Wings (revised 2)

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Revised once again! I'm quite pleased with it now, but i'd still like to hear other people's thoughts on it :D

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“I saw a boy pulling the wings off a fly today. It made me think of you.”
I remember how she just smiled warmly as if it was the best compliment she’d ever received. The accident itself is a blur, but I can still see her nose wrinkling as she smiled, as if she was sitting right in front of me. She laughed and said, “You’re a funny little boy Peter, what has that got to do with me?”
“He didn’t do it on purpose. It wasn’t his fault. It was wriggling around too much. The wings just came off. I imagined the sound in my head; ‘pop’. Do you think they grow back?”
“No I don’t think so. Maybe he had a spare pair?”
“Yeah he’d have a spare pair!” I exclaimed, laughing with delight. “They wouldn’t be his best, not his favourite, they were gone, he’d have to use the dirty pair with holes in. He’d have to stop every five minutes to readjust them. It’d take him ages to fly home, his mum would be worried: ‘Where is Lenny?’ she’d say, that’s his name: Lenny. ‘Where is Lenny? I was expecting him home an hour ago, his dinner’s getting cold.’ ”
My mother would have probably cut me off half-way through this fantasy. She would’ve told me not to bother Sam with such nonsense, but she knew I liked to talk to her by myself so she always went to read the newspaper while we had time alone. It was unusual for me to have an adult to play with who wasn’t family, and that was partly why I enjoyed seeing her so much. But mostly it was because she always played along with what I said; she seemed like she genuinely wanted to hear what I had to say.
“Dinner? What do flies eat for dinner?”
“Beans on toast, obviously. And then he’d come through the door, wings all in a mess, out of breath, tears in his eyes, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I can’t believe I lost them’, the wings were a birthday present from his Nan who got the ones with the red stripe across the back, he’d been asking for them for weeks, and now he’d lost them; stupid, stupid, stupid, all because he wasn’t looking where he was going and went straight into this wet patch on the floor.”
I went silent as the doctor came over to check how she was feeling. I had been covertly watching him walk round the ward earlier asking the same questions, making the same banal small-talk, all in the same bored tone of voice, like an action figure that says a handful of phrases.
Once he had finished he checked the different machines she was plugged into, consulted his chart and left the ward. I hated those machines. I can remember one in particular vividly. It stood in the corner puffing and wheezing like some kind of animal. My mother told me that it was helping Sam to breathe; it was keeping her alive. But to me it seemed to be doing the complete opposite. It was feeding off of her. Every single breath it took it stole from her, slowly sucking the life out of her body.
Once the doctor left, Sam began to cough. She reached to get a tissue from the bedside cabinet but winced as she tried to grasp it, so I took the box myself and gave it to her.
“Thank you, Peter.” We sat in silence for a minute; the only noise coming from the tick and whirr of various machines around the ward. “I got you a present, well, I asked a friend to get it for you; I’m not going anywhere fast,” she laughed. “It’s not much, just something I thought you would like.”
“A present! Where is it? Can I have it now?”
“Yes of course,” she said, smiling. “That’s why I bought it for you. Okay, close your eyes and I’ll put it in your hands.”
I screwed up my eyes as hard as possible, as if if I caught even the tiniest glimpse of the present it would disappear in an instant.
“Can I open them now?”
“Wait.” She placed the package in my hands. “Okay, now.”
It was a rectangular box wrapped in red paper. I furiously stripped the box of its skin, wanting to get to the good stuff as fast as I could. For a moment, the boy in the chair disappeared and was replaced by an explosion of paper and sellotape; bits flying out all over the place like a firework going off.
Inside the box was a pair of shoes with a red stripe on the side of each one. My mother always told me to make sure that I tied my shoe laces properly, but instead I tucked my shoe laces into my shoes. She would say, “One day you’ll have an accident because your shoe laces aren’t tied properly and you’ll hurt yourself”, but I always tucked my shoe laces into my shoes, because it was easier. After the accident, she never had to tell me to tie my shoe laces ever again.
“Wow! Thanks Sam!” I said, turning them over in my hands and inspecting them from every angle. “Red is my favourite colour: my bedroom is red and my schoolbag is red and the planet Mars is red and strawberries are red and tomatoes are red an-”
“Yes, I thought you would like them,” she quickly said, but with a look of satisfaction on her face. My happiness was short-lived as a realisation came over me.
“But … but I didn’t get you anything.”
“Oh Peter, that’s ok. I didn’t want anything.” Once again there was silence. I now felt so crestfallen that I couldn’t bring myself to speak. The ticks and whirrs carried on like insects in the night.
“I know. Why don’t you tell me a story? And that can be my present.”
“A story, okay! A story, a story … um … I don’t have any stories, but I had a dream about you again last night.”
“Okay. Tell me about your dream. That would be lovely.”
“Okay. I’m floating around in a big swimming pool and it’s so big I can’t see the bottom or the top and I’m just floating around in it. And it’s really dark and it’s cold but I feel like I could float there forever and I wouldn’t mind. But then there’s this huge rumble and I realise I’m not in a swimming pool at all, I’m really floating around in the stomach of a huge monster. And then I want to swim away, but I’m stuck, and then you are there too and you help me and you protect me and then I wake up.”
At this Sam’s usual ever-present smile cracked, just for a second, and I could see water begin to leak out of her eyes. Never having seen an adult cry before I wasn’t sure what to do, but she stopped herself with a tissue before I could do anything. Soon after my mother came back and we said goodbye and left.
That day was the last time I saw her, and it has always haunted me. Even now I can’t enter a hospital without feeling nauseous. I walk in and all the people I see have her face; they laugh like her; their noses wrinkle when they smile. I play the accident over in my head again and again, but I still trip over my laces; she still pushes me out of the way and the car still hits her instead of me.




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This is really good Leebass. I haven't read the earlier versions, but I can tell you worked hard on this. But if you are willing to read one more review I will give one to you. I liked this because it was short, sweet, and I really got a feel of your main character. I can't remember his name now, but that is besides the point. XD

If I read this and it was any other main character, I would say you gave too many info dumps. But it really did fit into a little kids viewpoint. Everyone knows that children minds are always skipping around. But I thought this one was particularly bad:

Inside the box was a pair of shoes with a red stripe on the side of each one. My mother always told me to make sure that I tied my shoe laces properly, but instead I tucked my shoe laces into my shoes. She would say, “One day you’ll have an accident because your shoe laces aren’t tied properly and you’ll hurt yourself”, but I always tucked my shoe laces into my shoes, because it was easier. After the accident, she never had to tell me to tie my shoe laces ever again.


First I think you should rephrase it so it doesn't repeat itself. But why I really don't like this is because it started to make me think that the girl was somehow hurt because he tripped over his shoelaces or something. I still didn't know if that happened at the end. So it was something you didn't close up, even if you didn't mean for me to think of it. I suppose I am just one person, but other people could feel the same way.

Besides that I am afraid I can't really help you. I suppose that is a good thing :D. If you have any questions just P.M. me.

Thanks,

A. S.




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Hey-oh!

Haven't read the original, so I'll just go on what I have here, mmkay?

I liked this. It was sweet and rambly and sad. But I liked the voice in it, alternating between the little boy's rambling and the more adult narration as he recalls it all.

My main problem was that I was slightly disturbed by the fly story. I mean, why did he think of her when he saw the boy pull the wings off a fly? I mean, really? It confuses me just a little and makes me just the slightest bit concerned for this child and/or Sam.

The reveal of the accident was really nice. We get those little glimpses and mentions of "the accident" and when it all wraps up in the end, wow. I wasn't quite sure what it had to do with the title though. I can see the wings being the intro of the story, but they don't really come into play anywhere again. If anything, the shoes are more of a central part of the story than anything else.

And, while I'm thinking on it, where did Sam get the shoes from? It sounds as though she's been in the hospital for a while now. Did someone else get them at her request? It just seems like something you'd really have to be there to pick out, to make sure you had the right size and style and everything. Did she have them before the accident? Is there a mention of this somewhere that I just missed? It just seems like kind of a big question mark, though perhaps I'm just thinking too hard about it.

I did like this. It was just long enough to draw us in and make us care, but it didn't overstay its welcome. Very nice.

Feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions/comments!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.



If I'm going to burn, it might as well be bright.
— Frank Zhang