Lifewish: Chapter One

“Yes.”
“What do you mean, yes?”
“Yes, I’ll do it.”
“You will?”
“Yes, Evan. It’s time to finally--”
#FF0000 ">- A not bad start, however, you just give us speech and no, completely no detail on - is it female? Male? Soft? Rough? Sad? Happy? You just give us words, I hear nothing in my mind, nothing. Descriptions as I've been taught are not any less important than the rest. Believe me, they are the reason we can see, smell, taste, feel, the world you want to share with us in your writings. IF there is no description, we are seeing our own world and believe me, there is nothing unique nor extraordinary then, we just imagine what we have set, mostly stereotypes and that hurts enjoyment.

“What are they saying?” Declan asks loudly.
“Shhhh!” I put a finger to my lips and look at my little brother, trying to tell him to hush.
I press my ear to the floorboards again, but I only hear shuffling footsteps and a door closing.
“I was trying to listen!” I yell at Declan as soon as the door closes.
“I’m sorry. So, what were they saying, Garny?” He asks, gazing up at me with his wide, thoughtful, six-year-old eyes.
“Well, Mommy said yes to something. I don’t know what it was.” I reply, trying to sound indifferent.
After a long silence, Declan whimpers, “I don’t want them to divorce, Garny.”
“They won’t, Declan.”
“You don’t know that.”
#FF0000 ">- Nothing much wrong here. Only thing that disturbed me is that I know just a name of MC's brother. Feels a bit empty, but on the other hand, your try to give us a 'tone detail' is not wasted.

My brother’s words are like a slap. And suddenly I realize, I don’t know. I really don’t.
“You’re right. I don’t know.” I say softly, hoping Declan won’t hear. Of course, he does.
He chokes out a small sob, and the next thing I know, he’s crying on my shoulder. After a few minutes, my back is wet with tears. “It’s okay, Declan.” I say. He quiets down.
“Hey, buddy, it’s okay. Shhhh, it’s alright.” I manage to get him completely still and quiet. A few moments of silence pass, and I realize that Declan is asleep. I pick him up, carry him to his room, lay him in bed, and turn out the light. Then I trudge back to my room, where I flop down on my bed and fall asleep myself.
#FF0000 ">- Simple details, but they kind of work, this work is not meant to be your masterpiece and a book for publishing, yet, right? Later you'd find out that stories with an active description on almost anything have pretty good reputation, but, do not take it as a golden rule - history has prooven that even stories with a less detailed descriptions got published and were liked, but in their case, they had very very deep message to tell along their lines, they still had much to offer. As in general, active description is a good way.


Darkness.
Silence.
Falling.
I am falling.
The wind whips up at me, coming from below. I close my eyes, open them. It makes no difference. It is too dark. Then the whispers start. Lightly, at first. Then louder. People whispering all around me, laughing, snickering, talking. Getting closer and closer. Louder and louder. I know I am about to hit the ground. I brace myself for impact. This is the end. Oh, Lord, this is the end.
#FF0000 ">- I really like this. My imaginery was working on 100% here, good job.

“Auuuugggghhh! Wake up, wake up, wake up! Sissy’s getting evaluated tomorrow!” Declan screams, sprinting into my room and diving onto my bed. I tickle him, and he laughs manically. I ruffle his bright blond hair that is identical to mine.
“Stop it, stop it,” he gasps between bursts of laughter, “I surrender!”
I grab his feet and tickle the heel, his most ticklish spot. He breaks out into a fit of giggles, and I take advantage of the opportunity by pinning him down and tickling his stomach.
“How can you surrender if you were never fighting in the first place?” I reason.
Declan thrashes about, squealing.

“Kids, breakfast!” Dad calls from downstairs. Declan uses my temporary distraction to wiggle free and launch downstairs.
“Oh, no you don’t!” I call, speeding down the stairs after him.
That was when I saw the sight that I will never, ever forget. A lawyer. In our kitchen. With my mom. A stack of papers. My mom holding a pen... about to sign...

“No! Stop!” I cry, feeling my breath come in short gasps. My heart is jerking around wildly in my chest.
“Oh, um, Garnette dear, this is Mr. Schneider. Mr. Schneider, this is my daughter, Garnette.” My mom says nervously.
“Nice to meet you, Garnette,” Mr. Schneider says calmly, thrusting his hand out to be shook.
I look at my mom. “Mom, what are you doing?” I ask, trying to keep calm. I see Mr. Schneider lower his hand.
“Uh, Garnette, your father and I have been having some trouble lately, and...” Oh, Lord, no. No, no, no. This isn’t happening. This is not happening to me. “...we think it’s time we,” she glances at my father, and twirls her blond hair around her finger, a nervous habit, “We think it’s time we get a... divorce.” The room shifts. I grab the back of my mom’s chair for support, suddenly feeling sick.
“Get a what?” I ask, hoping she’ll say something like “pony”, or “new car”, or “manicure at noon”. Anything but the D word.
“A divorce.” There it is. There’s that word. The word that turns my life upside down. The lawyer, oblivious to my pain, hands my mother a paper. My dad’s signature is already on one line. She picks up the pen, her hands shaking. She clicks it, causing the world to shift again. I want to reach out and take the pen from her and throw it across the room. But I can’t. My hands are gripping the back of her chair, anchoring the world in its orbit. If I let go, it will spin wildly out of control. The pen touches the paper. Time slows down.
M. E. R. O. N. A. N. I. C. H. O. L. S. Then, it’s over. Just like that, it’s done. My parents are no longer married. My life is no longer perfect. How can you surrender if you were never really fighting in the first place?
“Thank you, Ms. Nichols. It was a pleasure.” Mr. Schneider says in that clipped voice of his. The lawyer and my mother shake hands. I stare at my mom’s signature. Beautiful, and terrible. Perfect, and deadly.
#FF0000 ">- Descriptions (Good), inner feelings (Superb!), Overall enjoyment (8/10, that is awesome, believe me).

“Garnette, Declan? Breakfast is getting cold.” My dad says, trying to sound nonchalant.
I look at Declan, crying his little soul out. Poor thing. I glance back at my dad. I hate him. I hate him for signing that awful paper, that awful form. I hate him for breaking my heart, tearing my world in half right down the middle. Declan’s too. I look at my mom, face calm with no sign of regret. I hate her too, from the perfect blond tip of her perfect blond ponytail right down to the toes of her perfect Armani shoes.
“Come on, Declan. Come with me, buddy.” I say softly. My little brother slips his hand into mine, and I lead him upstairs.
- To be honest, I think this ending is good and has no need to be editted, which is not often the case. It gives off a certain feeling that's not easy to shake off, it's tough to express, but I think you did a good job here. High five!