Meant to Be (part 2 of 3)

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Here is the next section of my short story, Meant to Be. I have to hand it in on Friday, so all reviews are greatly appreciated. If you haven't read part one yet, you can read it here: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?t=79379

Part 2:
For many hours, Pierce managed to keep his mind clear, focusing only on getting as far away from his Uncle’s farm as possible. His feet burned and he felt like he could not carry on any longer, though Pierce refused to stop walking. He knew that the longer he could avoid thinking about the day, the better. But eventually, the poisonous thoughts of loneliness crept in.

It started as a dull throb in his chest. Pierce’s mind whispered to him, telling him lies. You’re not worth it, Pierce. That’s why they made you leave… you were never the child they wanted. They only took you in because they had no choice. Pierce knew it wasn’t true, but part of him felt that it was.

It was after midnight when Pierce collapsed under a tree, his thoughts finally crowding out all else. He cried out in anger, turning his face to the moonlit sky. Pierce pounded the ground with his fists, wailing like a four-year-old having a temper tantrum. He felt like a four-year-old, though; like a child who has had their security blanket taken away for the first time. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he fell into a restless sleep.

* * *

Pierce opened his eyes, squinting against the morning sunlight. His entire body ached, though it was not entirely surprising, considering he had slept on the ground.

He pulled a bag of pretzels and a water bottle out of his pack. It wasn’t much, but Pierce wanted to make the food last as long as he could.

When he had eaten his small breakfast, Pierce stood up and continued walking. The sound of cars on the highway was audible through the thin layer of trees that separated him from the rest of civilization, so Pierce followed the sound, hoping to find a town or someone who could help him.

It was not long before he found a small town. Pierce stopped outside a park and sat down on the bench. He didn’t know what he was waiting for, but he was weary from the previous day’s travel. A few minutes of rest couldn’t hurt anything, anyway.

Pierce had not been sitting there long when a man and woman stopped by the bench. They looked to be in their mid-sixties, and they were holding hands. It was a sweet picture.

“Young man, are you alright?” The man said, letting go of the woman beside him.

“Uh…” Pierce replied, unsure what to say. He tried to sit up straight, but he could tell that his appearance was rather pathetic.

“Have you had anything for breakfast?” The man asked Pierce.

“Sort of,” Pierce mumbled.

“Well, come with us. We’ll get you something to eat. You look like you could use it.” The man clapped Pierce on the shoulder and steered him away from the bench. “I’m Gerald, by the way, and this is my wife Natalie.”

“I’m Pierce.” He was too stunned to say anything more than that, so he followed Gerald and Natalie. Part of his mind told him to be careful, but another believed that these people truly had good intentions.

Gerald helped Pierce into the back seat of their old pickup. It was all he could do not to fall asleep on the ride. Now that he thought about it, Pierce did not know where they were going. Fortunately, he did not have to wait very long to find out.

They pulled onto a dirt road at the edge of town, and soon they arrived at a small white house tucked among the trees. Gerald and Natalie got out of the truck and walked towards it. When Pierce did not move, they motioned for him to follow.

What kind of impression am I making on these people? Pierce wondered. For goodness sake, they found me on a park bench, half-asleep. They seem so kind, and I've just spent the last twenty-four hours running away from my old life. I must be a right mess by now.

“Pierce, the bathroom is just down the hall. If you want to go wash up, breakfast will only be a few minutes.” Natalie smiled at him, pointing to the half-open door.

Pierce thanked her and went in, eager to get himself cleaned up a bit. The relief of being able to wash his hands and face was overwhelming. He felt grubby after a full day without the luxury of home.

As he finished washing his face, the smell of breakfast wafted down the hall, calling him to the kitchen.
Last edited by Alz on Fri May 06, 2011 1:43 am, edited 3 times in total.
The beautiful part of writing is that you don't have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon. - Robert Cormier

Check out my blog at http://missalliesadventures.blogspot.com




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Hello!

I read the first part which had some good reviews, so I decided to review this part straight away. It was a nice read; well written and interesting. It left me with some questions: who is this couple? Are they acting simply on good intentions? Maybe I'll find out in part three ;) Just a few comments:

the poison thoughts of loneliness crept in.


This should be 'the poisonous'.

You’re not worth it, Pierce. That’s why they made you leave… you were never the child they wanted. They only took you in because they had no choice.


Maybe his thoughts would be better in italics, to help distinguish them from the rest of the text.

They seem so kind, and I’ve just spent the last 24 hours running away from my old life.


Remember to spell out numbers :] Also, like before, maybe this part would be better in italics.

Okay, so that's all for the nitpicks. Overall hardly any mistakes, so that's good :D

I have a few suggestions: firstly, I noticed that you hardly described his surroundings. I don't know if it's summer or winter, cloudy or sunny... He spent the night outside, so the weather seems quite an important factor. Also, I feel you could have described the small town more, and his emotions towards it. At the moment it's sort of bland: I can't really picture it. How does Pierce react on seeing it? So a bit more description in general would be good, it would help the reader feel more for Pierce. Just one more thing: I don't really know that much about Pierce. I know he's upset about being kicked out - understandably so - but apart from that he seems a little... distant, somehow. Maybe by adding more about how he reacts to his surroundings, I'd understand his personality more.

Apart from that, this is good! I liked how you introduced this mystery couple, it definitly makes me want to read on.

Keep writing, and hope I helped!

~Lilicia
“Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale.”

~Hans Christan Andersen




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Hey again!

I'm back to review this part for you. I read it yesterday but didn't have time to review, and it seems that Lilicia has beat me to it on mentioning all of the things that I was going to.

I think that you should listen to the points that Lilicia has mentioned, especially the point she made about putting Pierce's thoughts into italics. It'll make it easier for the reader to know which are his thoughts and which aren't.

Also, I'd like to know more about Pierce's thoughts and feelings. I want to know how he feels about being kicked out. Now that he's out on the streets, has he begun to resent his aunt and uncle? Does he feel alone? I know I would. Try and put yourself in his shoes and then you'll be able to take how you'd feel and translate it into how Pierce is feeling. I also feel that I don't know much about Pierce. We don't know much about him at all and as a consequence, I'm finding it hard to care for him. Maybe you could add in some memories of him living with his aunt and uncle. You could show them to the reader throught his thoughts or something.

I'm still interested in reading on. I want to know what the old couple are up to. If their intentions are good or not. I hope for Pierce's sake that they are.

I hope this helps!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




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Thank you so much for the feedback! Apparently my italics got lost in translation between the original document and the thread (I put them back in when you reminded me!). I totally agree with you about the lack of description... it's been driving me crazy. Because of the way I have to submit this story for school, I can hardly include anything. I posted this before the deadline to get the technical stuff worked out, but my plan is to add more once I've handed in this part of the assignment.
Thanks again for the help!
Alz
The beautiful part of writing is that you don't have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon. - Robert Cormier

Check out my blog at http://missalliesadventures.blogspot.com



I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do.
— Leonardo da Vinci