Rejection

Hey, this was probably one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. You have practically summed up my feelings and emotions over the past 2 weeks. I am currently going through a ruff stage in my f=relationship with my 'best' friend and this is exactly how I feel. I am going to follow you

Keep writing- good luck
JJxVoodo

There's a lump in my throat
that just won't go away <--[/i]It's strange to have just one word, in my opinion. Unless that's your preference.[/i]
No matter how much I pray

Because you don't want me,
you don't need me
You can't even see how I'm suffering and
You'll never know how much time
I've spent cryin' over you in the bathroom
Thinkin', "What should I do?" Unless it's a quote inside a quote, always use ".

''Cause why should I tell you how I feel Try using "appropriate" slang.
If you don't care?
Just doesn't seem fair

How you say, "She's my best friend" and leave me out and the worst part is
You don't even see how it makes me wanna shout
"What am I then? I thought you were my friend!"

But evidently I'm not as important to you as I thought I was
Guess that all the love and the gifts, In my opinion, this line runs better. But, keep it any way you wish.
the talking and the texting and hugs,
Meant nothing to you.

Now what am I supposed to do?
I'm fallin' to pieces over you
And you don't even notice so I take that to mean
That you don't even care.

So I'll smile and I'll wear
This fake air of indifference
Pretendin' like this doesn't hurt me
No matter how painful it becomes.

What also slightly bothers me is the fact you rhyme every other stanza. Did you do that on purpose? Just curious. I enjoy what you were trying to put out there, and respect you for revealing your feelings. Keep writing.

~Panda;;

Oh, this is such a great poem. I share SO much empathy with you. We are in the same shoes my friend. Now the nitpicks:

After I read this poem, I was left wondering, what happened??
This sounds like the effect of something else.
I really wanted a story about this "friendship." I wanted to hear your side of the story, because OF COURSE, everyone has their own view of how the story goes. But, overall, without the whole story thing, I believe you expressed your emotions beautifully. I couldn't have done better.

Great job. I will enjoy reading more of your work in the future. Maybe, a story behind this poem?

Hey I'm SweetMoments and I'll be your reviewer today!
I really loved the imagery in this piece and the raw emotion as well! I know exactly how you feel and have felt it very recently and the poem basically spells out my emotions.
There is not many nitpicks except that friend seemed a little repetitive in one stanza, it might just be me but, I thought it disrupted the flow
Go Team Power Rangers! Be grateful for this review too because last night I bailed because I was sick but, I am back again! Mwhahahaha

This was all very good. You picked a very real feeling and I have to guess you probably witnessed it first-hand. I could see everything you said in this poem, even though there is not a lot of fancy imagery wording. Good job!

I really enjoyed this.

There's a lump in my throat that just won't go
Away This being the only word on this line makes it seem like you can't find anything else to say here. I'd suggest adding another line here.
No matter how much I pray

Because you don't want me,
you don't need me
You can't even see how I'm suffering and
You'll never know how much time
I've spent cryin' over you in the bathroom
Thinkin', 'What should I do?'

'Cuz why should I tell you how I feel
If you don't care?
Just doesn't seem fairYou just had a stanza that was really long and then this was only three lines. It throws off the reader a bit.

How you say, "She's my best friend" and leave me out and the worst part is
You don't even see how it makes me wanna shout
"What am I then? I thought you were my friend!" I really loved this stanza.

But evidently I'm not as important to you as I thought I was
Guess that
All the love and the gifts and
the talking and the texting and hugs,
Meant nothing to you.

Now what am I supposed to do?
I'm fallin' to pieces over you
And you don't even notice so I take that to mean
That you don't even care.

So I'll smile and I'll wear
This fake air of indifference
Pretendin' like this doesn't hurt me
No matter how painful it becomes.

This was really good, and very relatable. Awesome job.

Wow, I am truly in love with this poem!
Let me just say that--

So I'll smile and I'll wear
This fake air of indifference

utterly amazed me, I am honestly blown away, not only because it relates to my life 100%, but also the way you stated this emotion makes it so much stronger.
I do like the title, a lot, and I can’t wait to read more of your work.
I see that most of the grammar errors have already been pointed out so I won’t bother pointing things out that have already been pointed out, but if I could say two things—
--I think the last two lines need to flow a little more, not necessarily rhyme, I just think

stargazer9927 wrote:Pretendin' like this doesn't hurt me
No matter how painful it becomes.

leaves on such a broken note…if that makes sense.
--I think your next poem needs a stronger name then just ‘pain’ but that’s just me.

Snowberry!

First, I congratulate you on being featured. Second, the title changed since I've checked this out yesterday. Third, I'd like to say is: You're a YWS addict. I'm so cool for bringing you here. kidding. On to more serious work!

There's a lump in my throat that just won't go
Away
No matter how much I pray

The "Away" part totally made me pause to long... Was that intentional? It as a bit hard to read. I'd rather read it with the flow of a complete sentence. Though it does work a bit, because the first line is a sentence in itself. It's just, the "away" seemed like a forced word to make it rhyme. Hmm... but it does work, somehow.

Because you don't want me,
you don't need me
You can't even see how I'm suffering and
You'll never know how much time

I'm not quite sure of your punctuations now. And the capitalization rule you're following. I don't like interfering with poem punctuation, on how one uses his or her punctuation (and capitalization), but I'd like to point out that you've shown some inconsistencies. The pink part, it was a line connected to the previous line, which you've ended with a comma, and so you used lower case letters to start the pink line off. The blue part seems to be a whole sentence it itself too. But my problem is, you used an end, there's no comma, I know, but you capitalized the following line, which just confuses me.

I've spent cryin' over you in the bathroom
Thinkin', 'What should I do?'

Here's another instance. Standard English applied, there should be a comma after bathroom, because "thinkin'" is a participle. But instead you did not put a comma, and capitalized T.

'Cause why should I tell you how I feel
If you don't care?
Just doesn't seem fair

Feels like you've got a heavy Southern accent while writing this? Hihi... kidding. The 'Cuz part, consider that if you'd like to bring an accent, a personality in this case; but if not, try completing it, as in 'Cause (because).

The rhyming (for me) is a bit awkward. Being injected at some parts, lacking at most. But as I said, I don't like interfering with poem much. I just keep on suggesting things, pointing out parts that seem awkward. But really, it's up to you.

How you say, "She's my best friend" and leave me out and the worst part is
You don't even see how it makes me wanna shout
"What am I then? I thought you were my friend!"

The purple line is kind of awkward, too. It was like you want the reader to run out of breath. It was a bit out of rhythm in your poem. 'Cause there are more lines in which you were kind of choppy:

Guess that
All the love and the gifts and
the talking and the texting and hugs,
Meant nothing to you.

So the "how you say" part seems off for me for this particular poem.

OVERALL

I like it that you've changed the title. It's more suiting now than "Pain". Plus, pain's seems to be a grazed title. Ouch, this poem hurts. And hey, is this what you're going through right now? WHY!?

I kind of hated one line:

And you don't even notice so I take that to mean
That you don't even care.

Not in a bad hate way though. I hate 'cause it hurts. The poem was so literal that it hurts! Tsk, tsk... Puppy... what are you hiding?

I'm babbling subjective matter now. I think this is where my review ends. I'm glad I read this, 'cause I really like it. =) Many teenagers will love this. It's ouch. It's literal enough. It hurts. Most important,

...it's true.



Great job, Puppy V!


Jash ♥

I liked it BTW.