Elle (Chapter 15)

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To all who have been reading and following this story, I apologize. I have been experiencing MAJOR writer's block and haven't had much inspiration to write Elle. I have been writing and re-writing over and over. I'm sorry if I switch tenses, I'm kinda to lazy at the moment to edit. Well, go crazy and tear apart this mess!(:


I nudge my head into a warm, solid object, soaking in the warmth. My eyes flutter open and I look up.

“How was your nap?” Trenton smiles at me.

I laugh, turning so my back is on the cold ground. I really wish I had the gift that elves have. Elves have a
natural gift that keeps them warm during the coldest days with no extra clothing needed.

“How did you know I was here?” I ask, sitting up on my elbows.

“The note on the table. I figured I could come out here with you and enjoy this day.” The way Trenton said it puzzles me. It sounds hopeless, almost as if he were living his last day.

“Ah,” I mutter out.

I feel Trenton’s eyes on me, making me squirm. Luckily, Lyra plastered enough stuff on my face that my flushed cheeks weren’t noticeable. “You never cease to amaze me,” he says.

I turn my head slowly, flushing even more. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know.” Trenton turns to look at the sky. “You always surprise me one way or another.”

“I have never had a friend like you,” I say, laying back down.

Seeming almost hurt, Trenton says, “I, for one, have never had a friend like you.”

I laugh lightly, fitting my head where it originally was when I woke, feeling his warmth all over again.

“Are you cold?” Trenton asks, worried.

“I am alright. I’m warm now,” I say.

The meadow goes silent, and the only sound I can hear is Trenton’s steady heart beat.

“Elle, I want to tell you something.” Trenton leans his head on mine.

“What is it?” I ask, wondering what it can possibly be.

“Elle? Are you out here? We must be going... Oh ” Lyra stumbles through the trees. She catches sight of us. I shoot up, patting down my dress. “Trenton, I thought you were speaking with the King.”

Trenton stands, only more slowly than I, and says, “His orders are final.”

Before I can question what was said, Lyra says, “Well, we don’t want to be late.”

We follow her through the woods and out onto the dirt road. Lyra pulls a strand of grass from my hair, eyeing me up and down for anything else out of place. “Why did you come out here?”

“Needed some time, I suppose.” I honestly don’t have a specific reason.

Lyra nods slightly and we continue walking. All around me were signs of the seasons changing. The dirt road stayed damp from light amounts of rain, the golds painting the canopies. Now, the sun hangs loosely in the sky, threatening to go down. It’s rays light up the colors around me, the water glinting.

I feel Trenton’s arm hook through mine as we walk. The closer we get to the center of the city, the more busier it gets. Decorations are scattered everywhere, lanterns are hanging, ready to be lit.

“Tonight, King Alberic will introduce you. It has been rumored you are here, but not many know for sure,” Lyra whispers.

I nod.

“We need to see the King first,” Lyra says.

“Why?” I ask. I can feel Trenton get stiff.

“So he can present you to his people as an ally.”

“Are you going to stay?” I ask, remembering her patients.

“Yes, all of my patients are healed well enough to come celebrate themselves. Their families have already brought them.” Lyra focuses on getting me to the King.

A huge wall of people stand before us, and we need to get through.

The feast must be in the clearing in the castle.

Lyra forces her way through, Trenton and I are right behind. I keep my head low so no one can catch a glimpse of me. Bodies push against me, shoving me one way then another. A hand grabs my elbow and helps me along. I catch a glimpse of the front gates, and begin to hurry even more. Lyra is talking to the guards. Trenton keeps tugging on my arm to get me through the last line of people. I break through and lift my head up. The guard looks over at me, remembering me from before. He signals his fellow guards to open the gate.

“It’s Elle! It’s her!” I hear a voice in the crowd shriek. Trenton throws me behind him, searching for the owner of the voice. Lyra’s eyes grow wide and she hurries me through the gate, Trenton behind her.

Everything happens so fast, I can’t see except some blurs. I find myself on the other side of the gate and people scrambling to see me. The last free Mover who can save us all. Something I don’t want to be famous for.

“Come on.” Lyra pulls on my arm, tearing my gaze from the people shoving and yelling in amazement.

The clearing is decorated as well, lanterns hanging above us. Tables are also put in place for the big feast. A thrown nearest to the door is set for the King himself with a smaller one on his left side. In front of the silver thrown is a smaller table, but much more intricate, is set for only two people. Is that for me? Why is there only two?

Lyra doesn’t cease to pull harder, so I give in. At her pace, we are in the castle in a short amount of time.

“Why are all those people so... amazed at the sight of me?” I ask Lyra, hoping for an answer that is comforting.

“You are their last hope to a world without war. They believe you can stop this.” This, to me, is not helpful or calming to me at all.

“Oh,” I mumble softly to myself.

On my shoulder, I feel a soft touch. “Just remember, you don’t have to do this alone.” Trenton. He always makes me feel better.

“Ah! Welcome!” King Alberic throws his hands up in salutation, a grin on his face. Trenton drops his hand. I catch a glimpse of King Alberic glancing at Trenton’s hand on my shoulder fall. He looks interested in something that is still unknown to me. What must be so important that I can’t know what it is? Before I can voice my thoughts, King Alberic says, “Glad to see you again, Lyra. How are you?”

“Fine, thank you. I’m guessing everything will go as planned tonight?” Lyra nods her head at her King.

“Yes, I am hoping it will be. Now, Elle, tonight you will be accompanied by Lyra at all times. It is crucial you don’t leave her side.”

“Why?” I ask, crossing my arms slightly, holding myself tightly.

King Alberic looks dismayed as he says, “There is a possibility that we may go under attack tonight. There has been some word of enemy forces threatening to break the line tonight as we are all gathered in one place.”

All because of me...

“Why can’t Trenton accompany me?” I question, hoping to get a meaningful response to help solve this unspeakable thing that is unknown to me.

King Alberic turns his look over to Trenton, then back to me. “Ah, well, your friend Trenton is not trusted... yet.” The last word sounds forced. Trenton grips tightly to my hand, telling me to leave it be. How is he not trusted? He is the one who brought me here. Who is he to say that Trenton is untrustworthy?

“Now, with that settled, the festival will begin soon. Since you are my guest, I wish to treat you like one. You are welcome to stay here now that you are well.” King Alberic waves his arms around to show his castle.

“No thank you,” I say as politely as possible. I am fine where I am.

Lyra gives me a worried look as well as Trenton.

“Oh, why not?” King Alberic almost looks offended.

“I am happy where I am at, sir. I am deeply honored for this offer you have made me, but I don’t wish to take it.”

An awkward silence falls between us. A slow forming sound of footsteps breaks this silence. It’s the cooks with their heaping plates of food. Everything looks good from the berries to the breads and everything in between.

“The feast is about to begin ” King Alberic follows the cooks outside. I try to follow, but get pulled back.

“No,” Lyra says sternfully, making me feel like a young child.

“What about Trenton?” I ask, looking over at my friend.

“Don’t worry, I will be fine. I am seated only a table away from you.” Trenton smiles, hoping to fool me. It doesn’t work. “It will be fine.”

More cooks come by and go through the doors. I catch a peek outside and see people beginning to make their way through the gate to their seats.

These are the people that I am fighting for. I can’t let them down.

The door closes, the torches keeping the room lit well enough. Lyra places her hands on my shoulders, getting a clear view of me.

“My, you do look just like your mother, except for the ears of course.” Lyra smiles, tucking some hair behind my right ear. “She and your father would be so proud of you, they would want this.” More cooks come in and leave with heaping plates.

“Thank you, Lyra,” I say, choking slightly.

“Now, there is no need to cry. Today is supposed to be happy, a celebration!” Lyra hugs me tightly.

Outside, I can hear King Alberic making a speech followed by an applause.

“It’s almost time to make your appearance,” Lyra whispers in my ear. Trenton steps next to me so that I am covered on both sides. The voices around me turn into a low mumble as I feel the energy of the people coursing through me.

Almost if the guards had planned this, they open the doors at the same moment, the cheers blasting through. The sun is setting slightly, leaving the sky to be dyed a pink and orange tint.

“I introduce you to the Mover, Elle ” King Alberic booms.

The people of Abell all cheer loudly as I walk to stand next to the thrown. Every table is filled, food placed throughout.

“It’s her!”

“The Mover is alive!”

“She will save us all!”

Different statements are all being yelled at once.

“Silence!” King Alberic waves his hands in the air, his robes waving in the breeze. Next to him, his son sits in silence. “Now, welcome her and treat her as you would me.”

His people are so loyal to him.

Lyra hooks her arm through mine and leads me to my chair, Trenton following behind to his chair. I nod politely to the King as I sit, then nodding to his people.

“Lets feast and enjoy this night!” King Alberic claps his hands together.

I look around at other tables to see what is appropriate and notice that each plate of food is passed around in a clockwise fashion, and you take what you find appealing, then pass it on. At my table, it’s only Lyra and I, so I watch Lyra instead. She takes whatever food that she wants, so I do the same. The King looks at me with a smile like I am a crown jewel, something fragile, yet a great prize. It feels like I’m an object, a weapon of war. I shy away from his look.

“Try this, you will like it.” Lyra hands over a wooden bowl filled with red mush. I take it with both of my hands and use my spoon to place a small amount on my plate. Spoon in hand, I pick up a small amount of the mush and place it in my mouth. The tart, sweet, and juicy taste fills my mouth. I swallow and I place more on my plate.

A cook comes by, filling my glass with some form of liquid. I take it between my fingers, holding it at an angle. Cautiously, I take a sip. The taste is something that I haven’t experienced before. Almost like it burns my throat in a deliciously tasting fire even though it’s truly not. It leaves my throat feeling chilled, causing me to take another sip of the flame.

Before I know it, I ask for some more. The cook laughs slightly and fills my cup with more. I start eating the food on my plate until my stomach can’t hold anymore. I have completed four cups full of the drink provided by the time I finished. I have a sudden urge to jump up and do something extravagant. My vision has spots of bright colors that blind my peripheral sight.

“Mover, Move something!” I hear a shout from a few tables down.

Almost relieved with the request, I stand up, my foot getting caught on the chair leg. I catch myself and stand up taller. Everyone goes quiet as all eyes are set on me. Lyra tries to sit me back down, but I shrug her off. King Alberic watches me also as I stand in front of him, almost embarrassed. I scan the clearing for a water source, then spy a small fountain of some sort in a corner.

I focus on it, twisting my arms and hands, then throw them up, the water spilling out in a wave. With my hands, I pull the water up into a string and bring it in front of me. Next, I spin it around me until it surrounds my body. To finish, the water shoots into the air then splashes down. I push the water back into the fountain.

I turn towards my audience and they all clap wildly, standing on their feet, cheering me on. Unable to stop myself, I smile proudly. As I turn to go back to my seat, I trip slightly again.

Why do I keep tripping?

“The Mover is drunk!” I hear someone laugh.

I’m drunk?

“I’m fine!” I yell, slouching on my chair.

The only response is laughter.

“Silence!” King Alberic stands. “Now that the feast is complete, let the music and dancing begin!”

The people of Abell stand up from their seats and go to the center of the clearing where most of the lanterns are hung. The cooks clean up the messes and push back the tables to create enough space. Music starts from an unknown source and the group of people begin to get into a formation. They swing and twist, dip and twirl, laugh and skip through the whole song. I have never seen anything like it before. The elves grace makes it even more beautiful.

The lanterns swing to and fro, their lights playing on the hard stone, giving it the impression of fire. Children try to catch the little sparks of light, seeing it as a game. Stars start to sparkle in the sky as it darkens. A beautiful, clear night.

Now all that’s left of the feast are a few chairs and tables. Out of the corner of my eye, I spy a group making a huge fire with flints.

“Come on, it’s a festival!” Lyra tugs on my arm for me to join the festivities. I laugh as I join in the dancing, not knowing the correct steps. No matter, the elves don’t mind. I fall into someone accidently as my feet intertwine with another. I apologize, voice slurred.

Throughout the dance, many elves hug me, saying I am their savior. I am their last hope.

I see Trenton sitting at a table, a cup of water in his hand. Lyra catches my eye, and sees what I am eyeing.

“Is anything going on between you two?” she asks me.

Embarrassed, I scramble with an excuse. “No, we are just friends.” I’m not lying, but why does it feel that way? It is true, we are just friends, right?

“From my view, it doesn’t seem that way.” Lyra is unconvinced.

“I think Trenton views me as a friend, so I see him the same,” I say.

“I don’t think he sees you that way. I think it’s you trying to convince yourself of that.” Lyra smiles. What is she talking about? We are friends. Maybe she drank too much and her reasoning is getting cloudy. Trenton is a friend. Why do I get the feeling that she isn’t telling me something?

“No...” I shake my head.

“He loves you, Elle.” Lyra lifts my head up. Her gaze shifts to the King who sits on his thrown and back at me. “You need to see that. From the moment you came into my home as a patient, he didn’t leave your side, waiting for you to wake up.”

“Lyra, I think you had to much to drink,” I say, laughing. My chuckles are cut short by a hiccup.

“No, Elle. Listen to me. He is leaving tonight. King Alberic dislikes humans greatly and wishes him to be gone. He can see that you two care for each other and doesn’t want it to happen. He sees it as a distraction, also forbidden.” Lyra whispers in my ear. “That’s what happened to your parents. It was forbidden. When your parents had you, it started an uprising against him. He doesn’t want that to occur again.”

“I think you need to go sit down,” I say, trying to lead Lyra back to an empty chair. She must be lying, that’s not possible, is it? I don’t love him, or I don’t think I do. Do I? When we were in the tree, escaping the servants... No, that was different. She must be lying about me parents. I knew it was forbidden, but an uprising?

“Elle, I need to talk to you.” Trenton comes up from behind me. Lyra sighs, and lets go of my arm.




Thanks for reading!(:
Katie ^-^




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Hey there Katie! Glad you posted!

Okay, well, I'm going to try to make this fast because I'm at work.

Tenses: you're right, they're all over the place but I know you can spot them easily.

Sentences: You need to go over them.
I catch a glimpse of King Alberic glancing at Trenton’s hand on my shoulder fall. He looks interested in something that is still unknown to me

Sentences like that one are a mouthful and need to be shortened because I read it twice trying to understand your meaning. It seems just very unclear, as if your purposely trying to be mysteries. Something more direct like, "I was confused and needed answers." Or something like that would help clear up instead of long word sentences.

Elle: As before, I noticed how you don't give her inner thoughts. Why doesn't she sit with the King? Even knowing she might insult him? Even knowing Tristan wouldn't be there with her? Why isn't she more panicked at the idea of not having him with her? What exactly is she thinking as the crowd cheers her? Panic? Relief?
This has been your problem since the very beginning. I can't complete relate to her because I have no idea what she's thinking and why she acts like she does. Big problem, considering she's in 1st person.

Recap: Help! You haven't posted in months and I wasn't sure where we left off. Next time, please just do a small recap of the last chapter.

And that was it. I'm intrigued to see where this is going, with Tristan being banned. Please post more soon because I've missed this story and can't wait to read more.

Cheers!

Tanya :D




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Hello.

First, I'd like to say I haven't read the previous chapters. As Born said, it'd be a good idea to include a recap of what's been going on, so it's a bit easier to review!

However, I've noticed some stuff with your dialogue and tags. Since your chapter is mostly dialogue, I think you should spend a bit more time polishing it up.

Dialogue: You have an elf, and somebody who is close to them but is lacking some of their gifts. While elves tend to have a language that's rather formal, but "formal" does not mean "cut out all contractions." A contraction is something like "don't", which sounds a lot more natural to say and often hear. You use one or two contractions, but don't use them where we, as readers, expect it.

When writing formal dialogue you shouldn't make it so formal it sounds unnatural; I've found that's what happened here. This article is about how to write more natural dialogue.

Tags: Tags are anything that indicate the character is speaking. I divide them into two types: "said tags" which include some sort of verb to indicate how the character said a line, and "action tags" where a character's movements show who's speaking and how they say it.

I find you've got a few things going on here. First, you only put tags after dialogue. This, especially for action tags, is distracting. It's perfectly fine to give the action before the dialogue. It also makes things more visually interesting, because there's not a long line of quotation marks down the side.

Also, your tags don't seem to have any reason to them. Tags are used to show tone in the dialogue, yet you never have any introspective thoughts on how the conversation is going. This elf seems like her friend, yet she makes no comment about why he seems almost hurt. Nor does she have any thoughts about being interrupted, or the nature of the conversation they're having.

This is where tags start to bleed into prose, and I find you're rather lacking in that category. The reason I point this out is because, even at chapter 15, we still need to know the character. What makes fiction flow is a character's reaction, internally, to the situation. That connection with the character is constantly being forged— don't lose it by having us guess her reactions.

Overall, I find you could really use more connection with the character, and improve your use of tags.

PM me if you have questions or comments.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.



october smells like being ten years old and not scared of anything
— dissonance