You, Him, and I (I Don't Belong)

The Entrance aroma-
it's never been right-
never smelled of home.
I'm walking on eggshells
avoiding the fight.

The stove's element heats,
everyday's the same,
then the night light glows.
Although he helps greatly,
he can't stop my pain.

Each sunrise is a blur,
each hour a haze,
every week a waste.
I'm not under control;
the leaf's burning blaze.

Hate me for who I am.
I'm not the ideal,
nor picture you've made.
The daughter of absence-
canvas of surreal.

Never see me for me.
I don't think you can...
Or you don't want to.
Life is rushing by fast;
the heart of who's ran.

The darkness of his skin...
Now my mind- it fades
like the shadowed star.
Without the hand of god
my idol I praise.

Love I've tried to show him
doesn't cost a cent,
but charges crazy.
The mind of the insane;
the adolescent.

A sharp eye searching trust.
Though I'm a "young one",
he's got it within.
Merry-go-round thinking-
the process he's spun.

He can see right through me,
though I'm in disguise;
a chameleon.
Two intelligent minds;
temple of the wise.

The early bloom of spring,
the first nude in fall-
an act you can't stop.
I've always been ahead-
matured before all.

Your lack of attention-
no benevolence-
your blind eyes that see.
You have made a savage
for independence.

A murderer in mask-
I've buried it deep,
the monster hidden.
Cloaked under benign smiles,
feeling the craze creep.

An eternal duckling-
I've never fit in-
forever ugly.
Appreciate me now,
not who I had been.

Overcome by eclipse,
my soul's benighted
with rain and fire.
Bow down to his goddess;
flames he's ignited.

My arms hold emptiness-
my love is far gone-
I'm lonely... enraged.
I should be by his side...
Here, I don't belong.




For those who are curious, "You, your" statements are aimed at my father, "Him, his, he" is related to my boyfriend.

The Entrance aroma-
it's never been right- Consider changing this to a comma.
never smelled of home.
I'm walking on eggshells
avoiding the fight. Perhaps change this to avoiding a fight. It sounds better, in my opinion, but that's completely up to you.

The stove's element heats, I'm not so sure about this sentence. It doesn't sound quite right to me.
everyday's the same,
then the night light glows.
Although he helps greatly,
he can't stop my pain.

Each sunrise is a blur,
each hour a haze,
every week a waste.
I'm not under control;
the leaf's burning blaze. I really love this stanza.

Hate me for who I am.
I'm not the ideal,
nor picture you've made.
The daughter of absence-
canvas of surreal. This stanza confuses me, but that may just be because I'm not deep at all. It sounds poetic, though.

Those are just some of my thoughts on the first few stanzas. Now I'm going to go pick and choose the stanzas and quote them on here.

The early bloom of spring,
the first nude in fall-
an act you can't stop.
I've always been ahead-
matured before all.

This stanza is awesome. It's written very well, and sounds extremely poetic.

Love i've tried to show him
doesn't cost a cent,
but charges crazy.
The mind of the insane;
the adolescent.

It was probably just a typo, seeing as your good with grammar, but the I needs to be capitalized.

Never see me for me.
I don't think you can...
Or you don't want to.
Life is rushing by fast;
the heart of who's ran.

This stanza is amazing. I think it describes someone who refuses to see who you are, simply because they always have to be right. Awesome.

I really enjoyed this poem. You wrote it very well, it sounds very poetic, and there really aren't many grammatical errors. Beautiful job. I really enjoyed reading this. I look forward to reading more from you.

Hello there =]. First I would like to say that this was a nice read, flowed pretty well, though other spots were a bit patchy. But overall a very nice, solid poem. Very long though, haha. But thats okay. You got your message across wonderfully =]