Growing Up

Chapter 1: Can't sleep

I looked up from my book I was reading. It was 11:16 at night and I couldn't fall asleep; Not when my birthday is in two days. I would be turning 13. My sister Brianna's light was on in her room too, like always. I heard my two other sisters, Brittany and Stephanie, giggling while they were watching a movie downstairs. My brother Kyle was probably sleeping in his bedroom since it was quiet and the light was off. Or he might not be home. I walked downstairs, slowly, trying not to bother my sisters. They were watching Mystic Pizza and they were talking and laughing. I decided to just go to the kitchen and have coffee. Usually coffee makes people wake up but it makes me sleepy. My brother Gregory was eating some chips when I walked in the kitchen.
"Well good morning" He joked.
"I can't go to sleep" I said while making the coffee.
"Why not?" He asked.
"My birthday is in two days and I'm too excited" I said.
"Well think about it. If you sleep it will come faster." He replied.
"Well I can't sleep" I said, putting the empty coffee mug in the sink and taking off to my room.
My sisters stared at me while I walked up the creaky stares then turned to each other and cracked up again.
I walked back into my room and took my plush Husky, Comet, out from under my bed.
"I guess I should try to sleep" I said to Comet.
Comet's face stayed still because, of course, he was a stuffed animal. His fuzzy tongue stuck out of his mouth and those big blue eyes almost looked real.
I smiled.
"Good night Comet" I said.
I could even almost hear him say, "Good night Rachel."

Hi ginger! I hope you are enjoying it around the site so far. This is pretty good, but like everything it can be improved. I think if you just expanded this a lot of its problems would be solved. Because this is so short a reader can't really get a feel of the characters, plot, and so on.

One of the biggest problems I have with this is it lacks a lot of emotion. Yes, you do tell us she is exited for her birthday. But that doesn't make me feel exited. It doesn't even make me want to read more. Tell us why this birthday is so important her. Does she think that she wont be treated like a little girl anymore? Is she looking forward to that awesome present she knows is hiding in her moms closet? Help us relate to this girl so when she feels emotion we will feel emotion to.

Another thing is, is that I still don't know who your main character is. What is her personality? What makes her tick? Is she quiet? Is she loud? I think expanding this will eventually tell me this, but your writing style doesn't really tell me anything about this girls character. Add a little spice. Do you get what I mean?

Like I said above, another big problem is that I don't really care if I read more. In this world things get put down after seconds of reading. You have to make people want more. The easiest way to do this is have a problem. Usually in the first chapter, or even in the prologue authors introduce a problem. I think you could easily fix this by just making the first chapter longer. What is this girls problem? Basically not much is happening so far so it seems just a little bit boring. Giving emotion will help this. Because whatever emotion she feels will have to have something to do with the problem. Do you get what I mean?

A few more small notes:

I looked up from my book I was reading. It was 11:16 at night and I couldn't fall asleep; Not when my birthday is in two days. I would be turning 13.

A few things about this seem a bit unrealistic to me. First, I am 13 and 11:00 isn't very late to stay up for me. I usually go to bed at 10:40 and get up at 7:00. Maybe that is just me though. The thing that is more unrealistic is the fact that she can't fall asleep because of her birthday. I have never not been able to fall asleep. Especially not two whole nights before it. Have you yourself ever experienced not being able to fall asleep because of a birthday? I am only pointing it out because it just seems just a tad cheesy.

My sister Brianna's light was on in her room too, like always. I heard my two other sisters, Brittany and Stephanie, giggling while they were watching a movie downstairs. My brother Kyle was probably sleeping in his bedroom since it was quiet and the light was off.

Here you seem just to be listing your main characters to get it over with so you don't have to go to the work of it later. It is never good to have it feel like you are just dumping a bunch of information on the reader. Slip the information about this girl's family in slowly. Mention maybe one of these characters. Or if you really want to list them slip the information in throughout the chapter. A sentence at a time instead of one big paragraph.

I want to see more of this! If you have any questions or what another review from me just P.M. me.

I hope I helped,

A. S.

Hey, Ginger. Adox here to review the first chapter of the story.

I have just a few nit-picks to go over. First, I somewhat disagree with the first reviewer about it lacking emotion; this was just an opening chapter, and you really didn't need to add that much emotion as for what you were writing. Sure, it would have been great if you added little lines in, like, "I was excited for my birthday. My friends were coming over for a small gathering, and it was sure to be a blast. I got excited tingles whenever I thought about it." Of course, you could fit that to your character, and whatever she's doing to celebrate her birthday.

"Well good morning" He joked.
"I can't go to sleep" I said while making the coffee.
"Why not?" He asked.
"My birthday is in two days and I'm too excited" I said.
"Well think about it. If you sleep it will come faster." He replied.
"Well I can't sleep" I said, putting the empty coffee mug in the sink and taking off to my room.
My sisters stared at me while I walked up the creaky stares then turned to each other and cracked up again.
I walked back into my room and took my plush Husky, Comet, out from under my bed.
"I guess I should try to sleep" I said to Comet.
Comet's face stayed still because, of course, he was a stuffed animal. His fuzzy tongue stuck out of his mouth and those big blue eyes almost looked real.
I smiled.
"Good night Comet" I said.

The thing about this was you need to put a comma between Well and things, as well as the initial sentences and names. Also, instead of periods, before you say he said and the parentheses, there should be a comma as well. Also, when you say He said, the h shouldn't be capitalized. The last thing I'm gonna press is the length of this chapter. I'd suggest making the chapter longer, or else the reader will get bored quickly. Other than that, great job.