Why? All For You.

Each time the wretched tears came,
Drying too soon on my cheek,
I halfheartedly hid them.
Really, I'd hoped you would see.

When the blade left light pink scars
That I knew would always be,
I kept them in plain view so
You would find them and yell at me.

It's all for you!
Everything I do!
All the tears I cry,
Each and every lie,
Was all for you.

All the desperate moves I made,
Like attempting suicide,
Were the cause of wanting you to see
The anguish in my eyes.

It's all for you!
Everything I do!
All my troubled time
Making yurs worth while,
It's all for you.

I told you my will was yours.
But you didn't seem to care.
Everytime you felt sad,
I was always there.

It's all for you!
Everything I do!
All the tears I cry,
Every single lie,
Was all for you

I said you needed more than them,
I stayed and held your hand.
It took a while, but soon I saw
You would never understand

That it's all for you!
Everything I do!
All the tears I cry,
Each and every lie,
Was all for you.

All for you.
Every single thing I do.
My heart was open
You could have come in,
But you preferred to stay outside.

I gave up everything,
For your attention.
I did it all,
And still I fall,
Just like the tears I cry,
And every single lie.

It was all for you.

WONDERFUL

Hello.

Well, I honestly remember feeling like this as well, once upon a time. Honestly, it's a little unsettling how easy it is to relate to this. But I guess, that's something great that you achieved in this poem. I think it speaks to a teen audience which is exactly the audience we have on site.

However, I think this was too predictable and overdone teenage angst for me. I don't know if it's just me growing old though. Although, I do think that there is a way to present something as emotional as this so that it doesn't become indigestible. Words like 'tears, scars, hell, sad, wanting you with me', it's a staple of sad teenage poetry. I think you can do better. Heartbreak, particularly this kind, wherein the pain is so intense inside you that it tends to manifest itself on your skin, is so overdone. I'm not saying one should stop writing about it. It just has to be presented in a different way.

There are songs on my i-pod that have choruses so similar to words like these. The words are that cliche. It's good music and it's commercial but that doesn't make it poetry. This poem is again, easy to relate to, I think a lot of people on this site will like it, but I'm doubtful whether it achieves anything very original poetically. There aren't any new metaphors on this poem or any truly vivid image.

This was too much telling and no showing. I think your emotions got in the way of your poetry here. This sounds more like an emotional rant on a journal than controlled lines and stanzas. Poetry is beautiful when you can feel the emotions that the writer talks of, and in this poem, I read it off the paper and I understood it, but you didn't leave me anything vivid and concrete that made me feel what the persona was feeling. Package your emotions in different words, don't tell the reader that you're heartbroken; shove your broken heart at his face with strong imagery.

I enjoyed your other poetry and I think you can do better and improve this.

--Nixie

Hi there,

I personally liked this and generally found it really good and nice to read. It's definitely something a lot of people can relate to and I certainly think many people can understand the feelings expressed in this. All the words used in this are precisely what I have been waiting to hear, especially in this format.

My favorite stanza was the first one:
Each time the wretched tears came,
Drying too soon on my cheek,
I halfheartedly hid them.
Really, I'd hoped you would see.

Because it was just interesting to read and I just couldn't find any flaws in it at all from beginning to end. I also particularly liked the length and flow of all the lines put together. All of it was good though and I congratulate you on this peice of writing, it's really good!

From CuteJackRussell

O.o People really don't like cliches on this site.........
(I don't have a problem with them, usually. Unless they're really overdone.

Sorry I didn't review earlier! I didn't have time when I first saw this, and then it took a while to find my way back..... :p

ANYWAY.

I liked this. I think the teen audience, as others have mentioned, can really identify with this. After all, the message we get is "Fit in, do things so you can be popular." So really, a lot of people do things for other people, because they want to feel loved and accepted--something you've really captured here.

I don't think it's necessary to repeat the chorus every time-- after a few times, the reader's eye just glazes over it, anyway. Did you do it that way because of the change near the end? If that's the case, either change it so that it's the same as the other versions of the chorus (I think it still works that way-- even without the "that", I can tell what you're trying to say) or just put -chorus- for after the first time, and then for the one that's different, maybe type it out, maybe put an annotation there to indicate that word has changed. You could even just have it be like the rest of it (I don't know how to word this in a way that's not awkward..... sorry) and sing the "that" anyway.

The line about the scars hit me especially hard, because my sister cuts. (Any advice on what to say to her? :p)

Come save me from my hell.

You might want to put this in quotation marks. It's optional here, I think.

I told you my will was yours#FF0000 ">,
But you didn't seem to care.

I think a comma would be better than a period here--as it is, I think you have two fragments that would be better off combined.

I said you needed more than them,

Who? Your friend's friends? I can gather that from the nature of the song, but it's a tad bit ambiguous, since "them" is all you give us.

The last stanza.... it seems to decrease in quality. Maybe it's just the fall/all rhyme. Still good, but.... I think you kinda fell into the "I need to finish this and make it rhyme" trap. (I visit that one often. :p)

Overall, this was good. Thanks for posting.

And by the way, there's a forum specifically for lyrics that I didn't know existed before, like, yesterday.

For some reason, I kept thinking that this poem could very easily become a song!! Have you thought about that?? I think it would be great. But, as far as a poem, it was pretty good too.

VousEsEtonnant wrote:All the desperate moves I made,
Like attempting suicide,

Wow, I had NO idea that was coming. But, I'm glad you put it in here. It really lets the reader know that you would do absolutely ANYTHING, like, give your life.

I think the grammar was great. The flow was good too, but, in some parts I'm not sure.

VousEsEtonnant wrote:I said you needed more than them,
I stayed and held your hand.
It took a while, but soon I saw
You would never understand

This part was the best as far as flowing. I loved the rhyming too! This was the best stanza as far as rhyming goes.

VousEsEtonnant wrote:And every single lie.

When you mentioned all the lies, I was kind of left wondering..what happened? What was the lie? What's going on? Is it like, you're living a lie, or is it just one particular instance where you lied? I think this needed more explaining.
Overall, it was great! And, please consider making this into a song! I believe it would be even better.

Hello there, VEE.
OMG!! This poem had a terribly awesome flow throughout. xD Totally deserves a like. *likes*
And the content was related to every teenager living now. Every teenager can relate to it, whoever it be. Everyone has been through this phase some time or the other. And the imagery was also really good. I liked the poem a lot. But I have some nitpicks, but the poem is good even without any changes made to it.

All the desperate moves I made,
Like attempting suicide,
Were the cause of wanting you to see
The anguish in my eyes.

The problem in this stanza was about the tense. In the third line it should be “Was the cause of wanting you to see” so this makes the tense problem, solved. And in the last line “the” should be in smalls.

Making yurs worth while,

I guess you missed the o in yours in the line above.

I told you my will was yours.
But you didn't seem to care.
Everytime you felt sad,
I was always there.

I think a comma after you in the first line would be better for the reader to read. And every time are two different words, not a single word.

I said you needed more than them,
I stayed and held your hand.
It took a while, but soon I saw
You would never understand

Something in the first line seems to be missing. I think you missed a word in this line, I realized it now. It should be like this: “I said you needed me more than them”. And in the first line what did you mean by them? Who are them? It’s a bit confusing for the reader to understand these things, you see.

I gave up everything,
For your attention. For should be in smalls over here.
I did it all,
And still I fall, And still I did fall,
Just like the tears I cry,
And every single lie.

I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing.

I really liked it...even though I do find it almost disturbing how easily I can relate to things like this. My overall favorite part was the second stanza

When the blade left light pink scars
That I knew would always be,
I kept them in plain view so
You would find them and yell at me.

There are some ways you could make this better. I don't think you have to repeat the chorus so often because I noticed when I was reading it, that by the end of the poem I was just kind of skimming over it. If you repeated it less, I probably wouldn't have. Also, in the last stanza, I don't think it was really neccessary to rhyme, though it didn't affect the poem too much. Like I said before, I really like it overall.