Water Under The Bridge Chapter Six: Shawn

Cassie has not shut up the whole way home. Her teacher is great, she’s made friends, this new school is so much better. Glad she had so much fun. I didn’t. I sat on hard plastic all day long and now my butt hurts. I have homework already. I want a smoke. I want a nap. I want Cassie to stop twirling in circles.
“Mom texted me earlier,” I tell Cassie, as my head starts to pound. “She’ll be home at six and bring dinner.”
“Okay! Can I go play?” She asks.
“Yeah, sure.” I say. “I’m gonna start my homework.”
She gets on her toes to reach the IHome and Selena Gomez starts blasting. Kill me.
Even though I told Mom I quit smoking, even though I told myself I quit smoking, I grab my pack of Camels and my Zippo out of my sock drawer and head outside for my first cig in four days.
I should quit, yes, I know I should quit. But something about it is a stress relief. Just like this move…I wanted this move. I was desperate for a new start.
We’ve been here almost three months and I guess things are starting to look up. In our old life, three and a half hours northwest of here, I took care of Cassie. Now Mom is allowing us both more freedom and we’re all enjoying it. She’s upgraded her job from a waitress to a customer service manager at Walmart. She’s going back to school, and she’s trying to spend more time with us. That part is bittersweet or maybe a double edged sword—some cliché or metaphor or whatever it’s called. Bottom line: Cassie likes having Mom around, but I can’t decide. I love that she’s trying, but I can’t help but think she’s trying too hard. She’s trying to be more open since I came home, but it’s harder for me.
A sturdy gust of September wind comes through and carries a curlicue of smoke away with it. I sigh, take a final drag, and crush the butt under my heel. I know I’m hurting myself, and I’m probably hurting Cassie.
Quitting Take Three. I think, sliding the kitchen door shut behind me. I head back to my room, dig my final pack out of my drawer and drop it in the trash. One step forward…One step farther away.
“Shawn!” Cassie says loudly from the living room. “Guess what?”
I’m not gonna yell at her. I tell myself. It’s not her fault life sucks. I take a deep breath. “What Cass?”
I turn around. My heart melts, and I can’t help but smile. She’s surrounded by an elaborate scene of empty packing boxes, kitchen tools, and stuffed animals, something only a child’s imagination could create. The sunlight is streaming through a window behind her, illuminating her chestnut hair. Her smile sparkles with a pristine innocence I thought we had lost.
“What are you playing Cass?” I ask softly, whatever stress I was feeling evaporating from me.
“I’m a vet, and this is the horse.” She holds up a white pony with a blue saddle and a Coke stain on its ear. “And this horse has a tummy ache. And that bunny,” she points to her favorite animal, a pink rabbit named Princess, “hurt her leg. But I’m gonna fix her.” She goes on rapidly explaining her game and her story, her dark eyes alight.
“Do you wanna play with me?” My sister asks.
“Yeah, okay.” I sit down beside her on the grey carpet. “What’s my job?”
She hands me a fork and a towel. “We have to do surgery.” She explains. “So, cover her up. And now I’ll put her to sleep. Do you remember when I had to have stitches?”
She goes on and on, giving me things to do, sucked into her magical eight-year-old world of play. Eventually, the horse surgery is done, the bunny wears a dishrag cast, and I decide to attempt my homework.
Fresh word document blinking in front of me, I try to decide what to say. What do I want out of World Literature? It asks and I can’t say anything more. That’s just it. I want out of it.
I’ve written eight words in twenty minutes, and I’m beginning to wish my baby sister had a mute button.
Cassie is absorbed in a new book, and keeps telling me about it. Ramona did this, Ramona did that. Her sister’s name is Beezus, isn’t that weird? When is Mom coming home? Are you sure? I like this book. What’s this word? What are you doing? I’m so hungry.
My mom barges in the front door, smelling distinctly of flowery perfume and cigarette smoke. She waves to me, kisses Cassie's head, and starts dinner. I now have nine words. I read it; it sounds like crap. Backspace. I have four words. I get on the Facebook I never use, and have two friend requests from kids at this new school. One’s from Chris Rye, the kid behind me in Pre-Calc. I accept. The other is from the girl who took me to Lit. So, her name is Brooklynn. That’s kinda pretty. And her profile pic is cute. Accept. I still have four words. Damn it.

Cassie has not shut up the whole way home. Her teacher is great, she’s made friends, this new school is so much better. Glad she had so much fun. I didn’t. I sat on hard plastic all day long and now my butt hurts. I have homework already. I want a smoke. I want a nap. I want Cassie to stop twirling in circles.

-Have you noticed that wrote so many short sentences back to back? Make sure you merge some of them together, because your reader might be confused this way.

Even though I told Mom I quit smoking, even though I told myself I quit smoking, I grab my pack of Camels and my Zippo out of my sock drawer and head outside for my first cig in four days.

As long as you aren't writing a dialogue, try to make your words as literary as you could. Cig isn't a literary word, but an abbreviation we use in regular life. Make it "cigarette".

I should quit, yes, I know I should quit. But something about it is a stress relief. Just like this move…I wanted this move. I was desperate for a new start.

That slightly confused me. What move? The move of pressing the cigarette to the lips? Breathing out the smoke? Make it clearer if you wish, because I didn't understand what you meant when I read it.

We’ve been here almost three months and I guess things are starting to look up. In our old life, three and a half hours northwest of here, I took care of Cassie. Now Mom is allowing us both more freedom and we’re all enjoying it. She’s upgraded her job from a waitress to a customer service manager at Walmart. She’s going back to school, and she’s trying to spend more time with us. That part is bittersweet or maybe a double edged sword—some cliché or metaphor or whatever it’s called.

That's nice. I liked how you summarized the girl's life in a few lines, which is sometimes very necessary.

Bottom line: Cassie likes having Mom around, but I can’t decide.

-New paragraph here.

Quitting Take Three. I think, sliding the kitchen door shut behind me.

-I think this needs some rephrasing. Make the "Quitting take three" italic.
-Maybe you could make it something like this: Quitting Take Three, I think and slide the....

“I’m a vet, and this is the horse.” She holds up a white pony with a blue saddle and a Coke stain on its ear. “And this horse has a tummy ache. And that bunny,” she points to her favorite animal, a pink rabbit named Princess, “hurt her leg. But I’m gonna fix her.” She goes on rapidly explaining her game and her story, her dark eyes alight.

I liked that paragraph a lot. I like Cassie.

and I decide to attempt my homework.

Do you mean "...attempt to do my homework"?

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Alrighty, I liked this. You have a nice writing style, which I think is going to be a very good start for your writings later on. You manage to create good voices, especially for Cassie. I liked Cassie and you made her talkative like most little kids, energetic like all of them.

I do think you need to proofread, because there were a few structure mistakes throughout the chapter. Also, read a lot! An author becomes a better one, when he or she reads a lot.

One more thing: There is no need for cussing or cursing during your writing. "Damn it" could be replaced by many words that would prove your ability to show me her frustration, without needing to curse things.

Keep practicing! Happy writing.

Dude. I just realized why Shawn was thinking about his third-grade teacher way back in the first chapter. His little sister is in third grade! *feels slow* Though, to be fair, I don't recall it being spelled out like that. I kind of assumed that she was in high school too, in some other class, and I was really confused at the beginning of this chapter when she asked to go play. It just felt like a really childish thing for a high schooler to ask. Then I realized that she was a child. Perhaps make that a bit clearer? *headdesk*

D'awww, sibling interaction was so wonderful. And we got to get more of Shawn's voice, the one that I first fell in love with in this story. Aaaand we get to see how he connects with everyone else in the story. Yay!

For all of my joy here though, I couldn't help but feel like not much happens in this chapter. It was sort of like in Ryan's first chapter, were we get a lot of sweet interaction, but it doesn't really amount to much. There's no real happenings in the chapter and so while it is wonderful and fluffy, there isn't much substance to it. It's like cotton candy when what you really want is a chili-dog. Really nice, but it doesn't fill you up.

Everything more felt like an introduction to the characters than an actual chapter with action in it. And we already had one chapter of that from Shawn's point of view in the beginning. We need a little more substance now. I don't know where this story is going, obviously, so I can't tell you what should be in here action-wise, but give it a little more "oomph", a little more purpose. I loved the sibling interaction here and getting inside Shawn's head, but I was left unsatisfied at the end.

*likelikelike*

~GryphonFledgling