Violet Saga: Prologue Rewrite: Rough Draft 2 Complete

10 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1276
Reviews 378
Spoiler
This is a very ROUGH draft at the present time grammar and critique welcome so long as you give a way to help...I shall be revising and adding more to it...Warning: this may turn into a full chapter instead of a prologue due to possible length




Prologue: Rough Draft 2
The latest game had finally ended. Anulekha reclined in her chair as the board began to fade. Soon a new challenge would come up but until then she waited for the proof of her achievements to vanish. The Queen and King stood in the center before vanishing into dust. In its place formed a new board.

She raised an eyebrow at it. This was rather intriguing new game. The board was styled so three opponenets could fight at the same time. The side facing her chair was violet and the other two were colored red and black. She had, of course, had to play several games at one time. This usually lead to bad things happening for the side they played but never did she have to beat two at the same side.

She smirked at the challenge. The outcome would be interesting to say the least. She raised her head to spot the hourglass looming over the board. Engraved in its glass was a red nine. She winced. Only nine hours until the plan she was working on would become reality. With a grim frown she picked up a piece of paper and wrote down: Violet pawn moves two spaces forward at one minute. With that down she picked up a pawn and moved. The hourglass began to slowly time down.

Two hours later the game had nearly been complete. With quivering fingers Anulekha traced the grooves of the old oak box. Her lips twisted downward as she frowned. Black elegant eyebrows drew together in concentration and grey eyes scanned the board for possible moves. Only a few pieces of the violet set remained. The rest had been shattered by the opposing forces. With a wary flourish of her hand, she moved the last violet pawn up a square squares.

Alexis advance towards the gates of the Himing Academy. Falling in behind her was an army small but fierce. They lost many allies but together they persisted in the fight in memory of their fallen. With a flick of her hand Alexis halted the army just a few feet in front of the gates. She stood at the edge of the forest just shy of the wall. Protected by the shadows of the gates she lay invisible to the people inside. Fierce violet eyes scanned the area around her. The small silhouette of her back tensed at the soft rustle behind her. Black and red feathered wings flexed out ready to attack. Gazing she saw the rustled movement in the bushes. One of her daggers slid out from the hiding spot in her cloak. It lodged itself into the tree. A small chuckle left her mouth as a hare fled from her in fright.

One of the soldiers broke free from his position in the army. He rushed over to the tree and yanked it free. He glanced up at her and smiled sheepishly. She turned to him and held her hand out, waiting.

He moved closer to her as she rebuked lightly, “You shouldn’t have broken out of position, soldier. I would’ve gotten it myself.”


He nodded as I took the dagger from his hand. He scurried off back to his position. The commander glanced at her and then the soldier. She shook her head subtly at him. That mistake did not warrant a consequence during such a important goal ahead.


The burning desire to feel the warmth of the sun on her face finally overtook her. Small hands removed her cloak’s hood to reveal a heart-shaped face. The twilight disclosed an orange hue over the land. It reflected the angles of her face set in a mask of determination. Alexis switched her attention back to the castle that occupied the space a few feet in front of her.

The towers loomed over them which casted shadows concealing the army and leader from view. The sun proceeded to peek up in the eastern horizon. Luckily not even it could reveal their position amongst the thick forest. Alexis’s eyes narrowed at the castle her face twisted into an expression of great disdain. The calming aura could not deter her from her mission nor did it fool her.

Anulekha paused in the chess game. Her hand froze in its poised position over a knight. A quick last minute decision she switched tactics and moved the violet Queen forward. She waited with baited breath for the consequence.

A scarred hand reached up to grasp the magic caste iron lock with elegant fingers. The scar had become memoir of her last battle. Gripped tightly in her hand, the lock became a twisted piece of metal as she yanked it away.

With a satisfied grin she spread her wings and took to the air. Staff raised high in the air she shouted vehemency, “For our freedom!”

Anulekha watched cautiously as the Black King moved. Yet it didn’t take any of the pieces and with a flourish she moved the knight forward. Only fifteen minutes remained before the time had passed a third of its length. She watched with slight grim satisfaction as the Knight took over a castle. A small smile tugged at the corners of her lips as the castle crumbled and burned in a bright flame.


Their passion now revived the army charged; roaring their approval to her wary cry. Watching as they attacked the castle she thanked the fates that the school laid dormant. The students now gone on holidays. Spotting an open window she took flight. Swooping inside her eyes flickered across the room. They surveyed her surroundings for possible dangers. The window was close to his office as she could reach. The wings settled on her back as she darted through the maze of hallways.

Anulekha paused as an opposing knight took out the last pawn. With a discouraged sigh she cleared away the burned, shattered pieces. She absently fingered the oak wood and frowned. She observed the board in silence.


Turning she skidded to a stop right outside his elm wood door. Black cloak secured the staff to her back. Fingers snaked themselves around the body of her staff. Sun streamed in through a window hidden by magic. Alexis turned towards it and gazed outside. The army was fighting off the treacherous professors. Their defiance never ending as the set the grass to flames. A glint of pride and ambition entered the violet eyes before she turned to the door.

Anulekha paused in game, her hand poised over the Queen. Soon the game would end. For better or for worst she did not know but each move now would decide if the vision was the one she needed. Mustering up the courage she moved the Queen up to take the castle.

Adrenaline pumping through her veins as she slammed the door open. The old man behind it jumped and turned. The room was filled with dusty old books and priceless family heirlooms. The flag of Lykra hung in front of the window. It had been altered to the man’s dark desire.

Glaring, she grinned viciously at his shocked face. The man’s eyes were a bottle green and spitting with flames of deadly ambition. Violet eyes turned cold as she told boldly, “It’s time we’ve ended this, Grandfather. I’ve already taken Allen.”

The old man smirked at her. Dark eyes held her gaze with serpentine deceit. “Oh, you would have much to learn, foolish girl. You should have realized I’m am no way simple minded as my partner.”

A flash of confusion crossed through Alexis as pain engulfed her. Slipping to darkness she would not know what had hit her. The man smirked with victory as he whispered, “Eternity shall be mine. You lead it right to me, reckless girl.”

He smirked down at the child now impaled by a sword of steel. Sneering he shoved her aside and moved towards the door. His plan now allowed to move forward.


Letting out a soft sigh she watched with a sinking stomach as violet Queen was taken over by one of the opposing pieces. The board burst into flames. The Black King destroyed the remainders of the violet pieces assembled across the board. Its assembled troops gathered in a circle around the burning Queen in victory. A growl of frustration emerged from Anulekha’s lips, “There has to be a way to beat them! I can’t allow them to slip back into the abyss!!”

“My lord. The army is prepared to conquer.” A man whispered, bowing low to the Lord in front of him. Green eyes gazed at the man whose hands fiddled anxiously. A smirk appeared on the old man’s face as he got up from the black throne behind him.

“Then let the humans become ours. It is time the creatures won our rights!” The man roared. His eyes flashing with triumph as the soldier fled to spread his words.

Anulekha twisted her wrist and watched as the flames died away. The board reset itself and she watched as the hour hit three. Only six remained for her to plot her plan. With a whispered mantra of luck she moved the knight forward.

Linda smiled down at her daughter. The child was falling asleep on the floor beside the blocks she had been using to teach her to count. Allowing a soft smile to grace her face she knelt down to pick her up. The child blinked at her with bleary eyes.

A man came into the room from the kitchen with a newspaper in hand. The brown eyes watched the mother and child as a chuckle escaped the man. He snuck up behind Linda. With a grin he whispered in her ear, “So is it time for her to sleep?”

Linda jerked her body around and glared. Soon though the glare relaxed into a warm gaze. “Yes it is. She’s had a rough day...playing with those blocks.” The mother spoke jokingly.

Robert laughed his eyes twinkling in amusement. The two stood there for a few minutes just gazing down at the child wrapped in their arms. With sighs of regret the parents walked into the hallways towards their daughter’s room.

Almost three hours had passed now. The black side now lay abandoned. A struggle lay obvious on the board between the last two sides. Eyes watched with crushed hope as the Queen was taken over by the Red King. Tears filled her eyes as the vision of what this path would lead entered her mind. Sliding to the floor Anulekha witnessed the wrong path once more. Only this time things turned out different.

A dark silhouette of a human crept through the house of Angemon. Fingers curled inside his jacket. He smirked as he came across the two parents tucking in a small child. Eyes gleaming with cold hate he withdrew the metal staff.

The parents turned at the sense of danger. In their hands held similar staffs. Alas it was too late. The two fell to the ground in front of the terrified girl. Screams erupted from her throat. Scrambling away from the man she huddled under the covers. Violet eyes peeked out from beneath the small blanket. The man smiled with sick delight as he leveled the staff to the child. A flash of red ended a life of a five year old before she could truly live it.

Anulekha tossed the chess board away in rage. Grey eyes burning with irritation she muttered over and over, “There has to be a way to win.”

Black eyes surveyed the map in front of them. A pale hand reached out to grasp a wine glass. Inside the elegant goblet swirled a red liquid. As the hands lifted it to the dry lips of the owner there came a reverberate knock on the door.

“Enter.” Came the sharp command as the eyes turned red at the taste of metal shocked the man’s taste-buds.

A man came striding giving off an air of confidence and darkness. The man knelt in front of the red throne biding his time for the other to respond. Underneath the calm facade lay a tensed worried mind. The man flinched when finally the man stood.

“Did you really expect me to let you live on as you are? A threat to my plans?” The man lectured coldly. The left hand cupped the man’s chin forcing him to look at him.

Silas flinched at the touch before snarling, “Then kill me! You have already killed everyone I care about.” The anguish showed in his eyes as he gazed sorrowfully down at the floor.

The man simply smirked whispering into the other’s ear, “Oh no. That would be too nice. I would much rather do this.”

Without another word the man tilted the younger man’s head and bit down. Silas twisted in the crushing grip as he felt the vampire’s venom seep into his body. Dropping him into a crumbled heap the man let go. Stepping back and into his chair he whispered, “Now we shall take the world into our dark grip.”

Fingers delicately fiddled with her sleeve as she paced. Back and forth she went. Twirling a thick lock of her brown hair around her finger she muttered angrily to herself. Almost the last of the remaining time had past. She only had five minutes to place the first move to her victory.

“I got it!” She exclaimed after what seemed like hours.

Kneeling as she picked up the chess board once more she began to formulate the plan in her mind. The steps began to fall into place. The path to victory. The game was settled as she confidently moved a pawn forward a square. The hourglass now lay empty. The nine hours have passed. The game now was no longer just a game. With forced hope Anulekha allowed the consequences to be shoved away in hopes she would be able to stop the destruction. The cries of an infant rang through out the pocket of space. They brought hope and fear into her heart. She knew this was no longer about the easy choices.

Linda smiled down at the newborn girl in her arms. Violet eyes glistened with tears as she whispered, “Your name shall be Alexis Angemon. The defender of the Angemons.”

Robert leaned over and kissed his infant daughter on the forehead whispering, “She will turn out just like you, honey.”

Linda smiled at her husband and said jokingly, “She might just wind up as your daughter for all we know, Robert.”

The two parents bartered playful insults back and forth. Pride evident in their eyes as a knock sounded through the room. Turning to open it, Robert called out, “Who is it?”

“Rosa and Silas.” Two voices rang in unison. The parents grinned at each other and allowed their friends to enter the room on this joyous occasion.
Last edited by Soulkana on Tue May 24, 2011 5:31 pm, edited 6 times in total.
May the gentle moon take you into peaceful dreams. May the mighty sun brighten your new days.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2367
Reviews 98
I love it sis! Except maybe a different pix XD i know i havent been helping lately but i promise to help you more. Great job as alwahs!! Keep writing!! Love you!!![list=][/list]
~Life has a song for every moment in life. It is just the matter of finding the right one.~




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 12193
Reviews 275
Hey Soulkana, thanks for giving one of your Bamboozle teammates something to review. XD O.K. this isn't too long to be a prologue. In fact I have read page long prologues. What makes a prologue a prologue is the content. This piece could go either way in my opinion. A prologue is usually a scene that makes the reader want to read more and this is it, but if you add some more this could easily become a chapter because it is an action scene.

My biggest problem with this isn't the grammar at all. I am not super good with grammar, but I didn't notice too many mistakes. My biggest concern is the way you write. Don't take that the wrong way! I am talking about your sentence structure. The first thing I noticed was that you beginning almost all your sentences with 'she' or 'her'. This is bad because you never want someone to notice how much you start your sentences with the same thing. Reading the same thing over and over also starts to get boring and monotonous. Everything starts to drag.

The second thing I noticed is that all your sentences are about the same length. Yeah there are the few that are different, but it isn't enough. Sentences like this start to get boring. Just listen:

This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It's like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety.

You don't want what is above. It takes practice to to learn to write with varied sentence length and structure but it is worth it. Doing this will also help you to develop your style. So, write a piece of work and look through it. Pick out clusters of sentences that have the same structure or length. Change them up. Don't be afraid to write incomplete sentences, to write long windy sentences, or to try a structure you haven't seen around much. You will learn what works best and how much is needed pretty quickly.

The last subject I would like to touch on is also about the way you speak. Right now I feel like you are telling me everything. When you tell it usually takes up less words. It is less work. But you are making up readers minds for them. Let the readers make up their own minds.

You said:

Alexis stood in front of the marvelous castle...


I say:

Alexis stood in front of the huge castle. Its silver towers stretched twoards the clouds. The sun glinted off the shiny stone so brightly Alexis was forced to cover her eyes.


O.K. so maybe that isn't the best example, but do you get what I mean?

Besides my problems I really did like this. Feel free to P.M. me about anything I said.

I hope I helped,

A. S.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1464
Reviews 85
Hi I'm SweetMoments and I'm here to review!

I really like this idea: kinda red-queen like right? I like how you describe but I think you could flesh it out a bit more; so you show and not just tell.

Now, when you describe her, you say a heart-shaped face. I don't know about everyone else but it make her seem soft, kind but then the eyes seem hard and cold. Was this intentional?

It's a good prologue and could be longer if you wanted it to be. have you seen the Harry potter books? They have long prologues.

Sounds good!

-SweetMoments
A hero isn’t defined by winning. Loads of heroes die in the effort. Most of them never get any recognition. No, a hero is just somebody who does the right thing when it would be far, far easier to do nothing.


~Previously SweetMoments




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 12987
Reviews 162
I have returned! 8D

"The board burst into flames as the winning King destroyed the remainders of the violet pieces assembled across the board." Yeah... They go through a lot of chessboards. XD Also, this chess paragraph seems a little out of place. It's kind of a prologue within a prologue, and that strikes me as strange. And, I've got to say, how many times have we all seen the "I'm playing chess that corresponds with my strategy in a war! 8D" type of scenario? Although that picture is pretty epic.

"Wings flexed out and prepared to attack she observed the bushes." I think you're either missing an 'as' after 'attack', or prepared to attack needs to be on its own, or... *reads through that line again*. Okay, I think I understand what you're saying. Her wings are flexed out (maybe find another way to word this, too?) and she's prepared to attack, as she observes the bushes. But this is worded a bit confusingly, so I'd fix it up a bit.

"she shouted vehemency" Vehemently?

"The army behind her echoed her ignition of passion" Again, phrased a bit oddly. Maybe something like... "Their passion ignited, the army behind her echoed her war cry." Or something. XD

"It’s time we’ve ended this, Grandfather. I’ve already taken Allen.” It's time we end this.

"Oh, you had much to learn, foolish girl. You should have realized I’m am in no way simple minded as my partner." It feels like your tenses are a little screwed up here... You HAVE much to learn? I'm not sure whether the second part should be 'should have' or just 'should'...

Is this a re-write of the same thing I read before? Because if so, then these are some drastic changes... Not neccesarily a bad thing, but this one I feel is entirely too short. The battle is over before it begins. We still have no idea what her army is up to, and we don't know who they're fighting. If the school is empty, then who's their enemy? Does this grandfather of hers have an army, too? Does she stumble across some in the halls and take them out?

Another thing is, this feels less like the end of a story... But it still doesn't really feel like a beginning. I'm getting the sense that I'm walking into a story that's already started. Like I was walking past a drama in full swing and then got dragged into the middle of it with no real idea of what's going on.

There's some improvement here, in places, but in other ways the old version was good, too. Didn't we see some faces in her army, rather than just a faceless mass of fighters fighting another faceless mass of fighters? And in the last one we saw a little more action to pull us in. Here, she breaks a gate, flies/walks into a room, yells at her grandpa, and gets knocked out. And there was a bunny.

There's still a lot of places you could go with this. Write a few more drafts. Figure out what works. :) Find a happy medium between overly-dramatic-apocalypse and bunny-anticlimactic-unconsciousness.

Keep writing. ;)
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1104
Reviews 12
hey Soulkana thx for the review so i'm reviewing you things now lol (: it's pretty cool, pretty awesome lol loved your works as always. there's so many ways you can go off on this one it's pretty short so keep writing so i can keep reading -]




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5081
Reviews 270
Hai. Sorry I'm late. My brain burned out, and I prefer poetry. :P

Anulekha gazed at the near ended chess game. With quivering fingers she traced the grooves of the old oak box.

"near ended" sounds strange to me. Maybe you could put it in another sentence? Use this one to describe her frustration over the game and the frown on her face, and the next to let the reader know that the game's coming to a close. In fact, you could even let them know just by following the moves she's making, and showing the ending. I'm sure they'll get the picture, and I feel it would create a bit more suspense.

Also, you have a lot of fragments in this first paragraph. Try combining them. Like, a lot of them. :P

And you need another comma after "flourish of her hand".



Same comment on the vehemency.


Their passion now revived, the army charged; roaring their approval of her wary cry

Not completely sure about the comma, but the structure of the last part of this sentence isn't right. It could be fixed simply by changing "to" to "of", but I don't think it's even necessary to mention "her wary cry." (That sounds more like she's being ambushed and warning her troops rather than a battle cry, because wary is when you're defensive. If you're charging a castle, you're going on the offense.)


I picked up on the fact that she has visions that guide her chess game, but I don't completely know what's going on. If you want to keep it like that, make sure you eventually explain things in your story. (Which I obviously haven't read. Sorry.)

Anyway, you need to work on comma placement and sentence structure, and avoid fragments. Otherwise, this is pretty good. Thanks for posting it.
"Ok, Lolpup. You can be a girl worth fighting for."
--Pengu




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 12987
Reviews 162
"Only a few pieces of the violet pieces remained" Pieces pieces. Repetition. Maybe say 'a few pieces of the violet set', instead?

"Alexis commenced to advance towards the gates of the Himing Academy" I think you can probably just say that she advanced, otherwise it gets a little wordy.

"The small silhouette of her back tensed at the soft rustle behind her" Are you sure that silhouette is the word you're looking for? That kind of means just the shape of her back when there's a light source in front of her, doesn't it? I think you could probably just say that she tensed.

"One of her daggers slid out from the hiding spot in her cloak." She's there with an army. Why does she have to hide her knives? XD Also, I wouldn't be laughing, I would be thinking 'What a waste of a knife. Could somebody go grab that for me?'

"Small hands removed her cloak’s hood to reveal a heart-shaped face. The waning twilight disclosed an orange hue over the land. It reflected the angles of her face promptly set in a determined mask. Alexis switched her attention back to the castle that occupied the space a few feet in front of her." Hmm... Methinks this could be organized a bit better, and some of your adverbs should be replaced/taken out. Try this on for size, and tweak it at your will:
"Alexis switched her attention back to the castle that occupied the space before her. The waning twilight ((now that I think about it, this sounds very odd to me. Say something about a sunrise instead, maybe?)) cast an orange hue over the land. It was reflected by the angles of her heart-shaped face as she removed her cloak's hood." And then something about the determined mask, if you really want to use that. XD Still a little rough, but do you see how it might flow a little better if you reorganize a tad?

I'm a little bit confused, setting wise. My understanding at first was that they were alongside a forest, not in the thick of it. And if the sunlight can't reveal them because they're in the trees, then it wouldn't be reflecting off her face.

"The calming aura could not deter her from her mission nor did it fool her." I think this would flow better if it was more like 'did not fool her, nor did it deter her from her mission.'"

"Black cloak secured the staff to her back. Fingers snaked themselves around the body of her staff." Did these sentences get switched around somehow? Anyhow, that first one sound a bit odd. And in the second, are they her fingers reaching for the staff, or some ghostly magic fingers stealing it from her?

I'm liking the chess thing better this time around. I understand it more. And even though I - and most of your readers - will have seen chess playing a role in stories like this a number of times before, I think the execution is much better this time around. :)

The section about Linda confuses me. Are the girl's parents angry, happy, proud, or regretful? I'm sensing a little of each.

I'm confused. Did two queens get taken over? :/ Be careful to make sure you're being clear about what piece is being taken off the board. There was another instance earlier, after one of the pawns died and A-fancy-spelled-name cleared away the pieces where I thought she cleared ALL the pieces off the board and the game was over. Figured it out soon enough, but yeah...

And with the addition of vampires, you lost me a little bit. Has anything up to this point said anything about vampires? Wings from the back, sure. But... I don't know. Meh.

Another thing; Having so much of the story in bold is a little annoying. Is there another way you can set it apart somehow?

I liked the first part of this, and thought it was starting to come together and take shape a little more. I was starting to get the chess thing finally, and I thought it was a big improvement from the first draft I read... But then after Alexis passed out, things started to get more and more jumbled. If there was a consistent order and reason to the scenes that followed, I think I missed what it was. I'm getting little connections, but I think a lot of the story is going right over my head. I just don't really understand what's going on. :/ I think you should try to make things a little more clear and understandable... More and more, I'm thinking this has potential, but you probably need a few more drafts to sort things out and get the story across without confusing the reader.

Keep writing! I believe in you! 8D
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2743
Reviews 5
This is awesome! I love how you have two plot moving at once, amazing piece of work!
With friends and courage one can stand against all foes, for neither man nor God can conquer those who are not alone

"109 in the sky but the pigs won't quit"

GLBT it doesn't matterone thing doesn't change who we are




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 32546
Reviews 739
Prologue: Rough Draft 2
The latest game had finally ended. Anulekha reclined in her chair as the board began to fade. Soon a new challenge would come up but until then she waited for the proof of her achievements to vanish. The Queen and King stood in the center before vanishing into dust. In its place formed a new board.

She raised an eyebrow at it. This was rather intriguing new game. The board was styled so three opponenets opponents could fight at the same time. The side facing her chair was violet and the other two were colored red and black. She had, of course, had to play several games at one time. This usually lead led to bad things happening for the side they played but never did she have to beat two at the same side.

She smirked at the challenge. The outcome would be interesting to say the least. She raised her head to spot the hourglass looming over the board. Engraved in its glass was a red nine. She winced. Only nine hours until the plan she was working on would become reality. With a grim frown she picked up a piece of paper and wrote down: Violet pawn moves two spaces forward at one minute. With that down she picked up a pawn and moved. The hourglass began to slowly time down. you repeat ‘down’ towards the end here.

Two hours later comma the game was nearly complete had nearly been complete. With quivering fingers Anulekha traced the grooves of the old oak box. Her lips twisted downward as she frowned Just say that she frowned. Frowning pretty much implies that your lips bend downwards. . Black elegant eyebrows drew together in concentration and grey eyes scanned the board for possible moves. Only a few pieces of the violet set remained. The rest had been shattered by the opposing forces. With a wary flourish of her hand, she moved the last violet pawn up a square squares. up a square squares? There are a few things wrong with this. First of all, it’s pretty easy to figure out that squares are in fact, square. It would be like you saying ‘triangular triangles’ or ‘lamplike lamps’ or something. Second, ‘a’ tells is that is should be singular, but ‘squares’ is plural. So redo this last sentence.

Alexis advance towards the gates of the Himing Academy. Falling in behind her was an army comma small but fierce. They lost many allies comma but together they persisted in the fight in memory of their fallen. With a flick of her hand Alexis halted the army just a few feet in front of the gates. She stood at the edge of the forest just shy of the wall. Protected by the shadows of the gates comma she lay invisible to the people inside. Fierce violet eyes scanned the area around her. The small silhouette of her back tensed at the soft rustle behind her. Black and red feathered wings flexed out ready to attack. Gazing comma she saw the rustled movement in the bushes. One of her daggers slid out from the hiding spot in her cloak. It lodged itself into the tree. A small chuckle left her mouth as a hare fled from her in fright.

One of the soldiers broke free from his position in the army. He rushed over to the tree and yanked it free. He glanced up at her and smiled sheepishly. She turned to him and held her hand out, waiting.

He moved closer to her as she rebuked lightly, “You shouldn’t have broken out of position, soldier. I would’ve gotten it myself.”


He nodded as I took the dagger from his hand here, you completely change your point of view. Now, all of a sudden, we are first person with this crazy lady. It was very abrupt, and I don‘t think it fits. . He scurried off back to his position. The commander glanced at her and then the soldier. She shook her head subtly at him. That mistake did not warrant a consequence during such a an important goal ahead.


The burning desire to feel the warmth of the sun on her face finally overtook her. Small hands removed her cloak’s hood to reveal a heart-shaped face. The twilight disclosed an orange hue over the land. It reflected the angles of her face set in a mask of determination. Alexis switched her attention back to the castle that occupied the space a few feet in front of her.

The towers loomed over them which casted the past tense of cast is also cast shadows concealing the army and leader from view. The sun proceeded to peek up in the eastern horizon. Luckily comma not even it could reveal their position amongst the thick forest. Alexis’s eyes narrowed at the castle comma her face twisted into an expression of great disdain. The calming aura could not deter her from her mission nor did it fool her.

Anulekha paused in the chess game. Her hand froze in its poised position over a knight. In A quick last minute decision comma she switched tactics and moved the violet Queen forward. She waited with baited breath for the consequence.

A scarred hand reached up to grasp the magic caste iron lock with elegant fingers. The scar had become memoir of her last battle. Gripped tightly in her hand, the lock became a twisted piece of metal as she yanked it away.

With a satisfied grin she spread her wings and took to the air. Staff raised high in the air she shouted vehemency vehemently, “For our freedom!”

Anulekha watched cautiously as the Black King moved. Yet it didn’t take any of the pieces and with a flourish she moved the knight forward. Only fifteen minutes remained before the time had passed a third of its length. She watched with slight grim satisfaction as the Knight took over a castle. A small smile tugged at the corners of her lips as the castle crumbled and burned in a bright flame.


Their passion now revived comma the army charged; roaring their approval to her who’s? wary cry. Watching as they attacked the castle comma she thanked the fates that the school laid dormant. The students now gone on holidays sentence fragment. Spotting an open window she took flight. Swooping inside her eyes flickered across the room. They surveyed her surroundings for possible dangers. The window was close to his office as she could reach. The wings settled on her back as she darted through the maze of hallways.

Hm, I’m starting to think that maybe the lack of fluidity in your writing has to do with how you structure your sentences. Take this paragraph.
The first few sentences start out like this.

Their passion now revived,
Watching as they attacked,
The students now gone,
Spotting an open window,
Don’t you feel like the rhythm is repetitive? I feel like all your sentences have no variation, making this difficult to read. Experiment more, and find a few different ways to string these words together.

Anulekha paused as an opposing knight took out the last pawn. With a discouraged sigh she cleared away the burned, shattered pieces. She absently fingered the oak wood and frowned. She observed the board in silence.


Turning comma she skidded to a stop right outside his elm wood door. Black cloak secured the staff to her back. Fingers snaked themselves around the body of her staff. Sun streamed in through a window hidden by magic. Alexis turned towards it and gazed outside. The army was fighting off the treacherous professors. Their defiance never ending as the set the grass to flames this sentence doesn‘t seem to make any sense. A glint of pride and ambition entered the violet eyes before she turned to the door.

Anulekha paused in game, her hand poised over the Queen. Soon the game would end. For better or for worst she did not know comma but each move now would decide if the vision was the one she needed. Mustering up the courage she moved the Queen up to take the castle.

Adrenaline pumping pumped through her veins as she slammed the door open. The old man behind it jumped and turned. The room was filled with dusty old books and priceless family heirlooms. The flag of Lykra hung in front of the window. It had been altered to the man’s dark desire.

Glaring, she grinned viciously at his shocked face. The man’s eyes were a bottle green and spitting with flames of deadly ambition. Violet eyes turned cold as she told boldly, “It’s time we’ve ended this, Grandfather. I’ve already taken Allen.”

The old man smirked at her. Dark eyes held her gaze with serpentine deceit. “Oh, you would have much to learn, foolish girl. You should have realized I’m am no way not as simple minded as my partner.”

A flash of confusion crossed through Alexis as pain engulfed her. Slipping to darkness she would not know what had hit her. The man smirked with victory as he whispered, “Eternity shall be mine. You lead led it right to me, reckless girl.”

He smirked down at the child now impaled by a sword of steel. Sneering comma he shoved her aside and moved towards the door. His plan now allowed (him) to move forward.


Letting out a soft sigh comma she watched with a sinking stomach as violet Queen was taken over by one of the opposing pieces. The board burst into flames. The Black King destroyed the remainders of the violet pieces assembled across the board. Its assembled troops gathered in a circle around the burning Queen in victory. A growl of frustration emerged from Anulekha’s lips, “There has to be a way to beat them! I can’t allow them to slip back into the abyss!!”

“My lord. The army is prepared to conquer.” A man whispered, bowing low to the Lord in front of him. Green eyes gazed at the man whose hands fiddled anxiously. A smirk appeared on the old man’s face as he got up from the black throne behind him.

“Then let the humans become ours. It is time the creatures won our rights!” The man roared. His eyes flashing with triumph as the soldier fled to spread his words.

Anulekha twisted her wrist and watched as the flames died away. The board reset itself and she watched as the hour hit three. Only six remained for her to plot her plan. With a whispered mantra of luck she moved the knight forward.

Linda smiled down at her daughter. The child was falling asleep on the floor beside the blocks she had been using to teach her to count. Allowing a soft smile to grace her face comma she knelt down to pick her up. The child blinked at her with bleary eyes.

A man came into the room from the kitchen with a newspaper in hand. The brown eyes watched the mother and child as a chuckle escaped the man. He snuck up behind Linda. With a grin he whispered in her ear, “So is it time for her to sleep?”

Linda jerked her body around and glared. Soon though the glare relaxed into a warm gaze. “Yes it is. She’s had a rough day...playing with those blocks.” The mother spoke jokingly.

Robert laughed his eyes twinkling in amusement. The two stood there for a few minutes just gazing down at the child wrapped in their arms. With sighs of regret the parents walked into the hallways towards their daughter’s room.

Almost three hours had passed now. The black side now lay abandoned. A struggle lay obvious on the board between the last two sides. Eyes watched with crushed hope as the Queen was taken over by the Red King. Tears filled her eyes as the vision of what this path would lead entered her mind. Sliding to the floor Anulekha witnessed the wrong path once more. Only this time things turned out different.

A dark silhouette of a human crept through the house of Angemon. Fingers curled inside his jacket. He smirked as he came across the two parents tucking in a small child. Eyes gleaming with cold hate he withdrew the metal staff.

The parents turned at the sense of danger. In their hands held similar staffs. Alas it was too late. The two fell to the ground in front of the terrified girl. Screams erupted from her throat. Scrambling away from the man she huddled under the covers. Violet eyes peeked out from beneath the small blanket. The man smiled with sick delight as he leveled the staff to the child. A flash of red ended a life of a five year old before she could truly live it.

Anulekha tossed the chess board away in rage. Grey eyes burning with irritation she muttered over and over, “There has to be a way to win.”

Black eyes surveyed the map in front of them. A pale hand reached out to grasp a wine glass. Inside the elegant goblet swirled a red liquid. As the hands lifted it to the dry lips of the owner there came a reverberate knock on the door.

“Enter.” Came the sharp command as the eyes turned red at the taste of metal shocked the man’s taste-buds.

A man came striding giving off an air of confidence and darkness. The man knelt in front of the red throne biding his time for the other to respond. Underneath the calm facade lay a tensed worried mind. The man flinched when finally the man stood.

“Did you really expect me to let you live on as you are? A threat to my plans?” The man lectured coldly. The left hand cupped the man’s chin forcing him to look at him.

Silas flinched at the touch before snarling, “Then kill me! You have already killed everyone I care about.” The anguish showed in his eyes as he gazed sorrowfully down at the floor.

The man simply smirked whispering into the other’s ear, “Oh no. That would be too nice. I would much rather do this.”

Without another word the man tilted the younger man’s head and bit down. Silas twisted in the crushing grip as he felt the vampire’s venom seep into his body. Dropping him into a crumbled heap the man let go. Stepping back and into his chair he whispered, “Now we shall take the world into our dark grip.”

Fingers delicately fiddled with her sleeve as she paced. Back and forth she went. Twirling a thick lock of her brown hair around her finger comma she muttered angrily to herself. Almost the last of the remaining time had past. She only had five minutes to place the first move to her victory.

“I got it!” She exclaimed after what seemed like hours.

Kneeling as she picked up the chess board once more she began to formulate the plan in her mind. The steps began to fall into place. The path to victory. The game was settled as she confidently moved a pawn forward a square. The hourglass now lay empty. The nine hours have passed. The game now was no longer just a game. With forced hope comma Anulekha allowed the consequences to be shoved away in hopes she would be able to stop the destruction. The cries of an infant rang through out the pocket of space. They brought hope and fear into her heart. She knew this was no longer about the easy choices.

Linda smiled down at the newborn girl in her arms. Violet eyes glistened with tears as she whispered, “Your name shall be Alexis Angemon. The defender of the Angemons.”

Robert leaned over and kissed his infant daughter on the forehead whispering, “She will turn out just like you, honey.”

Linda smiled at her husband and said jokingly, “She might just wind up as your daughter for all we know, Robert.”

The two parents bartered playful insults back and forth. Pride evident in their eyes as a knock sounded through the room. Turning to open it, Robert called out, “Who is it?”

“Rosa and Silas.” Two voices rang in unison. The parents grinned at each other and allowed their friends to enter the room on this joyous occasion.



Plot wise, I’m completely lost x) I tried to follow along with what was happening, but every few paragraphs you would switch to someone else’s perspective without warning, and it would throw me off.

After reading the other reviews, I think I have to echo what Calligraphy said.

My biggest problem with this isn't the grammar at all. I am not super good with grammar, but I didn't notice too many mistakes. My biggest concern is the way you write. Don't take that the wrong way! I am talking about your sentence structure. The first thing I noticed was that you beginning almost all your sentences with 'she' or 'her'. This is bad because you never want someone to notice how much you start your sentences with the same thing. Reading the same thing over and over also starts to get boring and monotonous. Everything starts to drag.

The second thing I noticed is that all your sentences are about the same length. Yeah there are the few that are different, but it isn't enough. Sentences like this start to get boring. Just listen:

This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It's like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety.

I did find quite a few areas that I thought needed commas, but I’m not entirely sure about them. I think you just need to go back and really work out your sentence structure instead.

Sorry if this wasn’t much help. I think the other reviewers pretty much said what I had to say.
Keep at it!
~black sheep
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk



We are not to simply bandage the wounds of victims beneath the wheels of injustice, we are to drive a spoke into the wheel itself.
— Dietrich Bonhoeffer