Far Away

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“Liam!” I yelp, pushing the bow sideways, making him miss. The girl looks up towards where we are in the tree. Her entire body, which wasn’t much, freezes.

“What Leda? She shot our game, she’s trespassing on our family land, she killed my game!” He’s losing his calm façade. I’ve never seen him like this before, and it scares me. He’s over reacting about game? Somehow I can’t believe that’s the only reason.

“And that gives you the right to shoot her?” Actually, it does. If she is trespassing on family land like he says and she’s been killing off his game, he has every right to kill her. But Liam isn’t someone who usually does things like that.

“You just don’t understand,” he mutters, putting his bow over his shoulder and putting the rest of his arrows back in the quiver. “You just don’t understand.”

For some reason I have the urge to demand him explain, to yell at him and say that I don’t, but I can’t. Liam is the person who is in control of the house now that his father has fallen ill and I don’t want to be on his bad side if he decides to throw me out. But I do want him to explain. I want to know why now of all times, he’s ready to kill someone for taking game away from him.

The girl is still bellow us, and she doesn’t move as Liam climbs down and makes his way in the opposite direction back home. I feel sorry for her, but most of all, I feel sorry for him. He has a lot to deal with and this just adds to it. Now he wont be able to go home and tell his family he brought back food, because the day is deadening and the sun is disappearing behind the evergreens and oaks.

I climb down slowly as not to scare her any more. I want to know who she is, what she’s doing out here, and why it is someone so little can hunt so well. But if it’s one thing I learned, it’s not the size that matters, as long as you can bear a weapon, you can win.

The girl tries to move the dear when she notices me coming from the shade of the giant oak Liam and I were in, towards her. I draw my bow back, just in case she’s a threat, but she doesn’t seem to be.

“Nice day to hunt, don’t you agree?” I ask in a friendly tone. A smile spreads across her face as she tries again to pull the dear.

“Yes, it is,” she answers, nodding in an approving way.

“You don’t seem like a threat, but let’s cut to the chase, shall we? Who are you and why are you hunting here?” I ask in a demanding tone. I’ve always been the one who loses their temper, and Liam is the one who calms me down, makes me laugh. But now it’s I who must seem calm to her and Liam who seems to be the violent one.

“I’m Sasha, and I’ve been hunting here for a while. Usually at night though. I came early to see if I could get any good game. Thought I was seeing signs of others around here, but I wasn’t sure. I didn’t mess with your traps, but the bears got to them by the river. I didn’t know this part was owned, or that it could be owned. I thought it was free to everyone of City.”

“But you’re not from City, are you.” It’s a statement, not a question. This tiny girl with light pale skin, dark blue eyes, and dark black hair doesn’t seem familiar to me in any way, and I’m sure if Liam would have known her he wouldn’t have shot at her.

“No, I’m from farther south. I’m from Seeing.” A thousand memories flood back to me just then. Seeing is the place I come from, or came from. Seeing is the place I lost my mother and my home. A place I lost everything dear to me, and I never want to go back.

“Is that so. What brings you out here then, Sasha?” I ask, keeping my calm mask on. She shrugs, tugging on the dear once more. It’s been barely moving the whole time and I know, if she let me at it, I’d be able to lift it on my shoulders and carry it away for her. But I’m not here to show off or show her how I can shoot one arrow from a hundred yards away and still hit the grain on the tree I aimed for. Showing off is for friends and those of us who have nothing to do all day but practice.

“Good hunting I guess,” she answers. “Why are you here?” She asks and for a moment, I wonder if she knows what I’ve been through, if she knows the horror I see in the eyes of everyone I look at. All but Liam.

“What do you mean?” I ask, making myself look confused. She smiles and yanks on the dear’s leg, dragging it with her as she falls into the darkening forest. Then she says something I barely understand.

“Ouin aoac,” she says before disappearing into the forest and I hear the sound while she drags the dead animal away. I’m frozen as she was before. Did she really say that, or was I just imagining things?

Rebel Speak. Barely ever used in the State after what happened years ago. A man named Napam--which translates to Rebel--came up with a code in the early days when there wasn’t just the State, but many States, so that the rebel parties who planned to overthrow the Government could speak freely and no one would ever know what they were saying. This was flaunted in the faces of the Officials and became a common language spoken throughout the States. They plotted freely for years, and there was nothing the Government could do, because they didn’t know a word they were speaking.

But Napam had a plan for the States, and it didn’t involve the Government or the Officials. It involved what he called ‘freedom’. When nearly half of the States became part of the rebellion, there was nothing the Government could do but wait it out until something happened physically. They couldn’t stop the language from being spoken, so what else could they do?

This infuriated the President and he had Napam killed personally, and in front of the entire States. Everyone was forced to watch, and the remaining rebels were soon silenced. The speak didn’t turn up until years later, and then a flood occurred. Not literal, but it could have been. The entire States became involved with overthrowing the Government, that they overlooked one detail. District 69.

District 69 was formed in case the States ever realized they could overpower the Government. The District was a manufacturer of atomic weapons that had enough blast to wipe everyone off the face of the Earth. So the Government made use of these materials, destroying States left and right until there was one left. The State of Legend.

Now, the States have become the State and every human--and fowl man not fit to be called human, like the President and those who work for the Government--live here in Legend. It seems such a tragic story, but it got us where we are today, and that’s a lot better than it was then. I couldn’t imagine the horror someone would see just by looking outside a window. Houses were burned, people were killed, and that wasn’t the Government’s part.

I take a moment to take it all in, not completely sure that I was just dreaming about the words. Ouin aoac. ‘Your eyes’. The something else hits. My eyes? She knows about my eyes? What exactly do other see in my eyes other than the terrible black rims around my awkwardly red eyes? Or maybe that’s what she was saying. My eyes aren’t a gift as many people would think, it’s a curse, if anything. And the only person who knows of this unspoken ‘gift’ would be Liam. Liam!

I’m suddenly unfrozen and I have the urge to tell him everything that’s happened, but I have no clue where he is, where I am. I can find my way back if I knew where the river was, but it’s dark now, so finding it is a slim to none chance. But I have excellent hearing, and this is the time I need to use it. I block out the sound of my heart beating loudly, and I listen closely for any sound of water. Then I hear it, maybe thirty yards from me, judging by how clear the noise is.

I close my eyes, using only my ears to find the river and my hands to feel for the trees. There’s no use in keeping my eyes open when I can’t even see the hands in front of me? It doesn’t take me long to find it and make my way back to Liam’s house.

I’m still not used to calling it my own. Just because I stay there, doesn’t make it my own. It’s more like something temporary until I can find my own place.

When I get there, Koda is sitting on Kori’s lap. Kori is Liam’s older brother, and he doesn’t seem to like me very much. He never has, which was probably why Liam never told me what he said about me when they first found me.

But all things aside, he looked at me with a pleading look. Koda was crying, and I realized Liam wasn’t with them. What was going on? Where was Liam? Was he hurt? Then I thought he might not be the one I have to worry about, and realization hits…
Last edited by ForsakenAngel on Sun May 01, 2011 2:44 am, edited 2 times in total.
Hakuna Matata <3
RIP to all my friends who didn’t make it.

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Hello, I'm Chelseam2, and I shall be reviewing your story today.

forsakinshadow wrote:“Liam!” I yelp, pushing the bow sideways, making him miss. The girl looks up towards where we are in the tree. Her entire body, which wasn’t much, freezes.

“What, Leda? She shot our game, she’s trespassing on our family land, and she killed my game!” He’s losing his calm facade. I’ve never seen him like this before, and it scares me. He’s overreacting about game? Somehow I can’t believe that’s the only reason.

“And that gives you the right to shoot her?” Actually, it does. If she is trespassing on family land like he says and she’s been killing off his game, he has every right to kill her. But Liam isn’t someone who usually does things like that.

“You just don’t understand,” he mutters, putting his bow over his shoulder and putting the rest of his arrows back in the quiver. “You just don’t understand.”

For some reason I have the urge to demand him explain, to yell at him and say that I don’t, but I can’t. Liam is the person who is in control of the house now that his father has fallen ill and I don’t want to be on his bad side if he decides to throw me out. But I do want him to explain. I want to know why now of all times, he’s ready to kill someone for taking game away from him.

The girl is still bellow us, and she doesn’t move as Liam climbs down and makes his way in the opposite direction back home. I feel sorry for her, but most of all, I feel sorry for him. He has a lot to deal with and this just adds to it. Now he wont be able to go home and tell his family he brought back food, because the day is deadening and the sun is disappearing behind the evergreens and oaks.

I climb down slowly as not to scare her any more. I want to know who she is, what she’s doing out here, and why -it is- (Take this out) someone so little can hunt so well. But if it’s one thing I learned, it’s not the size that matters. As long as you can bears (I'm sure you didn't mean to put the 's' there.) a weapon, you can win.

The girl tries to move the deer when she notices me coming from the shade of the giant oak Liam and I were in, towards her. I draw my bow back, just in case she’s a threat, but she doesn’t seem to be.

“Nice day to hunt, don’t you agree?” I ask in a friendly tone. A smile spreads across her face as she tries again to pull the deer.

“Yes, it is,” she answers, nodding in an approving way.

“You don’t seem like a threat, but let’s cut to the chase, shall we? Who are you and why are you hunting here?” I ask in a demanding tone. I’ve always been the one who loses their temper. Liam is the one who calms me down, and makes me laugh. But, now, it’s I who must seem calm to her, and Liam who seems to be the violent one. (This last sentence sounds a little strange.)

“I’m Sasha, and I’ve been hunting here for a while. Usually at night, though. I came early to see if I could get any good game. Thought I was seeing signs of others around here, but I wasn’t sure. I didn’t mess with your traps, but the bears got to them by the river. I didn’t know this part was owned, or that it could be owned. I thought it was free to everyone of City.”

“But you’re not from City, are you.” It’s a statement, not a question. This tiny girl with light pale skin, dark blue eyes, and dark black hair doesn’t seem familiar to me in any way, and I’m sure if Liam would have known her he wouldn’t have shot at her.

“No, I’m from farther south. I’m from Seeing.” A thousand memories flood back to me just then. Seeing is the place I come from, or came from. Seeing is the place I lost my mother and my home. A place I lost everything dear to me, and I never want to go back.

“Is that so? What brings you out here then, Sasha?” I ask, keeping my calm mask on. She shrugs, tugging on the deer once more. It’s been barely moving the whole time, and I know, if she let me at it, I’d be able to lift it on my shoulders and carry it away for her. But I’m not here to show off, or show her how I can shoot an arrow from a hundred yards away, but still hit the grain on the tree I aimed for. Showing off is for friends, and those of us who have nothing to do all day but practice.

“Good hunting, I guess,” she answers. “Why are you here?” She asks and for a moment, I wonder if she knows what I’ve been through, if she knows the horror I see in the eyes of everyone I look at. All but Liam.

“What do you mean?” I ask, making myself look confused. She smiles and yanks on the dear’s leg, dragging it with her as she falls into the darkening forest. Then she says something I barely understand.

“Ouin aoac,” she says before disappearing into the forest and I hear the sound while she drags the dead animal away. I’m frozen as she was before. Did she really say that, or was I just imagining things?

Rebel Speak. It was barely ever used in the State after what happened years ago. A man named Napam--which translates to Rebel--came up with a code in the early days when there wasn’t just the State, but many other States, so that the rebel parties who planned to overthrow the Government could speak freely, and no one would ever know what they were saying. This was flaunted in the faces of the Officials, and became a common language spoken throughout the States. They plotted freely for years, and there was nothing the Government could do, because they didn’t know a word they were speaking.

But Napam had a plan for the States, and it didn’t involve the Government or the Officials. It involved what he called ‘freedom’. When nearly half of the States became part of the rebellion, there was nothing the Government could do but wait it out until something happened physically. They couldn’t stop the language from being spoken, so what else could they do?

This infuriated the President and he had Napam killed personally, and in front of the entire States. Everyone was forced to watch, and the remaining rebels were soon silenced. The speak didn’t turn up until years later, and then a flood occurred. Not literal, but it could have been. The entire States became involved with overthrowing the Government, that they overlooked one detail. District 69.

District 69 was formed in case the States ever realized they could overpower the Government. The District was a manufacturer of atomic weapons that had enough blast to wipe everyone off the face of the Earth. So the Government made use of these materials, destroying States left and right until there was one left. The State of Legend.

Now, the States have become the State and every human--and fowl man not fit to be called human, like the President and those who work for the Government--live here in Legend. It seems such a tragic story, but it got us where we are today, and that’s a lot better than it was then. I couldn’t imagine the horror someone would see just by looking outside a window. Houses were burned, people were killed, and that wasn’t the Government’s part.

I take a moment to take it all in, not completely sure that I was just dreaming about the words. Ouin aoac. ‘Your eyes’. The something else hits. My eyes? She knows about my eyes? What exactly do other see in my eyes other than the terrible black rims around my awkwardly red eyes? Or maybe that’s what she was saying. My eyes aren’t a gift as many people would think, it’s a curse, if anything. And the only person who knows of this unspoken ‘gift’ would be Liam. Liam.

I’m suddenly unfrozen, and I have the urge to tell him everything that’s happened, but I have no clue where he is, or where I am. I can find my way back if I knew where the river was, but it’s dark now, so finding it is a slim to none chance. But I have excellent hearing, and this is the time I need to use it. I block out the sound of my heart beating loudly, and I listen closely for any sound of water. Then I hear it, maybe thirty yards from me, judging by how clear the noise is. (Too many 'but's?)

I close my eyes, using only my ears to find the river and my hands to feel for the trees. There’s no use in keeping my eyes open when I can’t even see the hands in front of me. It doesn’t take me long to find it and make my way back to Liam’s house.

I’m still not used to calling it my own. Just because I stay there, doesn’t make it my own. It’s more like something temporary until I can find my own place.

When I get there, Koda is sitting on Kori’s lap. Kori is Liam’s older brother, and he doesn’t seem to like me very much. He never has, which was probably why Liam never told me what he said about me when they first found me.

But all things aside, he looked at me with a pleading look. Koda was crying, and I realized Liam wasn’t with them. What was going on? Where was Liam? Was he hurt? Then I thought he might not be the one I have to worry about, and realization hits…


All in all, I LOVED it. You expressed thought and emotions in a free, smooth way. The conversations, reactions, and scenes were very real, like they could actually happen. Very nice.
On a side note, check over your point-of-view. It sounded a little funny at times. But, otherwise, it was great, and I can't wait to hear more from you.
~Chelseam2

Insane, and, ba-da-ba-ba-ba, I'm lovin' it!




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A very well stitched book. I like how a simple word sparks an important memory, it gives a sense of reality to a fictional novel.
Explosive Ordinance Disposal




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hola forsakinshadow! I'm going to review this now... (I can never think of anything witty to say before I review something.)

grammar edit
word edit
comments

Anyways, here I go:

“Liam!” I yelp, pushing the bow sideways and making him miss. The girl looks up towards where we are in the tree. Her entire body- which wasn’t much- freezes.

“What Leda? She shot our game, she’s trespassing on our family land, she killed my game!” He’s losing his calm façade. I’ve never seen him like this before, and it scares me. He’s over reacting about game? Somehow I can’t believe that’s the only reason.

“And that gives you the right to shoot her?” Actually, it does. If she is trespassing on family land like he says and she’s been killing off his game, he has every right to kill her. But Liam isn’t someone who usually does things like that.

“You just don’t understand,” he mutters, putting his bow over his shoulder and putting the rest of his arrows back in the quiver. “You just don’t understand.”

For some reason I have the urge to demand him explain, to yell at him and say that I don’t, but I can’t. Liam is the person who is in control of the house now that his father has fallen ill and I don’t want to be on his bad side if he decides to throw me out. But I do want him to explain. I want to know why now of all times, he’s ready to kill someone for taking game away from him.

The girl is still bellow us, and she doesn’t move as Liam climbs down and makes his way in the opposite direction back home. I feel sorry for her, but most of all, I feel sorry for him. < I'm not sure why, but the fact that "but most of all" is surrounded by commas seems wrongHe has a lot to deal with and this just adds to it. Now he won't be able to go home and tell his family he brought back food, because the day is deadening and the sun is disappearing behind the evergreens and oaks.

I climb down slowly as not to scare her even more. I want to know who she is, what she’s doing out here, and why it is someone so little can hunt so well. But if it’s one thing I learned, it’s not the size that matters; as long as you can bears a weapon, you can win.<(just thought I'd point out the S

The girl tries to move the dear deerwhen she notices me coming from the shade of the giant oak Liam and I were in, towards her. I draw my bow back, just in case she’s a threat, but she doesn’t seem to be. Perhaps you could change both of these sentences a bit, as they are a little hard to understand.

“Nice day to hunt, don’t you agree?” I ask in a friendly tone. A smile spreads across her face as she tries again to pull the dear.deer

“Yes, it is,” she answers, nodding in an approving way.

“You don’t seem like a threat, but let’s cut to the chase, shall we? Who are you and why are you hunting here?” I ask in a demanding tone. I’ve always been the one who loses their temper; Liam is the one who calms me down, makes me laugh. But now it’s I who must seem calm to her and Liam who seems to be the violent one.

“I’m Sasha, (I love this name!)and I’ve been hunting here for a while. Usually at night though. I came early to see if I could get any good game. I thought I was seeing signs of others around here, but I wasn’t sure. I didn’t mess with your traps, but the bears got to them by the river. I didn’t know this part was owned, or that it could be owned. I thought it was free to everyone of City.”

“But you’re not from City, are you.” It’s a statement, not a question. This tiny girl with light pale skin, dark blue eyes, and dark black hair doesn’t seem familiar to me in any way, and I’m sure if Liam would have known her he wouldn’t have shot at her.

“No, I’m from farther south. I’m from Seeing.” A thousand memories flood back to me just then. Seeing is the place I come from, or came from. Seeing is the place I lost my mother and my home. A place I lost everything dear to me, and I never want to go back to

“Is that so? What brings you out here then, Sasha?” I ask, keeping my calm mask on. She shrugs, tugging on the deer once more. It’s been barely moving the whole time but I know if she let me at it, I’d be able to lift it on my shoulders and carry it away for her how I can shoot one arrow from a hundred yards away and still hit the grain on the tree I aimed for. Showing off is for friends and those of us who have nothing to do all day but practice. But I’m not here to show off or show her. < She already said she wasn't there to show off

“Good hunting I guess,” she answers. “Why are you here?” She asks and for a moment, I wonder if she knows what I’ve been through, if she knows the horror I see in the eyes of everyone I look at. Does she see horror in everyone's eyes, as in they are all horrified? Or did you mean "Horrors"?All but Liam.

“What do you mean?” I ask, making myself look confused. She smiles and yanks on the dear’s deer'sleg, dragging it with her as she falls into the darkening forest. Then she says something I barely understand.

“Ouin aoac,” she says before disappearing into the forest and I hear the sound while she drags the dead animal away. I’m frozen as she was before. Did she really say that, or was I just imagining things?
Rebel Speak. Barely ever used in the State after what happened years ago.(this sentence is a fragment. While sometimes that can work, it does not seem to go very well here) A man named Napam--which translates to Rebel--came up with a code in the early days when there wasn’t just the State, but many States, so that the rebel parties who planned to overthrow the Government could speak freely and no one would ever know what they were saying.this sentence is a bit long... This was flaunted in the faces of the Officials and became a common language spoken throughout the States. They plotted freely for years, and there was nothing the Government could do, because they didn’t know a word they were speaking.Maybe saying would sound better here?

But Napam had a plan for the States, and it didn’t involve the Government or the Officials. It involved what he called ‘freedom’. When nearly half of the States became part of the rebellion, there was nothing the Government could do but wait it out until something happened physically. They couldn’t stop the language from being spoken, so what else could they do?

This infuriated the President and he had Napam killed personally, and in front of the entire States. Everyone was forced to watch, and the remaining rebels were soon silenced. The speak didn’t turn up until years later, and then a flood occurred. Not literal, but it could have been. The entire States became involved with overthrowing the Government, that they overlooked one detail. District 69.

District 69 was formed in case the States ever realized they could overpower the Government. The District was a manufacturer of atomic weapons that had enough blast to wipe everyone off the face of the Earth. So the Government made use of these materials, destroying States left and right until there was one left. The State of Legend. (niiiicccce >:D)
Now, the States have become the State and every human--and fowlfoul man not fit to be called human, like the President and those who work for the Government--live here in Legend. It seems such a tragic story, but it got us where we are today, and that’s a lot better than it was then. I couldn’t imagine the horror someone would see just by looking outside a window. Houses were burned, people were killed, and that wasn’t the Government’s part.

I take a moment to take it all in, not completely sure that I was just dreaming about the words. Ouin aoac. ‘Your eyes’. The something else hits. My eyes? She knows about my eyes? What exactly do other see in my eyes other than the terrible black rims around my awkwardly red eyes? Or maybe that’s what she was saying. My eyes aren’t a gift as many people would think, it’s a curse, if anything. And the only person who knows of this unspoken ‘gift’ would be Liam. Liam.I don't think Liam should be repeated

I’m suddenly unfrozen and I have the urge to tell him everything that’s happened, but I have no clue where he is or where I am. I can find my way back if I knew where the river was, but it’s dark now, so finding it is a slim to none chance. But I have excellent hearing, and this is the time I need to use it. I block out the sound of my heart beating loudly, and I listen closely for any sound of water. Then I hear it, maybe thirty yards from me, judging by how clear the noise is.

I close my eyes, using only my ears to find the river and my hands to feel for the trees. What's the use in keeping my eyes open when I can’t even see the hands in front of me? It doesn’t take me long to find it and make my way back to Liam’s house.

I’m still not used to calling it my own. Just because I stay there doesn’t make it my own. It’s more like something temporary until I can find my own place.

When I get there, Koda is sitting on Kori’s lap. Kori is Liam’s older brother, and he doesn’t seem to like me very much. He never has, which was probably why Liam never told me what he said about me when they first found me.

But all things aside, he looked at me with a pleading look. Koda was crying,Who is Koda? Is he/she Kori's little brother? and I realized Liam wasn’t with them. What was going on? Where was Liam? Was he hurt? Then I thought he might not be the one I have to worry about, and realization hits…



Arg, a cliffhanger! I must know what happens.

Overall, you had a few spelling mistakes. You spelled "Deer" "dear" multiple times. Is that just a typo or is there a certain reason for doing that? I already forgot all grammar corrections I did but that probably means I didn't find many ;)
The story is enjoyable to read. I really like Sasha (sh's all lttle and adorable...) and I'm curious about what happens next. Keep it up!




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Ok, so I edited parts of it, like changing 'dear' to 'deer' (sorry about that one, I'm dislexic and I spell things wrong all the time). Also, Chickensandwitch, you pointed out that there was a second 'Liam' somewhere. I forget that even though I italicize (sp) things on Word, it doesn't show up like that on here, so I changed it and added and '!' at the end. Though I got a few things edited, I'll work on fixing my other mistakes when I'm not half asleep. Thanks for reviewing guys, you're all helpful!

~Shadow~
Hakuna Matata <3
RIP to all my friends who didn’t make it.

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