Jonah In the Night- Chapter Two

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Hey there. To anyone who hasn't first read the Prologue and Chapter one first, do so. This chapter's shorter than the last one because it's purpose is pretty straightforward. That's right- this is the turning point.


Chapter Two

It was a long, discomforting note- that incessant noise, ringing buzz. I stopped it with a slap. A dragging emptiness swallowed my soul. Stupid alarm clock, stupid 5 A.M., stupid life, stupid…

I turned my head about my room, a vestibule of neatness. Neatness, hmmm, not my doing- that’s what a maid is for.

I rolled out of bed and landed in a frontward break fall. I brushed my teeth and showered and listened to the morning metal-core playlist.

Rick barged in, “Got any-“

“- No.”

“Did you check the-“

“Yes, Rick. You’ve asked every morning.”

I see his bearded face through the rippled glass; I feel my own stubble, and note that shaving cream is a must in this house. I’m tempted to skip my morning workout and head to the drugstore. Then again, nothing’s worth that sense of accomplishment. I wish my mom would shop for stuff like she used to. Our maid, Sylvie, never runs to the store.

“Do you mind?” I said.

Rick left the bathroom in a flurry. With this guy in the house practically everyday, he’s become more like an annoying older brother than a family bodyguard.

Rick’s medium-sized, toned, with shaggy red hair. Everything about him says USMC, especially a black tattoo the size of my fist on his right shoulder (with those inscribed letters, of course).

In the downtime between operations, he learned several languages and much about security technology. My father’s company hired him as a weapons tester for several years, which acquainted him with my family.

When Rick became Navy SEAL material, my father snagged him up before the government could. He’s protected my father on business trips ever since. My father’s away now, but Rick stayed behind, which he doesn’t normally do.

I left the shower and dressed for a long workout- shorts and a T-shirt. On my way out the door, I saw my mother making breakfast for four. From the foyer, I peered into the kitchen. Her tassels of long black hair swayed gently while the food simmered and four gray plates sat on the counter. What’s she doing this early?

I walked in, cautious of what she might do. Her depression had been severe for a while. A step farther and a plastic clack resounded on the large, tiled floor. A container of pills- empty… Her eyes are red!

I panicked and bounded across the room. Her skin was cold under my touch. She whimpered lightly.

“Mom!”

“Fine… I- I’m fine. I’m fine. Jonah, I love you. Don’t worry about me- it’s ok. You’re a good boy, Jonah. I love you. Good boy, my son.”

“Stop that!” I shake her, “What did you do?”

She stares at the empty bottle. Tears fall from her eyes. I’m too panicked for tears, only shock.

“I didn’t… take them all! They’re in… the trash! I threw those little devils out; they were killing me… pulling me down!”

She sobbed; I pulled her in close, so relieved. Her eyes were red from tears, and now mine were as well. We cried together, over Simeon, over dad, over the years lost to her depression.

I held her there, my mom- the woman who raised me. She urged me to go, to work out, but I only wanted to comfort her and stop her tears. I wanted her to be free of pain, to cry over Simeon and for that emotion to be enough. Her depression was a prison cell. Letting it out was always enough for me. For her, though, there was a greater need.

She needed Simeon back. She needed dad to be dad again. My mom needed the family to be as it once was, with four plates at the table.

I turned off the stove and put the plates back. She sat in her usual seat, still wiping tears from her eyes. We talked for an hour.

Everything to her was a memory. Me. Dad. Simeon. To her, there was no here and now. It was ultimate confusion, nostalgia, and sadness. And yet, I loved her for it. She was always a strong woman. This moment of weakness was a surprise to me. At least she would no longer succumb to her depression, and instead rise to the tasks at hand.

Eventually, I left the house. Thirty minutes of jogging later I came to that usual place in the middle of nowhere, a field abandoned by someone who didn’t love the land as I do.

Pushup after pushup, crunch after crunch, I strengthened. The sun was yellow and white behind the clouds, barely shining. The earth was dewy and sheathed in grass. I stood there alone, feeling on top of the world.

A punching bag hanging from a tree marked my usual workout area. Plastic, cement-filled selector weights depressed the green ground. Grass was bent and parted where I’d laid every morning for the past year since I first saw Rick working out at five A.M.

Rick was my inspiration to work out so early. He maintained that no one needed more than six hours of sleep in a night. All that stuff about ten hours of sleep, he said, was wrong. Every morning he rose to the occasion in our home’s intricate workout room, benching three hundred pounds, running the treadmills. It was fun to work with him for the first few months, but then I decided to go solo. I reasoned that being out in the wild would do more for me.

Here, in the wilderness, I was safe from domestic worries. I was safe from the wiles of the world, from interacting with people, from offending people, from defending people, from making myself known, or unknown. I didn’t want to be choked or stifled by civilization, like “death by wallpaper1”… enough said.

And yet, even here, where I came to strengthen, on a tumultuous day such as this, I felt someone watching me. I couldn’t escape the eyes, so I stood up, and looked out. Sure enough, a man watched me from afar.

I blinked and looked up, at the bristled old tree and the punching bag. How does one fall asleep while crunching?

I then realized that I hadn’t been sleeping while crunching, that the man watching me was very real, and that a dart was lodged in my skull. Everything I knew left me- forever- as I slipped into black…


1~Drops Like Stars, by Rob Bell
Last edited by Formslipper on Sun May 01, 2011 9:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Wooo Chapter Two!

First, I'll get nitpicks out of the way.

I rolled out of bed and landed in a frontward break fall.


The part I put in bold confuses me a bit. Try clarifying it. What is a frontward break fall?

my father snagged him up before the government could.


"Snagged" doesn't sound right in this sentence. "Snatched" would be better.

What’s she doing this early?


Add "up" in between the "doing" and "this".

I walked in, cautious of what she might do. Her depression had been severe for a while. A step farther and a plastic clack resounded on the large, tiled floor. A container of pills- empty… Her eyes are red!


In my opinion, everything after this point moves way too fast. First, Jonah has a meaningful conversation with his depressed mother, then he goes to work out, and then bam, suddenly his life changes forever, all in Chapter 2. Slow down. Take some time to describe his mother's depression, take some time to describe Jonah's routine. Describe the house. You don't have to use huge paragraphs to describe everything, just enough to slow down the pacing a little bit.

I couldn't find anything else wrong with this. The first part of this chapter was magnificent. The pacing was perfect; you added in just enough description and background information. Jonah's character is developing quite nicely (I'm actually starting to get really attached to him!). Just slow down the last half of the chapter and you'll be good to go. :)

Post more SOON!

- Jelly
"Whatever will happen, will happen. You either face it as a coward or you face it as a hero." - O.R. Melling

Write Like A Girl

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Yay chapter 2!

There were a few mistakes, clack instead of clock, I think. And also, I feel as though dad should be capitalized when in first person, unless you're saying "my dad."

I love this story because it's so booky, or reads really well.

Now on to the content, I feel like the rich boy with the sad-depressed mother and often gone working father is a little cliche (not to be harsh) for a rich kid, but it works so well, it's not over generalized in this story. Also, I was a little confused when his mother was cooking, if they're so rich, shouldn't there be a chef or housekeeper cooking their meals? And I think there should be a little more detail on the kitchen scene before his mother just breaks down, it works, but I'm needing a build up.

I really like the whole going to workout in a vacant field and having it all set up so he could soak up the sun and just be one with the mind and just work out. And the cliff-hanger ending or just the whole dart thing? Mysterious my friend, perhaps this has something to do with Adara?

And as always, I adore the vocab and the description, I really wish I had this talent!

keep writing amazingly,

Grandison




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@Jelly, I read it. I realize what you're saying; I'm gonna extend it, perhaps even into two chapters, but we'll see. Any suggestions on what type of descriptions would be great. Thanks for the review!

@Grandison, I read it. Thank you again, but I admit that most of my vocabulary comes from excessive thesaurus usage, and most of my prose comes from reading a lot. I'm starting to realize how iffy it is for Jonah to be darted out of the blue... Maybe you could give me a suggestion as to what would make that less cheesy? Anyway, thanks for the review!




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Hiya!

So, I read your prologue and I found it really interesting and then I decided to stop by. Chapter 1 was way too long, and I'd suggest you put in a summary of the previous chapter before each new chapter. That way, you'd get more readers who would be happy to review as the chapter mount up.

So, I shall comment on this, with no knowledge of the first chapter, so sorry if some of my comments are useless.

I like your mix of dialogue and description. It's pretty strong and it works pretty well.
I left the shower and dressed for a long workout- shorts and a T-shirt. On my way out the door, I saw my mother making breakfast for four. From the foyer, I peered into the kitchen. Her tassels of long black hair swayed gently while the food simmered and four gray plates sat on the counter. What’s she doing this early?
I didn't like this entire paragraph. It's boring and too physical descriptive. To a reader, it will sound boring if you say he wore shorts and Tee. Just say dressed for a work out. The next thing is the description of his mom. Tassels is a good word, yes, but the way you use it, it sounds awkward. Try working out the phrases in this.

on a tumultuous day such as this,
Don't use tumultuous. Find another adjective. It's a little awkwardly phrased.

Also; a note on the end, try to avoid ellipses. It creates a false sense of dramatic tension. Show us the tension with description, not punctuation.

Good luck with this!
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





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I read it, Lava. I see what you're saying. Would you have gone over Chapter One if it were split up? Because, Chapter One is probably the most crucial segment of my novel :/

Anyway, thank you for the review! And read on.




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It was a long, discomforting note- that incessant noise, ringing buzz I didn‘t really understand what this meant at first . I stopped it with a slap. A dragging emptiness swallowed my soul. Stupid alarm clock, stupid 5 A.M., stupid life, stupid…
Not my favorite start to a chapter. It’s grossly overused (the alarm clock opening sequence: BEEP BEEP. Main character groans loudly and mopes about having to wake up early before getting out of bed and starting boring morning routine.).

I turned my head about my room, a vestibule cool word xD of neatness. Neatness, hmmm, not my doing- that’s what a maid is for.

I rolled out of bed and landed in a frontward break fall. I brushed my teeth and showered and listened to the morning metal-core playlist.
You started the last three sentences with ‘I’ so I would switch it up a little here.
I rolled out of bed and landed in a frontward break fall (what is this btw?). Turning up the volume to my morning metal-core play list, I finished brushing my teeth and jumped in the shower.
Maybe you could even make this even more original. Does he have bad bed-head in the morning? Does he wake up with the sheets tangled all around him? What flavor toothpaste does he use? Does he hum or dance to the music or just kind of listen to it? These are just a few ideas of stuff you can add to his character.

Rick barged in, “Got any-“

“- No.”

“Did you check the-“

“Yes, Rick. You’ve asked every morning.”

I see his bearded face through the rippled glass; I feel my own stubble, and note that shaving cream is a must in this house. I’m tempted to skip my morning workout and head to the drugstore. Then again, nothing’s worth that sense of accomplishment of working out, I‘m assuming? . I wish my mom would shop for stuff like she used to. Our maid, Sylvie, never runs to the store. I really like this paragraph. Very well done.

“Do you mind?” I said. I really like how you are comfortable with just using simple ‘said’ dialogue tags. Some writers might change this to ‘hissed’ or ‘exasperated’ or something, but it would just be cheesy. I love how you value simplicity.

Rick left the bathroom in a flurry. With this guy in the house practically everyday, he’s become more like an annoying older brother than a family bodyguard.

Rick’s at first I thought ‘Rick’s’ was in possessive form. I would stick with a simple ‘Rick is’ medium-sized, toned, with shaggy red hair. Everything about him says USMC, especially a black tattoo the size of my fist on his right shoulder (with those inscribed letters, of course).

In the downtime between operations, he learned several languages and much about security technology. My father’s company hired him as a weapons tester for several years, which acquainted him with my family.

When Rick became Navy SEAL I’m probably dumb, but I don’t know what USMC or SEAL is x) If you don’t want to include it in his narrating, stick a * by it and tell us at the end of the chapter material, my father snagged him up before the government could. He’s protected my father on business trips ever since. My father’s away now, but Rick stayed behind, which he doesn’t normally do. Away? So shouldn’t Rick be… you know… bodygaurding him?

I left the shower and dressed for a long workout- shorts and a T-shirt. On my way out the door, I saw my mother making breakfast for four. From the foyer, I peered into the kitchen. Her tassels should this be tresses? of long black hair swayed gently while the food simmered and four gray plates sat on the counter. What’s she doing this early?

I walked in cautiously , cautious of what she might do. Her depression had been severe for a whiledon‘t tell us this yet. It‘ll be much more surprising and emotional if you just let us find out for ourselves. Having him approach slowly, and the pill bottle falling to the floor, him noticing her red eyes… we can put together the pieces and if we realize this for ourselves it will be much more emotional than you simply telling us that his mom has a problem with depression and drugs. It goes under the ‘show don‘t tell‘ category if you‘ve heard that phrase before (being on YWS I‘d be surprised if you haven‘t xD). A step farther and a plastic clack resounded on the large, tiled floor. A container of pills- empty… Her eyes are red!

I panicked and bounded across the room. Her skin was cold and she whimpered lightly under my touch. She whimpered lightly.

“Mom!”

“Fine… I- I’m fine. I’m fine. Jonah, I love you. Don’t worry about me- it’s ok. You’re a good boy, Jonah. I love you. Good boy, my son.”

“Stop that!” I shake her, “What did you do?”

She stares at the empty bottle. Tears fall from her eyes. I’m too panicked for tears, only shock. probably fear, too.

“I didn’t… take them all! They’re in… the trash! I threw those little devils out; they were killing me… pulling me down!”

She sobbed; I pulled her in close, so relieved. Her eyes were red from tears, and now mine were as well. We cried together, over Simeon, over dad, over the years lost to her depression.

I held her there, my mom- the woman who raised me. She urged me to go, to work out, but I only wanted to comfort her and stop her tears. I wanted her to be free of pain, to cry over Simeon and for that emotion to be enough. Her depression was a prison cell. Letting it out was always enough for me. For her, though, there was a greater need. This is very emotional to me. From the last sentence, I think you really have a good understanding of depression. Most people would just compare it to being sad all the time, or exhausted, but it’s more than that, and you convey that in the last sentence.

She needed Simeon back. She needed dad to be dad again. My mom needed the family to be as it once was, with four plates at the table. *speechless* This is like… the best thing I’ve read in a while. It really makes sense to me.

I turned off the stove and put the plates back. She sat in her usual seat, still wiping tears from her eyes. We talked for an hour.

Everything to her was a memory. Me. Dad. Simeon. To her, there was no here and now. It was ultimate confusion, nostalgia, and sadness. And yet, I loved her for it. She was always a strong woman. This moment of weakness was a surprise to me. At least she would no longer succumb to her depression, and instead rise to the tasks at hand. where do you get this from? Shouldn't you be even more worried for her? I would be questioning if she was getting worse, since her condition is pretty darn bad right now.

Eventually, I left the house. Thirty minutes of jogging later I came to that usual place in the middle of nowhere, a field abandoned by someone who didn’t love the land as I do. i never pegged Jonah as a land-lover. What happened to the bad-boy persona in chapter one?

Pushup after pushup, crunch after crunch, I strengthened. The sun was yellow at first i was like 'the sun was yellow... hmmmmm... interesting concept' and white behind the clouds, barely shining. The earth was dewy and sheathed in grass. I stood there alone, feeling on top of the world.

A punching bag hanging from a tree marked my usual workout area. Plastic, cement-filled selector weights depressed the green ground. Grass was bent and parted where I’d laid every morning for the past year since I first saw Rick working out at five A.M. i like the description of the work out area a lot more than the paragraph telling us about the sky and his pushups. Could you possibly just skip to this part?

Rick was my inspiration to work out so early. He maintained that no one needed more than six hours of sleep in a night. All that stuff about ten hours of sleep, he said, was wrong. Every morning he rose to the occasion in our home’s intricate workout room, benching three hundred pounds, running the treadmills. It was fun to work with him for the first few months, but then I decided to go solo. I reasoned that being out in the wild would do more for me. great job with this paragraph

Here, in the wilderness, I was safe from domestic worries. I was safe from the wiles of the world, from interacting with people, from offending people, from defending people, from making myself known, or unknown. I didn’t want to be choked or stifled by civilization, like “death by wallpaper1”… enough said. haha, death by wallpaper :)

And yet, even here, where I came to strengthen, no comma on a tumultuous day such as this, I felt someone watching me. I couldn’t escape the eyes, so I stood up, and looked out. Sure enough, a man watched me from afar.

I blinked and looked up, no comma at the bristled old tree and the punching bag. How does one fall asleep while crunching?

I then realized that I hadn’t been sleeping while crunching, that the man watching me was very real, and that a dart was lodged in my skull. Everything I knew left me- forever- as I slipped into black…
woah now how did that happen? Why isn't there more?? ARGH!!


Alright, so I hope these comments helped!! Since this was short, I don't have too much else to add. Great job at introducing a lot of things. There isn't much that I think needs to be edited besides the beginning, which I think can be stronger.
I apologize again for the late review (I finally finished the 120+ page novel I was editing) I will be done with chap 3 sooner, I promise! :D
Thanks for the awesome read! Let me know if you have questions!
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk




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I read it. Thank you for the input and encouragement throughout your review. Every little bit helps when it comes to writing. Being a homeschooler, I am taught constantly about composition, and yet I am always learning new things on this site.

120 page novel? What's it about?



The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education.
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