The Magi [Ch.9}

I know its been a long time, and I had a hard time writing this chapter. Check it out!


Nine:
Darkness is peace, lightness is joy.
~Sonny Elise Starr


“Will you guys stop?” Greg’s exasperated voice penetrated Kevin and Ava, who stood, wrapped in each other, their arms wound so tightly, you couldn’t tell who’s arms where whose. Kevin ignored him, but Ava didn’t. She tried to pull away, but he wouldn’t let her go. His arms slipped down to her hips, gripping them tightly. “Kevin!” she gasped, pulling away for a second. He still ignored her, his lips reaching out to catch hers. “Stop! Stop it Kevin Price!” Kevin paused, his lips near her nose.
“What?” he said, his eyebrows raised.
“We don’t have time for this. We have to get out of here!”
His eyes flickered as though remembering. “Ah. That.” He let go of her, and turned as the knob of the locked door turned.
****************************
Three Men, clothed in white, stormed in. One grabbing Kevin, one grabbing Greg away from the window and the last, grabbing Ava around her neck. She gasped, her lungs already vying for air. Her head spun with a memory of her training at Moonie’s castle.

She was standing there, in a room all alone. Moonie was watching through a peep hole in the wall, But if something happened, he wouldn’t help. He’s a cold man. A mean, cold man. Ava thought, looking at the contraption she was supposed to walk into. It would close around her neck, applying gentle pressure, doing something some demons did in the last struggle. Trying to choke the Alt-bringer, who was trying to kill them. Kevin,Titi and Greg had already been through it and passed. She was the last one to do it. But she was afraid. So afraid.
That day, she had almost died. The metal band would have killed her, if Kevin, watching with the Magi, unable to watch the spasms that had overcome her body. He had pushed the hidden door open and sprinted over to her, his strong arms, ripping the flimsy band from her neck. She had collapsed, and hadn’t come to, for hours. Her lungs still burning.


Tears squeezed out of her eyes, and the people in white coats started to walk. Then stopped. Kevin, two groups ahead, was struggling, pulling at the meaty hands around his neck, “Ava! Remember the lesson!” he yelled. “Remember it! What did Moo-“ he was cut off by the hands closing over her wind pipe.
What lesson? Ava thought, what the hell is he talking about?

Her mind was starting to fog over, she was shaking, and fear was over coming her. The one thing that she feared the most. Choking.

At some point, Ava passed out. Kevin had looked back, saw her slumped, and began, to struggle again. The white uniformed guard had pressed a hand kerchief, soaked in chloroform to his nose and mouth. Before the sickly sweet sleep overcame him, Kevin saw a shadow flit near him, stained scarlet, right over its heart.

Ava awoke, strapped to something. Her shirt had been ripped from her, revealing her bare back. And her back was stinging.
She tried to turn, to see what was making her back burn. But what she saw made her scream. Kevin, lying un-conscious his back covered in red mutilated flesh. “Kevin! Kevin! Wake up!” she yelled, and he stirred at her voice, his eyelids fluttering.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” A voice whispered from the corner of the room Ava couldn’t see.
Ava shook her head, not believing. It couldn’t be. “Moonie?”
“you know, I really dislike being called Moonie. I much more prefer Magi or Master or even Magister. Which, by the way means Master in Latin.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Hasn’t it penetrated your thick skull yet?” The Magi stepped into her line of vision, and inspected his finger nails. “I created this whole thing to trap you. Trap you in a place where I could observe you.”
Ava could feel blood rushing to her head, and a chant singing her in her He is the evil one. He is the evil one. “Observe us?Why?”
“because you and your pathetic friends and pathetic goals, have running in your veins a drop of Calstic blood. Blood from an old Native American tribe, who called themselves Totul adduce which in English means Alt bringer. And alt means light in an old language many have forgotten about. They were the ones chosen by God to force Satan’s demons back to hell. I have a drop of Tamnih people. Dark ones. Those chosen by the Devil to oppress God. It is said, in an ancient prophecy, That three children from the Totul’s and three children from the Tamnih will come into an ultimate battle. I have reason to believe that you, Kevin and Greg are the children.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Ava said, forcing herself to stay calm. What are we going to do? How are we going to get out of this one? With Kevin wounded, Greg unfit to do anything but mope. And what about me?

I’m telling you this, because I have reason to believe on of you has a drop of Tamnih blood as well as Totul. And I have reason to believe that one is you.”

It felt like a slap in the face, first her guardian turned out to be a Satan child, then it turned out she had a drop from Satan in her veins as well.
“Why me?”

He looked her over thoughtfully and said, “You don’t believe. Kevin does, Greg does, but you don’t.”
That simple statement, brought tears to her eyes.
“I am going to study you. In an hour, you will be released from these bonds; we will see what happens with one of you damaged physically, one mentally. Once I have completed my study, I will kill the ones I do not need, and keep the one I do.”
And with that, he turned on his heel and walked out of Ava’s line of vision.


If you like it, like it!

I finally reached this point. My jaw dropped at the end; that was a seriously fast turn of events, which is okay but I think I missed one thing. What did the others believe that she didn't? That they had the blood of the Totul? I kind of lostthat, but if I wasn't supposed to get it and will find out late, then it's good. I want to see what happens next. Keep writing!

Sweet Jesus holy christ mother of god and all the siants in heaven and GEEZUS! WOW that was a good story! though i did notice this one bit:

“Remember it! What did Moo-“ he was cut off by the hands closing over her wind pipe.

I think that should be his easy istake to make when you're talking about more than one person with different genders in such a fast paced point in a story, so no worries!

Again, Loved the story! Great job!

Hey Lamster! *waves* I actually forgot the point where we stopped since it was a long back ago, so I just wanted to ask you to know where you ended it, so thanks for the PM. It was a good recall thing.

Greg’s exasperated voice penetrated Kevin and Ava, who stood, wrapped in each other, their arms wound so tightly, you couldn’t tell who’s arms where whose.

If you break down who's then you'll get who is which is, I doubt, what you wanted here. So it has to be whose.




OMG! You've given this a whole new turn and I am quite very much liking it. It's awesome. I didn't have the slightest idea that the story would breed into something of this sort, so hats off to you for keeping this a secret for this long. It's turning into something more adventurous, and let me tell you that you'd have to be clear with each of your actions. If you aren't able to reach out across to your readers, it would actually become hell lot of a problem for them to understand and follow your story. So, I just want to warn you in advance and I'd like you to concentrate special hard on the fighting scenes if you plan to have any.

Okay, the thing that I'd like to pin point is that I think you've never called Magi by the name of Moonie before and I was actually a bit confused when you first mentioned him in the flashback. But I think that's not a big deal since you cleared it out very soon, but if it's possible for you to turn to some other chapter and add in some other memory of Ava and him then it would be best.

I think that even though your concepts very good, you've not built this book like you could have. What I mean by this is that you haven't talked much about the institution of Ava Bringers and what they are supposed to do. Maybe you could add how Ava came to become one of them. I think it would be good if you do, and it would build the feel of the story. Right now we don't know much about how Alt's work so we're not totally into the story. But if you had started building this story in that sense right from the start, maybe the situation would have been different.

Your descriptions have actually flowered, and it was very nice to know the huge progression you've made from what you wrote in the beginning to now. You've got even lesser grammar mistakes, and it's turning quite fun to read the story. But I just felt that you were rushing in the beginning, so maybe if you could slow down things, it would be excellent.

My last nit=pick would be that in the end too it seemed to be rushed. You could have created a sense of trepidation inside her, more of suspense and more of Moonie in the story. The long dialog he had explaining what was the reason he told all this to Ava seemed like a big chunk, and it did have lots of grammar mistakes. So maybe break it into parts, show her emotions in the mid portions. You know something to make us feel exactly what the character was feeling. That's the art of story telling, so I'd like you to work on that for a bit.

Anyway, thanks for the read. PM or post on my wall for any questions. And do notify me when you post more.

~Shrubs

“Will you guys stop?” Greg’s exasperated voice penetrated Kevin and Ava, who stood, wrapped in each other, their arms wound so tightly, you couldn’t tell who’s arms where whose. Kevin ignored him, but Ava didn’t. She tried to pull away, but he wouldn’t let her go. His arms slipped down to her hips, gripping them tightly. “Kevin!” she gasped, pulling away for a second. He still ignored her, his lips reaching out to catch hers. “Stop! Stop it comma Kevin Price!” Kevin paused, his lips near her nose.
“What?” he said, his eyebrows raised.
“We don’t have time for this. We have to get out of here!”
His eyes flickered as though remembering. “Ah. That.” He let go of her, and turned as the knob of the locked door turned.
****************************
Three Men, clothed in white, stormed in. One grabbing Kevin, one grabbing Greg away from the window comma and the last, no comma grabbing Ava around her neck. She gasped, her lungs already vying for air. Her head spun with a memory of her training at Moonie’s castle.

She was standing there, in a room all alone. Moonie was watching through a peep hole in the wall, But if something happened, he wouldn’t help. He’s a cold man. A mean, cold man I feel like you can be a bit more descriptive than just ‘mean and cold‘. Use some bigger words, since these are common. . Ava thought, looking at the contraption she was supposed to walk into. It would close around her neck, applying gentle pressure, doing something some demons did in the last struggle. Trying to choke the Alt-bringer, who was trying to kill them Technically, I don‘t think this is a complete sentence. What was trying to choke the Alt-bringer? This sentence needs a subject. . Kevin,Titi comma and Greg had already been through it and passed. She was the last one to do it. But she was afraid. So afraid.
That day, she had almost died. The metal band would have killed her, if Kevin, watching with the Magi, unable to watch the spasms that had overcome her body Reread this sentence here. It feels like something‘s missing. The metal band would have killed her if Kevin, who was watching along with the Magi, wouldn‘t have seen the spasms that had then overcome her body. He ran towards the door, flung it roughly open, and hurried over to where she lay. He gripped her tightly with his strong arms and immediately ripped the flimsy cursed band from her neck. (At least that’s how I would rephrase it. But it’s up to you, of course. I just found that one line a bit off) . He had pushed the hidden door open and sprinted over to her, his strong arms, ripping the flimsy band from her neck. She had collapsed, and hadn’t come to, for hours. Her lungs still burning.


Tears squeezed out of her eyes, and the people in white coats started to walk. Then stopped. Kevin, two groups ahead, was struggling, pulling at the meaty hands around his neck, “Ava! Remember the lesson!” he yelled. “Remember it! What did Moo-“ he was cut off by the hands closing over her wind pipe.
What lesson? Ava thought, what the hell is he talking about?

Her mind was starting to fog over, she was shaking, and fear was over coming her. To me, the way you phrased this sentence, telling us her emotions like a list, took out some of the excitement. She was shaking, fear taking control of her body as her own rational mind left her. Just a suggestion. The one thing that she feared the most. Choking.

At some point, Ava passed out. Kevin had looked back, saw her slumped, and began, no comma to struggle again. The white uniformed guard had pressed a hand kerchief, soaked in chloroform to his nose and mouth. Before the sickly sweet sleep this is a real tongue twister, lol. Sickly sweet sleep. overcame him, Kevin saw a shadow flit near him, stained scarlet, no comma right over its heart.

Ava awoke, strapped to something. Her shirt had been ripped from her, revealing her bare back. And her back was on fire (to me, this sounds much more effective. If I think of stinging, I think of a bee sting or something. I’m pretty sure that her injury is much worse than that) stinging.
She tried to turn, to see what was making her back burn. But what she saw made her scream. Kevin, lying un-conscious his back covered in red mutilated flesh. “Kevin! Kevin! Wake up!” she yelled, and he stirred at her voice, his eyelids fluttering.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” A voice whispered from the corner of the room Ava couldn’t see.
Ava shook her head, not believing. It couldn’t be. “Moonie?”
“you know, I really dislike being called Moonie. I much more prefer Magi or Master or even Magister. Which, by the way means Master in Latin.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Hasn’t it penetrated your thick skull yet?” The Magi stepped into her line of vision, and inspected his finger nails. “I created this whole thing to trap you. Trap you in a place where I could observe you.”
Ava could feel blood rushing to her head, and a chant singing her in her did you mean ‘in her head’? He is the evil one. He is the evil one. “Observe us?Why?”
“because you and your pathetic friends and pathetic goals, no comma have running in your veins a drop of Calstic blood. Blood from an old Native American tribe, who called themselves Totul adduce which in English means Alt bringer. And alt means light in an old language many have forgotten about. They were the ones chosen by God to force Satan’s demons back to hell. I have a drop of Tamnih people. Dark ones. Those chosen by the Devil to oppress God. It is said, in an ancient prophecy, That three children from the Totul’s and three children from the Tamnih will come into an ultimate battle. I have reason to believe that you, Kevin comma and Greg are the children.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Ava said, forcing herself to stay calm. What are we going to do? How are we going to get out of this one? With Kevin wounded, Greg unfit to do anything but mope. And what about me?

I’m telling you this, no comma because I have reason to believe on one of you has a drop of Tamnih blood as well as Totul. And I have reason to believe that one is you.”

It felt like a slap in the face, period first her guardian turned out to be a Satan child, then it turned out she had a drop from Satan in her veins as well.
“Why me?”

He looked her over thoughtfully and said, “You don’t believe. Kevin does, Greg does, but you don’t.”
That simple statement, brought tears to her eyes.
“I am going to study you. In an hour, you will be released from these bonds; we will see what happens with one of you damaged physically, one mentally. Once I have completed my study, I will kill the ones I do not need, and keep the one I do.”
And with that, he turned on his heel and walked out of Ava’s line of vision.

Hey again!! The last time I reviewed this story, you were still Pointe2! XD
I was worried that after such a long break I wasn’t going to be able to remember much of what happened previously, but luckily I caught onto it again pretty quick! And I realized how much I missed this story The only thing I didn’t remember was this Moonie character, I honestly can’t place him. I don’t remember there being any villain, really. But that’s probably just my bad!

All in all, I enjoyed this! It was very exciting and held my attention all the way through. There were a few times that I thought you could add better description, but as a whole it is a big improvement. For instance, the part about her back ‘stinging’ didn’t really make much sense. I was under the impression that she was whipped or cut open or something, and imagined it would be causing her a great deal of pain, probably enough to even cry freely without being able to help it.

The huge paragraph of dialogue from Moonie felt odd, like you were trying to fill us in on all this background stuff. Realistically, someone would never talk like this. To me, if you just said ‘Oh, well I have you tied up because you have this interesting special blood‘ . That will do. But then he goes on to say it was from this old Native American tribe and the tribe’s name and its Latin translation… it’s just too much, do we really need to know all of that right now at the height of the excitement? I don’t think so. So personally, I think you can leave most of that paragraph out.

I had a lot of nitpicky comments about your grammar. There were a few typos, I think, and quite a few comma errors. Nothing big of course, but I really recommend you edit through this again, especially if there are more reviewers that will be coming by to read this. Pay attention to where I added and removed commas and see if it flowed better to you.

So I’m really excited to see what will happen! I’m worried about Kevin, so you better write more soon

Hope this helped!
blacksheep

I'm really loving the story! I mean, it's great and I really love it, but you're only on chapter nine yet so many things have happened and honestly I think it should've been a bit more slow-paced and detailed. I think you've improved a lot since the beginning but I still feel like Ava is telling the story only half the time. But there are a lot of different point of views, like omnicient for example, and I'm saying this only because you're telling the story from Ava's point of view, and if in the story she isn't supposed to see something, then it shouldn't be said. But if it was in the omnicient view, everything could still be kept basically the same. Or you could write it with the same point of view, making a point that Ava "couldn't of known that this or that was happening." It's just something I noticed here for example:

At some point, Ava passed out. Kevin had looked back, saw her slumped, and began, to struggle again. The white uniformed guard had pressed a hand kerchief, soaked in chloroform to his nose and mouth. Before the sickly sweet sleep overcame him, Kevin saw a shadow flit near him, stained scarlet, right over its heart.

Ava couldn't of possibly known any of the things that happened after she passed out. So what I'm basically getting at here is that you should somehow find a way to incorporate this in while keeping Ava's point of view.

I love the story! I'm excited to know what happens next!