Escape

This is a short composition, which I wrote when I was asked by my teacher to begin a composition with “There was darkness all around. I walked ahead two steps then suddenly………”
This was written when I was 12yrs old. So this is a bit of my old stuff. Feel free to comment

There was darkness all around. I walked ahead two steps then suddenly in the distance, I saw a ray of light. I looked around there was water all over the underground tunnel and I could feel the chilly water rushing in my boots. I started running towards the ray of light hoping to escape from the strangers who had seized our school for a week. I had a narrow escape from those diabolic people, as my friends and teachers were all being ill- treated by them and they were weak and feeble. Thinking of my fellow friends my heart started thumping more fiercely than ever. I was finding it difficult to run as I was too weak and my heavy boots were full of water.

Slowly and slowly the ray of light seemed to brighten up. But all of a sudden, I could hear some men talking and the sound of footsteps in water. I hurried but it was of no use, I saw them already standing in front of the hole from where the light was coming. I shrank back against a thick pipe hoping that the rock in front would shield me from the searching light. My eyes were wide with terror as I saw the light sweep in a zigzag over the mossy walls.

Every minute seemed to me like an hour. And after a long time the men took a right turn and their voice faded away. I gave a sigh of relief. I came out from behind the pipe and hurried off to the manhole. I jumped so that I could catch hold of the hole. And after a few tries I caught hold of it and I hauled out myself from the tunnel.

After that I don’t remember much as the next time I opened my eyes I was in the hospital. I also got the news that everyone was saved in the school, through the tunnel from which I came out. It was an onerous task to escape from those terrorists.

Pretty good. You missed commas in a few places, I've noticed.
Keep up the good work.

-*Shimmer

Thanks!
Yep!there is a bit of punctuation error(the commas),cuz I have copied exactly the thing which I wrote 1yr ago.

Hey, not bad. I never knew you could write swell! But I must say that this story lacks a proper and definite plot-it’s a bit vague. You should edit it. Your writing was quite nice-the actions were quite realistic. But the plot isn’t good and as I told you already, it’s vague. This could turn into something better and more action-packed. In this line, ‘I came out from behind the pipe and hurried of to the manhole.’ ‘of’ should be ‘off’.
And your introducing line about this composition is very boring and ill-constructed!!

Thanks!!

I edited the 'off'.Let me see if I can change things in this and make it interesting.

This is a short composition, which I wrote when I was asked by my teacher to begin a composition with “There was darkness all around. I walked ahead two steps then suddenly………”
This was written when I was 12yrs old. So this is a bit of my old stuff. Feel free to comment

Even if your stuff is old, it is always good to keep working on it and improving it. I'm glad you put it here. Maybe putting this first part in italics could separate this a little more from the rest of the composition.

After that I don’t remember much as the next time I opened my eyes I was in the hospital. I also got the news that everyone was saved in the school, through the tunnel from which I came out. It was an onerous task to escape from those terrorists.

I'm not sure I like the last sentence. It seems a little abrupt. Maybe if you had built up the anticipation a little more for who the strangers were it might work better, which brings me to another point. Maybe you could expand this more, and turn it into a longer piece, instead of just another school composition. I'm not saying those are bad, just that you could expand this. You could make it more mysterious or angsty, because you seem you go between those two things.

Overall, great job!

---Addie

Thanks Addie!!
Yeah I will surely try to make it more mysterious and good.

And welcome to yws ( I guess u are new.)

See u around

this is good althought only one line bothered me:

I came out from behind the pipe and hurried off to the manhole. I jumped so that I could catch hold of the hole.

the repetition of hole so close to each other sounds a bit off.

Apart from that well done, and im now off to read some more of your work

miyaviloves

Thanks for reviewing my work.