Acceptance

Ello Chimp!

So, I think this has a lot of potential. That said, there are some things you need to fix. There are also some things I think are perfect. So, here we go.

Grammar: Very little here.

A beautiful rose,
you keep hidden inside;
its’ throne a dark vine,
of bitter acceptance,
that life has no “rewind."

General:

Likes=Maroon
Suggestions/Questions=Purple

Press pause on the remote,
the one in your mind.
Examine this frame,
a moment in time.
Look at her face,
full of sunshine and smiles. This whole first stanza is amazing. I absolutely love it. Especially the first two lines. I thought they were really unique and just cool in general. So good job.

Why can’t all memories be
so full of life,
so vividly painted,
so joyful and kind? This stanza seemed to be lacking something to me. It needs more words for one, and more emotion. I think it is a pivotal point in the poem, so I really think it needs to have a strong impact on the reader. I feel that with so little words, and such common words, it didn't have that effect.

After this moment,
life falls apart.
Like leaves in October,
it is crumpled and dry. I like the analogy.

You don’t want to leave
you hold on with a sigh.
Knowing, in time, Didn't catch that.... No comma needed.
you must return to the present.

Where she no longer resides. This was strange. Might I suggest placing it in the above stanza? It would make a lot more sense, and... yeah. I like it better there. If you do change the period after present to a comma.

You have this one frame,
this one moment in time.
A beautiful rose,
you keep hidden inside;
its’ throne a dark vine,
of bitter acceptance,
that life has no “rewind." Like the closing, like the message, and I love how you have stuck with the frame and video thing. It is cool.

Overall: I feel mostly throughout the whole poem that it is lacking a little something. I think there needs to be more words, and I wish it had more. I hope I helped, I really liked it. If you have any questions or comments feel free to contact me.

-HostofHorus

Okay so I'm not the biggest poetry reviewer, and if you've read any of my pieces you'll know that my poetry is atrocious! But I'm here to review and that's that! Feel free to ignore my little musings on this piece.

ChimpanzeeMinkey wrote:the one in your mind.

This may just be me but this feels like a forced rhyme. You've made the syllables fit but somehow it doesn't seem to fit with the high quality of the rest of this verse. Is there a way you can rearrange it?

ChimpanzeeMinkey wrote:Look at her face,

I would go with something more dramatic than 'look'.
Try one of these:
Gaze
Stare
Glance
Gawp
Gape
Watch (this would cause the whole line to change however.)
Gawk
Ogle (Again, changing the whole line.)

ChimpanzeeMinkey wrote:Why can’t all memories be
so full of lifeQuestion mark.

ChimpanzeeMinkey wrote:So vividly painted,

ChimpanzeeMinkey wrote:You have this one frame,
this moment in time.
A beautiful rose,
you keep hidden inside,
its’ throne a dark vine,
of bitter acceptance,
that life has no “rewind”.

This was definately my favourite part! I love the imagery and final message that you display. I couldn't find much wrong with this poem, hopefully someone else will be able to help you a bit more!

Press pause on the remote,
the one in your mind. you could phrase this less bluntly, show don't tell
Examine this frame,
a moment in time.
Look at her face,
full of sunshine and smiles. I don't like how sunshine and time rhyme here when it's not part of the rhyme

Why can’t all memories be
so full of life,
so vividly painted,
so joyful and kind? this stanza gas a really nice flow to it

After this moment,
life falls apart. delete this period, make it a comma or leave nothing there
Like leaves in October,
it is crumpled and dry.

You don’t want to leave
you hold on with a sigh.
Knowing, in time,
you must return to the present.

Where she no longer resides. oooo very nice I like this

You have this one frame,
this moment in time. you've over-used the word 'time'
A beautiful rose,
you keep hidden inside,
its’ throne a dark vine, The rhyme here is awkward
of bitter acceptance,
that life has no “rewind”.

I liked this, keep writing
-KatTrain

I really enjoyed reading this. It was beautifully written, but there are still just a few small nitpicks in there.

Press pause on the remote,
the one in your mind.
Examine this frame,
a moment in time.
Look at her face,
full of sunshine and smiles. The only thing I have to say about this stanza is that I really enjoyed reading it. It was well written, and I love the way you say, "Examine this frame, a moment in time."

Why can’t all memories be
so full of life,
so vividly painted,
so joyful and kind? As for this stanza, it threw me off a bit, simply because I like reading things that have the same number of lines in a stanza, so, usually on poems, the rhythms a bit off. On this, though, it isn't. Awesome.

After this moment,
life falls apart.
Like leaves in October,
it is crumpled and dry. This last sentence, though a good metaphor, completely threw off the rhythm It doesn't sound right, because of the rhyming with the other stanzas. I'd suggest changing that last line to make it fit.

You don’t want to leave
you hold on with a sigh.
Knowing, in time,
you must return to the present. I loved this stanza. It was awesome.

Where she no longer resides. This line seriously made me go, Awe. Poor guy.

You have this one frame,
this moment in time. Once again, I love this line.
A beautiful rose,
you keep hidden inside,
its’ throne a dark vine,
of bitter acceptance,
that life has no “rewind”. I love this last line. It fit really well, and just sounded beautiful. In a tragic way. Not a beautiful, happy way. You really expressed awesome emotions in this.

Wonderful job. I really enjoyed reading this. The emotion you wrote into this was gorgeous. It made me really feel for the guy your writing about. Also, you really showed, and didn't just tell. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. I'm very impressed.