Hero's Army

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Alright, so this is extremely rough, and has no action in it. Sorry, but I promise it gets better. Please don't be too harsh with the story line, as it's taken me a long time to finally find something I want to stick with, but go to town on the grammar. =p I'm not always the best when it comes to that. I know my prologue doesn't really have a purpose, but for some reason I always write them like this, so let me know if I really need to get rid of it. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this, and know that it's definitely a work in progress. Also, there will be fantasy in it later on, but for now I posted it in General Fiction because there isn't really any of that going on at this point in time. Thanks!


Prologue:
I’m afraid of starting this. Afraid that once I start, I won’t finish. I’ll get to scared, and discard this wonderful piece of work. Once they realize I’m writing this, they won’t let me go. They will hunt me down until I’m dead.
It’s not my fault this whole thing got so messed up. I was the one trying to fix things when they decided to go and screw it all. Figures. Those numbskulls have no idea how to use the power they’ve been given.
But I’m here to set the story straight. ‘Cause it’s pretty damn confusing. I didn’t even know what was going on until it was too late. Hopefully, you’ll be warned, and when they come to recruit you, you’ll know better.
Be sure to make the right choice.

Chapter One:
I wanted to cry.
My hands were so cold they looked blue, and I could barely get them to function in the way I wanted them to. The flowers I was holding were shaking perceptively, and I tried to still them.
I straightened, tucking my long flimsy-bladed knife under my arm. The rubber band I was trying to fit around my bunch of fifteen daffodils fell to the ground when it snapped. I’d stretched the old thing too far.
Sighing, I reached into the pouch of the tool belt I had tied around my waist and pulled out another band. This one successful secured itself around the flower stems, and I let the bunch drop to the ground.
Sloshing through the river of puddles on the field towards the next patch of bright yellow buds turned out to be harder than I thought. Rubber boots or no, my feet were freezing. I could hardly walk anymore, a fact aided by the brisk wind that picked up, blowing my hood away from my head. My body instinctively shied away from the bone chilling breeze.
After a few more numbing minutes, I managed to cut enough of the sopping wet flowers to form another group. When that one was tied together, I decided enough was enough.
I trudged back up the row I’d been picking in, bending at the waist to snatch up the splotches of pale petals that signified my bunches. Finally, after I thought I’d gotten them all, I made my way back towards the boxes that were awkwardly stacked on top of each other.
The cardboard walls of the rectangular shapes were caving in, but I pushed them apart, carefully laying the product of my labor inside. I winced when I realized how small the amount was. Normally, in a span of three hours, I’d have picked around 150 bunches, but today I’d only gathered forty five in two.
As I stood to force my way through the flooded field once again, I heard the roar of an engine racing towards me. A sense of relief washed over me as I turned to see my bosses big black pick up truck revving his engine through the large mud puddles in the middle of the path leading towards where I was working.
“Time to go!” he shouted over the vehicle, and I smiled. Thank god. I’d been so close to just curling up in a ball and giving up.
“Alright,” I answered back as I flung my knife in the end of my half filled box and carried the soggy container towards the truck bed.
Once everything was loaded up, I leapt onto the back, gently shoving aside my bosses’ dog, Haley. I didn’t know what breed she was, but she was so darn cute I couldn’t help but pat her head a few times as I sat down on a tool box.
I shoved my hands deep into the pockets of my bright green coat, trying to warm them. By the time we got back to my car, my hands were more stiff than frozen solid.
“Hey, you going to work tomorrow?” my boss asked as he stepped out of the cab into the mud below.
“Um… probably not. It’s supposed to rain isn’t it?”
“Yeah, I guess so. If it’s pouring don’t bother to show up. Call me though if you decide not to come so that I’m not waiting for you by the green house.”
“Got it.” I nodded and began to walk back towards the tan Volkswagen my mom let me use. Before I could open my door, a streak of orange darted out from underneath and ran yowling back towards the long plastic covered building.
That freaking cat. When he was a kitten he used to sneak up on me all the time and try to eat my shoelaces. Now that he was a year and a half old, he deemed it necessary to upgrade to the more difficult task of scaring me to death.
I rolled my eyes and plopped myself down in the drivers seat. My little silver key with Yoshi from Super Mario Brother’s, and an elephant from when my mom went to Africa, slid easily into the ignition, and the car started without a problem.
Once I was on the road, I let my mind wander a little bit. The drive from the fields to my house wasn’t a long one, but it was a pretty straight shot, so I didn’t have to focus much.
I vowed I wasn’t ever going to do something like that again, but then, I’d also said that yesterday after work. And where was I today? Doing the same thing. I tended not to keep promises to myself.
Fingering the small gray rose that pierce my upper left ear, I absent mindedly flipped through radio stations, trying to find one that fitted my mood. So I yanked my MP3 out of my pocket, and even though I knew it was illegal, popped on of the head phones in my ear.
Music blared though the tiny speakers, and I relaxed, letting the sound wash over me. I was happy now that I was out of that place, and slowly starting to warm up.
Once I got home though, that bubble of contentment burst. My younger brother was arguing about his grades with my parents, and the air practically crackled with tension.
I tried to ignore it and just let myself into the bathroom, locking the door to the bathroom behind me. A hot shower was what I needed, and I wasn’t going to allow anyone to bother me until I was able to think clearly again.
The water was a calming force for me. I just stood there, letting the hot liquid pound onto my face as I felt my fingers and toes tingle back to life. This was what kept me from completely spazzing out while at work. I just kept telling myself, think how nice the shower will be.
I groped around for a towel, keeping the nozzle spraying on my face right until the creamy white fabric reached the stream.
Once I was out and dressed, I carefully brushed my long blonde hair back into a low pony tail. My pajama bottoms drug through the puddles the water had created on the pale tile floor, forcing me to stop and wring them out before I entered the kitchen.
I ate my typical vegetarian meal, and then went up to my room to start working on my homework. After several hours of frustration, I gave up and flung my books on the floor, shutting my light off as I tossed and turned, staring at my ceiling with wide open eyes. It took me forever to sleep.
But once I did, I didn’t dream a single time. I never did.

P.S. I've come to realize this is really choppy... I'll make sure to fix that and repost. Also, I just realized I posted in short stories instead of novels. =O Sorry...
Xx This side of mortality is
scaring me to death
to death xX

-The Temper Trap: Soldier On




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Hi!

Okay. You said there were going to be more parts to this, and I'm glad because I have absolutely no idea what could happen next. This was a nice introduction, but I want to know more. Overall, the description was pretty good, but I couldn't really find any emotion.

Overall though, nice job! :)
Forever for All <3

MUSIC RULES! :)

Everyday is Earth Day! :D




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I liked the way you started it. You got my attention immediately, and I was quite curious. Afraid of starting what? Good job, your starting sentence (and paragraph) was mysterious and interesting.

While you say the prologue has no purpose, I think you would do best to keep it in. It's a well written introduction that lures the reader in. We're curious, intrigued. What got messed up? Why is the story needing to be set straight - why is it confusing? I definitely had a lot of questions, and the good sort of questions, not the 'what-the-heck-is-happening-I'm-confused' sort.

You also started the chapter well. You keep adding to my list of questions, darnit. x)

Grammar nitpick: " my bosses " should be "my boss's." Also, you repeat "my boss" a lot; I'd suggest giving us a name.

I was confused when the narrator started going on about vowing to not do something again. Umm, what? This was not a good kind of question; I was honestly confused. Elaborate, please.

I'm still interested in the story, and would like to see where it goes. Keep writing!




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Hi there!

I really liked this, especially the beginning. The prologue dragged me in straight away, and the start of the first chapter intruiged me too: someone picking bunches of flowers in a field is definitly different to what you'd usually find at the start of a book. Different in a good way, of course. :]

This one successfulsecured itself around the flower stems


*sucessfully

The beginning of the chapter is full of good and realistic imagary, and I could definitly feel the MC's desparation at working in the cold. However, from when she gets in her mum's car onwards, I feel there's a lack of emotion, somehow. I couldn't really feel for the MC anymore. Maybe to help this you could expand on certain bits of more importance, and take away details that don't add much to the story. For example, here:

I rolled my eyes and plopped myself down in the drivers seat. My little silver key with Yoshi from Super Mario Brother’s, and an elephant from when my mom went to Africa, slid easily into the ignition, and the car started without a problem.


I feel there's too much detail for a first chapter, which you could maybe shift her to later on in the story.

Once I got home though, that bubble of contentment burst. My younger brother was arguing about his grades with my parents, and the air practically crackled with tension.


Whereas here, you've got a more interesting subject that, with a bit more detail, could help with intruiging the reader that little bit more. For me, the MC's family is more interesting than her car keys, and knowing more about them would help the reader to get to know the MC better.

So overall, the storyline is actually looking very good, I'm interested to know where you'll go with this. I especially liked the prologue, it left me with lots of questions (in a good way) :) All in all, a very good start!

Keep writing, and hope I helped!

~Lilicia
“Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale.”

~Hans Christan Andersen




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Well, you ask us not to mess with the storyline, but so far there's nothing to even hint with the storyline might be. The prologue definitely does a decent job of getting us to ask questions, but Chapter 1 only gets us to ask the question, "...Is that it?"

Besides being cold, we don't really know much of anything about your narrator. Nothing much about the personality. Not that I want you to outright say "This is my personality" but so far all we gathered was the cold and the cat and the shower. Those events told us a little about the narrator's attitude.

Nitpick:
trying to find one that fitted my mood

"trying to find one that fit my mood" is the proper wording. "Fit" can already be past tense on its own. "Fitted" is like getting fitted for a suit or something.

My pajama bottoms drug through the puddles the water had created on the pale tile floor

"dragged" not "drug."

Once I was out and dressed, I carefully brushed my long blonde hair back into a low pony tail. My pajama bottoms drug through the puddles the water had created on the pale tile floor, forcing me to stop and wring them out before I entered the kitchen.
I ate my typical vegetarian meal, and then went up to my room to start working on my homework. After several hours of frustration, I gave up and flung my books on the floor, shutting my light off as I tossed and turned, staring at my ceiling with wide open eyes. It took me forever to sleep.

Here, you flood us with a barrage of mundane descriptions. They're told rather in a rather bland way without any flavor or any voice from you as the author. Just...everyday, boring activities.

The first chapter of a story is supposed to do at least one of a few things:
1) establish your characters (personality, attitude, etc)
2) establish setting
3) establish your voice as a writer
4) lure the reader in somehow (by your interesting language, give a direction to the story, etc)

But so far, all we have is
1) your character exists and does some work with plants (not sure if it's because your character loves plants or is strapped for cash or what)
2) the setting is...a house and a swamp sort of thing?
3) your language is very straightforward without much flavor
4) we know nothing about the story

Soo, I think your first biggest points are to inject some life into your writing and to flesh our your character for us.




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Thanks for the reviews! Sargsauce, I realize there isn't much of a story line yet, its only chapter one, so I'll definitely be going more into detail later. Also, it's supposed to be mundane, and everyday, because it's showing what her life is like without coming right out and saying it. xoCario, I'm glad you liked the prologue, and Amfliflier, I'm also working on adding more emotion to this, so thank you for the suggestion!
Xx This side of mortality is
scaring me to death
to death xX

-The Temper Trap: Soldier On



you ever say spidgit finner unironically?
— FireEyes