You Taught Me

I haven't written a poem in a long time. I've never been very good at 'hidden' rhyme schemes and they are certainly a complete nightmare to write, but it was a school experiment that I felt like sharing. (: Let me know what you think of it.

It’s strange, my friend,
How life is. With all the change
And swapping, catching,
Picking up and dropping.

I still dwell upon those days
When you made my life hell. With your
Short skirts, kitten heels, sly grins
Quiet winks and obvious flirts.

And all that time you
Knew that I was small but
Always there to reassure you that you
Had beautiful eyes and gorgeous hair.

In return you would shun me, and leave me
By myself, I suppose that’s when it turned
Upside down for you. They started to
Realise that you weren’t the best in town.

After you’d parted to rejoin
Old friends, I couldn’t say that I was broken hearted.
It was me in the heels and the skirts
Sly grins, quiet winks. It was all just unreal.

Transforming into you one step
At a time. Walking in your shoes.
I even began to date your ex boyfriend
And by that time, it had become too late.

Oh Millie, my darling. Why couldn’t
I see that your behaviour was appalling yet appealing.
And that I can mend my ways, become myself again.
For there was one thing that you taught me.
How to be a good friend.

This is kind of confusing, but maybe that's just. At first, I didn't even know if the narrator was a boy or girl. I thought it was talking about a very pretty girl flirting with a loser guy and teasing him/leading him on but he fell in love with her. Then the whole ex boyfriend thing came up and I was like "what in the world?" Unless this a homosexual poem, I'm very confused.

Also, spread out your vocabulary . In a lot of poetry, it's not really supposed to make sense so used unusual words that wouldn't be expected.

This is really lovely. It's about a girl whose friend is the popular girl at school, and when she leaves the mc takes her place? Yes? That's what I got, anyway.
Your rhyming scheme is wonderful. It took me quite a while to notice that it was there at all, which is great! It really kept the flow going and gave the poem an almost lyrical quality. Your rhythm is good too.

Oh Millie, my darling. Why couldn’t
I see that your behaviour was appalling yet appealing.
And that I can mend my ways, become myself again.
For there was one thing that you taught me.
How to be a good friend.

This was the only bit I didn't like. You changed your beautiful rhyming scheme, and it's also a little too uplifting, or something, for my taste. I wanted to see your mc become the cold-hearted popular girl entirely, but that's probably just me. I like unhappy endings. You gave her a glimmer of hope of being able to 'mend her ways', which is nice too. But I would at least fix up the rhyming scheme to be like the rest of the poem, the change threw me off.

All in all a wonderful piece of work!

-pigeon

For those people who are confused about the gender, it's a girl. Girls reassure each other about looks all the time. Anyway, I didn't really like it. It seemed rushed. It talked about you becoming her, then all of the sudden you're just like, "Okay I'm me again". It didn't make sense. How did you realize that it was wrong? How did you get it? What happened to her? Besides that, I like your idea. Just rework it!

I've seen this plot happen in films but never in a poem so bravo for that. It was unexpected and certainly caught my attention. This is good. Admittedly more in an 'it's really well written for your age' kind of way but you should be no less pleased with that; I think you have some great potential. Here's a few specific comments on the poem that may help you out:

It’s strange, my friend,
How life is. With all the change
And swapping, catching,
Picking up and dropping. [Alright so one thing I love about your first stanza is that half rhyme. But! It starts so slow and there's nothing interesting said in those first two lines. Swapping and dropping make an awesome sound so you have me satisfied structurally but the meanings of your words are so bland. Your narrator needs a stronger tone. Or stronger words. Stronger tone could be made like this: 'How strange, my friend is life.' It's a clearer statement, more powerful. Or you change the words. Calling life strange isn't enough. Instead, choose a strange image and say that is life. Like maybe life is like a toaster wearing a ballet skirt and marching in a parade. You'd have to explain the image of course and play with its essense, but it would be ever so much more interesting than saying life is strange.]

I still dwell upon those days
When you made my life hell. With your [Made my life hell is again a bit too cliche of you. Don't tell. Show.]
Short skirts, kitten heels, sly grins [Good image. I like kitten heels, very nice but maybe throw in something more unusual there as well? What makes this girl different to every other popular girl? The characters of poetry should have their own personalities too, just like characters in books.]
Quiet winks and obvious flirts.

And all that time you
Knew that I was small but
Always there to reassure you that you
Had beautiful eyes and gorgeous hair. [Reads a little too much like prose. Shake the language up a little, throw in some sounds, some alliteration and plosives. Poems are sounds as much as they are words.]

Transforming into you one step
At a time. Walking in your shoes.
I even began to date your ex boyfriend [This would be better with more showing instead of telling. Like:
At a time. Walking in your shoes,
kissing your ex behind the bike shed with
the smoke of cigarettes still fresh in his mouth
and your lipstick on his shirt.
You need strong images that the reader can grab on to.]
And by that time, it had become too late.

Oh Millie, my darling. Why couldn’t
I see that your behaviour was appalling yet appealing. [Nice play with the words.]
And that I can mend my ways, become myself again.
For there was one thing that you taught me.
How to be a good friend.

Alright so the ending isn't bad and as I said, I do like this. There's some very good ideas behind it and you're getting the idea of how to play with words and rhyme. So just keep writing. Keep reading poetry and writing poetry and I'm sure the art will come to you more and more. Thanks for the read,

Heather xxx