Even When You Died

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 0
Reviews 67
When you screamed, I loved you.
When you lied, I loved you.
When you punished, I loved you.
I still love you now.

When you died, I loved you.
You died three times that night.
They brought you back again,
But you were not the same.

When you hurt, I loved you.
So much I wished I could
Take all the pain you ever felt
And throw it in the trash.

When you spoke, I loved you.
I heard you say my name.
Over time you learned
Just how to live again.

When you walked, I loved you.
Everyone was proud of you,
But we both knew that somehow,
Only I really understood.

Now you cope, and I love you.
For how strong you are
and how you still helped me
as I desperately tried to help you.

Yes, Daddy, I love you.
When you were stern,
Strong, weak, or caring.
I loved you, and I always will.

Spoiler
Another poem for my dad. He was in a motorcycle accident, and he lost his leg. Even when he was in so much pain and such a dire situation, he still worried about my brother and I. I love him so much.
"And when you're out there,
without care, yeah,
I was out of touch!
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough,
I just knew too much."




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1931
Reviews 72
I feel so bad for you. I could never imagine that happening to my dad. If I lost him in any way, it would be devastating. He's already had a lot of supposed-to-be-fatal diseases. He just has this crazy immune system! But, wow...I don't know what to say. I loved it.

On an insensitive, technical side, check out the second stanza, third line. Should there be a capital after that comma? Is that within your style here? And in stanza for you have all capitals but are missing a comma/period. Check that out, too. In stanza six, you just ditched the whole capitalization thing. Other than that it was wonderful in the best sense to use a word like that.

I again can't imagine what it's like, and, I feel bad knowing I could never take his pain. Stay strong throughout anything.

--Skis
By nature, all language is flawed.

"Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding," - Albert Einstein




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 9616
Reviews 263
Hello there. :) Nice title. :smt023 It's catchy.

Nitpicks:

When you screamed, I loved you.
When you lied, I loved you.
When you punished, I loved you.
I still love you now.

- Wow. This seemed like the chorus of a song. xD :smt023

You died three times that night.

- How did he 'die' three times?

They brought you back again,

- Who are 'they'? (This was clarified in the spoiler but I hope you could clarify this in the poem alone.)

When you hurt, I loved you.
So much I wished I could
Take all the pain you ever felt
And throw it in the trash.

- Didn't you mean 'When you were hurt' in the first line? You said that 'he felt pain' in the following lines.

- - - - - - -

First of all, it's so sad about your dad. I hope he gets better. ^_^ You laid out the emotion in the poem very well. I, as a reader, can easily say that you really love your father. :) I think it'd be awesome if he read this. :smt023 And I thought from the beginning until the last verse that this was another poem about a tragic love story. Turns out, it is about your father. You did a nice job making that 'twist/revelation' in the end. :smt023 Also, I didn't find anything wrong in the poem other than what I nitpicked.

Never stop writing! :D
“(...) and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” - Gandalf, The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 3820
Reviews 90
Wow! This is really good!

Well Written!

~FW~
http://www.isiseiyr.com
~When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world. ~ George Carver

Writing...they claim it is a dangerous occupation... 'they' have no idea!




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1374
Reviews 102
This is such a touching piece! I loved every part of it! It had so much emotion but too much as to overwhelm the reader. It was just right ;) Keep it up! :)
"Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass." ~ Anton Chekhov



The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.
— Marcel Proust