Stop and Stare (Part 12)

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What's happened in this novel so far:
Spoiler
Austin, Charlie Black's friend, is responsible for accidentally stabbing and killing a young girl. A few weeks passed, and the boys were in a youth club for the night where they met Jax, the other boy who witnessed the stabbing. There, Charlie and Austin met Zoey Cardle and her best friend, Beth.

The girl Austin killed was Zoey Cardle's sister, Aimee, but no one is aware of that. Some time later, Zoey and Austin bumped into each other in a supermarket and they decide to see if Charlie wanted to be homeschooled by Zoey's mum, Sophie. Charlie arrived and Zoey's house, and now Austin and Zoey are currently discussing the homeschooling with Zoey's mum. It was uncovered that Sophie knows Charlie back from when he was a child.






Stop and Stare ~ Part Twelve





Zoey

I watched, almost in awe, as my mum smiled and chatted with Charlie with a constant grin on her face. How on earth did she know his mother? I furrowed my eyebrows. Had I met Charlie before? I was pretty certain that I never had before now, but if my mum was such good friends with his mother, why was it that I had never met him? I mean, it seemed logical that I would have.
“So long as I get your dad’s signature, that’s fine,” my mum was saying to Charlie. “He doesn't need to come in necessarily, but if he has any questions about anything though, I’d be happy for him to come here so I can answer them.”
“Okay, cool. Thanks,” Charlie replied.
My mum glanced at her watch before turning back to the boys. “Is it alright if we cut it short here, lovelies? I need to start cooking dinner otherwise Luke will start trying to make something himself, and we really don’t want that.” She paused. “Although, if you want to stay for dinner, I’d be more than happy to cook some more portions.” She turned to Charlie and smiled. “Maybe have a catch up?”
“No, no, uh, no thanks,” Charlie spoke quickly. “I’ve gotta get back, sorry.”
There was a glimmer of disappointment in my mum’s blue eyes for a moment, but the overly happy brightness in them soon reappeared. My mum had always been a happy person, but the way she had been behaving after what happened to Aimee had been edging on extreme. It was as though she had no other emotions beside joy and happiness, but I wasn’t that foolish. I knew it was all just an act with her. Her eyes appeared bright, but sometimes, when she didn’t know anyone was looking, I would notice that her eyes were anything but alive. The blue in them didn’t look like fresh puddles, but soggy messes.
“Of course, lovely, that’s fine.” My mum smiled at Charlie again before turning to me. “You don’t mind showing the boys out, do you, Zo?”
I nodded freely, and moments later, Charlie, Austin and I were standing in the hallway again. Just as we stepped out of my mum’s office, Luke came out of the kitchen. He paused, glanced between Austin and Charlie, narrowed his eyes into two slits, then continued into the living room. Did he have to be that paranoid?
“How freaky is that?” Austin laughed as we made our way towards my front door. “Your mum knows Charlie... Now that’s whacked up.” He winked at Charlie, then at me. “It must be fate.”
Charlie elbowed Austin hard in his side, but Austin only laughed even louder. Forcing myself not to blush, I turned away and scanned the walls that surrounded me as though I’d never seen them before in my entire life. My mum had put a painting of some South American forest in the place of an old family portrait that both Aimee and I used to hate. She had bright pink braces in it, and my clothes matched so badly, it used to make me shudder just to pass the photo. When I turned back to Charlie, he glanced at Austin, then mouthed an apology to me. I giggled a little.
As Austin reached the front door, he paused to look into the mirror that was stuck to the wall at the bottom of the stairs. He ran his hand through his hair before turning to the mantelpiece underneath the mirror. Charlie started saying something about popping into the Chinese takeaway on the way home when Austin yanked an apple from the fruit bowl that rested on the mantelpiece: the fruit bowl I'd so neatly set up this morning. Within seconds, a pile of oranges, apples, pears and plums tumbled onto the laminate floor below him.
"Oh, crap, sorry," Austin said before biting into the apple he'd picked up, and with that apple wedged between his teeth, he bent down.
"No! Don't!" I spoke quickly. "I'll fix it."
Austin shrugged before standing up and I was soon crouching on the floor. Not only was the colourful fruit out of their order now, but also dirty. I began by moving the four plums to the left, then I separated the apples from the oranges by moving them beside my newly made pile of plums.
"Do you need a hand, Zo?" I heard Charlie's voice above me as I was placing the pears into a neat pile.
"No, it's fine, thanks," I muttered in reply.
I was just about able to hear Austin muttering something to Charlie as I stood back up, but I didn't quite catch what he said exactly. Judging by the way Charlie elbowed Austin, then glared at him, I had a feeling that what Austin said wasn't quite a compliment.
"... You're just gonna leave them on the floor?" Austin asked me as I turned back to the boys. "Ain't you gonna put them back in?"
"No, they're dirty now." He didn't actually expect anyone to want to eat those now, did he? "I'll put them in the bin in a minute, once you two are gone."
"Really? This floor's the cleanest thing I've ever seen. Are you paranoid or something?" He glanced down at the organised fruit. "Hang on, but if you're putting them in the bin, what's the point in putting them in that weird order? That's just stup--"
"Austin, shut up." Charlie nudged him again. "C'mon, we've gotta go."
“Okay, okay! Sorry." Austin opened the front door. "So I guess we’ll see you around, Zoey. Charlie boy definitely will anyway considering this is his new chill out place with your mum.”
“I don’t even know if I’m gonna do this yet, mate,” Charlie muttered, but his friend just rolled his eyes beside him.
Both boys stepped outside and they were soon saying their goodbyes. A slight draft came into the house while the door remained open, but the breeze was refreshing. After Austin and Charlie closed the door behind them, I released a long sigh. I peered at the fruit on the floor. This was the second time I'd seen Austin, and he already thought I was a complete weirdo. I doubted Charlie thought any different. In their piles, I dropped the fruit into the small bin just outside my kitchen door.
I hoped my mum hadn’t put Charlie off homeschooling; he seemed awfully uncomfortable when he was speaking to her, especially after she asked him to stay for a while. He'd taken the forms she gave him though, so I suppose that was a good sign. Sighing once more, I wandered into the living room. I was welcomed by the scent of lavender and camomile along with another cool breeze drifting in from the open window on the wall that stood opposite me. Luke was sitting on the sofa underneath that window, and when he saw me walk in and sit down beside him, he began shaking his head.
“Zoey, I don’t like the look of those boys. To begin with, the dark-haired one had the remains of a black eye. How on earth did he get that? None of it seems safe, if you ask--”
“Son, stop overreacting.” My mum waltzed in with raised eyebrows. “Austin seems like a decent kid, and I certainly know Charlie’s been brought up by good people, so I highly doubt he’s any trouble.”
Luke sighed and crossed his arms just like he always used to do when he pouted as a child, despite being almost twenty years old now. I wasn’t even sure why he was still here and not at his flat. He’d dropped off all of the food he bought from the supermarket there, but instead of just driving Austin and me here, Luke decided to come inside with us and sit himself down to watch some television. He began muttering under his breath before switching his eyes back onto the television that was hung on the wall opposite us. Shades of light flashed onto his face as a pallet of colours flicked on and off the TV.
"Zoey, why is all of the fruit in the bin? There's only a banana and a few pears left in the bowl on the mantelpiece," my mum asked as she leaned against the doorway. "I'm guessing it has something to do with you..."
"They all fell onto the floor. Aus--" I didn't really want to get Austin on my mum's bad side or anything. "I knocked them by mistake." I forced a smile and my mum didn't argue back. She knew me well enough not to. “Mum, how come I’ve never met Charlie before now? I mean, didn’t you ever take me with you when you visited his mum or anything?” I asked as my mum sat down beside me.
“Don’t know.” She shrugged. “It just never happened, I suppose.” Her voice was distant and there was something about the way her eyes flicked to the window for a moment that suggested she wasn’t being entirely honest with me. They soon returned to my face. “It’s weird seeing him again though. He’s a very pretty lad, isn’t he? His mother’s gorgeous though and they look bizarrely alike.”
I leaned back into the sofa and felt the comfort of a leather cushion shaping itself to my back while I watched my mum. She began fingering her golden earrings as she licked her lips. The thoughtful look on my mum’s face hinted to me that she wanted to start one of her I remember when... stories, and for once, I was actually interested.
“I remember when I first met Maddie actually--she was training to be a teacher in one of the colleges I was visiting--and she seemed so lovely right from there. Jamie, Charlie’s father, was a good ten years or so older than her, but they were always a really nice couple, you know? Almost a bit too attached at times, admittedly, but I suppose they took every chance they could to spend time together considering Jamie was away with the military a lot. I wonder if he’s still working for them.” She paused and her eyes drooped a little. “After a while though, Maddie stopped chatting to me.”
“Why?” It was Luke who asked: he’d obviously been eavesdropping on our conversation.
“I really don’t know. It started off with her just cancelling our weekly catch-ups now and then, but it ended up snowballing, and by the end, she never wanted to meet up if I asked her to. I don’t blame her though because I am quite a bit older than her--she was only about twenty when she had Charlie and his brother--and she probably just got bored of me. Chances are she just made some good friends her own age, that’s all.” My mum smiled again. “It would be wonderful to catch up with Maddie again though.”
She appeared thoughtful once more as she started twirling one of her silver necklaces in-between her thumb and index finger. My mum seemed to be satisfied that her story had been told, so she was soon standing back up.
“Okay, so I’ll put the food on now. It should be ready in about half an hour.” She inhaled deeply and for a moment, my mum was in a world of her own. "It's a lovely day, isn't it? Wonderful sunshine."
I heard Luke mutter something beside me. He glanced up at my mum in her oh, the sunshine is lovely mood, then muttered something again along with a shaking head.
I was about to speak when my mum stopped me. “I know, Zo, no odd number of potatoes for lunch.”
I frowned. Although it was true, that wasn’t what I was about to say. I was going to be a wonderfully carting daughter and ask her how her day had gone, in fact. Luke laughed at what our mum said as she left the room. I nudged him which followed with a frown.
“You’re incredibly horrible to me considering you’re so protective over me.”
“I just don’t get the odd numbers thing, that’s all.”
We were both silent for a moment, but it didn't last long. The sound of my mum's calm humming could be heard flowing into the room. It clashed a rather a lot with the film Luke was watching.
“I wish she'd bloody quit it," Luke muttered, stealing my attention. "It's getting annoying now."
"Pardon?"
"Mum. You'd swear she was high on something all of the time or something." I noticed that his knuckles were clenched. "It's bloody disrespectful, it is." His voice lowered and I was only just able to hear what he said next. "Acting as if nothing's happened."
I didn't respond. Instead, I turned my eyes to the television. That was one side of Luke I didn't like since what happened to Aimee. It was as if he felt the need to critique my mum's newly found happiness. It was just her way of coping, and he shouldn't have been stupid enough not to realise that.
I tried to watch the television.There was nothing very interesting on, and besides, I was struggling to concentrate anyway. I thought back to my conversation with my mum just a few minutes ago. It seemed strange to me that Charlie’s mum would have just dropped all contact with my mum. I couldn’t even begin to imagine simply forgetting about Beth and not getting in touch with her for years. Perhaps my mum’s relationship with Maddie wasn’t as strong as mine and Beth’s, but nonetheless, it did still strike me as odd. I mean, there must have been a reason. I shook my head lightly. My eyes were tired of the television, so they lowered to the beige rug in the middle of the room. I was probably just over thinking things: I had a tendency to do that. Maddie losing contact with my mum was most likely just one of those things.
I turned away from the huge rug in the middle of the floor and took my phone out of my jeans’ pocket. Speaking of Beth, I probably should have texted her about today’s events. I most certainly wanted to know about her take on the whole Charlie and Austin being in my house today situation, not to mention what she thought of Charlie possibly being homeschooled by my mum.
"Where's dad?" I asked to Luke.
"Upstairs, I think." He paused. "Hey, will you go and ask him if he knows where my laptop is? He borrowed it earlier. He’s in his office doing something for work. He’s been in there all day with it.”
“Can’t you ask him yourself?” I asked, looking up at my brother.
“Nah.” He nodded at the television. “The part where the main guy drives into the river to kill the demon is coming up soon.”
What on earth is he watching? For the first time since I’d been in the room, I turned to the TV and actually concentrated on it. On the screen was a girl who, I must admit, did look worse for wear. Her endless dark hair was drooping over her face like the scraggly branches of a dying tree and she was walking with struggled hesitation towards a man holding a shotgun. Right...
“Besides, you owe me. I’ve been driving you around all day,” Luke muttered due to the majority of his attention being stolen by the screen in front of him.
“Fine, whatever. You seriously need to get some decent taste in films, by the way, Luke.” I stood up and pressed send on my text to Beth. “Every demonic girl in these things look the same, I swear.”
My brother didn’t answer me. Instead, he continued staring rather blankly at the thin television opposite, and as I was leaving the room, I heard an ear shattering scream coming from the TV, followed by a loud laugh booming from Luke’s mouth. As I passed the kitchen, the waft of fresh vegetables and southern fried chicken overwhelmed me. I was almost in a daze as I more or less floated up the stairs.
The landing upstairs was dead silent. Although, as I listened carefully, the quiet hum of the television downstairs could be heard. An occasional laugh from Luke wasn’t hard to miss if I listened carefully either. This landing was narrow, and like the hallway downstairs, it was rather plainly decorated. There was a blue laundry basket at the end of the room, but other than that, the carpeted floor was empty. I tip-toed towards the middle of the room, and when I reached my dad’s study, I stopped. It wasn’t long until I was knocking on the closed door. I wonder what he’s been doing all day.
“Yes?” I heard my dad’s voice from inside.
Taking it as a signal that I could enter, I lowered the metal door handle that felt freezing on my hand, then pushed the white door open. Hunched over his desk and what seemed to be Luke’s laptop was the neatly dressed man I knew as my dad. The two bookshelves on opposite sides of the room were, quite literally, spilling with books: my dad had obviously been reading some, but hadn’t bothered to stack them tidily back to where they belonged. Both bookshelves looked entirely dishevelled. It made me uncomfortable just to look at. He was sitting at the very end of the room, underneath the window with the blinds drawn. His back was to me, but when he heard the door open, he turned around. On my dad’s rather unshaven face, there grew a large smile.
“Zoey! Hey! Look!” He ushered me over towards him with his hand in an ecstatic fashion. “Look!”
I hesitated for a moment, but eventually decided to humour him, so I was soon wandering over to him. As I passed the bookshelves, I couldn't help but pause and push some books back into their places.
"Zoey! Come on!" my dad almost moaned.
"Yes, okay." I wedged one more book back into place. I'd have to sort out the rest later.
My dad's grin grew even bigger as I neared him.“Look at this!”
With me now standing beside his wooden desk, he collected a load of papers that he had scattered over the surface he’d been working on. He held up the pile and I scanned the one page I could see. It didn’t appear to be anything of interest. The only thing that made sense to me amongst the wall of bold, black text was a name, David Allister, and that name wasn’t even recognisable.
“What is it?” I asked, tilting my head.
“It’s the details of a private detective, silly,” he replied. Oh, no. “You know that last man I was looking at? Well, he’s nothing compared to this one. He’ll find out what happened to Aimee in no time! He charges quite a lot, but my little girl deserves justice, so I don’t care how much it costs. I’ve contacted him about Aimee and about what we’ve got already, and he said it sounded like something he’d be willing to try.”
My dad continued speaking in a speed that was practically impossible to keep up with, but all I did was zone it out. Why couldn’t he understand? The police had no leads whatsoever on what happened that night, no witnesses had come forward, no DNA had been matched with anyone, and as the men in blue said themselves, it happens all the time in that place. It could honestly be anyone. A stab of bitterness burnt my mind. I doubted the police even cared. It was just another stabbing in Amber Fountains to them. I tried to stare at the engravings of my dad’s work desk that were usually distractingly enchanting, but all they looked like now were rough sketches of spiky swirls. They weren’t distracting me at all.
“Can we talk about this later, Dad, please?” I interrupted my dad mid-sentence.
“Don’t you think so though, Zo? Doesn’t this guy sound good? He’s only ever failed two of his cases! Look, let me show you his statistics...” His voice trailed off as he began shuffling through more papers.
“Dad, pl--”
“Just hang on,” he said, continuing searching for whatever he was looking for. “Stay for a minute.”
The sharp tone in his voice made me feel like I had to stay. As I watched my dad shuffle through papers, I bit into my tongue. I was allowed to think happy thoughts about Aimee, but thinking of her on July the twenty fourth, that night, was out of bounds. There was a reason I tried not to think about what happened to Aimee that night, and that reason was the sick feeling I had right now, the one that made my pulse quicken and my stomch turn. I didn’t want it. I hated it. Just imagining Aimee in some park, on her own... I bit into my tongue again. No, I wasn’t allowed to think about it. I closed my eyes. Inhale. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Exhale. My eyelids were lifted once more to see my dad still rambling while pointing at the papers.
“Dad... no. Please?” was all I could manage.
He stopped. “Come on, Zoey! We can’t just... just forget about it.” He rubbed his stubble. “Someone called an ambulance that night, Zo. Someone knows what happened. I have to find that person. Can’t you understand that?”
Why hadn’t I just stayed downstairs? A mere five minutes ago, I was happy, but now every inch of my emotions felt as though they were attacking me. Had my dad been working on this all day? Is that all he’d been doing? I almost began eating up my lip in anxiety. This was too much, too sudden. Thoughts of July the twenty fifth tried entering my head again, but I refused to let them to knock down the barrier I’d built up to control my thoughts.
My dad sighed and rubbed his forehead. “Why didn’t you ask her what her boyfriend’s name was?” he almost snapped at me.
The barrier wobbled.
“Sorry, darling, it’s just... I mean, are you sure she didn’t say where he lived or anything?”
The barrier crumbled this time. I tried my hardest to fight against it.
“Zoey, please, just try to remember... something...”
The pleading tone in my dad’s voice completely destroyed any kind of barrier in my mind. If I’d have just stopped Aimee from leaving, told my parents about her instead of following her, or told Luke about her straight away, then everything could have been avoided. Every damn thing. My eyes stung. I clenched my fists.
“I’m sorry... I just... she didn’t say anything, I swear,” I squeaked.
I gazed down at my dad through the messy puddles in my eyes. His face looked paler than ever as he ran his hand through his unwashed hair. He was muttering as he began skimming through some more papers before typing something into Luke’s laptop. Despite my blurred vision, I was able to spot the word stabbing being typed into the internet search. Why was he so obsessed with it all? How could he spend his time sitting here and researching things that were strongly connected to that night? How weren’t his emotions being ripped apart?
Every kind of resistance I’d ever built up collapsed and I soon felt droplets sliding down my cheeks. The salt in them almost stung the tip of my bitter tongue as they escaped through the gap in-between my lips.
“I’m sorry...”
My dad looked back up at me and his entire face dropped. He stammered, shaking his head. Without waiting for another second to pass, he stood up, and before long, I felt his strong arms around me.
“No, I’m sorry, darling...” His voice was shaky. “I’m so sorry. I just... Don’t worry about it.” I pulled away from him to see his eyes staring into mine. “Don’t you dare feel guilty about any of this. Don’t you dare.” He kissed my hair. “I’m so sorry...”

____________________


Click here to read STOP AND STARE (PART THIRTEEN)
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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Hey there Skins!

I wasn't going to review anything today, 'cause I'm feeling lazy :P But then I saw this and got really exited because I wanted to know what happened next, and I can't read and not review, can I? ;)

So. I liked the background information we got in this. The fact that we now know more about Charlie's mum and dad, and their relationship. I'm also wondering if Charlie and William are twins, because Zoey's mum says Maddi was twenty when she had them, but then that could just be me reading into things too much.

I would have liked Charlie to have been in this part a little more but then that's probably just me; I want them to get together so much, it hurts LOL

I do have somethings to point out *cough* Annoying typos *cough*

into two slants


I don't know if 'slants' sounds right. Maybe 'slits' would be better.

He took the forms she gave him though, so I suppose that was a good sign


I think 'He'd taken' would sound better.

on and off on the TV.


The second 'on' should be 'of'

Charlie before now.


You need a question mark at the end of the sentence.

I gazed up down at my dad


Up or down? :P

***

I think there might have been another typo but I couldn't find it when I read back through.

Anyway, once again I enjoyed reading this! You've raised even more questions; why did Charlie's mum stop talking to Zoey's mum? What was Zoey's mum lying about? Why does Zoey's mum not know that Charlie's mum is dead? etc

I can't wait to find out all the answers so post soon. I'm sure the next parts are great :D

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




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Hey Skins, Shrubs here to review. Sorry it took me almost two long days to come here. I should have been here earlier.

Every kind of resistance I’d ever built up collapsed and I soon felt droplets sliding down my cheeks. The salt in them almost stung the tip of my bitter tongue as they escaped through the gap in-between my lips.
This was one lovely part. <3

I really don't think I'd have anything to say to you considering that you're going too solid with this story. It's like you've got everything planned on your finger tips and it seems like you're posting the story as favour to us instead of wanting something for a critique. You're getting that perfect with every passing chapter.

But I have a small thing to mention to you about your writing in general. I don't know if it's actually a point to work on, but I think you overdo a bit when you explain every scene. It's like you're going too much into showing us the exactly same picture the MCs see and even though it's good, I'd like you to maybe stop it. Don't stop it altogether, I mean, but just take care that you don't bore your readers by delving too much into your characters' surroundings and emotions. Sometimes, you'd have to rush a bit, or maybe skip over trivial things.

What I would like to add to the compliments is the emotions you had in the end. I loved every one of them to bits and it was actually quite innovative to read how you transformed her emotions into beautiful things. Also, I read somewhere that you're not satisfied with your descriptions and I think it's nonsense. I think your descriptions are quite good, and if not perfect, but whose is perfect? I am not perfect all with descriptions, but that's something I concentrate more on, and when I read a book my eyes are mostly glued to them, so if you need any help just tell me, though I doubt I'd be of any help.

Also, I am sorry but I don't have much to say. This chapter was perfect, and I can't wait to read if investigations would again begin and right now I am excited to know how the plot would develop. :)


Thanks for the read,
~Shrubs
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




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Good evening, sir.

I just had my last exam, and you know what that means? It means I'm done with the semester! Which means I have time to review again after weeks of not reviewing at all! Which means I'm a little rusty, but I'll do my best! Which means I'm abusing exclamation points right now and not making any sense at all!!!!

*ehem*

So. This chapter is a little rough around the edges, to be honest, but all the important stuff is there. The plot is advancing nicely--I'm really intrigued by what we're discovering about the mother-friendship, and I'm interested to see how long Charlie waits to tell her that his mother's dead. I'm also extremely curious (by your design, I'm sure) to know why Charlie and Zoey never met as kids. There was definitely something dark going on with Charlie's mother, and I can't wait to figure out what it is--though I suspect his father had a big role in whatever it was. Hm. Interesting stuff.

You're good at these complicated who's-really-who-and-what-secret-connections-do-they-have things, aren't you? Only this one's darker than Arroggance, because it involves so much death--Zoey is the sister of the girl Charlie witnessed being stabbed, and it turns out his mother was friends with hers, but she's dead now... and he feels guilty for it, to some extent anyway. There's interesting stuff brewing, that's for sure! I'm excited to see where it goes. And I'm surprised that Charlie has a twin! I thought Will was a lot older than him. I guess I was wrong, once again.

I also have to agree with Shrubs that you did a wonderful job with the emotions in the end. That whole scene with the dad was just written so brilliantly that I got shivers. It felt real. Disturbingly real. I was getting a little worried because up until that point Zoey had been feeling a little flat (something I'll talk about in a bit) but you pulled off the tears with such subtlety and deftness that it really ended up strikingly beautiful and effective. The father character (who we haven't seen much of yet) is also great. I like how you're showing different characters' ways of coping with loss. It really makes them come alive. Good job, sir.

Now to the negatives. Firstly, since I already mentioned this, I'll talk about Zoey's character. This is actually my biggest critique about this chapter: Zoey's starting to lose her spunk. In the beginning, when you first introduced her, she was weird and kind of annoying, but she was very unique. Her whole deal with counting things and obsessing over misplaced books and stressing out over the tiniest things... that was annoying, sure, but it made her come alive. I feel like she's starting to lose it. I know you want to make her lose some of her OCDness as the novel progresses, but you have to do it strategically, like making her lose it when she's in dangerous situations or something like that (maybe when she's around Charlie it goes away a little? That would be cute :3). When she's in "life as normal" mode (i.e. at home with her family) I'd suggest you make her a bit more OCD. Make her count things, make her right things that have toppled... stuff like that. I miss the old Zoey! You don't have to go over the top--a few details here and there is all it would take, really.

Also:
“Son, I’m pretty sure they’re not going to kill her.”
Ouch. I mean, ouch. Would she really say something like that?! I know they've all got different ways of dealing with this, and I know Zoey's mom's way is to be extra bubbly and pretend like nothing's wrong... but would she really just say that? It seems like a pretty cold word-choice to me.

Along those same lines, I think you could really play up how awkward things are in their family now. They all have their different ways of coping with it all, so I imagine whenever they're together they start to clash a lot. Just something to think about, I guess, but I can't stress enough how much losing a sibling/child can change people. I don't know if you've ever had anything like this happen, but I had a cousin who died when she was a kid, and her brother has never gotten over it. Not that you have to make it a huge point of the novel to illustrate their grief, but don't underestimate it either. I sort of feel like if you're going to write about things like this, you have to put enough emphasis on the repercussions. It's almost like you owe it to the people who actually go through that stuff. Meh, maybe I'm just over-philosophizing as usual.

Anyhow, it's looking good overall! You're doing a fantastic job of telling one story from two vantage points without making it confusing or repetitive, which is very impressive. I look forward to the next installment (and hopefully I'll be a little more expeditious...).


Yours truly,
-Turtleface




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*sigh* And that's what happens when I review after Azila: she mentions all the good stuff.

I was going to quote the exact same sentence that she did. It made me flinch, much like when you'd written that 'since that thing with Aimee had happened, kids at school were staring.' Or something to that effect.

I'm not saying you can't keep it, but have Sophie react to it. You mentioned that her eyes are overly bright and she's hiding her pain. Maybe this could be a crack in her shield. Then Zo runs away to find her father who's gone off his rocker as well, in a different way.

Also, I'd like to mention what Zila did. Zo is losing her ... muchness (Just watched Alice in wonderland haha). I mean, the only reference to her OCD were the number of potatoes. I actually thought, "Well, at least there's one reference."

Have you ever heard of Steven Seagal? Back in the day, he was a great actor, his scenes were full of martial arts and fighting and it was always amazing to watch. Now, he's gotten old and fat and he's still 'acting'. But, you spend your whole time waiting for a fight scene, only to face a high kick or upper cut. Um, whut?

I'm not sure if you get what I mean, but Steven started his career with such a bang and we loved him for it. Now we skim through the movie waiting for him to impress us.

Well, Zo isn't impressing me anymore. I want more of her. Like Zila said, her OCD won't suddenly disappear.

Anywho, that was it. It was a great chapter. The scene with the father was quite well done, and I can't wait to see where this is going between the mom's and stuff.

Keep using that keyboard!

Tanya and Skinsy Junior.



Spend your days thinking about things that are good and true and beautiful and noble, and you will become good and true and beautiful and noble.
— Matthew Kelly