maybe she could reveal a little more about her life, what happened to her parents, why she's fascinated by Jot (has she always loved dragons?) and why she'd want to come along? Just...throw in a couple of details about her, make her jump off the page...er, screen... O.o We already know so much about Chase, but who is Jade? We want to get to know her and make sure she's good enough for Chase. XD Brainwave, maybe we don't care much about Jade because Jot doesn't. You're so good with getting us into his head, he respects Daria and, even though we know her about as much as Jade, we respect her too. So maybe when Jot starts to like Jade a little more, then we will too. Just a thought. (-:

“Oh, so you’ve had a lot of experience with dragons before?”
She set a saddle on the ground some feet away and flashed a tired smile in my direction. “I’ve had enough.”

Ooooohhhh, I want to know more! Daria's so mysterious. *sigh* We'll know more about this soon, yus? Yus??

The group sank into a weighty, depressed silence, each human staring into the fire with their own thoughts dancing in their minds.
It was ridiculous.

I love how fresh jot's POV makes everything. To be honest, I didn't really get into the "creepiness" of that moment. If it's because of Jot's narration or it just felt too sudden a change of mood, I don't know. Maybe you could focus on the small things: reactions from individual people, a gust of cold air, strange noises coming from the surrounding wood? All a tiny bit clichéd, but bringing in the environment to add to the mood makes a big difference.

As for Daria's tale of her friend. I'm on the fence with that. If they were really close, then her reaction is understandable, but since you're portraying her as such a mysterious, keeps-things-close-to-her-chest kind of character, having her so...open (if that's the right word) with her emotions with pretty much a bunch of strangers is a little strange. I personally think she'd be a bit more guarded, or at least give Jade a stern look for comforting her in front of everyone. (I get the feeling people like Daria view having others comforting them as showing weakness, and Daria seems the type to like to appear strong.)


Sooo, that's all I've got. (-: You already know how amazing I think this is, so I'll leave it at that. Please write more soooon, sis! ...But don't feel too pressured or anything... ;D

Loff <3
Your = Possession. Your shoes are so sweet!
You're = Omission. You're quite strange...

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Sooo, that's all I've got. (-: You already know how amazing I think this is, so I'll leave it at that. Please write more soooon, sis! ...But don't feel too pressured or anything... ;D


Bite your tongue, young lady! She must feel pressured!

There's a little rhyme that goes something like this: a sentence a day keeps Tanya at bay ;D


Tis true, but it only works for short periods of time ;)




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Yo. Sup. *nods*

Because of your lack of posting (shame on you ;)), I may be a little rusty when I review this. I've had to remind myself of who is who, what exactly has happened already and such, but that has nothing to do with you though. I just forget things way too easily... But yeah! Sorry if this sucks. >.<

Now that you have posted this chapter, I'm so happy! I really have missed your characters and their world. It's awesome to see that despite struggling to write this, you've been able to keep Jot's voice. He's still as funny and amusing as ever. I'm definitely interested in seeing what's going to happen in the forest, and I'm hoping we'll get some awesome action. Hehe, I've got my hopes up, and I'm pretty sure you'll fulfil them. As always, your grammar and the general technicality of the writing was great, so I have no problems there. Awesome job, as always!

I kind of have to agree with what was said about Jade. She's not my favourite character, but on the other hand, I don't exactly not like her as such. The problem is that I don't think you've brought her to life as well as you maybe could have. Compared to your other characters, she's... well, not boring as such, but not quite as quirky, I guess. I'm not saying all of your characters have to be immensely interesting, but I'd like to see parts of Jade that make her character different from your everyday girl, her unique quirks, I guess. One thing I did like about her though was the way she didn't get horrified by Jot's description of the way he killed things and such at the beginning: that was good. I'd like to see some more quirks like that, I think.

This next point is more of a suggestion than a critique really, so take it as you wish. Basically, you know the scene where Jot went away from the humans to stretch his legs and such? I think it would be good if you made more of that. This is entirely up to you, but maybe you could have shown us him eating the bard or something. It could have had some really great humour potential. That would mean lengthening the part though, so you may not want that. Like I said, it's entirely up to you.

On the same note, I actually think it could have been effective if during the time when Jot is away form the humans, he could have some thoughts about, well, what he's gotten himself into. You could have him reconsider going on the quest. It would put us readers on edge and make us think, "no! Jot won't leave them, will he?" e.t.c. I think this could be good for the ending too where you have Jot worrying about him getting attached to the humans. He'd think back to when he was reconsidering going on the quest, but then decided to do continue with it, then realise, "zomg... I chose to stay with these pale freaks. I'm not actually beginning to like them, am I...?" It would add some conflict, I suppose.

The two paragraphs above aren't exactly critiques, but suggestions. I obviously don't want to tell you what to do with your story or anything, so please take them with a pinch of salt. I just think you could have shown us a bit of an insight into Jot's time on his own, plus it would be interesting to see what he's like when he isn't with all the humans. We haven't really seen him like that yet apart from at the very beginning were we saw him briefly on his own. It's completely up to you though! ^_^

Awesome job here, Hawkey!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

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P.S. I think Tanya's stalking this thread/post.
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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P.S. I think Tanya's stalking this thread/post



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Am not.




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You are, too :P
Your = Possession. Your shoes are so sweet!
You're = Omission. You're quite strange...

If you are confused about which to put, simply say in your mind "you are" and see if that fits the sentence. If not, you are looking for your.

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Sorry Tanya, but I'm with Skinsy and Emma on this... you stalk. (don't try to hide it, you know you do)
Ahem. Moving on.

Chapter 10 here I go!

Ranger Hawk wrote:I could have easily torn through the pack, spread my wings before I fell to the ground, and flown off myself. But my wings would have cramped like hell if I exerted them in that short of time. Besides, I’d have nothing to ride in after that, and even though I could walk or fly along, why expend that much energy? Someone could comment that I sound lazy, but I like to say that I’m just being practical.

Hihihihihihihi
Sounds like me.

Contrary to everybody else, though, I have nothing further to say. I don't have any nit-picks, and I didn't find anything wrong with Daria or Jade. I liked them just fine and can imagine them well enough :)
Loved Jot's humour, as always.
And I have nothing else to say, so I'll just stop writing so I can stop wasting precious reading time XD
Good chappie :3 !!
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I'm not sure which is more amusing to read: the novel chapter or the family discussion happening below. ^^

So. Another great chapter. I know you took a while between writing parts 9 and 10, but I definitely don't think the novel suffered any in your absence. If anything, methinks, Jot's voice got more brilliant over your hiatus and came back better than ever. There's not much happening in this chapter, yet you managed to make it one of the most amusing ones yet just by just making his constant stream of commentary really witty and just so Jot. Highly enjoyable.

I'm actually a little confused about why people are disliking Jade. I think she seems pretty cool. After reading this chapter, I was a lot more impressed with her than I was after the last one--I like her lack of squeamishness. It reminds me of my favorite clock, who enjoys cutting open dead pigeons. *ehem* I think the reason people aren't liking her is that I feel like we don't see enough of her, and what we do see doesn't make enough of an impression. It makes an impression on Chance (!) but not really on Jot. He's mildly impressed at her lack of squeamishness (squeamislessness?) but even that isn't all that striking because we didn't really get a sense of his expectations of her. I think if we got more of a "gosh, she's going to be such a ditz" vibe from Jot in the previous chapters, then her boldness and occasional tomboyishness would be more shocking.

Meh, I'm not sure if any of this will help or not. -.- The thing is, I like the idea of Jade, but I just think she feels a little flat right now and I'm trying to put my finger on why. Lemme try a few more ideas.

I think that maybe if you made her relationship with Daria a little clearer, that would help. Pretty much everyone's scared of Daria, right? 'Cause she's daunting. Is Jade afraid of her too? I know there's a soft spot between them, but is it constantly apparent or is it something that just appears in moments of weakness? Right now Jade seems like the slightly cold, quiet, tough, but secretly sensitive type--someone who deep down is very different from your first impression of them. But I think it's really important to get the first impression well-developed, so that you can then proceed to show how her actual self departs from that as we get to know her.

Along those same lines, maybe you should make her interactions with others be more impressive in general? I still don't really know how she acts around Chance--I don't think she's particularly cold, but I can't really tell if she's neutral or warm. Yes, she smiles occasionally, but is she doing that because she likes him or because she is just that way with everyone? I think showing how she interacts with the different characters could go a long way in helping flesh her out.

Actually, all of your character interactions in this chapter seem a little less polarized than previously. Ryder doesn't seem so afraid of Daria and Daria doesn't seem as condescending to Ryder, Chance doesn't seem as wary of Jot and Jot doesn't seem quite as skeptical of everyone. Chance is just as infatuated with Jade as usual, so there's nothing to complain about there--but in general I think your characters could do to be a wee bit more punchy. Make sure they don't all start meshing into one big blob of plot. ^_^

Oh, and I'm not doing nit-picks, but there's one thing that jumped out at me:
The edges of the sheet were pinned in the ground with little wooden stakes, and the top of the sheet was tied off at the top of the poles with coarse rope.
This repetition felt odd--I think you need to reword it. I think you could just make it "The edges of the sheet were pinned in the ground with little wooden stakes, and the top of the sheet was tied off with coarse rope.", but you should probably play around until you get something you like.

Aah! I'm all caught up now, aren't I? O: Now I'll need to start bugging you to post more...



She conquered her demons and wore her scars like wings.
— Atticus