Rain or Shine

This is a poem I wrote for a Point Of View assignment last month. Enjoy!


The rain washes over me,
Removing the dirt and grime I have so blindly smeared upon myself.
It cleans me,
Renews my soul.
It prepares me for a new birth,
a new day.


The rain washes over me,
Drowning me in the horrible mistakes I have so stupidly made.
It torments me,
Yet makes it easier to blend in.
It forces me to look back,
But I don't want to go back.


The sun appears from behind the clouds,
Heating my skin and drying the preparation for this lovely day.
It warms my body,
Makes my soul glow.
It reminds me that there is always tomorrow,
No matter the mistakes of today.


The sun appears from behind the clouds,
Burning my eyes and forcing my face to heat with the embarrassment of exposure.
It sets my skin aflame,
My soul screaming.
It reminds me that there is always tomorrow,
A new opportunity to create new scars.

~Allie Rose~

You decide -- Rain or Shine?

hi! I thought your poem was really interesting =) I was a little confused at first when I was halfway through it but when I finished I thought it was really clever =D I like how it shows how you can see things depending on how you feel. I especially liked the line
It reminds me that there is always tomorrow,
A new opportunity to create new scars.
I think this line is very good. Your poem also has a lot of imagry and really engages the sense =) I think your poem is great! The format was different but intersting and I find nothing wrong with your poem at all =D Keep writing!! =}

Well thank you! I'm glad you like it ^^

Hi Allie! ^^ Here to review as requested.

First of all, I'm going to say that this poem was okay. It was pretty in some respects, and easy to read and follow. It had a decent flow, and I was thrilled that it didn't rhyme. (Not even kidding.) It was a simple poem, and decently sweet.

One thing I did notice, though, was that you liked to use a lot of cliche descriptions and comparisons. There wasn't a whole lot of fresh or different imagery here, and nothing that really hooks your reader and makes them want to read more of it. Simple and sweet, but a bit dull and cliche at the same time. I'll just point out a few lines to show you what I'm talking about:

The rain washes over me,
Drowning me in the horrible mistakes I have so stupidly made.

Using rain as a metaphor for grief or opression is cliche. Rain and rain that drowns you in the horrible mistakes... it really isn't a very good description to use. (And the second line sounded a bit wordy in my opinion - it was one of the few pieces of the poem that were hard to follow, but I won't get too into that).

It warms my body,
Makes my soul glow.

Boring and cliche - the last line especially just didn't sound good in my opinion. Glowing souls... you could probably think of something better than that.

It reminds me that there is always tomorrow,
No matter the mistakes of today.

Good message, and it's true, but the phrase and the thought itself is very overused in poetry and any kind of writing, really. You can still use something similar to this, but it would probably sound better if it was phrased differently. Just something to give it a bit of livliness.

My soul screaming.

Screaming souls. Just... well it's extremely cliche. I would try and avoid that phrase as much as humanly possible. xD

The last two lines, however, I did like a bit. They were somewhat different, and they put a slight twist on the rest of the poem. They weren't absolutely heart-stopping amazing or anything, but they were definitely my favorite lines in the poem. Overall, you have something simple and sweet, but you need to add something to make it sound a bit more life-like. It needs to be a bit less dull. You have imagery, which is good, but it's not fresh imagery. Look at what you have here, and see if you can use different phrases, words, similes, metaphors, etc... to create something that's completely your own. Twist what you have until it's bursting with beautiful images that the reader will enjoy.

Keep writing,
~~Ish.

Allie wrote:This is a poem I wrote for a Point Of View assignment last month. Enjoy!


The rain washes over me,
Removing the dirt and grime I have so blindly smeared upon myself.
It cleans me,
Renews my soul.
It prepares me for a new birth,
a new day.


The rain washes over me,
Drowning me in the horrible mistakes I have so stupidly made.
It torments me,
Yet makes it easier to blend in.
It forces me to look back,
But I don't want to go back.


The sun appears from behind the clouds,
Heating my skin and drying the preparation for this lovely day.
It warms my body,
Makes my soul glow.
It reminds me that there is always tomorrow,
No matter the mistakes of today.


The sun appears from behind the clouds,
Burning my eyes and forcing my face to heat with the embarrassment of exposure.
It sets my skin aflame,
My soul screaming.
It reminds me that there is always tomorrow,
A new opportunity to create new scars.

~Allie Rose~

You decide -- Rain or Shine?

Allie, hi MMM again with another review for you. Ok, so I noticed immediately you've got an active speaking tone and you like to state things in finite, definite, concrete terms. So is this a conversation with yourself? A monologue you wrote in your diary? Why should you post this on YWS?

Also, the note you leave at the end with your name and the italicized question, completely cuts off any connection I have to what is read. Regardless if it's part of the poem. In fact, I take that back, the way you wrote the poem does that already, your additions on top of the poem show you have no appreciation for your audience.

First, look at your diction. Is this interesting? Do I really care if you renew your soul? Well how? So what if the rain does something to you. How does it do it? Where is the imagery in this poem to make me fall into the world you've created? Or is there any at all? Too much of this poem is about “me”, in fact count the usage of personal pronouns in this poem. Cut out 85% and see what you can build on from there: why does the body matter, why does the rain matter, and then what is my theme? What am I really trying to say for an audience to care about?

Allie! I liked your other poem so much that I had to come back!

Anyway, one thing I think you can do to make this poem that much better is to have an added contrast of rain and shine... for instance, the period where the sun has just come out and you're still soaked. I think the happy view would be that the sun is lifting up all the grime that the water has collected and raising them up to the heavens whereas the more pessimistic view would be to feel so soaked and feel as if the sun is mocking you by being so radiant, and you are such a mess. If that makes sense. That way, it would help lead into the shine bit, plus give some always-juicy commentary about optimism versus pessimism... always a good thing! After all, we love adding to poetry.

Anyway, nice stuff here! Your English class looks so cool and it's good that you seem to be enjoying it as much as you are... your poetry seems to be really clean and simple, but in its simplicity, it says a lot, and that is a beautiful thing.