Heartbreak

Spoiler

Just a little something a wrote on a spur of the moment. Review!

She’s waiting patiently.
Dark has just fallen. It’s a clear night and the stars are bright. The crescent moon glows and its shape matches the grin on her face.
Her heart is beating excitedly with anticipation. Her palms are sweating.
She’s standing under the weeping willow by the river and she’s waiting.
Minutes pass by. The crickets chirping around her –creek, creek, creek –their song is like the ticking of a clock.
The night air turns chilly and the girls lavender sweater is little protection against the cold.
Slowly, her smile disappears. Her excitement is replaced with anxiety.
Heartbreak is a horrible thing.
The realization that he is not coming crashes down and rips through her, leaving her feeling raw and exposed. A whimper escapes her lips as she feels the pain in her chest.
She wraps her arms around her shoulders and hugs herself tightly, as if the hurt and betrayal she feels will spill out otherwise.
Hot tears well up in her eyes and spill over, cascading down her cheeks, dripping off her chin.
She sobs in the moonlight and when her tears no longer come, she shuffles away; heartbroken, pathetic, and lost inside.

This is exactly how it feels like to have a broken heart. It like literally hurts....good job....

Hey there!

I think this piece has real potential. The feelings you described were great - I could really imagine how the girl was feeling. On the down side though, I couldn't sympathise with her because I had no background to her story. This piece shouts flash fiction, and that's fine, but I'd still like some more information. It doesn't have to be much, just simple little details really. Like, how long had she been waiting? Maybe a name of the person she's waiting for - it'll help the reader to picture the person who breaks her heart for themselves. Who was the person she was waiting for - crush? boyfriend? And lastly, why she was meeting them there? You don't have to add in massive chunks of info-dump paragraphs, but maybe some small snippets of information. For example -

'She's been waiting for hours now. It hadn't been cold when she'd arrived at the spot where she'd agreed to meet Adam. Her heart swells at the image of him; her wonderful boyfriend.'

It's a bit of a lame example, but you get the idea. It's just, at the moment, she's waiting and then suddenly she realises that he's not coming and we have this sad image of her sobbing over her broken heart, without the background to enable us to feel for her.

Also, I did spot some mistakes. My suggested corrections will be in bold.

She’s waiting patiently.
Dark has just fallen. It’s a clear night and the stars are bright. The crescent moon glows and it’s shape matches the grin on her face.
Her heart is beating excitedly with anticipation. Her palms are sweating.
She’s standing under the weeping willow by the river and she’s waiting.
[I think here would be a good place to add in the information I suggested above.]
Minutes pass by. The crickets chirping around her –creek, creek, creek –their song is like the ticking of a clock.
The night air turns chilly and the girls lavender sweater is little protection against the cold.
Slowly, her smile disappears. Her excitement is replaced with anxiety.
Heartbreak is a horrible thing.
The realization that he is not coming crashes down and rips through her, leaving her feeling raw and exposed. A whimper escapes her lips as she feels the pain in her chest.
She wraps her arms around her shoulders and hugs herself tightly, as if the hurt and betrayal she feels will spill out otherwise.
Hot tears well up in her eyes and spill over, cascading down her cheeks and dripping off her chin.
She sobs in the moonlight and when her tears no longer come, she shuffles away; heartbroken, pathetic, and lost inside.

***

Overall, I think you did well and this piece has potential. It just needs fleshing out a little more to make it great

I hope this review helps!

xDudettex

wow!! .this is a cute story!! .i really love it! <3 .the emotions are so real!! ,that's what really a broken-hearted would feel.. .and i also agree that you should add tiny little details. .but, overall, it's wonderful!! .nice job! keep writing!!

I love this story! You really did a great job! Thank you so much for posting this!