The Devil's Pocket Watch (2.1)

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Chapter Two
Magic & Birds


Her eyes felt heavy, opening them felt like trying to pry open a closed elevator door. Kris tilted her head back and groaned. With a stretch, her back curled over the chair. Her muscles felt like jell-o underneath her skin. Stretching her fingers, she noticed something odd.
“What is this?” she croaked, looking at her tied hands. She was sitting on a chair with a rope tied to each of her wrists and ankles. “My god, what is this?” She whispered. Panic began spreading through her like wild fire as she tugged and pulled in a futile attempt to free herself. Looking around the room, she made out the place she was being held. It was a hotel room with a large front window and velvet curtains. The hotel room was all lit up but no one was there, the only sound came from the clock that hung above the TV. Her eyes followed the second hand as it ticked and tocked. It was late, 8:38pm which meant she had been out for more than four hours.
She looked back down and tugged, the rope burned over her skin. Why was she here? The last thing she remembered was talking to Lavira outside the hospital and then feeling drowsy. Did she really fall asleep? Did she perhaps leave her there sleeping? Did someone actually kidnap her?
No…it couldn’t be - how could someone do that? It had to be joke.
“Okay…you can come out now,” she whimpered. “Please let me go home now.” Her voice shook and her words came out sloppy, tripping over each other. She looked around the room for someone to jump out from behind the curtains or sofa, someone that will point a finger, laugh and say, “Gotcha!”
She took in deep breaths. But no one came out. She looked back down and struggled again with the ropes. She noticed the telephone that sat on the stand next to the couch. With a jump, the chair scratched against the wood taking her closer.
She figured she might take this time to call for help. What kind of kidnappers would even leave her alone with a telephone nearby, anyway? Sucking in a breath, she forced herself to jump again.
The leg of the chair hit her heel. With wide eyes she let out a yelp, hitting the floor with a loud thud. Her cheek smashed against the cool floor and laying there with her pathetic attempt at an escape made tears crawl out her eyes.
“Well, well, isn’t this just grand,” a rough voice said.
Her entire body froze.
The person gripped the back of the chair and pulled her upright. Hair fell over her face as she turned up to look at her kidnapper. Gentle fingers brushed her strands aside, clearing her vision. He was tall, not thin but had a slender appearance and wore a suit that looked like it belonged to someone from the 19th century. He seemed older than her, in his early twenties perhaps. Raven-like hair sat on his head in lazy curls and a pair of moonlight eyes bore down on her. He was attractive, that Kris had a difficult time taking her eyes off of him. Even with the fact that he had kidnapped her, her eyes drew towards him like a moth to a flame.
“W-who are you?” She could feel the sticky tears on the sides of her face.
“Is that the most important question right now?” He had a slight Irish accent when he spoke.
“Why am I here? Why did you kidnap me? What did I do wrong?” The questions buzzed through her head as fast as the blood pumped through her heart.
“Now that’s better. You’re here for a reason, don’t worry,” he said, taking a seat in front of her, “you weren’t some girl I decided to pick up off the streets to torture, in fact…I don’t really want to torture you at all.” A hint of a smile peeked on his lips for a millisecond.
She tilted her head and then looked down at her constraints. “Who are you?”
He smiled, shaking his head. “Wrong question, my dear. Shall we try that again?” This time, his hand came from under the table and he pulled out a silver knife. It had a dragon’s head as a handle and the shiny blade was lodged between the monster’s teeth.
Biting her lip, she pressed her back to the chair, wishing that she could just disappear. With a smile, he drew circles on the table, his eyes looking up at her with a smirk.
She felt like she was playing some sort of sick game but she asked another question anyway. “For what reason am I here for?” Her knuckles tightened around the arms of the chair. It hurt to use such formal words but perhaps being nice would get her out faster. The last thing she needed to do was provoke him.
Money, she thought. What other reason would anyone want to kidnap her for? Before he had the chance to answer she said, “If it’s money you want, my father has every dime. He’ll pay you whatever sum you need.” Her voice still shook in her throat.
This time, another voice answered her question. “Unfortunately, it’s not your money that we want,” she said.
Kris turned her head around to see Lavira walk in from the front door. She shook her red umbrella free of the raindrops while looking at her with a smile. Kris thought her smile looked most vulgar right then.
“You…” Kris said.
“Indeed, it was I that swept you off your feet.” She flipped her long dark hair and walked to the table. “I have a gift to tempt all sorts of people…and children. Oh, and…drug them,” she added with a shrug.
Kris’s heart felt like it had been stabbed. She even had thanked this woman before. If it were possible, she would have cut off her tongue for it.
“I’m sure you’re impressed with my work, Crosse,” she said, putting a hand on the back of his chair.
Crosse showed a pair of straight teeth. “You really did get her here in record time, Lavira. Impressive, I don’t think you really need an assistant.”
She scowled, stepping back and folding her arms. “You promised me some help. I know I’m the best but it’d be nice to have someone do the work I don’t want to do.”
Crosse turned back to Kris. “Don’t be spoiled,” he said to Lavira without looking at her.
Lavira rolled her eyes. “What is she anyway? I looked into her background and she’s as clean as whistle. I thought I went out to get ourselves another sinner but I can’t see anything really wrong with her . . . at all.” She looked at Kris and then back at Crosse. “What’s the deal?”
He leaned back in his chair, the smile still hovering on his rose-colored lips. “She’s not a sinner. She’s our dove.”
Lavira’s eyes widened. “Dove?” She thought for a moment and then her mouth dropped. “Her?” she asked, pointing to Kris.
Unfortunately, Kris had no idea what these people were talking about. What did she have to do with birds?
Before Crosse had the chance to answer, his phone vibrated in pocket. He reached in and pulled out an unlabeled touch-screen phone, putting it to his ear. “Hmm?”
Lavira rolled her eyes. “Wonderful choice of greeting.” She sat on the small table next to the couch, looking at her nails while Kris continued to silently struggle in her chair.
Crosse stood up and turned his back towards them. “Are you sure? Now?” he looked over his shoulder, giving Lavira a leer. “But you know how much I hate changing my plans. Alright, thank you for warning me.” He slipped the phone back into his pocket and faced Lavira. “You’re messy.”
“What?” She arched a brow.
“Did you properly hide our tracks? The pawns know where we are.”
“Impossible. I was extremely careful with my magic. There’s no way they could’ve traced us!”
Magic? Kris asked, were these people mentally stable or were they playing some kind of twisted game?
“Doesn’t matter.” Crosse rubbed the space between his eyes in thought.
A knock sounded on the front door, causing both of them to jump.
Nobody moved until another knock, which was louder, hit the door.
“Hide her,” Crosse said in a low voice. Lavira was frozen, her eyes shifted around room as if a thousand thoughts were bouncing around in her brain. “I said, hide her!” Cross hissed, his eyes keeping place on the door.
“Room service,” a male’s voice called.
“Just…room service?” Lavira let out a sigh of relief.
This was her chance. Sucking in a breath, before Lavira could touch her, she let out an ear bursting scream. Her lungs grew small as her stomach pressed in, forcing all the noise out of her body.
Cross’s eyes widened, his eyebrows drawing together in anger. “Shut her up!”
Lavira nodded. “Okay!” Her hand flew over Kris’s mouth in an attempt to silence her. Kris wasn’t going let this lady get her way again though. Like a shark, she bit the skin on Lavira’s palm, sending her shouting in pain.
“This little -- ” she snarled, holding her wounded hand.
Kris opened her mouth to release another savage cry. All she needed was the room service guy to question what was going on in this room.
Crosse pulled a handkerchief out of his front jacket pocket. He quickly leaned over and gagged her, the cloth biting the sides of her mouth. She tried to fuss but it was futile. She looked up, glaring at him as he tightened the knot on the back of her head.
Another knock echoed in the room, this time even louder than the last. “Is everything alright in there?” the voice called.
Lavira’s mouth twisted into annoyance then. She glanced at Crosse but he was beyond any room service assistance.
She pulled down the strap of her red dress and with one hand, ravished her hair. Throwing her shoes off, she headed towards the door. “I’ll send him off.”
Crosse walked around Kris’s chair and yanked the back down on the rear two heels of the chair. Her knees hit the table and a shock vibrated up her thighs, causing her to shut her eyes in pain.
From the back, she heard the door open. “You’re not room service,” Lavira said.
What? Kris asked, who was it? Was it one of their friends? Did she just cause uproar for nothing? Her heart sank into her chest alongside any hope of her getting out of this place.
Crosse, feeling no remorse for hurting her, dragged her to another door and set the chair in the middle of the dark room. She heard the door shut from behind and then there was only the beating of her own heart that was her companion.
Her eyes adjusted to darkness in the luxurious bedroom. There was a large bed off to the center and in front of the bed, next to her; there was a large table with a flat-screen TV. On her right side, there a closet door and one bathroom and other side of the bed there was a large window.
She froze.
A chilly breeze crawled up her spine and lifted every hair on her body. There was a woman inside the room. Her body was frail and she wore dirty clothes but had looked like she had taken a bath and never found something clean to change into. She was by the windowsill, in a chair with her hands and legs tied as well.

----------
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Wifey, guess who?

Tis me! Tis true!

Well, this was ---- way too easy.

I actually have nothing to say of Vanessa's personality. But how convenient that she carried a pin in her hair. That no one heard the door opening. That they heard the loud click of the lock. That the elevator actually cooperated.

It's a whole lotta luck there for one young lady. Of course, if your point was to make it extremely easy for them, then you've definitely madr that happen.

But.... Why would it be easy? Crosse needs them. And wouldn't go through all the trouble to let them escape.

Also, really? No thought process? No fear? She doesn't wonder what will happen if they're caught? She doesn't remember that Lavira said she was hiding them for their own good? Plymouth didn't notice movement out of the corner of his eye as the bedroom door opened?

Ah. Well. If it was meant to be easy, then I'd have to say it was very nicely written. I liked Vanessa's take-charge attitude and the fact that she had the guts to bite him.

If it wasn't meant to be, then I highly suggest rewriting this one. Feel free to PM me if you want to bounce back ideas.

Keep using that keyboard!

Wifey.




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hahaha, I hadn't understood that you just reposted the edited version of what I've already reviewed. Well, here I go again!

She was sitting on a chair with a rope tied to each of her wrists. “My god, what is this?” She whispered.
she

The hotel was all lit up but no one was there, the only sound came from the clock that hung above the TV
did you mean the hotel room was all lit up? Because it makes no sense that she'd no the whole hotel is empty.

It was late, 8:38pm which meant she was out for more than four hours.
Ok, I'm really no good at this, but this tense sounded wrong. I keep thinking it should be 'had been out' because it flows better. But maybe I'm wrong.

She looked back down and tugged, the rope burned under her skin.
Maybe I'm just being slow this morning but I couldn't get what you meant by under her skin. The rope was burning her skin, but under? Wasn't her skin under the rope? Am I making any sense? lol

Sucking in a breath, she forced herself to jump again with the heavy chair.
Ok I reread this and I don't see a mention of her ankles or feet being bound. Wouldn't she have tried to lift the weight of the chair on her and try to tip-toe to the phone?

He was attractive, that Kris had a difficult time taking her eyes off of him.
somethings off about this sentence. Maybe say that he was 'so attractive that she had difficulty....' ?

“Is that most important question right now?” He had a slight Irish accent when he spoke.
the most

This time, another voice answered her question. “Unfortunately, it’s not your money that we want,” she said.
The word I struck out, I thought it removed from the flow of the sentence. It's your choice to keep it, though :D

“Indeed, it was I that swept you off your feet.” She flipped her long dark hair and walked to the table.
who?

Kris’s heart felt like it had been stabbed. She even thanked his woman before.
this?

Lavira crossed her arms. “What is she anyway? I looked into her background and she’s as clean as whistle.
as a whistle.

He reached in and pulled out the blackberry, putting it to his ear. “Hmm?”
Maybe it would be nice to point out that his blackberry was at odds with the way he dressed. Just a thought :D

Well Wifey, I'm done! A more thorough review than last time, eh?

I must say I'm glad you edited. I'm really enjoying this part, the detailing and the description. We don't have much of Kris' thoughts here, per se, so I'm not sure whether her personality has changed also, or simply her name. But so far, so good.

I'm also glad to see that the window has been opened, just make sure to have a good explanation for that because Crosse would have thought of that possibility.

Keep using that keyboard!

Wifey.




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Hey Pink! Shrubs here to review. :)

Looking around the room, she made out the place she was being held in
.

She just wanted to go home, why was she in this situation?
I just don't like this sentence. I get she's worried is confused as to why has she been cooped up here, but the way this sentence has been said seems like coming from a small girl's mouth.

“Well, well, isn’t this just grand?" a rough voice said.



“For what reason am I here for?”
Double 'for'.


Money,(italicize) she thought.



She had even thanked this woman before



He reached in and pulled out the Blackberry, putting it to his ear. “Hmm?”




This is getting interesting. I actually don't have much to say and this review would mostly be of the line-by-line critiques since you have some slip-offs. They're not major, but just felt to spoon-feed you today. :3

Okay, you know when I read about Kris in the last chapter, I wanted to know badly how could she be involved in this game? I mean, she looked clean as priest and I had no idea how she could deserve to be a sinner. So I was really excited to know the truth behind Kris being here. But you really had a surprise for us. She's not what we thought she was.

I won't say I loved this chapter a lot, but it was still good. It ain't my favourite, but it's actually very important for the story. I never found any chapter more interesting than the prologue, but that's maybe my biased view. I love the writing style you had in the prologue, so maybe that's why it's been my favourite. :D

You've left us at a good cliffhanger and I am intrigued to read what's going to happen next, that is if you post it before I go on holidays. lol.

Anyways, I am so sorry by the futility of this review, but I seriously didn't fund much to pinpoint on. So, keep writing.

~Shrubs
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

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Me again. :P

This review's going to be even more suckish than the last one... xD The chapter itself is pretty short, so I can't guarantee that I'll be able to say much of use. Ah, well, I'll give it a shot, eh?

Okay, so this is getting interesting now. I really like the whole idea of the dove thing, even if I don't know much about it yet. I think it has some very interesting potential. So far, this novel seems pretty original too, so that's always a good sign. I'm not normally a huge fan of these kind of novels, but I must admit that I am enjoying reading this. It's all very intriguing and entertaining, so a huge thumbs up for that, Punk.

Now, I'm not sure if this is just me being paranoid and overthinking things, but I found it kind of odd that throughout this part,

A knock sounded on the front door, causing both of them to jump.

“Hide her,” Crosse said. Lavira was frozen, her eyes shifted around room as if a thousand thoughts were bouncing around in her brain. “I said, hide her!” Cross hissed.

Lavira nodded. “Okay.” She quickly untied the ropes on Kris’s wrists and grabbed her arm, lifting her up. “Come with me.” She pulled her across the living room and opened the bedroom door. “Be quiet and stay put or else,” she threatened, shoving her inside and closing the door.


Kris didn't scream for help. She yells at Lavira once she was inside the bedroom, but if she heard a knock on the doo,r surely, she'd have shouted something? I mean, if I was tied to a chair after being kidnapped by a pair of strangers, then I heard someone knocking on the door I was trapped, I'd scream my head off. You didn't mention Crosse or Lavira having any weapons or anything, so it's not as if Kris would have been scared to scream because Crosse may have shot her or something. Maybe I am just overthinking things, but yeah, I did find that kind of weird.

The only other thing I can come up with is something Tanya said in her first review, and kind of said in her second one. I'd like some more of Kris's thought process. You do obviously have some of her thoughts and such, but I think you could have maybe had some more. This might be me being biased because I prefer first person narratives, so I'm also a fan of lots of thoughts, but considering Tanya did mention it, I think it is something you could add more of. This didn't really bother me all too much, so it's definitely not a huge problem though. It's just in some parts here, it would have been nice to see into Kris's head some more.

As always though, Punk, awesome job! I'm looking forward to chapter 2.2. :P Sorry this review has been short and pretty pointless... but hey, I did warn you beforehand! x3

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
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Looking around the room, she made out the place she was being held...

I think we need a new paragraph here.

The leg of the chair hit her heels. With wide eyes she let out a yelp, hitting the floor with a loud thud. Her cheek smashed against the cool floor and laying there with her pathetic attempt at an escape made tears crawl out her eyes. She just wanted to go home, why was she in this situation?

Oh, I love this paragraph so much!

“Is that most important question right now?”

Don't forget the "the" before "most". ;)

There was woman inside the room.

Don't forget the "a" before "woman".

***********************
Here is my first impression about this piece: :D :D ^^ Woooow!!!

Now, that wasn't quite professional, was it? Lol!
You rewrote it and I loved it a lot! Last time I read about Kris, I liked her a lot. Now, I also like Crosse a lot. Do you know how hard it is to make lovable characters from the very first or second chapter? Of course you know and I think it's amazing.

Here, Crosse actually speaks to Kris, not about Kris with Lavira. That made me see him a lot more closer and be able to picture his personality a little better. I have to say, the description you threw there was beautiful. I was smiling like an idiot while I pictured his face, so I think you did an amazing job there.
Do I like alpha males? -.- Maybe I do, but this one sounds a little more special than the others.

I have one remark, though. Even though I liked the challenge he made when she asked the wrong questions, I wasn't a huge fan of her reactions. Hmm... I mean, I think it would be more normal for her to bite off a rude comment and tell him that she isn't in a situation to think her questions through. A girl would be horrified then, right? She wouldn't care how perfect her words should be. But I still liked it a lot, so I'll still love it if you kept that part as it is.

Come on, keep posting things. I can't wait to read more.
P.S. I do know I wasn't helpful. I only acted like a superficial fan girl. I know! :D
I'm back to my YWS after months of disappearance, hoping that I'd gain the immunity of books and quills against the harmful realism of our world.

In case this made no sense, I'm just saying that I'm happy I'm back!




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Chapter 2 is up :3
I didn't read the version before (didn't even know it had been edited 'til tanya said so), so basing myself on this one only :)

PinkShearwater wrote:She pressed her ear to the door, heard the scrambling on the other side and listened as someone entered the hotel room. She turned back and searched the walls for a light switch. When she found one, she switched it on.


PinkShearwater wrote:There was a woman inside the room. Her body was frail and she wore dirty clothes but had looked like she had taken a bath butand never found something clean to change into.


Well that's the only nit-picks I could find (that hadn't been mentioned already).

Skins wrote:Kris didn't scream for help. She yells at Lavira once she was inside the bedroom, but if she heard a knock on the doo,r surely, she'd have shouted something? I mean, if I was tied to a chair after being kidnapped by a pair of strangers, then I heard someone knocking on the door I was trapped, I'd scream my head off. You didn't mention Crosse or Lavira having any weapons or anything, so it's not as if Kris would have been scared to scream because Crosse may have shot her or something.

I also found this odd; in her position, I would've screamed or something... So I second what Skinsy said about there being weapons :)

Shrubbery wrote:Okay, you know when I read about Kris in the last chapter, I wanted to know badly how could she be involved in this game? I mean, she looked clean as priest and I had no idea how she could deserve to be a sinner. So I was really excited to know the truth behind Kris being here. But you really had a surprise for us. She's not what we thought she was.

Were my thougths too; I was totally wondering what her sin could be! (Tanya and I were actually talking about it the other day in the car, trying to figure out what it could be). So now you've explained that she's the dove... but I gotta say, I don't know if I'm the only one, but what's a dove?? I have no clue as to what that has to do with sins, so I'm really in a 'huh?!' mode right now!!

And that's all I have to say. It was a good chapter, albeit small, but good. I'm looking forward to seeing what's going to happen to the characters in the next chapters :D
Keep 'em coming!
Sis-in-law ;)
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Hi :D again :D

I have the time so I figured I may as well catch up and get myself up to speed!

“What is this?” she croaked, looking at her tied hands. She was sitting on a chair with a rope tied to each of her wrists and ankles.

This, to me, seems a little confused. It's like there's a little dissociation between the rope and the chair, and it took me a few reads to work out what you meant, in the ended I landed on her having each wrist tied to an arm of the chair, and each ankle tied to a leg, is that right? I think it could possibly do with a little clarification.

It was a hotel room with a large front window and velvet curtains.

Yeah, okay, I squealed knowing where we were ;)

She took in deep breaths. But no one came out. She looked back down and struggled again with the ropes. She noticed the telephone that sat on the stand next to the couch. With a jump, the chair scratched against the wood taking her closer.

She figured she might take this time to call for help. What kind of kidnappers would even leave her alone with a telephone nearby, anyway? Sucking in a breath, she forced herself to jump again.

In this section, I think that more sentences begin with 'she' than don't. It's the sort of thing that starts to sound pretty repetitive after a while, so I think it's something to just watch out for.

He was tall, not thin but had a slender appearance and wore a suit that looked like it belonged to someone from the 19th century. He seemed older than her, in his early twenties perhaps. Raven-like hair sat on his head in lazy curls and a pair of moonlight eyes bore down on her. He was attractive, that Kris had a difficult time taking her eyes off of him. Even with the fact that he had kidnapped her, her eyes drew towards him like a moth to a flame.

This is kinda what I was on about before, in an instant the previous image I had of Crosse within my mind is gone and while it's now difficult to recall having been replaced, the Crosse I had in my mind didn't really match the Crosse here at all. Also, if you want to describe someone in that much detail be careful when you're calling them attractive. Everyone has different tastes, and if you were to simple describe Crosse as an attractive young man, they fill in all the details with the things that they would personally find most attractive, and it makes things seem a bit more real, in that sense. Personally, lazy curls do nothing for me at all (I'm like an old woman saying 'get a hair-cut'!).

He had a slight Irish accent when he spoke.

This seems quite out of the blue? It wasn't mentioned in the prologue so he'd just sounded plain as day to me. I think it's another of those things where, unless his Irish heritage is going to be relevant to the plot at some point, it might be worth leaving out.

She tilted her head and then looked down at her constraints.

She does like tilting, eh ;D that's the second time in this chapter, too!

Crosse pulled a handkerchief out of his front jacket pocket. He quickly leaned over and gagged her, the cloth biting the sides of her mouth.

I don't know? Gagging in that way seems to me like it would take more than a little time. Also, you're basically forcing a person's mouth to remain open, and while Kris wouldn't be able to speak words, she would be able to scream.

The last paragraph of this is indeed quite exciting and makes me go all "OOOOOOO" and want to know what happens next. But (aaand you knew there'd be one) it doesn't match with the darkness of the room as far as I can see. I can understand her being able to see the TV, but it seems like some of the details about what's in the room (which again I'm not sure if we even need) but for her to be able to see that much detail about the other woman in the room, I feel hard to really believe.

Another thing that sticks out is the conversation between Crosse and Lavira, it almost seems kinda comical in a way? Lavira's expressions seem to be exaggerated a tad, and it all kinda reminds me of some bond villain that details every part of his plan in some monologue because he thinks that he's come up top. Like for a moment they just completely forget that Kris is even there.

In any case, this was actually pretty exciting, and has left me with a lot of questions about everything -- in a good way! The kind of questions that suck you in and leave you wanting to read more to find out the answers :D

I'm going to fish out the banana I've got baking in the oven, and then do just that!


-Tinny
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