Magic story, but I can't think of a good name, sorry

This was just and English assignment I decided to post...

…And our sovereign wishes to remind you all that magic must be paid for, and no favors may be granted using powers…

“Come on!” said a tall, slender girl of about eighteen, “She says that every day!”

The girl, Crystal Belharma, was sprawled in a chair in a small, brightly lit room on the ground floor of an apartment/shop

building with a cushion on her lap. The pillow had the picture of a leopard embroidered into it, and she was currently tying the

last threads of the needlework together using her light blue magic. The magic’s flame flickered about her fingertips as she

finished, and then turned to talk to her sister,

“Don’t you think she says that every time?’

“Mmmm…” murmured Maja, a slightly smaller girl than her sister. She was about fifteen, but you wouldn’t think so because of her leading manner and mature face.

Right now that elfin face with its almond shaped green eyes was creased above a plaid pillow, as she tried to unsnarl her purple magic from the threads.

“I’m so jealous of you! Getting to do your own projects!” she said exasperatedly, as the thread gave one last wriggle and fell still.

“Come on, time for lunch!” said Crystal, “I figure you’re about ready for a break,” she chuckled, looking at her sister’s impatient little face.

The two girls walked outside, adjusting their tunics and straightening their leggings, rumpled from being inside for so long.
*****
“Two biscuits, please, and a protein drink.” said Crystal, as she ordered their lunch, “Oh, and a muffin, too”

“No can do, “ said the worker at Sergeant’s Food Shop, whose nametag read Lieutenant Jak and wore very strong cologne.
“How mush do I owe you?”

“Well, I was wondering if you could pay me in a favor?’ He asked conspiratorially.

“Okay, I guess, what is it?”

“I’ll come by your shop at six o’clock tonight, when I get off work,” he said, before turning and helping another customer.
A very bewildered Crystal returned to the flat with the food.

*****

“All I need is for you to zap me up a magic gift with my sister’s face and name, Gli, on it” he shrugged, “What harm can it do?”

“It can get us both in trouble, that’s what!” said Crystal, as Maja nodded next to her, while thinking, How can we get out of doing this? He is acting like a total villain!

“Fine, but let me pay you for the muffin, and then you can use that money to pay me for the gift, “ proposed Crystal.

“Deal!”

They shook hands on it, and we got to work
*****
Later, when everything was done and gone, Crystal turned to me,

“You know, I think that when you added those auxiliary tassels, it looked very nice.”

“Thanks,” I said, and went to bed, warm with her compliment.


********************I had to use some vocabulary words in here, so just ignore them***************************

This is good but you add a little too much desciption into some sentences. The one that springs to mind is when you are describing the person serving the the main character, if you put he fact that he wore a lot of cologne in another sentence maybe a bit later it keeps the reader interested as they find out a little more about each charater as the story progresses. This could also be true of some of the other sentences at the start of the story such as describing the room.
That was the onlt problem I saw and the idea so far is interesting, are you going to continue?
I like the way you describe the magic as colours and there are no typos that I noticed..

You slipped into first person the last few sentences, which is annoying. Other than that...decent

Heh hheh heh, 'cologne' was a vocab word...I kinda had to use it, like 'auxiliary", and some others
I might continue it, but I'm not sure. This is the first story I've written in, like, a year. *bad me! BAD!*

A couple of things:

- shouldn't this be in the Fantasy section? The title itself acknowledges that "this is a magic story," so I'm not entirely sure why this is here ...

- a bad title is better than no title. If you can't possibly think up a title, call it "untitled". Boring, I know, but it's easier on the eyes. (And, again, a bad title is better than the current heading for this story.)

- formatting. You've got the double-spacing down right, but make sure you're formatting correctly.

For example, this chunk of the story:

The girl, Crystal Belharma, was sprawled in a chair in a small, brightly lit room on the ground floor of an apartment/shop

building with a cushion on her lap. The pillow had the picture of a leopard embroidered into it, and she was currently tying the

last threads of the needlework together using her light blue magic. The magic’s flame flickered about her fingertips as she

finished, and then turned to talk to her sister,

should actually only be a single paragraph, like so:

The girl, Crystal Belharma, was sprawled in a chair in a small, brightly lit room on the ground floor of an apartment/shop building with a cushion on her lap. The pillow had the picture of a leopard embroidered into it, and she was currently tying the last threads of the needlework together using her light blue magic. The magic’s flame flickered about her fingertips as she finished, and then turned to talk to her sister,

Proofread before you post; there's a lovely little button called "Preview" — use it to make sure that the story hasn't been skewed.

(On a minor note, the comma after "sister" should actually be a period.)

The switch from third person to first person, as mentioned in a previous critique, should be fixed.

Watch your dialogue; punctuate it properly.

“Two biscuits, please, and a protein drink.” said Crystal, as she ordered their lunch, “Oh, and a muffin, too”

“No can do, “ said the worker at Sergeant’s Food Shop, whose nametag read Lieutenant Jak and wore very strong cologne.
“How mush do I owe you?”

The period after "drink" should be a comma, and the comma after "lunch" should be a period." The last bit of dialogue (Oh, and a muffin, too) should also be punctuated.

In the next bit of dialogue, the one that belongs to Lieutenant Jak, the quotation mark should be directly after the comma. (And you're using the wrong kind of quotation mark; it should be an endquote.)

So, basically, it should be like this:

“No can do,” said the worker at Sergeant’s Food Shop, whose nametag read Lieutenant Jak and wore very strong cologne.

A couple of additional notes — why does he say "no can do" when in fact he means "Yes"? Is he trying to be funny or clever? If so, indicate that somehow. (You don't have to say it directly; in fact, indirectly showing it to the reader would be even better.) Also, "How mush do I owe you?" should be "How much do I owe you?" This is why proofreading is good.

Overall, the story kinda lacks focus. You jump all over the place without really developing anything — the story just seems random and scattered right now. The ending, for example, with Crystal talking about how nice her tassels looked, seems pointless and very random. Organize your story; right now it seems quite aimless.

Good luck.

If this was for an assignment, then it doesn't need a proper ending or plot. But if you're going to expand this - and it'd be good if you did - then you should round off the ending more neatly. And sort out the tenses.