For Dusky

For Dusky
inspired by and dedicated to my amazing sister

Struggling through quicksand,
failing to stem the tears you’ve cried,
trying to take off
when gravity feels like it’s multiplied.
Seems like the wind blows hardest
when you seek to sail against it.
But trials are heaping value on the prize.

Stars gleaming above
bid you seek what there is to find.
Endure. Stay the course.
Leave popular mediocrity behind.
Cherish the battles and scars.
Triumph in difficulties overcome.
Never settle—Ad Astra Per Aspera


(for those who don't know, since Latin is a dead language after all, "ad astra per aspera" means "to the stars through difficulty")

By all means, CRITIQUE!

I should probably sleeping, but sleep is overrated. I love this, and it shows a depth of caring for your sister.

There are a few hiccups on the flow, though.

line 3. this line break seems off, perhaps: trying to take off when gravity

line 4. needs another word: feels like it's only multiplied, I am not sure 'only' works in this context but its all I can think of at the moment.

line 6. it is superfluous

stanza II, line 3. needs padding: Stay the course, and

stanza II, line 5. a 'the' before 'scars': ...battles and the scars;

I love the last line, YAY latin!

I hope this helps. Ciao, CL.

I love this..it simply shows your love and care for your sister.
The last line is awesome, I think Latin is great..
Good work

-*Shimmer

Hi *singsoffkey*

This is really good.

A lot of people base poems and stories after family member. It can easily be corny and clichéd. This however is really good.

Firstly, it's beautifully written. Your flow and rhythm is really smooth. Some of the lines like

"Stars gleaming above
bid you seek what there is to find."

Are just perfectly written.

I really like your use of a bit of Latin, it gives it a bit of a quirk.


The one thing I don't like about it is

"Endure. Stay the course."

It just feels out of place with the rest of the poem.

Beside that really good job.