Without you

Concrete bare against my back.

Feeling it's pebbles scrap along my skin.

Breathing in the sighs of the trees around me.

I shiver.

You hold unto me as if I would flee.

But in my mind, I already had.

As you pressed your palms unto the ground,
I closed my eyes.

I waited for the hurt.

Reminded myself that this is what I wanted to do.

That this was right.

You didnt kiss me.

Looking back now I bet you wish you had.

I had told you,

"This is to be special."

It was everything but..

The moon sheltered behind the clouds as the stars winked
down at us from above.

A pain throughout my curves.

Sending a scream along my bones.

A pain.

A loss.

You entered me.

The first.

You.

Once you were done,

I sobbed.

But all you did was slide your jeans back on and sigh.

Flower here and I will be your reviewer for the evening.

I read through this and the word that caught in my mind was choppy and also jumpy. You have wonderful, very vivid descriptions but they don't flow together. They are like a pretty mess. You have to make the pieces fit together and work with each other to complete the puzzle.

I did like the end because then I completely understood, but I want to understand from the beggining. Show me what you are trying to tell me. I do think this has a greater meaning behind it that I'm reading into. I really do like this piece. I think you have potential.

-Flow-

the poem goes well,
buh there is no flow, and i din't understand much, to tell u the truth!
try another 1,this tym it'll b ryt!

Hi-ya! You always come with something interesting! I like it! Great imagery! I understand the story line, but there was more raw hurt than emotion. I don't know how you'd change it, but I think it tells it's own story. Brilliant writing!