Teenage Emergency

You mess with their head,
Make them think you’re in bed.
Instead, you’re out chugging beer,
Singing drunken cheers,
You fight until somebody’s dead.

Your wrists are all scarred,
Your lungs are all tarred,
And your pillows are patterned with tears.
The drugs fuel your dark fears,
They put you in a cell that’s all barred.

Getting high and feeling low,
Cutting deep and breathing shallow,
Painting your room red,
With all the hatred you bled,
Pretending that they don’t all know.

It’s another teen pregnancy.
It’s an alcohol-fuelled emergency.
The boys’ll all deny,
The girls’ll all cry,
'Cause they’d thought that guy was 'the one'
When that asshole just wanted some fun.

Put that wine in a glass,
Cheers to skipping class,
And telling your teacher you’re sick.
Isn’t failing school just a kick?
You both know there’s no way that you’ll pass.

There are worried calls,
Whispers in the halls.
She asks if you are on drugs,
But you give her some big, warm hugs,
You say that you’re tired, that’s all.

There is no excuse
For being a friend of the noose,
Or the switchblade they found in the drawer.
Then they’ll find you on the bathroom floor.
You knew there was just no use.

That was really, really well written. Kudos to you for that. I can't think of one bad thing to say about it, and I'm not good at reviewing things that I can't say anything bad about, so.... Yeah.

If it were possible to 'Like' this poem a million and six times, I'd sit here clicking that button ALL DAY! This is an absolutely inspired and amazing poem! I love love love the narrative, tone, words, the everything! Alright, I've ranted enough, now time for some detail...

Your wrists are all scarred
And your lungs are all tarred
And your pillows are patterned with tears

The words here are fantastic. It's great and vivid imagery that's very easy to picture, and the narrative that's very accusative makes it even more powerful. This is one of my favorite stanzas in this poem.

Getting high and feeling low
Cutting deep and breathing shallow
Painting your room red
With all the hatred you bled
And pretending that they don’t all know

This is another great verse with all the stuff above. The first two lines are great, lining up two opposites right next to each other. And the last line is particularly powerful, cause it really cements the message of exposure. All teenagers think they're so mysterious and nobody really knows them, but in fact many teenagers have the innate sense to know what each other are doing all the time. It's creepy!

Put that wine in a glass
Cheers to skipping class
And telling your teacher you’re sick
Isn’t failing school just a kick?
'Cause you know there’s no way that you’ll pass

Just and all-round fantastic verse here! There's nothing I've mentioned that it doesn't have: great images, creative words, a great rhyme scheme and narrative, and pretty much everything!

There is no excuse
For being a friend of the noose
Or the switchblade they found in the drawer
And they’ll find you on the bathroom floor
Because you know there’s just no use

A better ending passage could not possibly exist! I think this might be one of my favorite poetic verses that I have ever read! It's got the whole suicide vibe to it, and at the same time it's placed at the end, which makes the idea of finality double strong! This is a really good placement here, and I think you wrote it well

The narrative really ties it all together too; I can feel the accusation and pity in the tone of the voice, speaking to all the teenagers. The one thing I would take another look at is the title. I think it works, but the word 'emergency' doesn't seem to fit with the voice of the speaker. Maybe something like 'Teenage Troubles' or 'Teenage Atrocities' or something that evokes the whole disaster part more, you know? Anyway, just something from me to think about, it's absolutely fine the way it is.

All and all, this is a really excellent poem, and I'm glad to have come across it! Glad o have been able to offer my insights, and if you ever want a review, or just a kind word, I'm only a quick PM away!
- SOCKS

wow, that was pretty dark. It was written very well, though. I can also see this poem as song lyrics, too. Your words have a nice ring to them.
They say one should write about what he/she knows. My first instinct is that you must be in high school. There's a lot of negative stuff going on...good thing there are plenty of cheerful poems on this website, too.
it was very nicely written. Keep at it!

Wow.

So I'm new, obviously, and this is my first attempt at a review. I've been skimming through the forums but I just had to stop to take a look at this.

Just a few minor wordings I'd change:

Getting high and feeling low
Cutting deep and breathing shallow
Painting your room red
With all the hatred you bled
And pretending that they don’t all know

Removing "and" and the "ing" just seemed to make it flow better to me, but like I said, it's minor. The repeting of the "ing" sound didn't jive to well with me when I read it aloud.

It’s another teen pregnancy
It’s an alcohol-fueled emergency
The boys’ll all deny
And the girls’ll all cry
'Cause they’d thought that guy was 'the one'
When that asshole just wanted some fun

Firstly, I just don't know what to do with "alcohol-fueled". I can't get my tongue to not trip over it, because it's a little too wordy compared to the rest of the poem. I doubt anything I could come up with would help. And I took out "all" for the same reason as the previous stanza. When I read it aloud, it just flowed better without it.

There is no excuse
For being a friend of the noose
Or the switchblade they found in the drawer
And they’ll find you on the bathroom floor
Because you know there’s just no use

My favorite. I don't know if I'm just morbid because I get a kick out of reading these last lines, but they are just so perfect. Sad and gruesome and horribly true, but perfect.

OVERALL: A great poem. This was amazingly well-written, as some of the others have said. But what I like most is how you captured the dark side of teenage life, every parent's nightmare. And one moment while reading you just tingle with the numbness of the narrator, and the next you want to scream with them. It's very real, and I loved how the rhyme scheme and the blunt word choice helped showed that, in an ironic sing-song voice. Gah! I love it!

Wow. Very, very good poem. It's also very lyrical. Have you realised that? The rhyme and everything, I could almost hear it being sung out as I was reading it. Love the rhyming pattern you have going on there. You have captured the dark side of a teens life perfectly. All the drugs, alcohol and stuff. I also really like how you showed people what's happening instead of telling it out plainly in the second stanza. Yeah, I can't find anything you haven't executed perfectly. Keep writing. You're brilliant

Wow this is truly amazing! Keep up the great work! Happy writing!!

This is an awesome poem. I love the content and everything it meant but there is kinda no flow. You should use punctuations and then be careful with the words that you use because the rhythm is really off. Well, other than that, there's nothing else to say but, Happy writing!!

I would just like to thank-you for writing this very emotional and well written poem. I have no useful advice that could be of advantage to you, except for "keep writing!!"-DaRiEN

Hello there. First, I've got some nitpicks for you.

Comments:

Getting high and feeling low
Cutting deep and breathing shallow

- I specifically like these two lines.

And pretending that they don’t all know

- I'm slightly confused with the placement of 'all' here.

The boys’ll all deny
And the girls’ll all cry

- I like the rhyming here but this is grammatically wrong. I'm not sure how you can change this though.


I like how dramatic and realistic this poem is (except the bad word XD). I'm sure many people can relate to this. And I sure hope your readers will get a/the moral lesson out of this. Anyway, this is really well written and I've got to applaud you for the pattern of this poem. a a b b a isn't really a pattern that I get to see all the time. Many are simply free verses, a a b b, or a b a b, not that I dislike them though. lol I think I've only used those three patterns so far. Also, I like the rhyming and how simple enough the words you used in this poem. I think simplicity makes it easier for the readers to relate and connect with a literary piece. The title though isn't really catchy and is a little bit cliché. I'm sure you can come up with a better title for this. To be honest, I wasn't excited when I saw the title. I thought this was just another dramatic teenage poem. Good thing the poem itself is great.

Overall, you did an awesome job! Never stop writing!

This is really good I love the emotion in it. Keep writing for the good of the world!!!!

This was overall well written. You need a quick lesson on punctuation, though. It's important that you have punctuation! I suggest:

You mess with their head comma,
Make them think you’re in bed period,
But Instead, you’re out chugging beer comma,
And Ssinging drunken cheers
And you fight Fighting until somebody’s dead period.

Your wrists are all scarred comma,
And yYour lungs are all tarred comma,
And your pillows are patterned with tears period.
The drugs fuel your dark fears comma,
And They put you in a cell that’s all barred period.

Getting high and feeling low comma,
Cutting deep and breathing shallow period. (I really like this line and the one above ^^
Painting your room red comma,
With all the hatred you bled comma,
And pPretending that they don’t all know period.

It’s another teen pregnancy period.
It’s an alcohol-fueled emergency peirod.
The boys’ll all deny comma,
And tThe girls’ll all cry period.
'Cause they’d thought that guy was 'the one'
When that asshole just wanted some fun period.

Put that wine in a glass comma,
Cheers to skipping class comma,
And telling your teacher you’re sick period.
Isn’t failing school just a kick?
'Cause you know there’s no way that you’ll pass period.

There are worried calls comma,
And wWhispers in the halls period.
And sShe asks if you are on drugs comma,
But you give her some big, warm hugs comma,
You say that you’re tired, that’s all period.

There is no excuse
For being a friend of the noose
Or the switchblade they found in the drawer
And they’ll find you on the bathroom floor
Because you know there’s just no use

Overall pretty good. I suggest not using the word and at the start of a line. It's like saying: I like cats and dogs and lizards and parrots and turtles and fish. Not grammatically correct, eh? Spelling is good, though. The same goes for the word because. See what I mean?

* Correction * Once and a while is okay to start a line with and, but I'm talking once every few stanzas. Sometimes and is the only word that fits nicely.

I read this all, front to back and side to side. you can smack a teenager hard with this and being one myself really makes me look this over and think "how does this affect me?" and it affects many with this espcally the ones who need to get their act together. OVERALL awesome poem I love it 5 stars.

I really like this! I think a lot of people can relate, and it's really emotional. ^_^

Spook wrote:Getting high and feeling low,
Cutting deep and breathing shallow,

These two lines were my favorite in the poem.

Spook wrote:It’s another teen pregnancy.
It’s an alcohol-fuelled emergency.

Another nice line.

Spook wrote:Put that wine in a glass,
Cheers to skipping class,

Again, I liked these lines, although I might have said the first line a bit differently, I still like this line.

Really liked this, one of my favorite poems. Nice job!

~Tear

Hi.. I believe you are new here so, welcome to YWS!! If it is your first post her then I gotta say a thing- That was a bang and awesome entry!! Seriously it was so nice that I just loved it like, at once!! Brilliant!! Really i mean you were very clear in stating what you meant. Also the flow was smooth and constant so that's one of things you can compliment yourself on.. Good work!! Keep writing like this ( i feel wierd writing this since you're older than me, But its true)
Harshita:)