Things to do Before You Die

Chapter One
Where am I?

I sat up and took a look at my surroundings. All I could see was gray. I put a hand up to my head and started to scratch it in confusion.

Hair.

I had hair.

My long, auburn locks that had fallen out when the chemo started were back. I couldn’t stop the huge grin coming up on my face. This had to be a dream. It had to be.

I wrapped a stray curl around my finger and brought it in front of my face. It was really light…almost transparent. I stood up quickly and looked at myself. My whole body was that way.

What if this wasn’t a dream? What if I was…

“Dead?” I heard a voice behind me. I whirled around, startled.

A small boy with shaggy golden hair was standing behind me. He was wearing a too-long black robe that made him seem much smaller than he actually was.

“…A…Adrian?!” I squealed. I bent down and hugged my little brother. He’d died in a car accident when he was ten. We were as close as a brother and sister could get. I missed him so much.

“Sis…?” he choked out. I let go of him and looked at him.

“Aide, it’s me,” I said, using my pet name for him.

“You look…so old…” he said.

“Of course I am, silly!” I said. “It’s been four years since….wait….If you’re here, than this means that I’m…”

“Dead,” Adrian finished for me. I sunk down to my knees.

“I thought I was falling asleep,” I said softly. “I thought…”

“It’s okay, Aubrey…” he said and gently touched my shoulder. “It’s not like you could stop it…”

“But then if I’m dead, then the cancer’s won. I promise myself I wouldn’t stop fighting until…” I reached into my pocket and pulled out a scrap of paper.

“What’s that?” he asked.

“My list of stuff to do before I die. Remember, you helped me make it. That rainy day in the hospital, when we overheard the conversation the docs had with Mum and Dad about how long I had left. You said I ought to make a list. So I did,” I said and smiled at the memory.

“Ohhhh, yeah. You didn’t finish it?” he asked, and his eyes widened.

“Nope,” I sighed. “And now….I’ll never get the chance to finish it.” I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to hold back the tears. My hands holding the paper shook. I felt Adrian gently touch my hands, and I opened my eyes to look at him.

“It’s okay, Aub…being here’s not that…wait.” Adrian said and looked back off into the distance. “Actually, there might be a way…”

“What? Really?” I asked.

“I don’t know. You’d have to go up into the city to try and convince Destin,” he said, turning back to face me.

“Destin?” I said.

“He’s the king around here,” Adrian said. “If there’s a way to get back, he’ll know about it…”

“Well, Aide, why haven’t you tried to go see him?” I asked.

“Practically every spirit’s tried,” he said. “He’s got a really big castle. It’s impossible to break into. When he goes out, he’s got a lot of weird, really tall creatures as his bodyguards. The most I’ve ever seen of him was his shoes. Black high-tops…”

“High-tops?” I laughed.

“Yeah, I know. Not the kind of shoes that you’d expect a king of the dead to wear…” he said.

“Definitely not,” I said, then looked around. “So….where exactly is this city?”

“Oh. Yeah, I forgot. We’re in the Neitherworld right now,” he said. “We’re in between the worlds of the living and the dead. People often end up here right after they die…though sometimes they get stuck in the living world for some reason and usually end up becoming vampires and zombies and weird stuff like that.”

“R…really?” I asked.

“Yeah…usually a loved one who’s already died comes here to help guide the other person into the realm of the dead. I didn’t know that you were dying, though…I sometimes wander around in here for no reason in particular,” he said and ran his fingers through his hair.

“Oh,” I said. “So…are you going to show me the way?”

“Sure...Why not,” he said and smiled. I put my list in my back pocket and took his hand, leaving the Neitherworld behind us.

Hey Chibi! I'm Walker, here to review this piece so I hope you don't mind! And, before I start, lately I've been reviewing a ton of poetry, so my prose reviewing is a little rusty xD. Please take what you will of this!

Nit-picks:

Spoiler

My long, auburn locks that had fallen out when the chemo started were back.

You have an area that could use some commas or even dashes. Place the first comma/dash behind locks and the second behind chemo.

I wrapped a stray curl around my finger and brought it in front of my face. It was really light…almost transparent. I stood up quickly and looked at myself. My whole body was that way.

We get a lot of this sort of 'telling' aspect right off the bat. Pretty much you just saying what your character is doing which leaves something to be desired. We want to be shown. We want to glimpse into the soul of the writer. Here, we merely have a rushed jotting down of what you want to happen but not anything more than that.

A small boy with shaggy golden hair was standing behind me.

First, lets start off with a little bit of a reality check. If this boy is her legitimate brother, than his hair would either be brown, aurburn, or a slight strawberry blond. When you jump around with hair colour on siblings, it makes them not really seem like siblings at all. You don't want to go for this tone.

Secondly, describing their hair colour does not explain much about them as people. So far, all we know is he has a robe and golden hair whilst she has auburn. That sheds only a very small amount of light into character developement of which you need to work really hard on, in any case.

“…A…Adrian?!” I squealed.

Squealed.... not a good word choice here. Squealed makes your character sound childish in a not so flattering sort of way. Squealed is like when a thirteen year old sees Justin Bieber on tv. Lets think of better dialogue descriptions.

I bent down and hugged my little brother. He’d died in a car accident when he was ten. We were as close as a brother and sister could get. I missed him so much.

Heres another example of going through the motions. Just this time its extremely choppy. The 'I did this.' 'I did that.' 'He did this.', can be very annoying to read. Break it up and try to add more colour and texture.

“Aide, it’s me,” I said, using my pet name for him.

As writers, it is not our job to state the obvious. In this case, its obviously a pet name. If we didn't get that from the fact that she was still talking to him and that it looked short for Adrian, then we could have gotten it from the fact that there isn't anyone else there but them two. So I would take the unnecessary bits out completely.

But then if I’m dead, then the cancer’s won.

Word repetition. A silent but deadly killer. Try not to use any words twice in a sentence unless its the, its, is, and, and what not. Then should not be a word repeated so quickly. You wouldn't say it out loud. You shouldn't have to write it that way.

You said I ought to make a list.

So this boy was intelligent enough to think about the symbolisim and closure that a bucket list could bring and hes only ten? Again, get serious. We want to be able to connect to your work.

My hands holding the paper shook.

Though we do not, as writers, state the obvious, some wording should be made that isn't as well. Such as, in this case, you should have had that were after 'hands'. Also, there should be a comma before and after the 'that were holding the paper'.

“It’s okay, Aub…being here’s not that…wait.” Adrian said and looked back off into the distance. “Actually, there might be a way…”

You make it sound wayyy to easy to get out of death. It that were so, this world would be full of dead people, ne?

“Sure...Why not,” he said and smiled.

Usually the answer would be something on the lines of 'of course!' Shouldn't it be expected? xD.

Alright, so those were some nit-picks you may find useful in reading. I usually don't note upon anything that isn't repeated more than once as a common mistake.

Overall:

This sounds a little unoriginal if you ask me.

You seem to have a tie between Soul Eater and The Lovely Bones going on with this, which isn't all that bad seeing as there are many things that make this style your own, but you are being very vague with character and plot. In fact, I found this whole thing to feel very cliche, like you have this amazing idea in your head for whats going to happen that you just didn't feel like making the entrance very strong.

But every piece of a novel should be consistantly strong.

I want to see you start differentiating within character. Give us personality, background, reason. Show us why it even matters whether she keeps this bucket list going, or if it really doesn't, why is she so upset? Make us feel bad for her before you just sort of throw her into a plotline that could easily become something faulty and weak. I want to see you really brainstorm and work hard to grasp at the topic.

That and I was a little bit disappointed at your structure. You tend to tell us about whats happening but the inner emotion of the characters doesn't show through. You chose first person. You chose one of the hardest to write in specifically because this is the intimate connection between a reader and your character. We need to see exactly what your character is seeing yet all we're getting is a somewhat sloppily narrated story far from the eyes of this said protagonist.

I love the idea of writing in death. I love the idea that you want to show us something and that you're excited about this piece. Just slow it down and take your time. Patience is a writers top virtue. If you're not willing to give it that, you're not going to be very successful.

~Walker

Wow you are a really good writer and I'm already hooked. This story is so original already.

I don't really have any nitpicks although it's all dialogue which I'm usually not a fan of. However, it works well here and I can't think of any other way to do it.

I don't have anything else to say besides nice job! I see that you have a novel and if you have another chapter then I'm going to go read it. If not then feel free to send me it when you write it, I'd be happy to read!