Road to Terrace

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Author's commentary: So this is my story for the "Writer's Roulette" contest. I chose 3H, mainly because it looked like a little devil with horns (sideways). It's supposed to be realistic, which I'm not entirely sure it is (feel free to criticize my realism) and it's supposed to be dialogue only. I thought I'd throw this out here now because i'm really not sure how well it follows the parameters (realistic, dialogue-only). If you want to know what the setting is supposed to be, you may ask me. I won't likely answer, but you may ask.




Peter: "Annie, wake up. Wake up. Annie. Annie. Annie!"
Annie: "Murg."
Peter: "We've got to go. Come on, get up."
Annie: "It's cold, I don't want to get up."
Peter: "You'll get warmer while we're walking, we have to go."
Annie: "Why?"
Peter: "Well, there are other people coming in and it'll get too crowded if we stay. Besides, we want to get there as soon as possible, right?"
Annie: "I guess. Why do we have to go at night?"
Peter: "Because then its warm when you fall asleep and you want to be awake for the fair at night, right?"
Annie: "When are we getting there?"
Peter: "Probably a week."
Annie: "How long is that?"
Peter: "Remember last Friday?"
Annie: "Yeah."
Peter: "Well it's the amount of time between last Friday and today."
Annie: "Oh, that's a long time."
Peter: "Yes, but we'll get to see all the lights and performers and shops."
Annie: "What are that man and woman doing?"
Peter: "Procreating."
Annie: "Can we stay and watch?"
Peter: "No, but I'm sure you'll get to do that someday. Let's go."
Annie: "But they look like they're - "
Peter: "Come on, we've got a long road ahead of us."
***************************************************************************************************************
Annie: "My feet are sore."
Peter: "Want me to carry you?"
Annie: "Ow!"
Peter: "Come on, up you get. Let's see your foot here..."
Annie: "Am I bleeding?"
Peter: "Nope, it's fine, you probably just struck a nerve on your big toe."
Annie: "It's really dark."
Peter: "The sun will come up in a minute, I think."
Annie: "Okay, can you carry me until then?"
Peter: "I will. We're gonna be stopping for the day when we get to the next camp, so we shouldn't have too much longer."
Annie: "Is that camp?"
Peter: "No, that's a tavern."
Annie: "What's that?"
Peter: "People go to taverns when they want trouble."
Annie: "Why is that man lying on the road?"
Peter: "He found trouble. Look, there's the sun coming up."
Annie: "Ohhh."
Peter: "Do you like that?"
Annie: "It's really pretty. Do they have things like that at the fair?"
Peter: "Sort of, but not as good."
Annie: "Can we see that again?"
Peter: "Yes, we can see it tomorrow. We can even see it disappear later today if you wake up early."
Annie: "I want to see that."
Peter: "I'll wake you up before it sets, then."
Annie: "You can put me down now."
Peter: "Oof, thank God. You're so big."
Annie: "Is that the camp?"
Peter: "Yes. Wait up, though. Hey! Wait for me, dang it!"
Annie: "It's got the cushy grass!"
Peter: "That's yarrow."
Annie: "Can I sleep here?"
Peter: "No, it's too close to the road. Let's go in a ways."
Annie: "Oh, look! A cauldron!"
Peter: "Ask the nice man if he'll share, Annie."
Annie: "Um, hi."
Cook: "Hello, little lady. Want some stew?"
Annie: "Yes, please."
Cook: "Be careful, it's hot. Would your father like some as well?"
Peter: "I'm actually her brother, but I would like some, please. How much for it?"
Cook: "It's free. I got everything from the land; might as well not put a price tag on it."
Peter: "Annie, what do we say to this generous man?"
Annie: "Thank you!"
Peter: "Thank you very much."
Cook: "You welcome, enjoy."
Annie: "Peter?"
Peter: "Yes?"
Annie: "How long 'til the sun sets?"
Peter: "Several hours. Look, a willow! Do you want to sleep under the willow tree?"
Annie: "Will you wake me up in time?"
Peter: "Of course."
Annie: "Oh! A willow!"
Peter: "I just said...never mind."
Annie: "Yay willow!"
Peter: "Be careful, there might be someone already sleeping there. Be very quiet and check."
Annie: "Hello? is there anyone sleeping in here?"
Peter: "Quietly!"
Annie: "Sorry. Anyone sleeping in here?"
Liza: "Yes, but it's alright if you two want to stay here, too. There's lots of room."
Annie: "Yay, we get to sleep under a willow! Can I sleep in the branches, Peter?"
Peter: "No, you'll fall off and die. Hi, I'm Peter, what's your name?"
Liza: "Liza. And what's the little princess' name?"
Peter: "That's Annie, she's my sister."
Liza: "Aw, she's so cute. How old is she?"
Annie: "I'm six and a half."
Peter: "Six and three quarters,"
Annie: "We're going to the fair!"
Liza: "Oh really? That's a long ways away still. What are you going to see there?"
Annie: "Lights and people and shops and dragons!"
Liza: "Well I hope you don't get too scared. Dragons have been known to eat little girls."
Annie: "Oh, I'm not afraid. I once fought an army of gypsies!"
Liza: "Really?"
Peter: "Well, sort of. She was kidnapped by gypsies when she was three. We caught up to them at the Canadian border and got her back, though."
Liza: "Oh, well that's good. My cousin got kidnapped earlier this year, but they haven't found him yet."
Peter: "Sad."
Liza: "Yeah, I'm going to Terrace to see if any of the gypsies in the fair have him."
Peter: "Hey, since we're going in the same direction, would you like to travel with us? We might be able to help look for him."
Liza: "Thank you, that's very kind, but I don't want to impose on you. Besides, you wouldn't know who to look for and, no offense, I don't trust people I've just met."
Peter: "Understandable. I'll say hi if we see you at the fair."
Liza: "Goodnight."
Peter: "Goodnight."
Annie: "Goodnight, Miss Liza."
***************************************************************************************************************
Peter: "I think she's avoiding me."
Annie: "Oh, look, a butterfly!"
Peter: "It's really awkward being around her. I mean, we walked side-by-side for three hours last night, then she got something in her shoe and was behind us."
Annie: "It's so pretty!"
Peter: "It creeps me out."
Annie: "The butterfly?"
Peter: "Huh? Hey, cool, a butterfly. Wait, oh! You've been...talking...about...um, nice butterfly."
Annie: "Is the sun setting yet?"
Peter: "Not yet, be patient."
Annie: "When do we get to the fair?"
Peter: "Tomorrow, if we go fast enough."
Annie: "Where's Miss Liza?"
Peter: "At the next camp, probably."
Annie: "Can we sleep with her?"
Peter: "Probably not, I think she wants to be left alone and familiarity breeds contempt."
Annie: "I like her. I'll ask if I can sleep with her."
Peter: "You can ask. She'll probably let you."
Annie: "Is that her up there?"
Peter: "No, I don't think...oh, holy cow it is! Liza! Are you okay? What happened?"
Liza: "I'm fine. Don't come any closer."
Peter: "But what-"
Liza: "Run. Get away from me."
Peter: "But are you-"
Annie: "Miss Liza, are you alright?"
Liza: "Annie, don't come any closer to me."
Annie: "But you're bleeding!"
Liza: "Get away, get away from me."
Peter: "Who did this to you?"
Liza: "A man. His dog bit me and he stole my backpack."
Peter: "We need to get you to safety."
Liza: "He's going to come back. He told me to stay right here or he'd kill me."
Peter: "Well, I guess you'll have to stay right here. I'll be back."
Liza: "Wait, Peter! Don't go! Take Annie! Annie, go with him."
Annie: "But your leg, Miss Liza. I'll bandage it up for you."
Liza: "No, you have to leave. I don't want you endangered."
Annie: "I'm not afraid, Miss Liza. I once fought an entire army of gypsies and won. Hold still, Miss Liza!
Liza: "You need to leave! You can't stay here, you'll be killed!"
Annie: "No I won't. Hold...still!"
Liza: "Ow!"
Annie: "There, it's perfect."
Liza: "Oh, ow, that hurts so much. Hang on, what was that?"
Annie: "I don't know, I got it from the forest. Peter told me they help with swelling."
Liza: "I mean that noise. It sounded like someone yelling."
Annie: "Oh, that's probably Peter. He goes crazy sometimes."
Liza: "Crazy?""
Annie: "Like a mole."
Liza: "Like a...uh alright. What is that flower you just put on my leg?"
Annie: "I told you, it helps with swelling."
Liza: "But I'm bleeding."
Annie: "It's going to help one way or another. The bandage is for the bleeding anyhow."
Liza: "I need to get to a doctor."
Annie: "Peter!"
Peter: "Hey, let's get Miss Liza to camp, shall we? There will probably be a doctor there."
Liza: "What about the man with the dog?"
Peter: "Oh, he's not coming back. I had a nice talk with him. Here's your backpack."
Liza: "How did you get it back?"
Peter: "Negotiation. Let's go."
Liza: "Did you give him something?"
Peter: "Come on, it'll be light soon. Annie, you can see the sunrise again!"
Annie: "Yay!"
Liza: "Peter, what did you do?"
***************************************************************************************************************
Annie: "Are we there yet?"
Peter: "No."
Annie: "Are we there yet?"
Peter: "Nope."
Annie: "Are we there yet?"
Peter: "Look Annie, a unicorn!"
Annie: "What? Where? No, it's just a regular horse."
Peter: "How do you know?"
Annie: "It's got a rider. Unicorns are much too stuck up to have riders."
Peter: "Good point. Hey, look,we're two miles away from the fair!"
Annie: "Two miles? That's so long!"
Peter: "Tell you what, we'll go one mile and I'll carry you the rest of the way. Sound good?"
Annie: "I guess. Is Miss Liza angry at us?"
Peter: "Oh, no, Miss Liza's angry at me."
Annie: "Why?"
Peter: "'Cause I didn't tell her what I did to that man."
Annie: "Why didn't you tell her?"
Peter: "I don't like telling strangers about what happens when I go crazy."
Annie: "Miss Liza's not a stranger, is she?"
Peter: "I..."
Annie: "I like her. You should tell her so she's not mad at us anymore."
Peter: "But what if she thinks I'm dangerous?"
Annie: "She's already avoiding us."
Peter: "That's true, but she could try to kill me."
Annie: "Nah, she likes you."
Peter: "How do you know?"
Annie: "She told me."
Peter: "She was talking about me? Does she like me like-"
Annie: "Ponies!"
Peter: "Um, yes, there are ponies."
Annie: "Can I ride one?"
Peter: "Maybe the nice man will let you."
Annie: "Yay!"
Peter: "I thought you said your feet are sore!"
Annie: "Ponies make everything better! Can I ride one?"
Pony Herder:"Only for a little while. These aren't even my ponies, I'm just transporting them."
Peter: "How far?"
Pony Herder: "Across the road, so make it quick."
***************************************************************************************************************
Annie: "You can put me down now."
Peter: "Are you sure?"
Annie: "Yes. Is the fair starting?"
Peter: "Not yet. It will start later tonight. Do you want to sleep?"
Annie: "Will you wake me up for the fair?"
Peter: "Of course."
Annie: "Don't forget."
Peter: "I won't."
Annie: "Will you tell me a bedtime story?"
Peter: "Which one do you want to hear?"
Annie: "You pick one."
Peter: "How about the one about the cup of water came to life?"
Annie: "Okay, but you have to use the muffin voice."
Peter: "What? Mit's smo mard moo mell maht mime smaying mwen Mi muse muh mufffin moife."
Annie: "Muffin voice! Muffin voice!"
Peter: "Mangit. Mokay, munce upmon a mime, mew...oh wow, you're asleep. That was fast."
Liza: "Hey, Peter."
Peter: "Daa! Miss Liza...I mean, Liza!"
Liza: "You left me back at camp, Peter. You ditched me."
Peter: "And I'm really sorry I did, but I thought you would need awhile to heal."
Liza: "And you couldn't stick around?"
Peter: "I thought you were mad at me and you might not want me around when you woke up."
Liza: "Well, I am pretty ticked off, but I'm not so much angry at you as frustrated that you didn't tell me what happened."
Peter: "I killed the guy, okay? It was accidental, I only meant to kill his dog."
Liza: "How did you kill him? He was three times your size!"
Peter: "I don't know, it happened really quickly and he got buried under some rubble from his house."
Liza: "His house fell down?"
Peter: "I helped."
Liza: "You destroyed--"
Annie: "Murg."
Peter: "It's okay, Annie, go back to sleep."
Annie: "Mm."
Peter: "I was really angry, Liza. When I get like that I lose control sometimes and black out. When I come to, it's like a tornado struck. I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd freak out like this."
Liza: "I'm not freaking out! If you would just tell me things instead of leaving me alone in a strange place with strange people we might not have this problem!"
Peter: "Liza, wait-"
Liza: "I'm going into town. Don't follow me."
Peter: "But-"
Annie: "Don't worry, she'll come back. She likes you."
Peter: "Were you awake this whole time?"
Annie: "Yup."
Peter: "I wondered why you dropped off so quickly. Look, the sun's setting. Should we wait for Miss Liza or just head on in?"
Annie: "We should go in and you should get her a flower."
Peter: "What for?"
Annie: "She likes daffodils."
Peter: "Okay, but she said she doesn't want us to follow her."
Annie: "She doesn't want you to follow her. I can, though."
Peter: "That's brilliant!"
Annie: "Yes. Then we can help her find her cousin."
Peter: "Do you know where he is?"
Annie: "No, why should I know?"
Peter: "No reason. Let's get going before the road gets too dark."
Last edited by charcoalspacewolfman on Mon May 02, 2011 4:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
HMS Tragedy?! We should-we should have known!!!




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"It's got a rider. Unicorns are much too stuck up to have riders." 
"Okay, but you have to use the muffin voice." 

^
Two absolutely amazing lines that made me laugh. :D

Overall, I enjoyed this. It was entertaining, though a bit different. I love Annie; she's quite an ADD little girl, isn't she? xD

My only comment is that it occasionally gets confusing. When Peter was "going crazy" at the guy with the dog, I honestly couldn't figure out who was doing what. o.o'' But otherwise you did pretty good with a completely dialogue-focussed story!




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Hey there :)

I don't know anything about this "Writer's Roulette" contest, so whatever. I'd just like to say that I don't like the dialogue-only format. I think it might just be personal preference. There needs to be some dialogue and some narrative for me. I once read a book that was only narrative and I hated it. Anyway.

There are some places where I really can't tell who's talking at all, so you might consider just investing in some speaker tags, but you don't need narrative if you don't want.

I don't understand the relationship between Miss Liza and Peter. Does he like her? Does she like him? You can't tell because the only person Peter can talk to is his sister. Maybe consider a monologue or two, or considering thoughts to be part of dialogue (not, like, out loud though). Maybe have some for Miss Liza, too. (PS, do both Peter and Annie call her "Miss Liza"? I don't understand the setting either, so that might make more sense if it's some etiquette thing.)

^Explain the setting. The only thing you explain is that there's a "fair" but you don't explain what kind it is, they're sort of out in the middle of nowhere, and there's a sun revolving around whatever planet they're on (or the planet is revolving around the sun).

If you're going to write this completely with dialogue, you have to make sure it's interesting. You said I can be as honest as I want, so here it is: this dialogue probably wouldn't even be interesting with narrative, unless the narrative was really good.

Part of the reason I couldn't tell who was talking at certain spots is because you don't give each character a distinct voice. In pieces with narrative, each character still needs to have a distinct voice to add depth to their character. In this piece it's exponentially more important to have distinct voices for each character. You have very few characters, so it shouldn't be too hard to make each voice unique for each character. Give each character a catchphrase, or an accent, or a dialect, or a reason to not use certain words that other characters use all the time. Give them some depth.

At the very beginning I thought Annie was just a huge whiner, and that turned me off. It didn't occur to me at all until you mentioned it that she's a small child. I think it's important for the reader to know details like that early on.

Lastly, you missed an apostrophe:
"Because then it's warm when you fall asleep and you want to be awake for the fair at night, right?"


This was interesting. Keep writing! That is all.
We've stayed until the very end.
This is real for us.




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Hello charcoalspacewolfman!

I like your username. Very...long and random. That kind of combination is always a plus in my book. Anyway, I see that this is for a contest type thing. Cool. It's always interesting to see what people can come up with when given a certain set of criteria. Since you said this was supposed to be realistic and dialogue only, I am only going to be reviewing it based on those things. I think it's only fair. :)

Realism: According to the literary definition, realism is defined as a genre of literature that is focused upon the real world and what happens, not what is supposed to happen. It captures the banality of life and not the glossy bits that other genres try to emphasize. To me, your story read more along the lines of either a dystopian/fantasy genre. Now, if you are merely using realistic as a guiding term for the colloquial speech in the dialogue and the daily habits of sleeping, eating, and such of Annie and Peter, I think you managed to hit the nail on the head. The muffin voice is one example. However, since this is a dialogue centered piece, it's hard to get a good grasp of the genre itself. It's fairly vague, although the allusions to the brother's "crazed" states and the "black outs" ending in destruction seem to indicate more of a fantasy.

Dialogue: The dialogue flowed well enough, despite the lack of speaker indicators and description. It's hard to do that, but you managed to progress the story nicely the entire way through just by having the characters interact with each other, giving us the context clues to fill in the rest. I don't know if I could do it, to be honest. I rely heavily on description, some might say too much. :)

I liked the story overall, and I hope you do well in the contest.

Happy Writing!
Baywolf
After all, it is the pen that gives power to the mythical sword.

"For an Assistant Pig-Keeper, I think you're quite remarkable." Eilonwy

"You also shall be Psyche."

"My only regret
all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux




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If I might just make a suggestion. I'm not sure what contest this was for and maybe it had to be in a certain format for that contest but in my opinion it would sound better and make more sense if you put it into play format. That way you can put what's going on and who's talking to the side and then what they're saying will be most of the story. It would make it ten times easier to understand and read and you wouldn't have to worry about the setting (although you could mention it at the very beginning).
Let's eat mom.
Let's eat, mom.
Good grammar saves lives :D



Life is like a bag of potatoes, it starts out rough, but can turn into something beautiful (and yummy).
— Ley