It just isn't worth it

His selfishness is what made her cry,
his self pity is what caused the water marks to appear on my shirt
and a crying girl on my shoulder.

Why?
is what he asked himself
Why am I living?

That is why he tried,
and that is why she cried.
He didn't notice how much she cared,
how much she would miss him
if he succeed.
She loved like a little brother,
But he didn't notice.

I wish I could open his eyes,
to show him how much he would be missed.

How the people he thought wouldn't care;
would collapse into a deep depression.

Or how,
even I,
would shed some tears.

I wish I could show him
everyone who would be crippled
if he succeed in the horrifying task.

How he was important
to us in the whole.

Because,
truthfully,
I couldn't imagine a world without him
even though I don't know him well.

His life is precious,
and I wish he could see
That in the end
It just is not worth it.


This is dedicated to one of my friends and a certain young boy who thought he was nothing. I hope he can see now that we all would miss him.

Is this about suicide?
Hmm, it's ok I guess, but not too clear, and obviously not a world class poem. I don't mean to be mean, of course, but if you want it to sound better you should try to get rid of unnecessary words, and clear it up a bit. A certain "she" comes up once in a while, but who is she anyway? His girlfriend? I thought he was a loner? His mother?
Did he commit suicide in the end?

All I can answer is the first question and that is yes. I did not attend for this to be a "world class poem" I just intended to raise awareness about it do to the fact that this is based on true events. You will have to read more into it to see what really happened due to the past and present tense verbs.

First of all, love the avvie! xD Kiki's Delivery Service was one of my favorite movies.

I understand the message and emotion behind this, and I can definitely appreciate them. However, since you posted it on a writers' forum, I also have to look at this from a literary standpoint. If I'm reviewing this as a poem rather than an expression of thought, I have to say I think there's room for improvement. If you take out the line breaks and type this into one continuous paragraph...it reads fine. We'd never notice it was originally meant to be poetry. And that's the problem-- you've got tons of heart poured into this, but none of the mechanics that make it poetic. Rhythm, meter, imagery, description, literary devices, evocative language...pretty much not there. The only moment where you begin to touch on an interesting image is at the beginning with "water marks on my shirt", but pretty soon you've mentioned crying three or four times and it loses its appeal.

Take the pain and intensity from this and channel it into something truly interesting to read. It's not enough for a poem to mean well-- it has to read well, to make readers feel like they're going along for the ride right beside the narrator. If you're taking about him not noticing people's love for him, instead of just saying "He didn't notice how much she cared"-- paint a picture of a girl dancing endlessly in invisible circles around a boy with his eyes closed and his fingers stopping up his ears (just an example, of course). Show us how and why everyone would be so hurt if he killed himself. Why can't the narrator imagine a world without him, if they're barely friends? Give us imagery! Pretty phrases! Interesting analogies!

^_^ PM me if you need anything.

~Evi