Luca and Jamie - intro

Once upon a time there lived a boy and a girl who shared a dark past, a grim present and a horrifying future.
This is the story of Luca and Jamie, the two remaining survivors of the Shmettawing clan, a race of humans with superhuman abilities, some had control of an element, others telekinesis or had wings which some interpreted as angelic, others… Demonic…
Both hated and hunted, the Shmettawing clan’s numbers fell from one hundred, to only two… Luca, a strong and fit yet boyish and lanky, had control of fire and was wise and responsible. Jamie was young, not particularly girly, and had control of water and Earth. She had telekinesis and wings.
She now stood atop a cliff overlooking the city, waist length hair blowing freely as the wind enclosed around her frame. She was clothed in denim shorts and a black halter top, not caring about the cool breeze.
Her white wings were spread, the feathers blowing gently as the wind weaved its way through the soft feathers.

Be forewarned, Jamie’s story is no love story, more of a tragedy with no ending. It started before she realised the true extent of her abilities, with a boy named Lucifer.
Lucifer, her love, her best friend and her fiancé. The two of them looked just like each other. Lucifer’s wings were pitch black and Jamie’s were pure white, Jamie’s hair flowed carelessly to her waist and her fringe flowed to the right, whereas Lucifer kept his short and his fringe over his left eye. but that was as far as their differences went. They shared the same, perfectly tanned skin tone, light brown eyes and black hair and the same lips, perfect in every way...
Lucifer, slightly taller than Jamie, was like a caring brother, but that would be an understatement… They were so much closer than anyone, so close that Lucifer gave up his life to ensure his bride to be would remain safe.
Such an unfortunate event...


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Authors note:
Yes, the first line IS supposed to be contradictory. And yes, it is leading to backtracking... and just remember it's only the intro. Thank you

comments
changes

Once upon a time there lived a boy and a girl who shared a dark past, a grim present and a horrifying future. Normally, I dislike the whole cliché beginning, but you managed to do this quite well. Take a normal beginning associated with happiness and twist it. Nice.
This is the story of Luca and Jamie, the two remaining survivors of the Shmettawing clan, a race of humans with superhuman abilities. Some had control of an element, others telekinesis. Some bore wings which many interpreted as angelic, but others saw as demonic...
Both hated and hunted, the Shmettawing clan’s numbers fell from one hundred, to only two… Luca, strong and fit yet boyish and lanky, had control of fire and was wise and responsible. Jamie was young, not particularly girly, and had control of water and Earth. She had telekinesis and wings. Well. She's powerful. A bit too powerful? I would suggest making this a bit more mysterious, maybe showing us some of these powers in later chapters.
She now stood atop a cliff overlooking the city, waist length hair blowing freely as the wind blew around her frame. She was clothed in denim shorts and a black halter top, not caring about the cool breeze.
Her white wings were spread, the soft feathers blowing gently as the wind weaved its way through them.

Be forewarned, Jamie’s story is no love story, more of a tragedy with no ending. It started before she realised the true extent of her abilities, with a boy named Lucifer.
Lucifer, her love, her best friend and her fiancé. The two of them looked just like each other. (I didn't understand this part; if Lucifer's wings are pitch black, his hair short, etc. and Jamie's wings/hair are/is different, how do they look the same? Nearly the same, maybe...) Lucifer’s wings were pitch black and Jamie’s were pure white, Jamie’s flowed carelessly to her waist and her fringe flowed to the right, whereas Lucifer kept his short and his fringe over his left eye. but that was as far as their differences went. They shared the same, perfectly tanned skin tone, light brown eyes and black hair and the same lips, perfect in every way...
Lucifer, slightly taller than Jamie, was like a caring brother, but that would be an understatement… They were so much closer than anyone, so close that Lucifer gave up his life to ensure his bride to be would remain safe.
Such an unfortunate event...I didn't like this as an ending. Leave off somewhere that makes us ask for more, yet doesn't stop mid-sentence.

I'm interested in this tragic once upon a time! Besides my little nitpicks and thoughts, you did well with this and I'll look forward to reading more. My only question now is 'what's next?' I'm interested in reading more!

Hi!

Well, this piece certainly has a lot of potential! To me, it seems like you started at the end of a story. Bt I want to know what happened in the beginning, before all of this. I hope you write a prequel, because I'm curious. I also want to know what happens next though.

I didn't like how you left off mid-sentence at the end. I think that and the fact that I was very confused are my only complaints. Overall, nice job!

Hm... well, this was alright. It was just an (as you clearly stated in the title) intro... I'm not sure if such an intro is really necessary, because I haven't read this story; however, it certainly put you in mind of an interesting setting.

I didn’t like how it went from describing Luca and Jamie to describing Jamie and this other guy… and it was also sort of confusing how you said Luca and Jamie were the last of their race, but then you mention this Lucifer character, who is apparently also of the race…

The last sentence is probably not necessary…

Hope this helped!

--
Tabby