I've had a slight problem when trying to add this chapter to a novel. Until this is resolved I've decided to post my chapters somewhere else. Please look for my novel by the name of Crimson.
~ Vari
Last edited by Vari on Mon May 09, 2011 10:20 am, edited 7 times in total.
Hello! I'm Life and I'll be helping you out with your story today.
You certainly have a lot of potential. This was really well written, and I found your style of writing really entertaining; the comedy was twined into the rest of the story really nicely. But I'm sure you knew all that already. Just like me to point out the obvious. Anyhow, there were many little things you missed, most probably due to hasty writing. I know how hard those are to spot out by yourself, so just open the spoiler below (it's not actually a spoiler, but it's quite long, so it's for the sake of conserving space) and yeah, hope it helps.
Spoiler
I don't usually review like this, but seeing as there were pretty many small tweakings to be made, I figured it would be better to just copy your text and put my changes directly into there. Nit-picks and such are in red and my comments are in blue. Let's dive in.
In 18th century Italy a young, fourteen year old girl by the name of Lucia had fallen madly in love with the dashing and ambitious Giacomo. He left her promising to return the following year and make her his wife. But in that year Lucia's face was horrendously scarred due to illness, leaving her at the most important juncture of her life. She could choose to marry the man she loved, knowing Giacomo to be an honorable man that would marry her despite her appearance. But Venetian society would shun and ridicule Giacomo for his disfigured wife. He would have to give up his ambitions and with no further purpose in life would surely grow more miserable with each passing year. Lucia's other choice was to leave him, to leave everyone and everything she had ever known in her short life. Giacomo would feel betrayed and hurt, but he would eventually forget her and move on with his life. He would further his many aspirations and one day marry a beautiful wife. Lucia had chosen the latter but when she met Giacomo many years later she found him to have turned bitter because of her disappearance.
As I now stood at a similar crossroad I thought back at this tale I had once read and asked myself these two questions. Did I love my Giacomo enough to let him go and would he thank me it?I really like this start.
Chapter One
I tried to be optimistic as I stared at my new school, but failed miserably. I had seen the movie 'Mean Girls'. Hell, I had seen any number of American movies and television shows. They all had one thing in common, the rich and beautiful ruled the school. Would they accept me into their upper circles? Would they make the rest of my high school the most miserable I'd had so far? Would I constantly have to watch my words in fear of crossing someone in the wrong way? Or would something I said to one person be on the lips of every student by the following day? Coming from a place where everyone was rather open about everything, this place scared the living chickens out of me. I had never really cared about being neither particularly wealthy nor especially beautiful, but suddenly I wished my father was a multi-millionaire and my mother was Oprah. At least I would be close to untouchable then. On the other side I think this should be "on the other hand", if you mean sort of the same as "however" I probably wouldn't be me.
"Are you going to get out any time soon?" my mother asked. "I'm mentally preparing myself for a ritual suicide, mother. Give me a minute." I replied after a long sigh. "Whatever you do, don't bleed on the carpet. They're hell to clean and I'm not really in the mood for the bill either." I snorted. Tightening my hand on the strap of my backpack I reached for the door. Change the order of this one, so that it starts with "I reached for..."; it's sorta clumsy like this. "Remember.. "I know, I know, paste a smile on my face and look people in the eyes. You've told me a million times." "I was going to say to restrain yourself from punching anyone on your first day but what you said is good advice too, I guess." I'd start a new line here, cause it gets kind of confusing when the mother is clearly speaking, but straiht afterwards you have "I snorted". See what I mean?I snorted again. Suddenly the building in front of me didn't look so intimidating. "Thanks, mom," I said with a slight sarcastic smile. Taking a last deep breath I opened the door and got out of the car. "Have a nice day, honey!" she called, "I lo..." I slammed the door before she could finish her sentence. Of all the things for my mother to call out to me with other teenager within hearing distance. I turned back to the car and grinned at her. I had to restrain myself from shooting her the bird. She'd box my ears for it later.
I eventually found my way to the administration office and gave the woman behind the desk the forms I'd had to fill in beforehand. She pointed at some chairs in the corner of the room and told me to wait while she printed out my schedule. With nothing better to do I examined the room I was in. If you asked me ten minutes later I wouldn't have been able to tell you what it looked like. The color on the wall was what was called 'warm gray' because it was mixed with a twinge of green instead of blue. An awkward color to say the least. There were a few black-and-white pictures pasted against the wall, presumably of (former) students.
A door suddenly opened and a boy walked out. I called him 'boy' only because I lacked a better term. Young man sounded wrong. Adolescent sounded juvenile. Male sounded as if I was talking about chimpanzees instead of human beings. He was tall, at least a head taller then my meager 5"5. Don't ask me to guess, guessing heights was not my forte. I only knew my own length because it had been needed for my passport. He had shaggy dark blond hair, a typical surfer hairstyle, that fell to just above above his eyes. If he didn't have eyebrows I would be none the wiser. His eyes were a light blue, then again from the distance between us they could have been gray too. The part after "then again" is a little confusing, maybe re-word it? Our eyes locked. I tried to keep eye contact with him as long as possible but I eventually, what seemed like hours later, diverted my gaze to that beautiful grayish wall again. He stood there for a few seconds longer, then closed the door and crossed the room. I stared pointedly at the wall. I heard the door close behind him and my longs Umm... What do you mean by "longs", I'm lost here came back from their holiday to the Bahamas.
I was such a coward! I couldn't even look him in the eye. I started mentally replaying the whole event, that had lasted a staggering total of 10 seconds, in my head. I called myself every name I could think of and resolved to do better next time. He certainly had been handsome. I sighed and wondered whether the administration lady would be coming back from Narnia any time soon. She certainly was taking her sweet time printing out my schedule. Maybe she was having her daily morning rendezvous with the janitor in the supply closet. I lol'd here.
She walked back into the room at that moment and I blushed at my own thoughts. "Here you go, Miss Walker." She held out a sheet of paper. I quickly crossed the room and took it from her. "Your locker number is on there too. Your first class is just down the hall from here." She told me and sat down. Effectively dismissed, I turned towards the door while looking at the sheet of paper in my hand. She hadn't said anything about the location of my locker and I wasn't going to ask. The bell rang just as I left the office, the hallway immediately buzzing with activity.
When I finally found my classroom the door was closed and the lesson had probably already started. I hated being late. I'd rather not go inside than be late. But playing the truant on my first day of school probably didn't make the best first impression either. Mentally preparing myself, I knocked on the door and after a moment entered the classroom. The teacher immediately stopped speaking. Frogs, this was so humiliating. Was it too much to ask for the floor to open up and to swallow me alive? There were at least twenty pairs of eyes on me as I walked over to the teacher and gave him the sheet. "You certainly took your sweet time getting here, didn't you Miss Sasha Walker." He didn't phrase it like a question. "I seem to be a bit directionally challenged.." I said while trying to lift the corners of my mouth into a smile but failing to keep them there. From his expression he either didn't understand English or he didn't appreciate my comment. It was probably the latter but a girl could dream. After an awkward silence to punctuate his disapproval he pointed at an empty seat at the back of the room. "You can sit next to Miss Connors." A few students snickered at that. "Watch out, she bites." I heard from my left as I made my way to my assigned seat.
With her hair cropped into a short bob and dyed black, four piercings in each ear and more eye-liner than should be legal, Miss Connors did indeed look like she could take a chunk out of me if I got on her bad side. I would heartily try not to do so. As I settled down, the teacher proceeded into his lecture of one of William's many sonnets. America's obsession with this old goat had always been a mystery to me. I mean the man had been dead for the better part of the last half century. That and his work could make Einstein weep with confusion, let alone the average Joe. I noticed that surfer boy wasn't in my class. Maybe add a thought of what she thinks about surfer boy not being in his class? Just a thought.
I suffered through the lesson wondering how anyone could not feel like an idiot while spouting more nonsense than a whale could water. When the bell rang at lunch it seemed to be an eternity later. It was quite amazing how fast the students all disappeared from the classroom. Luckily for me Miss Connors seemed to linger a bit and I took the opportunity to ask her where my locker could be found. Call me sexist, but talking to girls didn't give me any problems. Talking to guys on the other hand turned my tongue into the proverbial Sahara. I love these descriptions. "Come on," she told me. "I'll show you." "So, uhmm..." I began, "I'm Sasha." I said as I offered her my hand. Way to break the ice, you dolt. She looked down at my hand and after apparently deciding it wasn't dangerous, and shook my hand. "Amelia."
She showed me to my locker and showed me how to open it. Who needed keys when you could have a combination lock? I quickly stuffed my jacket into it. "So do you know where the.." When I looked up Amelia had disappeared, "cafeteria is?" I finished my sentence to no one in particular.
So, hope that wasn't discouraging, cause all of those were just slight tweaks. Your writing in general is magnificently alive and grabs the reader along. A really nice job here with this one. ^^
Oh, and welcome to YWS!! I'm sure you'll fit in like a glove on a right-sized hand. (laaaame....) Anyhow, see you around and do keep on writing.
Your's truly, |Life|
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'. ------- The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon. ------- ◥▶◀◤
Thank you for your reply, I appreciate someone telling my story does have it faults but doesn't seem to completely suck (at the moment). This is the first time I've put down more than five sentences, without getting frustrated and throwing my pad out the window.
I'm really glad you like the intro about Giacomo and Lucia. I rewrote that part at least a dozen times.
Again thank you for your constructive criticism, it really helped me see my own mistakes.
I added some things here and there and will be hopefully adding more so please stay tuned, I would love to hear your thoughts as I attempt to put this story to paper (be it ever so slowly)
:]
PS. I'll be making the pieces I add or change blue so you'll know what's new.. or not... I'll be underlining it then because the site freezes every time I try to color my font blue...
Last edited by Vari on Sun May 08, 2011 1:06 pm, edited 3 times in total.
I know those feelings of frustration too well, at the moment I can't get a single word on paper. And yeah, just PM (private message) me when the next chapter is up, or if you just have something to ask, and I'll see what I can do.
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'. ------- The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon. ------- ◥▶◀◤