Yet Another Jealousy Story

I don't know what's gotten into me with this sudden cliche rhyming scheme but God, I pray it goes away.

and if you had taken me away,
the way you said you knew how
you'd be sitting in a motel with me
regretting that anxious vow
you dealt to me anticipating
that I'd give my life to you, but
I never knew how to say
"there's so little I can do"

as you twirl hair in your fingers
that isn't exactly yours
my envy is pulling for tears
as I hear her screaming "more" and
I hear the seconds go on
I'm wondering if I'd ever find
the next to nothing we shared
in the far edge of your mind.

Well, I must say I liked the poem. BUT I didn't like the rhyming scheme...if you could have said the same thing without rhyme, I would be much happier with it.

Brian

the way you said you knew how

this line is awkward to me.

i actually enjoyed the rhyme scheme, though the rhythm seems off-beat. sometimes the simplest rhymes actually can, believe it or not, add to a poem.

Yeah, it's hard after I've been writing songs for so long to write poetry because the rhyming scheme (when you're trying to rhyme, of course) is really hard and you don't always get to say what you want...
But yeah...these two poems were just something I did when I couldn't think of a song...I don't feel poetry at all anymore.

I like the way it starts out with a conjuction, because it seems to pull me in right off, but I didn't get a whole lot of feeling, a whole lot of emotion from this poem. I do enjoy the way you play with words though, Morgan, because your poetry is always at least interesting.

I think part of what saved the poem from me really not liking it was the title. Overall, nice work.