Rejection

This was originally one big lump. I've tried to divide it into stanzas, but as you can see, I got a little stuck on the middle section.

Also, lots of slang here. It was intentional.

Edit: Thanks to stargazer for helping me with the stanzas.

Edit 2: Changed the name to Rejection. I think it fits better, and I have another work I want to call Pain......
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There's a lump in my throat that just won't go
Away
No matter how much I pray

Because you don't want me,
you don't need me
You can't even see how I'm suffering and
You'll never know how much time
I've spent cryin' over you in the bathroom
Thinkin', 'What should I do?'

'Cuz why should I tell you how I feel
If you don't care?
Just doesn't seem fair
How you say, "She's my best friend" and leave me out and the worst part is
You don't even see how it makes me wanna shout
"What am I then? I thought you were my friend!"

But evidently I'm not as important to you as I thought I was
Guess that
All the love and the gifts and
the talking and the texting and hugs,
Meant nothing to you.

Now what am I supposed to do?
I'm fallin' to pieces over you
And you don't even notice so I take that to mean
That you don't even care.

So I'll smile and I'll wear
This fake air of indifference
Pretendin' like this doesn't hurt me
No matter how painful it becomes.

"'Cuz why should I tell you how I feel/if you don't even care?"

Favoritest lines ever!! Seriously that quote just about sums up the pain. Yep.

Nitpicks:

"How can you say 'she's my best friend' and leav me out" Waaaaait. Leave you out of WHAT?

"I'm falln' to pieces over you" Hon that is super duper cliche. And I know you are way more original than that.

The last stanza seems a bit forced. As if you had trouble closing this. I think the word fake doesnt fit. Maybe failed? Not sure, this is yours. Also, maybe the wording on the last two lines was a teensy bit off. Maybe "pretendin' that I'm stil __[insert good word like standin']__ \ though you've taken all my strength" just suggestions.

Of course i can totally relate. It is frustrating when you want someone to notice your shattered but no one does. You really did good, and really my nitpicks are personal prefrences. This is your poem, not mine.

I really enjoyed this! The format was interesting and exciting and flowed nicely. Here's what I noticed:

There's a lump in my throat that just won't go Could you maybe put 'that just won't go' down next to 'away' to make the line longer?
Away
No matter how much I pray

Because you don't want me, you don't need me
You can't even see how I'm suffering and
You'll never know how much time
I've spent cryin' over you in the bathroom
Thinkin', 'What should I do?'
'Cuz why should I tell you how I feel
If you don't care?
Just doesn't seem fair I like this line!
How you say, "She's my best friend" and leave me out and the worst part is 'out' rhymes with 'shout of the next line, so maybe you could make 'and the worst part is' into it's own line. Cutting it would work too, but I like that line.
You don't even see how it makes me wanna shout
"What am I then? I thought you were my friend!"
But evidently I'm not as important to you as I thought I was
Guess that Why is this line so short?
All the love and the gifts and the talking and the texting and hugs.
Meant nothing to you. This line is cool.
Now what am I supposed to do?
I'm fallin' to pieces over you
And you don't even notice so I take that to mean
That you don't even care.

So I'll smile and I'll wear
This fake air of indifference
Pretendin' like this doesn't hurt me
No matter how painful it becomes. The ending is awesome!!

Overall, this was really cool! To me it sounds sort of like a song. This has great emotion to it and I loved reading it. Keep up the good work and keep writing!!

I like the jagged nature and lack of structure. It very acurately depicts the mindset of someone who is upset, so cootos there. Because your going with the whole stream of conciousness thing, it would probably be better as one big paragraph. The tiny stanzas at the beggining and end just ruin the flow. Also I love the accessablitlity of the laguage-- its very real. Great poem!

Honestly, I can't think of any nitpicks because I was too busy relating.I feel the same, but the guy has no idea I exist. I think this was very easily relatable, and well written. Keep writing and good luck!

Hey hey hey.

Something about this poem was just a bit off for some reason. I think it was because of your unique and interesting way of writing poetry. You like to make stanzas as long as you feel needed and as short as you feel needed. Then again, you have to know the rules to break the rules.

There's a lump in my throat that just won't go
Away
No matter how much I pray

Because you don't want me, you don't need me
You can't even see how I'm suffering and
You'll never know how much time
I've spent cryin' over you in the bathroom
Thinkin', 'What should I do?'
'Cuz why should I tell you how I feel
If you don't care?
Just doesn't seem fair
How you say, "She's my best friend" and leave me out and the worst part is
You don't even see how it makes me wanna shout
"What am I then? I thought you were my friend!"
But evidently I'm not as important to you as I thought I was
Guess that
All the love and the gifts and the talking and the texting and hugs.
Meant nothing to you.
Now what am I supposed to do?
I'm fallin' to pieces over you
And you don't even notice so I take that to mean
That you don't even care. I like that this didn't all rhyme. It has a unique sort of tune to it.

So I'll smile and I'll wear
This fake air of indifference
Pretendin' like this doesn't hurt me
No matter how painful it becomes. Put on a smile and fake it. Just like so many people do today. Awesome job at relating to people today in this poem.

This poem seems like it can relate to a lot of people. Awesome job.

I can give you some tips on how you should divide your stanzas.

There's a lump in my throat that just won't go Away
No matter how much I pray

Because you don't want me,
you don't need me
You can't even see how I'm suffering and
You'll never know how much time
I've spent cryin' over you in the bathroom
Thinkin', 'What should I do?'

'Cuz why should I tell you how I feel
If you don't care?
Just doesn't seem fair

How you say, "She's my best friend" and leave me out and the worst part is
You don't even see how it makes me wanna shout
"What am I then? I thought you were my friend!"

But evidently I'm not as important to you as I thought I was
Guess that All the love and the gifts and
the talking and the texting and hugs,
Meant nothing to you.

Now what am I supposed to do?
I'm fallin' to pieces over you
And you don't even notice so I take that to mean
That you don't even care.

So I'll smile and I'll wear
This fake air of indifference
Pretendin' like this doesn't hurt me
No matter how painful it becomes.

I'm sorry I didn't make them even, but I didn't really see a way to make them even unless you just did four lines each.

Beautiful poem. I think many people can relate to this. Although I'm not sure why the slang was intentional. It would make sense if that was your character, but I don't see why you would need to develop your character for a poem. Or maybe you had your own reasons. Readers don't always know what an author's thinking when they write poetry, so most of they time they just have to guess:)

Hi there,

I absolutely loved the amazing description in all of this and I loved the truth in it. Every word was well thought out and the end result was the most incredible thing some one could possibly write. I was so blown away reading this and it's certainly something I can relate to because it's so interesting to read and everything about it is beautiful, simple and true. I have nothing negative to say about this because it's so cool! Nothing in this was written without thought and you are obviously an amazing writer.

From CuteJackRussell

I do absolutely love it. The lack of structure really draws me to the poem. However the 'falling to pieces' is very cliche. I mean, there is a lot of other ways you can put it in that aren't cliche, but I guess that it can give a visual of someone collapsing. I can relate to it, and I don't reccommend explaining why. After all, it should be able to relate to a lot of people.

I don't really have anything new to point out (after all, the people above pointed out everything) but good job!

Wow very emotional. it had a good sense of heartbreak and rejection. I just had an issue with the rhythm is all. It wasn't regular, the rhyming didn't seem forced or anything but I just felt the pattern was all off. Especially since it is lyrical poetry, which is meant to have good rhythm. Other than that this was just fine. very nice work.

well, first off, I really liked this ^_^ it was emotional, yet not too cliche, and very interesting xD

I'm afraid to say, although stargazer9927 split your stanzas up for you, which was brilliant of her, it completly threw of the rhyme scheme in places, here's how it should (in my opinion ) go:

animekaratepup wrote:
There's a lump in my throat that just won't go away,
no matter how much I pray.

Because you don't want me,
you don't need me,
you can't even see how I'm suffering now.

You'll never know how much time I've spent,
cryin' over you in the bathroom,
thinkin', 'What should I do?'

'Cuz why should I tell you how I feel,
If you don't reallycare?
Just doesn't seem fair.

so, here, the line 'Just doesn't seem fair' is it refering to the person not caring, or leaving them out? You need to make it obvious to know what stanza to attach it to, I think 'how you say' sounds strange without this, yet 'fair' rhymes with 'care', so it leaves me confused, I'm going to change it how I think it should be, but if I'm wrong, well, you need to sort it out...

When you say, "She's my best friend" and leave me out,
the worst part is, you don't even see how it makes me wanna shout;
"What am I then? I thought you were my friend!"

But evidently I'm not as important to you as I thought I was,
guess that all the love, the gifts, talking, texting and hugs,
Meant nothing to you.

Now what am I supposed to do?
I'm fallin' to pieces over you,
and you don't even notice,
I take that to mean, that you don't even care.

So I'll smile and I'll wear
This fake air of indifference
Pretendin' like this doesn't hurt me
No matter how painful it becomes.

There, simple wasn't it?

Keep up the writing!

~Tinkem

This was like woah! That was amazing ^^ Good job anime keep up the good work!!!! I really loved this and I can't find anything wrong that no one has picked out already so yay! Keep up the good work and I hope to read more of your works soon!!!! Love it and Happy Review Day!!!! Happy Writing and best of lucks.
Soulkana<3

Overall an okay poem, however there are many things that I feel could be improved upon. I will colour these in red and put my suggestions beside them in bold.

animekaratepup wrote:There's a lump in my throat that just won't go
Away
No matter how much I pray I like the idea, but the rhyming seems forced and the flow is broken, you could improve this stanza by more words and description to the last line.

Because you don't want me,
you don't need me I want your bad... your bad romance. >.< Sorry but when I read these lines 'Bad Romance' by Lady Gaga just came into head.
You can't even see how I'm suffering and
You'll never know how much time
I've spent cryin' over you in the bathroom
Thinkin', 'What should I do?' Again, I can't seem to find a flow.

'Cuz why should I tell you how I feel Ewww please not a 'cuz! 'Cause at the very least would sound better
If you don't care?
ItJust doesn't seem fair I added the 'it' to make it more properly English. ^^

How you say, "She's my best friend" and leave me out and the worst part is
You don't even see how it makes me wanna shout
"What am I then? I thought you were my friend!"

But evidently I'm not as important to you as I thought I was
I Guess that The line will be rounded more if you add in a person.
All the love and the gifts and
the talking and the texting and hugs,
Meant nothing to you.

Now what am I supposed to do?
I'm fallin' to pieces over you
And you don't even notice so I take that to mean
That you don't even care.

So I'll smile and I'll wear
This fake air of indifference I like this.
Pretendin' like this doesn't hurt me
No matter how painful it becomes.

I realise that I've been quite harsh, but it's only because I know that this poem has potential. You just need to build a rhythm and a beat to the poem so that is easier to read. It also would be nice to fix the rhyme scheme which seems a bit all over the place at present.

Keep Writing,

~Crimson

animekaratepup wrote:There's a lump in my throat that just won't go
Away Keep away in the previous line itself. Goes with the flow and the rhyme.
No matter how much I pray

Because you don't want me,
you don't need me
You can't even see how I'm suffering and
You'll never know how much time
I've spent cryin' over you in the bathroom
Thinkin', 'What should I do?'

'Cuz why should I tell you how I feel Why did you use 'Cuz over here? Its totally unnecessary over here. Even without it the line goes pretty well.
If you don't care?
Just doesn't seem fair What isn't fair? The non-caring?

How you say, "She's my best friend" and leave me out and the worst part is Too long. Totally breaks the flow.
You don't even see how it makes me wanna shout
"What am I then? I thought you were my friend!"

But evidently I'm not as important to you as I thought I was
Guess that Now I guess that
All the love and the gifts and
the talking and the texting and hugs, So many ands. It feels a bit odd while reading.
Meant nothing to you.

Now what am I supposed to do?
I'm fallin' to pieces over you
And you don't even notice so I take that to mean
That you don't even care. You already said that once, didn't you?

So I'll smile and I'll wear
This fake air of indifference
Pretendin' like this doesn't hurt me
No matter how painful it becomes. Favorite stanza.

Sorry for the crappy review, Pup. I am exhausted now.
I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing. (:

"You'll never know how much time
I've spent cryin' over you in the bathroom
Thinkin', 'What should I do?'

'Cuz why should I tell you how I feel
If you don't care?
Just doesn't seem fair

How you say, "She's my best friend" and leave me out and the worst part is
You don't even see how it makes me wanna shout
"What am I then? I thought you were my friend!""

Overall, the feel of the poem was okay. I feel like you didn't really plan out the words, though - you just kind of threw them out on the keyboard and didn't control your feelings. I do that all the time. I feel so strongly a certain way that I just pour out my feelings and don't think twice about how the words sound. That's why I would read this over a few more times and make the timing less awkward, especially in the lines I've repeated above. Also, the words "cryin'" and "'cuz" sound very young and inexperienced.