Prophecy - Prologue

Beth turned the corner, her shoes held in her hand. She was far better off without them anyway. Stones scratched the soles of her feet and tears stung her eyes. She kept running. He was behind her.

Some trees lay ahead, safety? Maybe. Stepping onto the soft grass gave some relief to her sore feet but she couldn’t stop, not yet. From thick trunks to thin vines, she wove or broke her way through as best she could, not stopping for anything. Nettles stung at her ankles leaving a blotchy patch behind them. Thorns and snapped branches got caught on her dress, in her hair and scratched at her skin.

She couldn’t keep going, she knew that. . . He knew that. He was waiting for her, because he knew he could. Only thing was, He wouldn’t get tired at all. Beth swung back around into the village again, the quiet streets were empty at this time of night, but they never failed to offer some form of comfort. Ducking into an alleyway, the fastest way to her home, Beth ran. A moment or two more. Just one more turn to go and she would be done. Finished. Gone.

She made the turned, her whole body pushing itself more than ever before. Then she stumbled back, holding her head in her hands. The dizziness she could feel it coming on again. It was always when she pushed herself too far. Deep breaths, try to walk. Beth’s legs buckled and she fell back against the wall before collapsing in a heap on the floor. She convulsed for a moment, her whole body twitching and loosing control. Then she was awake again but it was too late. He stood in front of her, his cold smile sending a chill down her back. Beth lent to the side and coughed, holding her stomach before being sick onto the mud floor.

“Did you think you could get away?” a voice asked from nearby. “There’s no way you could have, even had you gotten inside. Mummy can’t protect you from something she thinks is a made up story.” Beth shifted her feet slightly and looked up. She saw darkness, but some movement. A flash of white, teeth? Then a pain. Or at least pain at first, after a few heartbeats it turned into a slightly pleasurable sensation. He held her in his arms, his breath on her neck, but his talon like nails digging into her flesh. His teeth, no more than fangs, sinking deeper into her throat. Beth clutched one shoe, her safety blanket . . . the other lost a long way back amongst the trees and vine.

Hiya, Apple!

This chapter is definitely on the right track. The pacing and description are good. You also do a good job of building suspense, which is difficult to do in such a short space when the reader isn't invested in the character yet.

That said, I think you could turn this into quite the ensnaring chapter, and something tells me you'll pick up on this stuff pretty quickly. I know good writing instincts when I read 'em.

So, here goes.

1. Your punctuation

The bane of your existence, perhaps? No worries. Punctuation doesn't really make sense. I don't want to go through and fix it all for you, because that's not how I roll, but... a few examples, mayhaps?

Beth turned the corner; her shoes held in her hand, she was far better off without them anyway.

They way you've got this punctuated doesn't make sense. A semicolon indicates a connection between two complete, related-idea sentences, like a symbolic "since" or "therefore" or "as a result." The sentence "Her shoes held in her hand, she was far better off without them anyway" doesn't make sense on its own, at least not at first. And you don't want the reader to have to think that much at the beginning of the novel, much less in a scene like this.

Shorter sentences are more actiony anyway, which you know judging by your use of fragments later. So why not split this one up into two?

Beth turned the corner, her shoes held in her hand. She was far better off without them anyway.

That works better, if you ask me--but that's just what I would do.

Some trees lay ahead, safety?

That one above also needs some different punctuation. The comma isn't cutting it.

Nettles stung at her ankles leaving a blotchy patch behind them.

Okay, so the way you have this sentence punctuated isn't saying what you think is says. Without the comma in between the main clause (Nettles...ankles) and the participle phrase (leaving...them), you're saying that her ankles are leaving a blotchy patch behind them, not the nettles. Add a comma, and the thing doing the leaving of the blotchy patches are the nettles.

You have some other errors like this, so beware. And some other errors in general. Most likely, someone else is going to point them out, so hold tight for that.

2. Sentence structure

You've got some strange constructions going on in some places. As I said before, you don't want the reader to have to stop and puzzle over things. That means they have to stop paying attention to the action. So, think simple. Varying sentences is awesome, but it shouldn't come at the expense of clarity. So, these guys here:

From thick trunks to thin vines, she wove or broke her way through as best she could,

The dizziness it came again

They could use some reworking.

3. The transition...

Ducking into an alleyway, the fastest way to her home, Beth ran. A moment or two more. One more turn and she was done. Finished. Gone.

She turned, her whole body pushing itself more than ever before. Then she stumbled back, holding her head in her hands. The dizziness it came again

So, at the end of the paragraph, she's finished and gone. Then she's turning again and becoming finished and gone again. Redundant and confusing...and a bit of a pace killer.

4. The pace/tension/drama/what have you

I like the shortness of this, but you could make it longer, too. Expand on the detail some to give us a sense of the world (but not too much, and only to enhance the tension!). Another idea might be to make reaching her house more of a tangible goal. If we think we can get away, that gives us, the readers, more of a stake in staying around and reading--to see if she does get away.

Also, what is this with the trunks and vines? Is there a jungle? Right at the edge of a village? (Curiosity questions mainly, but they hopefully give you some ideas of where to go with the description.)

And, remember. Short, clipped sentences with strong verbs and subjects early on--they're your friends.

5. Beth

Getting the reader invested in a character's wellbeing in the space of five paragraphs is hard--yet another reason to expand some!--but you're already on the right track. This bit with her shoes gives us an insight into who Beth is, and it frames the scene nicely. Also, I get the sense of her being asthmatic, which gives us another idea of her without sacrificing the pace and tension for the sake of exposition.

My point being that, if you can slip--sneakily!--more information about her, what makes her different from anyone else running from a vampire, that makes us more invested in what happens to her.

And, if you give the reader the sense of that maybe, if she just reaches the house, it'll all be okay, and you impart her terror to us... awesome bagels. It'll make his comment at the end all the more punchy.

I hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions!

Rach

This was really interesting so far. It has a nice pace, great suspense, and your descriptions are breathtaking. I hope you continue with this, considering it's captured my attention (something very hard to do.) Anyways, best of luck on your future writes and great job on this first chapter.

I know you must've posted this a long time ago but I just wanted to review one of your work. So here I am. I see you've done a pretty good job in sending chills down my spine. It was full of suspense and I really wish more people to see this because it's better than most stories I've read. I like vampire fantasy! No, wait... I love it! The way you describe everything, it made me feel like I was there. I want to read more of this (It's part of a novel right?). Do keep writing.

Some trees lay ahead, safety?
To me it doesn't make sense,try a diffrent puncutation.

there were a couple more mistakes, but they were pointed out above. I really enjoyed it. Vampire fantasy....i like them....you made me feel like i was there.



I hope this is part of a novel. Hope to see more of this story on YWS!!!




Keep up the good work

This is really good. Its really interesting!!!
It gives a really good mind movie and i really like that. Its like i dont have to work so hard to get what you mean!
Keep writing!!!

But just one thing. You can always add a line or remove one line. Never leave it just cause you think is done have another person review it befor eyou publish!

Fly On~ Raven