Hey, Lollipopper here to investigate. Okay, generally, I liked this piece! Well paced with good information and detail. But I think there are a few issues here. Gah, I don't know how to explain this. You're writing needs to sound more powerful. Right now it sort of sounds like a weak voice barely breaking through the surface. You need to make it loud and clear and make the reader familiar with your style of writing. When the writing itself has personality, a person can attach to the story quicker. Instead of sounding like you're reading a report or interview, jump outside your comfort zone when writing. Add distinctive mannerisms of the characters, oh, and definitely paint a brilliant picture of the scene.
And...I think that's about it. Sorry, short on time! Thanks for sharing! If you ever need a review, ask.
