Lightning Fight

Author's Note: I'm not a great songwriter, but this is a song with a very upbeat tune. Thanks for your reviews!

here we are down on earth
with our guns and our hate
can we still save ourselves?
or are we just way too late?

violence and pain and
loss and remorse
a child alone
a life set off course

yet He still looks on us
with a love in His eye
His chest inhales in
He lets out a sigh


so now we’re frantic in an open field
in the lightning storm!
just as the rain chills our bones
we beg to be warm

violent storms and
the raging atmosphere
can’t help but make us
want to disappear

how can we do anything but breathe in the night
we need a saving grace
we need a light
someone who’s always with us

even in the lightning fight


this breath that He frees
winds its way down to us
so the grass blades do kiss
and His voice, it does muss

the heartbeats and hearts
of all who have heard
the sky becomes white as
the wings of a bird

auroras paint that glow
and the chaos comes forth
drumbeats clap in the sky
wind whips our hair north


so now we’re running towards an open field
in the lightning storm!
even as the rain chills our bones
we still want to be warm

violent storms and
the raging atmosphere
can’t ever get that hope to
disappear

we all feel the need to breathe in the night
we’re finding our saving grace
and our light
maybe He’ll always be with us

even in the lightning fight!


whom does this touch?
all who feel it, of course
it reflects in the eyes
of gazers, with such force

that our hands twirl in time
and a beat presses strong
we see the miracle He’s given
we see that we’re wrong

His sigh is still pounding
and it tilts the whole earth
even so, we run desperate
for all that we’re worth


so now we’re dancing in an open field
in the lightning storm!
even as the rain chills our bones
His hands keep us warm

violent storms and
the raging atmosphere
can’t ever get His love to
disappear

nothing can stop us as we breathe in the night
for He is our saving grace
and our light
He’s always with us
even in the lightning fight

even in the lightning fight!

Yullo.

His chest inhales in
He lets out a sigh

When you inhale, your chest puffs out. That makes the imagery here something of a quandary. Maybe you could change it to "His chest heaves once"? If you have to keep the rhythm like that, you could make it "His chest, it heaves once".

But then, I don't know if that will work with your song.

Violence and pain and
loss and remorse

The last and on the first line is a bit superfluous. You could take it out.

And I thought you were only capitalizing Him? Just pointing that out. You have some more caps that aren't Him down below, too.

even in the lightning fight

Why is this by itself? It could go with the previous stanza.

all who feel it, of course

Overall, I think I love this. You did very well in describing everything-- I love the image of dancing in the rain.

Thanks so much for posting this! I enjoyed reading it a lot.

Hope to see more!

Great poem-song! I could really feel this as an enthusiastically-aggressive rap. My only issue was that it seemed to slow down once or twice just because it ran out of breath, and not for any stylistic or such reason. But overall, wonderful job, keep writing!

here we are down on earth
with our guns and our hate
can we still save ourselves?
or are we just way too late?

violence and pain and
loss and remorse
a child alone
a life set off course

yet He still looks on us
with a love in His eye
His chest inhales in
As He lets out a sigh


so now we’re frantic in an open field
in the lightning storm! these two lines aren’t in sync with the rest of the tune so far. This might be because it is a chorus, and if it is, you should probably give tell us in parenthesis or something
just as the rain chills our bones
we beg to be warm

violent storms and
the raging atmosphere
can’t help but make us
want to disappear This stanza just seems a little flat. Could you find a way to amp it up?
how can we do anything but breathe in the night
we need a saving grace
we need a light
someone who’s always with us

even in the lightning fight


this breath that He frees
winds its way down to us
so the grass blades do kiss
and His voice, it does muss I really didn’t understand what you were trying to say by all of this.the heartbeats and hearts
of all who have heard
the sky becomes white as
the wings of a bird The rhyme scheme is becoming a bit jagged to me up to this point.
auroras paint that glow the glow of what? I know that auroras glow, but you said auroras paint ‘that’ glow.and the chaos comes forth
drumbeats clap in the sky
wind whips our hair north


so now we’re running towards an open field
in the lightning storm!
even as the rain chills our bones
we still want to be warm

violent storms and
the raging atmosphere
can’t ever get that hope to
disappear

we all feel the need to breathe in the night
we’re finding our saving grace
and our light
maybe He’ll always be with us

even in the lightning fight!


whom does this touch?
all who feel it, of course
it reflects in the eyes
of gazers, with such force

that our hands twirl in time
and a beat presses strong
we see the miracle He’s given
we see that we’re wrong

His sigh is still pounding
and it tilts the whole earth
even so, we run desperate
for all that we’re worth these last three stanzas were really well done, I thought. The rhyming was fluid and the pace felt quick, like the climax.

so now we’re dancing in an open field
in the lightning storm!
even as the rain chills our bones
His hands keep us warm

violent storms and
the raging atmosphere
can’t ever get His love to
disappear

nothing can stop us as we breathe in the night
for He is our saving grace
and our light
He’s always with us
even in the lightning fight

even in the lightning fight!

Overall, this was very good! I have a little bit of confusion trying to figure out the main idea of this, but I’m pretty sure it just has to do with faith and how it’s something people will turn to in the darkest and most desperate times.
The beginning I thought was a lot more depressing-sounding than the rest of it, but maybe you wanted it this way, like you were opening with a slow moving part and then speeding up.
Besides that, I think it went over really well and I’m glad I read it! Probably all the negative comments I had were due to the fact that my brain has zero ounces of poet in it.
See you around!

This is really good.

Although I'm not religious I could feel great emotion in this and your imagery was really great.
But, if it's a song (like you said it is and like it seems to be) then it should be posted in Lyrics (sorry for nagging on you about this).
Your flow is a little off and you also need lots of punctuation and capitalization. But other than that it's really great

Keep writing,
Alzora