stranded

Hey this is my first story not sure if any good.

"Help," I heard it again. I looked around and thought, where is that coming from? I started walking towards the sound, east. It was getting dark out here. Thoughts ran through my head, I'm only 15, what if I die out here with the other person? I was scared, and I heard every noise."Help," I heard it again except I felt right next to it. I turned to my left and let out a big yell. Right there was a girl, she had to be 8 or 9. She was hanging by her arms and she was paler than ever. I knew her, that was my little sister. Terror went straight over me, where was I and what was going on. A man came up with a gun, "hey, you girl." I stopped mid tracks, I turned and right there the gun was faced right in my face. I screamed and bang, the gun went off.
I jumped straight up out of my bed. My heart was pounding out of my chest. It was just a dream. My brother ran into my room, "Dude, are you o.k?" I replied with a simple nod.

Hello there and welcome to YWS!!!
Well, on to the review.
I felt your writing was okay as I read through your story. My one major problem is your paragraphing. You have a huge chunk of words in the body of the story,

"Help," I heard it again.(new paragraph here) I looked around and thought, where is that coming from? I started walking towards the sound, east. It was getting dark out here. Thoughts ran through my head, I'm only 15, what if I die out here with the other person? I was scared, and I heard every noise.(new paragraph here)"Help," I heard it again except I felt right next to it. (new paragraph here)I turned to my left and let out a big yell. Right there was a girl, she had to be 8 or 9. She was hanging by her arms and she was paler than ever. I knew her, that was my little sister. Terror went straight over me,(full stop) where was I and what was going on. A man came up with a gun, new paragraph)"hey, you girl." (new paragraph)I stopped mid tracks, I turned and right there the gun was faced right in my face. I screamed and bang, the gun went off.

I think you get the idea. All in all, your writing is not that bad. Your descriptions are pretty well done. Except, personally I would have liked to see more out of the story. I know that dreams can be pretty short and confusing- and you kind of captured that- but I would have liked to see more descriptions on what was going on, the setting, how the area looked like, the atmosphere, how the narrator and the girl and the man looked like. Yes, the man; was he scary, was he big...you know, I want that mental picture as you saw it.

Anyway, I hope I could help.
Keep writing, posting and get some reviews going as well.
Good luck!

First of all, I don't like the ending. At all, it's like an abrupt hit in the face. We've been given this taste of terror and adventure and then it all collapsed. This is just my opinion, but I think it would've been better if you got rid of the 'I woke up and it was all just a dream' part.

Okay, I reliase this is all a dream, but it's a bit vague. I'd like to know more. You say here:

shyandwise wrote:It was getting dark out there.

Out where? Where is this?

And also, the man:

shyandwise wrote: A man came up with a gun

What does the man look like? Even a simple, 'big' or 'tall' would be better than nothing at all.

So, tell us more, show us more. What does your sister's voice sound like when she called out for help? What did the place look like? Was it big? Was it small?

It's a bit short for me to really comment on it. But at the moment, it's all looking a bit vague, I don't know the characters, I don't know where they are and the only thing happening is the guy with a gun coming to shoot the character. I think you can expand on it. Tell us more. Keep the story going. But that's just my opinion.

Hey there!

I think this story does have some potential - you began to build up some great tension and I could sense how worried the MC (main character) was, but then it kind of ended. And fell flat on its face. The whole 'and then I woke up' thing has been done so many times before and, to be honest, it makes the story seem pointless. Like MiRaCLeS said, I think it would have been better without the 'it was all a dream' ending. You could have just ended it after she was shot - it would leave the reader wanting more. I think the cliff-hanger ending would work well here.

I also want to bring up something else that MiRaCLeS mentioned; descriptions. I want to know what the place looks like. What the voice sounds like. Just images on what's going on in general. At the moment, it's almost as if I'm reading the story blind - if that could work - but you get what I mean. The drama that you're building up in the story all seems a bit flat if you don't back it up with sights and smells and sounds. Make the reader use their senses - they'll be grateful for it.

You also have a problem with paragraphing and spelling/punctuation. It won't take a lot to clear it up, so there's no need to worry. I'd suggest using spell check before you post and the general rule is that you start a new paragraph everytime someone new speaks or there is a change in scene. Because your piece is so small, I'll quote it all and point out the things that I think should be changed. My suggested corrections will be in bold.

"Help."
I heard it again. I looked around and thought, where is that coming from? I started walking towards the sound; east. It was getting dark out here. Thoughts ran through my head; I'm only fifteen, what if I die out here with the other person? I was scared, and I heard every noise.
"Help."
I heard it again except I felt right next to it. I turned to my left and let out a big yell. Right there was a girl, she had to be eight or nine. She was hanging by her arms and she was paler than ever. I knew her. It was my little sister. Terror went straight through me. Where was I and what was going on? A man came up with a gun.
"Hey, you girl." I stopped mid tracks. I turned and there the gun was pointed right in my face. I screamed and bang, the gun went off.
I jumped straight up out of my bed. My heart was pounding out of my chest. It was just a dream. My brother ran into my room, "Dude, are you okay?"
I replied with a simple nod.

Okay, so you don't have to change everything that I've pointed out - just the punctuation and paragraphing. I did change a couple of words for others, just as I felt they would fit better and have more of an impact on the story. A tip for writing a piece full of tension would be to use shorter sentences. You don't have to fill the piece with short sentences, but maybe use a couple as they help to build tension.

***

Overall, I think you have a good start to a story here. You just need to be careful on punctuating and structuring the piece properly, so it's easier to read. If you add in descriptions like has been suggested, I think this piece has the potential to be great!

I hope this review helps and I didn't sound too harsh - I just want your writing to shine!

xDudettex