My Dead Husband's Mother's Day Present (Revised)

“I’m sorry Mom, I can’t do it this time,” Lynn said to her mother. “I just had to take out a loan to get our new car, and money is tight right now.”
“Oh, alright. I just thought I would ask,” Janet said to her daughter. Janet had just lost her husband a week and a half ago due to cancer, and times were tough when it came to money. Todd had no life insurance, and what money they had saved, they had to use it for chemo treatment. Janet was out of money, and out of a husband.
“It’s Mother’s Day. Let’s not think of money. Let us go out and do something. Would you like to go eat somewhere?” Lynn asked her mother.
“I don’t want to go anywhere. My phone got shut off, and my electric is past due as well. How can I think of eating?”
“Mother, I would help you if I could. You know that. Didn’t I help out with Todd?” she pleaded with her mother. Janet looked up from the floor to where her daughter was standing. Lynn’s blonde hair made her sad as soon as she noticed it. Todd had blonde hair.
“Yes, you did, and I want to thank you again. You didn’t have to do that. He may have not been your real father, but he loved you dearly,” Janet said to her daughter. Lynn’s biological father, Henry, had died shortly after Lynn was born while serving in the Vietnam war.
“I know he did, and I loved him as well. So what do you say; do we go get a bite to eat?” Lynn asked.
“I can’t today. I have to call the electric company, and then the phone company to see if I can get on some payment plan. If I descri….”
“It’s Sunday. It’s also a holiday. Nobody is going to be working. Plus, how can you call if your phone is shut off?” Lynn asked smartly. She was starting to get a temper.
“I’ll go down to Joyce’s and see if I can use her computer. They have a chat thingy now online where you don’t even need to call anymore,” Janet stated.
“Oh, fine. Whatever Mom. Its Mother’s Day and I thought you would want to go out like we usually do. Maybe get your mind off of things, but if you want to stay at home, so be it,” Lynn said as she turned for the door.
“I need to get this taken care of. If I get my phone turned back on, I will call you later this evening,” Janet said.
“Alright Mom. Have a good day and good luck. Happy Mother’s Day and I love you.”
“I love you too dear,” Janet said to her daughter as she walked out the door.

After her daughter left, Janet went upstairs to go to the bathroom. As she walked into the bathroom, she checked herself out in the mirror before sitting down on the toilet.
“My poor hair keeps getting grayer by the minute” she said to nobody as she pulled down her slacks and sat down onto the toilet. After she was in a good position, she reached down to her left, looking for a book to read as she did her duty. She felt the magazine rack she had positioned in between the toilet and the shower, and pulled out a thin novel she only liked to read while she was doing her business. Flight 764 by BT Musselman. As she skimmed through the pages to where she had previously left off, her phone started to ring. Janet jumped at the sound, and then was in shock. How could the phone be ringing when it was disconnected? She grabbed for the toilet paper and gave herself a good wipe, followed by another, and then finally got to her feet. She skipped out on washing her hands, which she usually did anyway. She had made it half way into the upstairs living area when the phone quit ringing. She made it to the chair which was positioned by the phone, and picked up the receiver. Nothing. She then dialed *69 and heard the sound of the buttons being punched, but other than that, nothing. She put the receiver back down on its cradle, and grew a deep puzzled look on her face.
“What the hell was that,” she asked herself. Then it hit her. It was the phone company trying to get in touch with her to make paying arrangements on the phone bill. After concluding this was what it was, she sat back in the chair and turned on the TV. She would just wait here for them to call back. There was no need for her to go to Joyce’s place if they were trying to contact her. She flipped on the Mother’s Day parade on channel 4, and fell asleep not long after.

She awoke by the phone ringing, and it startled her so bad, she broke wind. She reached for the phone.
“Hello, this is Janet,” she said into the receiver.
Nothing
“Hello? Who’s calling please?” she spoke again. All she heard was lots of static.
“Hello? Hel…”
“JANNNNEEEETTTTT,” a disturbing voice spoke very loudly into the other end of the phone line.
“Who is this?” she asked the stranger.
“HAPPY, JANET…HAPPPYYYY,” the strange voice said through much static.
“If you don’t tell me who this is, I will call the police” she said, knowing she would be unable to do so.
“MOTHERS DAYYY,” the voice said. This was too much for Janet, and she hung up the phone.

The phone call had left her puzzled and worked up. Prank calls always scared her more that make her mad. But how was it possible for a prank call to be made on a line that was disconnected? It wasn’t possible, was it? Janet got up from the chair and walked into her bedroom, and got into her bed. She did not want to be in that room anymore, so she turned on the TV in her bedroom. She must have fallen asleep for awhile, because the Mother’s Day parade was now over. She glance over at the alarm clock, and it read 4:55 P.M. She surfed through the channels, and came across a movie she had not seen in many years, and was on her top ten list. Pretty Women. While she laid in her bed and started to ease into comfort, the phone started to ring again. Janet felt her face flush, as she was no longer scared. She was mad. She didn’t know how this was happening, but she wanted it to stop. She pulled the covers off, and went out of the bedroom, through the hall, and into the living area. She sat down in the chair and picked up the phone.
“What do you want! Please, leave me al….”
“HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY, JAN” the stranger’s voice said. But this was no stranger, and Janet knew it. The voice was now more clear without the static in the background, and there was only one person that called her Jan. Her late husband.
“I…Uh…” Janet stuttered.
“HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY. I MISSSSSS YOU”
“Todd…how is this possible…we buried you last week. Please stop calling. Your breaking my heart,” Janet stated, and then heard a click on the other line. It was her husband, and he had hung up. How did he have a phone? How was he even calling? He was dead.
Janet picked up the phone again to see if she could call out on her phone. She punched in her daughter’s number, with no success. There was no dial tone. Janet started to cry. She was now frightened again, and she didn’t know what to do. After some thinking, she decided to go down to Joyce’s house after all, and call the police. She didn’t know what they could do, but she thought they could possibly look into the phone records to see where the call was placed from. She went into the bathroom to clean herself up, and get changed into something more presentable. As she was pulling down her slacks to change into a pair of jeans, she heard somebody pounding on the door. Janet jumped, and pulled back up her slacks. She figured it was probably her daughter again seeing if she had changed her mind about going out to eat. There was another hard pound on the door.
“I’m coming! One moment,” Janet screamed as she descended the stairs. When she finally got to the door, she looked through the peep hole to see who the knocker was. There was nobody to be seen. She took a deep breath and swallowed what little saliva she had, and unlocked the door. As she opened it, she noticed there was nobody at the door, as the peephole had revealed. She poked her head out and looked around and saw nobody in sight. She pulled her head back in, and as she was closing the door she looked down and noticed three roses laying on the mat in front of the doorstep. One red, one white, and one pink. She took notice they were a bit withered, and then she knew why. These were the three roses she had put on her late husband’s grave just a week ago. All of a sudden, her mind filled with the memories she had with Todd, and in that instant knew that her husband missed her as much as she missed him. She picked up the roses and also noticed there was dirt on the stems, as if the person who had brought them and placed them there had dirt packed hands. Tears fell endlessly out of Jan’s eyes to the mat where the roses were laid as she closed the door.



For Candace again,
Happy Mother’s Day.

Hey there, BT. This was overall a very cleanly written piece, but before getting into my actual review I figured I'd point out the little nitpicks that I spotted first.

“Mother, I would help you if I could. You know that. Didn’t I help out with Todd#BF0000 ">(?)” #BF0000 ">she pleaded with her mother.

“I know he did, and I loved hi#BF0000 ">m as well. So what do you say; #BF0000 ">do we go get a bite to eat?”

They have a chat thingy now online where you don’t even need to call anymore#BF0000 ">(,)” Janet stated.

but if you want to stay at home, so be it#BF0000 ">(,)” Lynn said as she turned for the door.

If I get my phone turned back on, I will call you later this evening#BF0000 ">(,)” Janet said.

Instead of pointing out the places you put periods instead of commas, I'll just make a note that before the closing parenthesis, if you plan on adding "Janet said" or "Janet stated", there's always a comma before it, not a period, because it's not the end of the sentence until after you add in whoever was saying or doing what, after the dialogue.

“My poor hair keeps getting grayer by the minute#BF0000 ">(,)” she said to nobody #BF0000 ">(Missing comma)

She #BF0000 ">awoke by the phone ringing, #BF0000 ">(This should be written in the same tense as the rest of the story.)

“Hello, this is Janet#BF0000 ">(,)” she said into the receiver. #BF0000 ">(Missing comma)

“Hello#BF0000 ">(?) Who’s calling please#BF0000 ">(?)” she spoke again.

“Who is this#BF0000 ">(?)” she asked the stranger.

“HAPPY, JANET…HAPPPYYYY#BF0000 ">(,)” the strange voice said through much static.
“If you don’t tell me who this is, I will call the police#BF0000 ">(,)” she said, knowing she would be unable to do so.
“MOTHERS DAYYY#BF0000 ">(,)” the voice said.

You forgot to place commas in many places. I won't point out the rest as they are easy to spot, but I would just make a note of adding them in where necessary. I did a few, but you'll surely be able to catch the rest.

Prank calls always scared her more tha#BF0000 ">n infuriat#BF0000 ">ed her.

“Todd…how is this possible…you’re dead.” Janet asked, and then heard a click on the other line. It was her husband, and he had hung up.

This doesn't seem like a realistic enough nature for a woman who's realizing she's getting ghost pranked by her late husband. I feel like her reaction should be a little more shocked or scared or startled or something. I would try tweaking the reaction a little bit. It could use some altering. Her later reaction as I read down the line seems to fit a little better, but right here it just seems so empty with emotion.

She picked them up and also notice#BF0000 ">d

As for the ending of this, I think it closed too abruptly and simply for it to leave an impact on the reader. You could have done a lot more for it to have been more of an emotional impact. And as for the rest of the story, I think that it started out good, but as I had continued reading, I was also looking for some kind of kick to the storyline. I feel as though even though the outcome was a little obvious, you might have put some more punch to it with your words and the actions and emotions of your main character. I didn't feel that.

There was also a part in here, I'll quote it so you know what I'm talking about exactly:

“My poor hair keeps getting grayer by the minute” she said to nobody as she pulled down her slacks and sat down onto the toilet. After she was in a good position, she reached down to her left, looking for a book to read as she did her duty. She felt the magazine rack she had positioned in between the toilet and the shower, and pulled out a thin novel she only liked to read while she was doing her business.

To me, this whole little insert, and the overall actions of the character as she was in the bathroom seemed too irrelevantly placed. It was kind of random which almost seemed in some way comical to me as I read it. I think if you had made her actions something a little more meaningful than going to the bathroom it would have sufficed in very way better. There's no depth, and it becomes sort of a flat feeling to read through once this part is reached.

If you had made it so that she does something more serious as she's in the bathroom, I think it would mold a lot better into the story. Like say she took some pills from out of the cabinet and was nearing an emotional breakdown as thoughts of her husband flooded her memory. She could try to shake them as she becomes invulnerable to the prank calling going on. Anything could work here. The setting of a bathroom is such a cold and empty place. Use that to your strength when plotting out the characters actions.

Overall, this seemed like a really good first draft with a whole lot of potential. Your writing is very clear, but the depth of this short story wasn't exactly there yet in my opinion. Which is mostly the only real critique I would have about the story, despite the little things. Nice job though, and I hope my review wasn't too harsh and just helpful enough for you to take something from it.

Hello and thank you for the review! I agree with you on what you said. I love all feedback. This only took an hour to write today, so I knew there would be some bad critism along with the good. I liked the idea though, seeinf as I had never really written a supernatural short(If thats what you would even want to call it) so I know that there is alot to change and so forth. Thanks for reading and thank you for the excellent review! Take care.