Perpetua

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scrape
the shavings of my heart
from under your fingernails,
you clawed from the inside of your car
And sing the ABCs while you wash your soul,
you sobered when the clock frowned
And afterwards make yourself a sandwich with guilt,
you must be hungry after all that work

peel
away the echoes of my cries
from the backs of your eyelids,
you tried very hard not to enjoy it
And do some yoga to sooth your heartburn,
you gave your mistake a backrub for its trouble
And crawl beneath the sheets of your ordeal,
you caged yourself like an animal in filth

forgive
me for the broken bone
i delivered when the daisies wilted,
you forgot to water them, you know
And listen to the woman who woke you,
you buoyed in the sludge of can't and tried
And perhaps try again tomorrow to sew your skin into a quilt,
you counted the lesions on the wall and began again
Last edited by sleepthief on Fri May 20, 2011 1:19 am, edited 1 time in total.
"I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul."



*avatar credit Anjali25 on deviantArt*




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Gender Female
Points 7297
Reviews 156
scrape
the shavings of my heart use a synonym for 'heart'. It'll sound less cliche. Love the imagery though.
from under your fingernails,
you clawed from the inside of your carperiod
And sing the ABCs while you wash your soul,
you sobered when the clock frowned
And afterwards make yourself a sandwich with guilt, The 'and's should be avoided. Sometimes it works in a poem to end/start a line with 'and' but they're best unused.
you must be hungry after all that work
This stanza's lines feel really really choppy. There's too many ideas in on sentence. Punctuation would help a lot too.
peel
away the echoes of my cries
from the backs of your eyelids, again, wonderful imagery
you tried very hard not to enjoy it
And do some yoga to clear your hands, The sentence structure is really weird. You do from past to present and it's confusing. Too many ideas in one stanza again. I'm pretty sure these lines are a 'separate' poem, but this isn't very obvious and is mixes up your reader.
you gave your mistake a backrub for its trouble
And crawl beneath the sheets of your ordeal,
you caged yourself like an animal in filth great imagery.

forgive
me for the broken bone
i delivered when the daisies wilted,
you forgot to water them, you know
And listen to the woman who woke you,
you buoyed in the sludge of "can't' and 'tried'
And perhaps try again tomorrow to sew your skin into a quilt,
you counted the lesions on the wall and began again

Keep writing! this was really creative.
-KatTrain
So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra....




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 367
Reviews 165
Liked it. Shorter, but got the meaning across very, very well. This poem portrays a very unique emotion; a "you've done something bad to me, but I will forgive you if you promise to take responsibility for your actions and change." Very sweet, very well done.
Shakespearian tongue-twister:

To sit in solemn silence
In a dark, dank dock
In a pestilential prison
With a lifelong lock;
Awaiting the sensation
Of a short, sharp shock
Of a cheap, chippy chopper
On a big black block.



This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much all of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movement of small green pieces of paper, which was odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy