The path of the daffodils

Hi everyone! I really would like a few reviews on this. Thanks!


The path of the daffodils
Runs hushed;
Take me there, my lover

We’ll dance beside
The swaying marigolds
Whispering in the breeze

You and I
Can slip beneath
The blanket of scarlet poppy;
We will be concealed
From all
But eyes of immortals

Violets will cushion our feet;
They will curl as anklets
As we steal kisses
Beneath the blossom trees

The path of the daffodils
Runs hushed;
Let’s go, my lover.

Hi there! So; I'll be honest, I wasn't crazy about this poem.

The very first stanza was okay. I like the mental image of a daffodil path. However, you punctuation is awkward. You use plenty of commas ans semicolons, but no periods at the ends of stanzas. It makes it look kind of funny. My theory is to go all or nothing.

After the first stanza, I really didn't get anything out of this other than a very flowery love poem. I mean, it's cute. I'll give you that. But the language is simple, the imagery only mediocre, and there's no real emotion other than cutesy bubble-love. I would try reworking it. Remember to show, don't tell. You sort of use imagery; but it's very obvious and not very creative. Rather than constantly referring to flowers, why not refer to them by their colour or smell, and make us realise it's about flowers? You see what I mean?

Also; your stanzas are choppy. Some have 3 lines, some have , some have more. Try to keep them the same so it reads better. Also, I don't like your last line. It's repetitive and very informal-sounding.

This shows potential. Keep writing! You'll improve with work.

-Tori

I do like this poem quite a bit! Daffodils are a very pretty flower, and a good subject for this poem. Now, contrary to the review above mine, I think the imagery is very well used. I would only advise using more, and with a greater variety. This poem could be a bit longer, and I would certainly love it more if it were. I do like the many flowers (the whole poem is like a pretty bouquet!), but it'd be nice if there were more things to enjoy besides the flowers. Also, the love in this narrative seems a bit childish. I think if it were more passionate, and maybe even a little seductive and alluring, it would be much more believable. There are plenty of plants you could use to express that!

Anyway, as of right now, I give this poem a 6/10. I think you could bring it all the way up to 10 if you really wanted! I like it now, but I bet you could make it better! You seem like a very creative and inspired writer, so use it all to your advantage! And if you ever need another review, or some advice, or just a kind word, I'm only a PM away!
- SOCKS