Chapter 1 - Not-yet-named book

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1. DISTURBED
Adrianna

Distant familiar memories flashed through my head sending emotions of both happiness and sadness, mostly sadness through me. Images of a newborn baby with distinct brown eyes smiling and crying flashed through my head like a slideshow of photos on a computer.
But then the images changed and became more vivid and real. Images of dismembered blood soaked bodies now filled my mind. I could feel nothing except the sharp unbearable pain that was slowly increasing in my left wrist. The weird tattoo on the underside my left wrist, which has been there like ever since I was born started burning. Like gasoline exposed to fire. It felt like an instant explosion of pain in my left wrist.
I jumped out of my bed as if I had been electrocuted. Beads of sweat covered my forehead. I ran to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. Relief flooded over me.
I looked in the mirror and found a white pale face with brown eyes and long, straight dark hair staring back at me with a seen-a-ghost-and-maybe-something-worse kind of expression.
“Everything is gonna be fine.” I assured my reflection.
I came out of the bathroom and put on my bathrobe, wore my slippers and went to the window of my room. I pushed it open and climbed onto on to the roof of the front porch and sat over there for god only knows how much time.
Sitting in the night on the roof was a time when I could sort out all my problems however major they were. The dark night, the twinkling stars and the natural calm settled over the surroundings just gave me the kind of comfort that I occasionally needed. Especially in the middle of the night when you have been woken up by scary and freaky dreams or rather extremely vivid gross and ghastly images.
I sit almost everyday at night on the roof mostly in the middle of the night so that dad cannot find out and I don’t get grounded or anything. But that does not mean that dad has not busted me. Dad is very overprotective. Once he caught me sitting on the roof at two in the morning and that was it. I was grounded for a whole goddamn week.
So this is I, Adrianna Zoross. A normal seventeen-year-old girl with normal teenage needs. I have a dad who is very overprotective because my mom died a month after I was born.
I turned my head around to look at the window through which I had come out on the roof and saw that my big black Great Dane, Saber, was leaning out of the window by supporting himself on his big front paws on the window sill and trying to lean his head out as much as possible. I ignored him at first as I knew he wouldn’t bark or whine or anything because he wasn’t the barking type. So I did not get back inside my room to shoo him away. Instead I just kept staring at the black starlit sky
And then I heard him whine. I ignored it. Then I heard another whine. Then another. Each time he whined, it grew louder decibel-by-decibel.
That’s it he’s dead. If I get grounded I’ll kill him and bury him in the forbidden part of Woodlock’. I thought as I got up reluctantly and got back inside before Saber’s whining woke up dad and got me grounded.
I quickly got into bed before dad could catch me and just lay there. . I did not want to sleep because I would again get the images of blood-soaked dismembered bodies in my head.
So I just lay there staring at the ceiling above hoping that I would fall asleep. Sleep came eventually and I did not get those ghastly dreams or whatever they were.
That was the best sleep I had got in weeks.

* * * * * *
My ‘Donald Duck’ digital clock rang at sharp 7a.m without fail. And so I got out of bed and changed fast and went downstairs to the kitchen to fix myself breakfast.
Dad was already up and ready, reading the newspaper while sipping coffee from a big mug. I gave Saber his doggie food in his bowl, which he gobbled in no time. I fixed myself a bowl of my favorite Chocó’s and some milk. I went and sat on the three-person table opposite dad.
“Why was Saber whining last night?” Dad asked me.
So he had heard.
“I dunno.” I answered. “Maybe because I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. You know how he misses my company.”
I ate in silence wishing he would not ask more about last night. My dad is a psychologist with the Woodlock Police. He is in the homicide section. And so because of this he is dangerously observant.
I finished eating and rinsed the dishes even though Rita, our housekeeper, was going to do that.
I took my bag and my Prussian blue jacket and left the house after a quick bye to dad.
The weather was very windy but not chilly. Woodlock is a place where the weather was always pleasant and a jacket is a must. In this matter my Prussian blue hoodie jacket is my partner.
I went to the garage where my Bug and dad’s Honda Pilot was parked.
I got into my Bug and drove off to school. I reached school and parked my car where the other cars were parked. I got out of my car and started to walk towards the school entrance like the other students. My best friend Rachel was standing, as usual, at the entrance waiting for me.
I reached her at last and said, “Hi. Where is your better half?”
She flicked her curly red hair in a very dramatic kind of manner.
“Jeff has not yet come. I think he’s gonna be late.” She said in a pissed-off manner, her hazel eyes narrowing further confirming her dark mood.
Jeff is Rachel’s boyfriend and the two have been dating for good three months. He is the weirdest person I have ever seen. He has these weird star-shaped side locks and to top it off he has golden blonde hair and yellow eyes. The first time I met him I freaked out so bad that it took all of Rachel’s patience to stop me from laughing every time I looked at him.
Me? I am the never-had-a-boyfriend-kind of teenager.
“I think we better go inside. We don’t want to be late ‘cause of him.” I said as a matter-of-factly.
We went inside the school building to be greeted by the ‘Skinnies’, the two stick insects aka Teen Royalty standing in front of Rachel and me blocking our way to the corridors and our lockers. They had no flesh and muscle and I swear I could see their bones over which the transparent skin stretched.
We ignored them and went into the corridors, straight to our lockers.
Most of the girls would love to get close to the ‘Skinnies’ but Rachel and me always stayed away from them. Not because we were social rejects but because we just did not like to indulge in their stupid antics.
I took out my timetable and my Animal Physiology book, which was my first class.
Rachel and me went together for our class to the Bio lab. Rachel and I shared only two classes together. Animal Physiology and Gym.
Mr. Ray had not yet come into the class. All the students were sitting in their usual places; some throwing paper balls across the room, some just talking or some just texting like freaks from their mobile phones.
Surprisingly we saw Jeff sitting in one of the seats with an empty seat beside him, obviously meant for Rachel. Rachel gave me a smile and went to sit with him. I went to the back of the class where there were two empty seats and sat.
Mr. Ray entered the class wearing his usual Harris Tweed jacket and his bulging belly looking even huger, bringing in with him the smell of fresh lilies and freesias. I had once mentioned this to Rachel but she said that she had never quite noticed that.
He cleared his throat and said, “I want absolute silence in the class while I teach. If someone makes the slightest noise, I will make sure that they do not enter my class till the term ends.”
Everyone was silent at once.
Suddenly a guy entered the class wearing a loose sweatshirt and jeans with his books in one hand. He was quite tall. I mean, I’m 5’7 and this guy was like 6’3. He went Mr. Ray and whispered something in his ear.
“Ah yes. Students this is Alec Ross. He has come to Woodlock from Hostwood. I hope you’ll make him feel welcome.” Mr. Ray said in that booming voice of his.
We in turn answered with a monotonous ‘Yes’.
‘Alec’ came towards my desk to sit on the empty seat beside me. I noticed that he had dark hair and bright blue green eyes. He reaches my desk and sat beside me setting his books. I looked at Rachel and she gave me a he’s-perfect-for-you look. I ignored her.
The class began. Mr. Ray started teaching the structure of the brain. Basically the part of the brain controlling and coordinating muscular activity. The ‘Cerebellum’.
I was concentrating on the topic being taught but then suddenly I was sucked into another person’s mind with an irresistible force. And in that world I was standing on snow and it was snowing softly. The first question which came to my mind was, ‘what the hell am I doing here?’
“Mistress, I have gathered the few remaining mortal vampires who have refused to come in agreement with you.” A man’s voice came behind me.
The only thing I had figured out was that I was actually seeing through someone’s eyes. And that ‘someone’ was a ‘she’ and ‘she’ was turning around to face the man behind. The man in front of me was indescribable. His long platinum hair seemed to glow amidst the snowy background. He seemed ageless. He could have been around my age but then he could also have been fifty years old and have looked the same. But the only one wrong thing about his face were his eyes. They were blank. Devoid of any colour. His irises were white.
“Very well Zarkos. Bring them to me.” This time the voice came from me or more like from the lady in whose head I was stuck in with some strong bond-like force. ‘She’ said. Her voice was like wind chimes.
Two men similar to the ‘Zarkos’ guy came with a group of people or more like vampires. There were five of them in total counting the three kids. I guessed them to be parents with their three kids.
“What’s the matter, mommy?” one of the kid vampires asked his mother.
“Nothing sweetie. Just close your eyes.” The mother assured her kid. The kid closed his eyes obeying his mother.
I wanted to scream and tell them to run away because obviously something really terrible was going to happen to them. But obviously I could not.
“Since you all have refused to join in an agreement with me with my promise of immortality, you have made my choice inevitable.” ‘She ‘ said in a very chilly manner.
Suddenly I felt a tornado of heat and power built up inside myself. The feel of this power felt like I was on a high. ‘She’ raised her arms pointing it in the direction where the vampires were standing huddled together. I saw black clouds from my arms go and swirl around them until they were fully cloaked. I didn’t understand what was happening until I saw mist rising from he dark clouds. The ear piercing screams also started. ‘She’ was killing the vampires by burning them with fire. That is the reason I had felt so much heat build up inside me.
The sight of the burning vampires was making me nauseous and I needed to get out of ‘her’ mind. But how?
A sharp jab in my ribs and the pain following it suddenly made the burning sight of the vampires disappear. I was back I my seat next to Alec in Mr. Ray’s class. Disoriented I looked at Alec and around the class. I noted that Mr. Ray was now teaching about the ‘medulla oblongata’. The part of the brain that controls the heart and the lungs.
“Okay, pop quiz. You, Miss Zoross.” Pointing at me with his finger, “Which part of the brain do you think controls the human behavior?”
I remember dad had had told me something about the frontal lobe and behavior. And so I answered with uncertainty.
“Um. The frontal lobe, I guess.”
“Well your answer is correct. I would appreciate if you looked more attentive in the class.” He said.
“Yes sir.” I answered.
And that is how the class ended with the bell ringing loud, as it always did, as if nothing had happened back in the class.




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Distant familiar memories flashed through my head sending emotions of both happiness and sadness, mostly sadness through me. Images of a newborn baby with distinct brown eyes smiling and crying flashed, I would try to find a different word or rephrase the sentence since you already used flashed in the first sentence. through my head like a slideshow of photos on a computer.
But, I wouldn't start a sentence with and if I do I try and rephrase it without using it first. then the images changed and became more vivid and real. Images of dismembered, blood soaked bodies now filled my mind. I could feel nothing except the sharp unbearable pain that was slowly increasing in my left wrist. The weird tattoo on the underside my left wrist, which has been there like ever since I was born started burning. Like gasoline exposed to fire. It felt like an instant explosion of pain in my left wrist.
I jumped out of my bed as if I had been electrocuted. Beads of sweat covered my forehead. I ran to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. Relief flooded over me.
I looked in the mirror and found a white pale face with brown eyes and long, straight dark hair staring back at me with a seen-a-ghost-and-maybe-something-worse kind of expression.
“Everything is gonna be fine.” I assured my reflection.
I came out of the bathroom and put on my bathrobe, wore my slippers and went to the window of my room. I pushed it open and climbed onto on to the roof of the front porch and sat over there for god only knows how much time.
Sitting in the night on the roof was a time when I could sort out all my problems however major they were. The dark night, the twinkling stars and the natural calm settled over the surroundings just gave me the kind of comfort that I occasionally needed. Especially in the middle of the night when you have been woken up by scary and freaky dreams or rather extremely vivid gross and ghastly images.
I sit almost everyday at night on the roof mostly in the middle of the night so that dad cannot find out and I don’t get grounded or anything. But You could just use That that does not mean that don't need this that it sounds fine just being does not mean dad dad has not busted me. Dad is very overprotective. Once he caught me sitting on the roof at two in the morning and that was it. I was grounded for a whole goddamn week.
So this is I, Adrianna Zoross. A normal seventeen-year-old girl with normal teenage needs. I have a dad who is very overprotective because my mom died a month after I was born.
I turned my head around to look at the window through which I had come out on the roof and saw that my big black Great Dane, Saber, was leaning out of the window by supporting himself on his big front paws on the window sill and trying to lean his head out as much as possible. I ignored him at first as I knew he wouldn’t bark or whine or anything because he wasn’t the barking type. So I did not get back inside my room to shoo him away. Instead I just kept staring at the black starlit sky
And then I heard him whine. I ignored it. Then I heard another whine. Then another. Each time he whined, it grew louder decibel-by-decibel.
That’s it he’s dead. If I get grounded I’ll kill him and bury him in the forbidden part of Woodlock’. comma I thought as I got up reluctantly and got went would be better; repetition back inside before Saber’s whining woke up dad and got me grounded.
I quickly got into bed before dad could catch me and just lay there. . don't need the extra period I did not want to sleep because I would again get the images of blood-soaked dismembered bodies in my head.
So I just lay there staring at the ceiling above hoping that I would fall asleep. Sleep came eventually and I did not get those ghastly dreams or whatever they were.
That was the best sleep I had got in weeks.

* * * * * *
My ‘Donald Duck’ digital clock rang at sharp 7a.m without fail. And So I got out of bed and changed fast and went downstairs to the kitchen to fix myself breakfast.
Dad was already up and ready, reading the newspaper while sipping coffee from a big mug. I gave Saber his doggie food in his bowl, which he gobbled in no time. I fixed myself a bowl of my favorite Chocó’s and some milk. I went and sat on the three-person table opposite dad.
“Why was Saber whining last night?” Dad asked me.
So he had heard.
“I dunno.” I answered. “Maybe because I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. You know how he misses my company.”
I ate in silence wishing he would not ask more about last night. My dad is a psychologist with the Woodlock Police. He is in the homicide section, And so because of this he is dangerously observant.
I finished eating and rinsed the dishes even though Rita, our housekeeper, was going to do that.
I took my bag and my Prussian blue jacket and left the house after a quick bye to dad.
The weather was very windy but not chilly. Woodlock is a place where the weather was always pleasant and a jacket is a must. In this matter my Prussian blue hoodie jacket is my partner.
I went to the garage where my Bug and dad’s Honda Pilot was parked.
I got into my Bug and drove off to school. I reached school and parked my car where the other cars were parked. I got out of my car and started to walk towards the school entrance like the other students. My best friend Rachel was standing, as usual, at the entrance waiting for me.
I reached her at last and said, “Hi. Where is your better half?”
She flicked her curly red hair in a very dramatic kind of manner.
“Jeff has not yet come. I think he’s gonna be late.” She said in a pissed-off manner, her hazel eyes narrowing further confirming her dark mood.
Jeff is Rachel’s boyfriend and the two have been dating for good three months. He is the weirdest person I have ever seen. He has these weird star-shaped side locks and to top it off he has golden blonde hair and yellow eyes. The first time I met him I freaked out so bad that it took all of Rachel’s patience to stop me from laughing every time I looked at him.
Me? I am the never-had-a-boyfriend-kind of teenager.
“I think we better go inside. We don’t want to be late ‘cause of him.” I said as a matter-of-factly.
We went inside the school building to be greeted by the ‘Skinnies’, the two stick insects aka Teen Royalty standing in front of Rachel and me blocking our way to the corridors and our lockers. They had no flesh and muscle and I swear I could see their bones over which the transparent skin stretched.
We ignored them and went into the corridors, straight to our lockers.
Most of the girls would love to get close to the ‘Skinnies’ but Rachel and me always stayed away from them. Not because we were social rejects but because we just did not like to indulge in their stupid antics.
I took out my timetable and my Animal Physiology book, which was my first class.
Rachel and me went together for our class to the Bio lab. Rachel and I shared only two classes together. Animal Physiology and Gym.
Mr. Ray had not yet come into the class. All the students were sitting in their usual places; some throwing paper balls across the room, some just talking or some just texting like freaks from their mobile phones.
Surprisingly, we saw Jeff sitting in one of the seats with an empty seat beside him, obviously meant for Rachel. Rachel gave me a smile and went to sit with him. I went to the back of the class where there were two empty seats and sat.
Mr. Ray entered the class wearing his usual Harris Tweed jacket and his bulging belly looking even huger, bringing in with him the smell of fresh lilies and freesias. I had once mentioned this to Rachel but she said that she had never quite noticed that.
He cleared his throat and said, “I want absolute silence in the class while I teach. If someone makes the slightest noise, I will make sure that they do not enter my class till the term ends.”
Everyone was silent at once.
Suddenly a guy entered the class wearing a loose sweatshirt and jeans with his books in one hand. He was quite tall. I mean, I’m 5’7 and this guy was like 6’3. He went Mr. Ray and whispered something in his ear.
“Ah yes. Students this is Alec Ross. He has come to Woodlock from Hostwood. I hope you’ll make him feel welcome.” Mr. Ray said in that booming voice of his.
We in turn answered with a monotonous ‘Yes’.
‘Alec’ came towards my desk to sit on the empty seat beside me. I noticed that he had dark hair and bright blue green eyes. He reaches my desk and sat beside me setting his books. I looked at Rachel and she gave me a he’s-perfect-for-you look. I ignored her.
The class began. Mr. Ray started teaching the structure of the brain. Basically the part of the brain controlling and coordinating muscular activity. The ‘Cerebellum’.
I was concentrating on the topic being taught but then suddenly I was sucked into another person’s mind with an irresistible force. And in that world I was standing on snow and it was snowing softly. The first question which came to my mind was, ‘what the hell am I doing here?’
“Mistress, I have gathered the few remaining mortal vampires who have refused to come in agreement with you.” A man’s voice came behind me.
The only thing I had figured out was that I was actually seeing through someone’s eyes. And that ‘someone’ was a ‘she’ and ‘she’ was turning around to face the man behind. The man in front of me was indescribable. His long platinum hair seemed to glow amidst the snowy background. He seemed ageless. He could have been around my age but then he could also have been fifty years old and have looked the same. But the only one wrong thing about his face were his eyes. They were blank. Devoid of any colour. His irises were white.
“Very well Zarkos. Bring them to me.” This time the voice came from me or more like from the lady in whose head I was stuck in with some strong bond-like force. ‘She’ said. Her voice was like wind chimes.
Two men similar to the ‘Zarkos’ guy came with a group of people or more like vampires. There were five of them in total counting the three kids. I guessed them to be parents with their three kids.
“What’s the matter, mommy?” one of the kid vampires asked his mother.
“Nothing sweetie. Just close your eyes.” The mother assured her kid. The kid closed his eyes obeying his mother.
I wanted to scream and tell them to run away because obviously something really terrible was going to happen to them. But obviously I could not.
“Since you all have refused to join in an agreement with me with my promise of immortality, you have made my choice inevitable.” ‘She ‘ said in a very chilly manner.
Suddenly I felt a tornado of heat and power built up inside myself. The feel of this power felt like I was on a high. ‘She’ raised her arms pointing it in the direction where the vampires were standing huddled together. I saw black clouds from my arms go and swirl around them until they were fully cloaked. I didn’t understand what was happening until I saw mist rising from he dark clouds. The ear piercing screams also started. ‘She’ was killing the vampires by burning them with fire. That is the reason I had felt so much heat build up inside me.
The sight of the burning vampires was making me nauseous and I needed to get out of ‘her’ mind. But how?
A sharp jab in my ribs and the pain following it suddenly made the burning sight of the vampires disappear. I was back I my seat next to Alec in Mr. Ray’s class. Disoriented I looked at Alec and around the class. I noted that Mr. Ray was now teaching about the ‘medulla oblongata’. The part of the brain that controls the heart and the lungs.
“Okay, pop quiz. You, Miss Zoross.” Pointing at me with his finger, “Which part of the brain do you think controls the human behavior?”
I remember dad had had told me something about the frontal lobe and behavior. And so I answered with uncertainty.
“Um. The frontal lobe, I guess.”
“Well your answer is correct. I would appreciate if you looked more attentive in the class.” He said.
“Yes sir.” I answered.
And that is how the class ended with the bell ringing loud, as it always did, as if nothing had happened back in the class.



Ok so I really loved this and I should point out: try not to start sentences with and or but. You can rephrase them into more detailed sentences. This makes it sound better. You can ignore this if you want XD its a pet peeve lols. My English teacher rammed it into my head and also the over use of that XD hahaha. Either way I hope this helps you and I truly loved it!!! I hope you write more soon. I can help with a title if you need but I'll need to read more to get a good hold on the plot so PM me when you update haha! Good luck and May you receive many helpful reviews!!!! Happy Writing!!!!
Soulkana<3
May the gentle moon take you into peaceful dreams. May the mighty sun brighten your new days.




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Distant, yet familiar memories flashed through my head sending mixed emotions through me; great sadness with a tinge of happiness Images of a newborn baby with distinct brown eyes smiling and crying flashed through my head like a slideshow of photos on a computer. Ooh, interesting.
But then the images changed and became more vivid and real. Images of dismembered blood soaked bodies now filled my mind. I could feel nothing except the sharp unbearable pain that was slowly increasing in my left wrist. The weird tattoo on the underside my left wrist, which has been there like ever since I was born, started burning, like gasoline exposed to fire. It felt like an explosion of agony, blazing through my veins.
I jumped out of my bed as if I had been electrocuted. Beads of sweat covered my forehead. I ran to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. Relief flooded over me.
I looked in the mirror and found a white pale face with brown eyes and long, straight dark hair staring back at me with a seen-a-ghost-and-maybe-something-worse kind of expression. More info on the person would be nice... more description. His/her thoughts as s/he sees himself? (at this point, not sure the gender, so...)
“Everything is gonna be fine.” I assured my reflection.
I came out of the bathroom and slipped on my bathrobe, put on my slippers (the original "put on" with the bathrobe was fine, but "slipped on my slippers" just sounded... well... weird)and went to the window of my room. I pushed it open and climbed onto on to the roof of the front porch and sat over there for god only knows how much time.
Sitting in the night on the roof was a time when I could sort out all my problems however major they were. The dark night, the twinkling stars and the natural calm settled over the surroundings, giving me the kind of comfort that I occasionally needed. Especially in the middle of the night when I'd just been woken up by scary and freaky dreams or rather extremely vivid, gross and ghastly images.
I sit almost everyday at night on the roof, mostly in the middle of the night so that Dad cannot find out and I don’t get grounded or anything. But that does not mean that dad has not busted me. Dad is very overprotective. Once he caught me sitting on the roof at two in the morning and that was it. I was grounded for a whole goddamn week.
So this is I, Adrianna Zoross. A normal seventeen-year-old girl with normal teenage needs. I have a dad who is very overprotective because my mom died a month after I was born. I honestly disliked the last three sentences. Reword or get rid of, please.
I turned my head around to look at the window through which I had come and saw that my big, black Great Dane, Saber, was leaning out of the window by supporting himself with his big front paws on the window sill. I ignored him at first as I knew he wouldn’t bark or make noise because he wasn’t the barking type. So I did not get back inside my room to shoo him away. Instead I just kept staring at the black starlit sky
And then I heard him whine. I ignored it. Then I heard another whine, followed by another. Each time he whined, it grew louder, decibel-by-decibel.
'That’s it, he’s dead,' I thought. 'If I get grounded I’ll kill him and bury him in the forbidden part of Woodlock’. Reluctantly, I got up and got back inside before Saber’s whining woke up dad and got me grounded. Got, got, got... find another word.
I quickly got into bed and just laid there. (Several times you've explained that she does not want her Dad to catch her; now the repetition is annoying) I did not want to sleep because I would again get the images of blood-soaked, dismembered bodies in my head.
So I just lay there staring at the ceiling above hoping that I would fall asleep. Sleep came eventually and I did not get those ghastly dreams or whatever they were. (So, so, so... same with got. Get a new word every once and a while.)
That was the best sleep I had got in weeks.

* * * * * *
My ‘Donald Duck’ digital clock rang at sharp seven am without fail. (For the most part, write out numbers, please) And so I got out of bed and changed fast and went downstairs to the kitchen to fix myself breakfast.
Dad was already up and ready, reading the newspaper while sipping coffee from a big mug. I gave Saber his doggie food in his bowl, which he gobbled in no time. I fixed myself a bowl of my favorite Chocó’s and some milk. I went and sat on the three-person table opposite dad. (Honestly... this paragraph was boring. D: )
“Why was Saber whining last night?” Dad asked me.
So he had heard.
“I dunno.” I answered. “Maybe because I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. You know how he misses my company.”
I ate in silence wishing he would not ask more about last night. My dad is a psychologist with the Woodlock Police. He is in the homicide section. Because of this, he is dangerously observant.
I finished eating and rinsed the dishes even though Rita, our housekeeper, was going to do that.
I took my bag and my Prussian blue jacket and left the house after a quick bye to dad.
The weather was very windy but not chilly. Woodlock is a place where the weather was always pleasant and a jacket is a must. In this matter my Prussian blue hoodie jacket is my partner.
I went to the garage where my Bug and dad’s Honda Pilot was parked.
I got into my Bug and drove off to school. I reached school and parked my car in the parking lot. I got out of my car and started to walk towards the school entrance like the other students. My best friend Rachel was standing, as usual, at the entrance waiting for me.
I reached her at last and said, “Hi. Where is your better half?”
She flicked her curly red hair in a very dramatic kind of manner.
“Jeff has not yet come. I think he’s gonna be late.” She said in a pissed-off manner, her hazel eyes narrowing further confirming her dark mood. (She's talking very formal, is this your intention? It doesn't seem to fit someone this age)
Jeff is Rachel’s boyfriend and the two have been dating for good three months. He is the weirdest person I have ever seen. He has these star-shaped side locks and to top it off he has golden blonde hair and yellow eyes. The first time I met him I freaked out so bad that it took all of Rachel’s patience to stop me from laughing every time I looked at him.
Me? I am the never-had-a-boyfriend-kind of teenager.
“I think we better go inside. We don’t want to be late ‘cause of him.” I said as a matter-of-factly.
We went inside the school building to be greeted by the ‘Skinnies’, the two stick insects - aka Teen Royalty - blocking our way to the corridors and our lockers. They had no flesh and muscle and I swear I could see their bones over which the transparent skin stretched.
We ignored them and walked past.
Most of the girls would love to get close to the ‘Skinnies’ but Rachel and me always stayed away from them. Not because we were social rejects but because we just did not like to indulge in their stupid antics.
I took out my timetable and my Animal Physiology book, which was my first class.
Rachel and me went together for our class to the Bio lab. Rachel and I shared only two classes together. Animal Physiology and Gym.
Mr. Ray had not yet come into the class. All the students were sitting in their usual places; some throwing paper balls across the room, some just talking and others just texting like freaks on their mobile phones.
Surprisingly we saw Jeff sitting in one of the seats with an empty seat beside him, obviously meant for Rachel. Rachel gave me a smile and went to sit with him. I went to the back of the class where there were two empty seats and sat.
Mr. Ray entered the class wearing his usual Harris Tweed jacket and his bulging belly looking even bigger than normal, bringing in with him the smell of fresh lilies and freesias. I had once mentioned this to Rachel but she said that she had never quite noticed that.
He cleared his throat and said, “I want absolute silence in the class while I teach. If someone makes the slightest noise, I will make sure that they do not enter my class till the term ends.”
Everyone was silent at once.
Suddenly a guy entered the class wearing a loose sweatshirt and jeans with his books in one hand. He was quite tall. I mean, I’m 5’7 and this guy was like 6’3. He went Mr. Ray and whispered something in his ear.
“Ah yes. Students this is Alec Ross. He has come to Woodlock from Hostwood. I hope you’ll make him feel welcome.” Mr. Ray said in that booming voice of his.
We in turn answered with a monotonous ‘Yes’.
‘Alec’ came towards my desk to sit on the empty seat beside me. I noticed that he had dark hair and bright blue green eyes. He reached my desk and sat beside me setting his books. I looked at Rachel and she gave me a he’s-perfect-for-you look. I ignored her.
The class began. Mr. Ray started teaching the structure of the brain. Basically the part of the brain controlling and coordinating muscular activity. The ‘Cerebellum’.
I was concentrating on the topic being taught but then suddenly I was sucked into another person’s mind with an irresistible force. And in that world I was standing on snow and it was snowing softly. The first question which came to my mind was, ‘what the hell am I doing here?’ (This makes the reader also say, 'what the hell?' The way you described it was quite childish. You could describe this in a much more interesting, mature way. 'Suddenly I was sucked into someone else's mind?' What? How does she know that? What exactly happened?)
“Mistress, I have gathered the few remaining mortal vampires who have refused to come in agreement with you.” A man’s voice came behind me.
The only thing I had figured out was that I was actually seeing through someone’s eyes. And that ‘someone’ was a ‘she’ and ‘she’ was turning around to face the man behind. The man in front of me was indescribable. His long platinum hair seemed to glow amidst the snowy background. He seemed ageless. He could have been around my age but then he could also have been fifty years old and have looked the same. But the only one wrong thing about his face were his eyes. They were blank. Devoid of any colour. His irises were white. Interesting.
“Very well Zarkos. Bring them to me.” This time the voice came from me or more like from the lady in whose head I was stuck in with some strong bond-like force. Her voice was like wind chimes.
Two men similar to the ‘Zarkos’ guy came with a group of ... things who seemed more vampire than human. There were five of them in total, counting the three kids. I guessed them to be parents with their kids.
“What’s the matter, mommy?” one of the kid vampires asked his mother.
“Nothing sweetie. Just close your eyes.” The mother assured her child. (Kid, kid, kid is getting old). The kid closed his eyes, obeying his mother.
I wanted to scream and tell them to run away because obviously something really terrible was going to happen to them. But obviously I could not.
“Since you all have refused to join in an agreement with me with my promise of immortality, you have made my choice inevitable," she said in a very chilly manner.
Suddenly I felt a tornado of heat and power built up inside myself. The feel of this power felt like I was on a high. ‘She’ raised her arms pointing it in the direction where the vampires were standing huddled together. I saw black clouds from my arms go and swirl around them until they were fully cloaked. I didn’t understand what was happening until I saw mist rising from he dark clouds. The ear piercing screams also started. ‘She’ was killing the vampires by burning them with fire. That is the reason I had felt so much heat build up inside me. Again, childish description. :/ You take away from the whole story with this
The sight of the burning vampires was making me nauseous and I needed to get out of ‘her’ mind. But how?
A sharp jab in my ribs and the pain following it suddenly made the burning sight of the vampires disappear. I was back I my seat next to Alec in Mr. Ray’s class. Disoriented I looked at Alec and around the class. I noted that Mr. Ray was now teaching about the ‘medulla oblongata’, the part of the brain that controls the heart and the lungs.
“Okay, pop quiz. You, Miss Zoross," he announced, pointing at me with his finger, “Which part of the brain do you think controls the human behavior?”
I remember dad had had told me something about the frontal lobe and behavior. And so I answered with uncertainty.
“Um. The frontal lobe, I guess.”
“Well your answer is correct. I would appreciate if you looked more attentive in the class.” He said.
“Yes sir.” I answered.
And that is how the class ended with the bell ringing loud, as it always did, as if nothing had happened back in the class.


The idea is a bit interesting but you seem to be repeating words a lot and giving us unnecessary detail we don't need or care about. I would suggest going over your work a few more times and re-editing to get rid of these problems. Occasionally, the way you describe things gets childish, as I pointed out. You lose readers and interest this way. Try to keep some level of good description and maturity.

When it comes to description, most people will tell you that more is better. This is not always true. There is a very fine line between boring your readers (too much detail) and confusing them (too little). Either way, you may lose your audience. Quite often, you are tilting towards too much that we don't care about, and then you spiral into the exact opposite. Find a median, it will help you.

The idea and plot is interesting, yes, but you have some work to do. I will make sure to follow this.




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Hello, I'm Masque and I shall be reviewing your chapter today. Okay, so luckily for you (or maybe unluckily) I am in a good mood, so I shall go through your entire piece. Mahahaha.

Distant familiar memories flashed through my head sending emotions of both happiness and sadness, mostly sadness, through me. Images of a newborn baby with distinct brown eyes smiling and crying flashed through my head like a slideshow of photos on a computer. I'm not sure if the "of photos on a computer is necessary. I think it would sound better with just "like a slideshow".
Then the images changed and became more vivid and real. Images of dismembered blood soaked bodies now filled my mind. I could feel nothing except the sharp unbearable pain that was slowly increasing in my left wrist. The weird tattoo on the underside my left wrist <Just say "it"., which has been there like<Don't say "like"! -petpeeve- ever since I was born, started burning, like gasoline exposed to fire. It felt like <You have repeated "like: several times. I would reword some. an instant explosion of pain in my left wrist. <I feel like you don't need "in my left wrist" or you could at least cut "left." You have already established that is the left wrist.
I jumped out of my bed as if I had been electrocuted. Beads of sweat covered my forehead. I ran to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. Relief flooded over me.
...
Sitting in the night on the roof was a time when I could sort out all my problems however major they were. The dark night, the twinkling stars, and the natural calm settled over the surroundings just gave me the kind of comfort that I occasionally needed. Erm. This sentence is worded funny. Do you mean to say "The dark night, the twinkling stars, and the natural calm settled over the surroundings and just gave me the kind of comfort that I occasionally needed" or "The dark night, the twinkling stars, and the natural calm settling over the surroundings just gave me the kind of comfort that I occasionally needed"? Also, the "that" is unnecessary. Especially in the middle of the night when you have been woken up by scary and freaky dreams or, rather, extremely vivid gross and ghastly images. <This is not a complete sentence.
I sit almost everyday at night on the roof, mostly in the middle of the night so that dad cannot find out and I don’t get grounded or anything. But that does not mean that dad has not busted me. Dad is very overprotective. Once he caught me sitting on the roof at two in the morning and that was it. I was grounded for a whole goddamn week.
So this is I, Adrianna Zoross. A normal seventeen-year-old girl with normal teenage needs. I have a dad who is very overprotective because my mom died a month after I was born. <Hmm... This is more of a personal preference issue, but I personally don't like it when stories directly tell things to the audience like this. Rather you could introduce her mom's death in the last paragraph when you say that the dad is overprotective.
I turned my head around to look at the window through which I had come out on the roof and saw that my big black Great Dane, Saber, was leaning out of the window by<Cut the "by" and add a comma supporting himself on his big front paws on the window sill and trying to lean his head out as much You mean as far? as possible. I ignored him at first, as I knew he wouldn't bark or whine or anything<You say things like "or anything" a lot, and they aren't necessary. because he wasn’t the barking type. So, I did not get back inside my room to shoo him away. Instead I just kept staring at the black starlit sky.
And then I heard him whine. I ignored it. Then I heard another whine. Then another. Each time he whined, it grew louder decibel-by-decibel.
That’s it he’s dead. If I get grounded I’ll kill him and bury him in the forbidden part of Woodlock’<Erm, is that apostrophe supposed to be there?, I thought as I got up reluctantly and got back inside before Saber’s whining woke up dad and got me grounded.
I quickly got into bed before dad could catch me and just lay there. I did not want to sleep because I would again get the images of blood-soaked dismembered bodies in my head. <I feel like this sentence is too blunt. I would split into two sentences, cut the "because", and add "I knew" before "I would".
So I just lay there staring at the ceiling above, hoping that I would fall asleep. Sleep came eventually and I did not get those ghastly dreams or whatever they were.
That was the best sleep I had<cut the "had". got in weeks.

* * * * * *
...
Dad was already up and ready, reading the newspaper while sipping coffee from a big mug. I gave Saber his doggie food in his bowl<I think it is assumed that it is in his bowl., which he gobbled in no time. I fixed myself a bowl of my favorite Chocó’s and some milk. I went and sat on the three-person table opposite dad.
...
I ate in silence wishing he would not ask more about last night. My dad is a psychologist with the Woodlock Police. He is in the homicide section, and because of this he is dangerously observant.
...
I got into my Bug and drove off to school. I reached school and parked my car where the other cars were parked.<Again, this is assumed. I got out of my car and started to walk towards the school entrance like the other students. My best friend Rachel was standing, as usual, at the entrance waiting for me.
I reached her at last and said, “Hi. Where is your better half?”
She flicked her curly red hair in a very dramatic kind of manner.
“Jeff has not yet come. I think he’s gonna be late," she said in a pissed-off manner, her hazel eyes narrowing further, confirming her dark mood.
Jeff is Rachel’s boyfriend, and the two have been dating for a good three months. He is the weirdest person I have ever seen. He has these weird star-shaped side locks and to top it off he has golden blonde hair and yellow eyes. The first time I met him I freaked out so bad that it took all of Rachel’s patience to stop me from laughing every time I looked at him.
Me? I am the never-had-a-boyfriend-kind of teenager.
“I think we better go inside. We don’t want to be late ‘cause of him.” I said as a matter-of-factly. <This does not make since.
We went inside the school building to be greeted by the ‘Skinnies’, the two stick insects aka Teen Royalty standing in front of Rachel and me, blocking our way to the corridors and our lockers. They had no flesh and muscle and I swear I could see their bones over which the transparent skin stretched.
We ignored them and went into the corridors, straight to our lockers.
Most of the girls would love to get close to the ‘Skinnies’ but Rachel and me always stayed away from them. Not because we were social rejects, but because we just did not like to indulge in their stupid antics.
I took out my timetable and my Animal Physiology book, which was my first class.
Rachel and me went together for our class to the Bio lab. Rachel and I shared only two classes together: Animal Physiology and Gym.
Mr. Ray had not yet come into the class. All the students were sitting in their usual places; some throwing paper balls across the room, some just talking or some just texting like freaks from their mobile phones.
Surprisingly, we saw Jeff sitting in one of the seats with an empty seat beside him, obviously meant for Rachel. Rachel gave me a smile and went to sit with him. I went to the back of the class where there were two empty seats and sat.
...
Suddenly a guy entered the class wearing a loose sweatshirt and jeans with his books in one hand. He was quite tall. I mean, I’m 5’7 and this guy was like 6’3. He went to Mr. Ray and whispered something in his ear.
“Ah yes. Students this is Alec Ross. He has come to Woodlock from Hostwood. I hope you’ll make him feel welcome,” Mr. Ray said in that booming voice of his.
We in turn answered with a monotonous ‘Yes’.
‘Alec’ came towards my desk to sit on the empty seat beside me. I noticed that he had dark hair and bright blue green eyes. He reached my desk and sat beside me setting his books down?. I looked at Rachel and she gave me a he’s-perfect-for-you look. I ignored her.
The class began. Mr. Ray started teaching the structure of the brain. Basically the part of the brain controlling and coordinating muscular activity: the ‘Cerebellum’.
I was concentrating on the topic being taught but then suddenly<This is awkwardly worded. I was sucked into another person’s mind with an irresistible force. And in that world I was standing on snow and it was snowing softly. The first question which came to my mind was, ‘what the hell am I doing here?’
...
“Very well Zarkos. Bring them to me.” This time the voice came from me, or more like from the lady in whose head I was stuck in with some strong bond-like force. ‘She’ said.<Erm... this doesn't make sense. Her voice was like wind chimes.
...
“Nothing sweetie. Just close your eyes.” The mother assured her kid. The kid closed his eyes obeying his mother.
I wanted to scream and tell them to run away because obviously something really terrible was going to happen to them, but obviously I could not.
“Since you all have refused to join in an agreement with me with my promise of immortality, you have made my choice inevitable.” ‘She' said in a very chilly manner. I would stop putting single quotes around 'she'.
Suddenly I felt a tornado of heat and power built up inside myself. The feel of this power felt like I was on a high.<Just say "It felt like I was on a high." ‘She’ raised her arm pointing it in the direction where the vampires were standing huddled together. I saw black clouds from my arms go and swirls around them until they were fully cloaked. I didn’t understand what was happening until I saw mist rising from the dark clouds. The ear piercing screams also started. ‘She’ was killing the vampires by burning them with fire. That is the reason I felt so much heat build up inside me.
The sight of the burning vampires was making me nauseous and I needed to get out of ‘her’ mind. But how?
A sharp jab in my ribs and the pain following it suddenly made the burning sight of the vampires disappear. I was back in my seat next to Alec in Mr. Ray’s class. Disoriented I looked at Alec and around the class. I noted that Mr. Ray was now teaching about the ‘medulla oblongata’, the part of the brain that controls the heart and the lungs.
“Okay, pop quiz. You, Miss Zoross," pointing at me with his finger, “Which part of the brain do you think controls the human behavior?”
I remember dad had had told me something about the frontal lobe and behavior. And so I answered with uncertainty.
“Um. The frontal lobe, I guess.”
“Well your answer is correct. I would appreciate if you looked more attentive in the class," he said.
...


Okay, so I pointed out a ton of grammatical errors above, and there's one more thing I'd like to point out that I saw a lot. You give the reader way to much information. The reader does not need every detail of how the characters do everything. I mentioned how some things are implied above, and you need to try to be aware of how the reader will perceive what you write. There were a lot of unnecessary details.

Also, I feel you should expand your word choice and use more vivid imagery and figurative language to liven it up. you use a lot of simple language and places, and it can get a bit dull.

Apart from that, I feel like this piece has a lot of potential. You just need to tighten it out and expand your diction.
Good work, and happy writing!
~Masquerade
"Many people hear voices when no-one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing."
-Meg Chittenden




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Thank you everybody for your helpful suggestions ...... I will definitely incorporate them in my next chapter...



Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.
— David Foster Wallace