Nameless

7 posts
User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 19207
Reviews 192
I spotted the man on my way through the park. He was hunched over up against the base of a tree, and appeared to be asleep. His face was buried in his arms, and as I studied more closely, a strange sense of recognition hit me. This wasn’t just another homeless guy who always asked you for a handout; he was different. As I thought about it I realized that I had seen him before, along the street or sleeping on benches, but this was the first time I had actually noticed him. The first time I had really seen him. Why hadn’t I noticed him before? I watched him for a moment and came to the conclusion that I hadn’t noticed him because he really wasn’t the type one notices. Distant, hidden. There’s a lot like him, like they’ve shunned the world.
I guess I was staring, because the next thing I knew he was looking up at me with haunting grey eyes. He was younger than most of the others, maybe in his twenties, but the solemn curve of his expression made him seem older. Much older. He held my gaze for a moment, then turned away with disgust. Without really knowing why, I cleared my throat and carefully approached him.
“Hey.” He continued to stare off into space. “Are you okay?” I hesitated. He didn’t seem to want me around. “Do you need something?” He looked at me again; it was the same, cold and silent. I felt like an idiot standing out there, but in the back of my mind something told me that I needed to be here--if nothing else then at least for my own sake.
“Let me ask you something.” His voice surprised me, even though it was not surprising in and of itself. Low and monotone, it fit him perfectly. “What do you plan to accomplish, exactly, by talking to me?” the man dropped his head and pulled his hat down so that his eyes vanished in the shadows. I could find no answer.
“Well, I just saw you sitting over here by yourself and thought I might ask you if you needed any help.” I knew my answer was weak. He grunted.
“For your information I don’t. I already know who you people are. You’re one of those church types, aren’t you?”
“I guess you could say that.”
“And you probably want to talk to me about my soul, and how God loves me, and about how this guy called Jesus saves people...Right?” I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to answer. “Here’s a little somethin’ for you, I’ve heard it a million times, and I sure don’t need it.” his voice had no emotion at all, but somehow he expressed his detest clearly. I wondered if there really was an opportunity here, or if God was just enjoying my embarrassment.
“Hey, I was just going to ask you if you were okay.” His body became tense.
“Well for the record I’m not. But it’s none of your business.” I shoved my hands in my pockets.
“Hey listen, do you want something to eat?” I asked. He hesitated.
“No.”
“Do you need some money? I’ve got a twenty right here.” I pulled out the bill and held it out to him.
“Keep it. I don’t want it.” I put the money away. This man sure had me puzzled.
“Do you want anything?” he turned his face way. “Do you want to talk?” His shoulders relaxed just slightly. I decided that was his way of saying yes, so I sat down on the grass across from him. Before I could ask him anything, he started off on his own.
“You’re probably wondering how I got here, what it was that put me on the streets. Well, it wasn’t drugs, and it wasn’t drinking, and it wasn’t because I don’t want to work.” He lapsed into silence and I wasn’t sure if I should try prod him with questions.
“I’m out here because of something I did. No one needs someone with a record. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve asked for a job.”
“Why don’t you ask someone for help?” I said. His brow furrowed.
“I’ve never had to rely on anyone to fix my life, and even though my life’s a mess, I’m the one who’s going to put it back together, I’m not wiling to accept someone else’s help.” His words seemed to have the exact opposite effect on me, as now I felt an even stronger pull towards helping him. I kept silent, however, knowing full well that he would only refuse any offer I had if I were to give one to him. Still, I was sure I knew what this man needed.
“Besides,” he went on, “the help people try to give you isn’t what I need anyway. Don’t need food or shelter…and that’s all those places out there give you.”
“Then what do you need?” I asked. He was quiet for a moment, and at that point I realized that he didn’t have an answer.
:I don’t know.” His voice and face were still emotionless, but I could sense what he was feeling. Desperation. He was searching desperately for something, and he could not find, struggling against his own will. He could not see the truth that had been offered to him so many times before. Maybe there was something I could do for him after all.
“Hey, I own my on place. If you need a job I’d be willing to give you one.” There it was, he could either take it or leave it. The man grabbed his backpack and stood up, eis reply coming much sooner then what I had anticipated.
“No thanks. I know I need it, need the money, but I don’t need another person like you trying to get involved in my life.
Sure, I want to be accepted again, but that won’t happen with you people. You’re all the same. Acting like you want to do good, but just trying to make a few good marks with God.” He turned and started to leave. “You don’t really care.”
“Wait, what do you mean?” I asked. The man paused, but he didn’t look back at me.
“It never even crossed your mind, did it, that you forgot to ask me my name.”
No more countin' dollars... we'll be countin' stars.

Enter, if you dare.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1189
Reviews 24
Hey there. :)
First off, I really liked this story.I really thought you touched on something deep with the twist at the end. It was awesome and gave me chills.

BUT, there were a couple points where you forgot a quotation mark here and there. and I believe this V
EloquentDragon wrote:“No thanks. I know I need it, need the money, but I don’t need another person like you trying to get involved in my life.
Sure, I want to be accepted again, but that won’t happen with you people. You’re all the same. Acting like you want to do good, but just trying to make a few good marks with God.” He turned and started to leave. “You don’t really care.”

should be one paragraph.

Overall, amazing story. I enjoyed it very much :)
WARNING:My avatar contains copious amounts of Duke Devlin. Women with heart conditions are not advised to look directly at Duke Devlin. This also goes for women without heart conditions.
He's very pretty. See? See how pretty he is? He's VERY pretty.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 1
I personally think this is a very good story. I like the contrast of their point of views and how they're trying to get it across. I like the twists of it and how the protagonist keeps getting denied.
There's not any errors I noticed (then again I'm awful at spelling and such...).
The description was awesome and all-in-all, I really liked it!
Sorry that there's not much more I can offer but, eh. :]
Everything has beauty.
But not all beauty is recognized.




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 28776
Reviews 446
Hello there Eloquent!

This looks interesting. I like how you kept the ending with a touch of a suspense. The interaction between the two characters are almost realistic. What just you lack is the connection you should have built, not only with the two people present here, but also with your readers. Your main character says that he's very familiar with the man, but you didn't try showing it. His features. You tend to use adjectives such as "emotionless", "cold" and etc. that it's hard for me to grasp the description you want to show your readers. And if the stranger looks young, you could have portrayed his skin, eyes or any physical features without using too much of adjectives. I tell you, nouns and verbs work together very well.

Secondly, your main character is quite a blur. You didn't manage to introduce himself though it doesn't mean that you have to dump all the informations here, no. Just give us some few details. I don't even know your character's gender. I have to admit that a first person POV is a very tricky one. Although you have portrayed the stranger well, but your MC which is supposed to be the central point of the story seemed to be all overshadowed because he tends to focus more and more of the stranger. And this results to a very confusing MC.

There's not much conflict here, aside from your MC speculation about the stranger. Prose wise, it was good but you just need to Show more and less on telling. ^^

Overall, this has potential and I'll be looking forward to next part of this. Let me know if you have any questions. :D

Keep writing,
Yuri
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4346
Reviews 71
He was hunched over up against the base of a tree

You might need to rephrase this sentence. You have "over" and "up" and "against". You can just say he was laying beneath the tree. That phrase confused me a little.

This wasn’t just another homeless guy who always asked you for a handout; he was different.

I liked that phrase a lot. It interested me and made me want to continue the story. I want to know about that homeless person.

As I thought about it I realized that I had seen him before, along the street or sleeping on benches, but this was the first time I had actually noticed him. The first time I had really seen him. Why hadn’t I noticed him before? I watched him for a moment and came to the conclusion that I hadn’t noticed him because he really wasn’t the type one notices. Distant, hidden.

Hm... I think you used the word "notice" a lot in that paragraph.

He looked at me again; it was the same, cold and silent

I think you should put "look" after "silent", because it didn't make a lot of sense at first. I asked myself "silent what?" Also, omit the comma after "same". It isn't necessary.

it was not surprising in and of itself.

"in itself" instead of "in and of itself"... I think so, at least.

Low and monotone, it fit him perfectly. “What do you plan to accomplish, exactly, by talking to me?” the man dropped his head and pulled his hat down so that his eyes vanished in the shadows. I could find no answer.

Very nice. I liked those lines a lot. I could imagine the scene well.

“Do you want anything?” he turned his face way. “Do you want to talk?” His shoulders relaxed just slightly. I decided that was his way of saying yes, so I sat down on the grass across from him. Before I could ask him anything, he started off on his own.

“You’re probably wondering how I got here, what it was that put me on the streets. Well, it wasn’t drugs, and it wasn’t drinking, and it wasn’t because I don’t want to work.” He lapsed into silence and I wasn’t sure if I should try prod him with questions.
“I’m out here because of something I did. No one needs someone with a record. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve asked for a job.”

Merge the two paragraphs together. He's still talking, so keep them all int he same paragraph.

“Hey, I own my on place.

Even though I don't encourage using the same word twice in the same phrase, I think you meant "I own my own place", not "on".

eis reply coming much sooner...

"his" instead of "ies"
***************************************

Actually, I liked this a lot. At the end, I realized that the MC didn't even ask the man about his name and I even felt bad then! I liked that feeling, because that means you got me attached to the story.
Your style, in general, is very good but you need to do some proofreading because there were some typos throughout the piece.
I liked the dialogue a lot and you seem to make it realistic in a very easy way. But I do have two remarks about this story.

First, is this an excerpt from a novel, or a short story? I'm asking this, because I didn't find much details about the MC. Why is she so interested in that homeless man in specific? Why did she think he's different? Why was she so determined to help him, as though she knew him? You might want to make those points clear, because those questions will probably be in your reader's head.
Also, there is something else that is probably very easy to fix. You see, you write a quotation but you rarely mention who said it. So, I had to go back and read the few previous quotations to know who was talking. Make sure you use "he said/she said/she whined/he asked" and so on to keep your reader concentrated.

Well, that was all. Good luck!
I'm back to my YWS after months of disappearance, hoping that I'd gain the immunity of books and quills against the harmful realism of our world.

In case this made no sense, I'm just saying that I'm happy I'm back!




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 19207
Reviews 192
Thanks for your reviews everyone.

I didn't add any details about the MC because I wanted the reader to visualize him/her for themselves. Whoever you see in your mind, that is the MC. Aside from his/her "voice," the creation of the MC is left entirely to the reader.

Sorry if some of the dialogue was confusing, it was written to be read outloud.

This is a work of "flash" fiction-sort of. It is its own stand alone, not really a short story, but not part of anything else either.

There is no more to this story, it is finished. (That's about as chilling as the ending, isn't it?)

P.S. Yuri-I didn't use a lot of adverbs b/c when you read it out loud, it sounds really cheesy. And I personally visualized the MC as a guy, and guys don't use very many adjectives. It's kind of-weird. xD
No more countin' dollars... we'll be countin' stars.

Enter, if you dare.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 740
Reviews 4
i thought it was 'okay'. .it's cool, really.. .but i was hoping at first that it would be somewhat more deep and interesting but it turned out to be kinda shallow. .it was missing something..hmm.. maybe some thoughts and connection between them.. i like the end but there's a part inside me that says it's a dull ending cause it's super hanging. .well, that's what i thought. keep writing! writers rock!! :D
I LOVE TO READ AND WRITE. end of story.



My existence is political. And love is my statement.
— Kevin Abstract