Chapter 1 - The Memory Key

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Note: Very rough draft. Haven't added in that many appearance details yet, just the raw plot for the most part.

Sivus and The Memory Key

1
Dragosoth

Sivus was a young boy of about fourteen years, with almost platinum blonde hair and blue eyes. His ears were quite elfish, and were the thing people noticed as soon as they saw him. He had light skin, like most Travians, but was a bit taller than the majority of his kin, though that wasn't saying much. Sivus stood a little under five and a half feet tall, and had a very thin build. He needed that 'normal' physical appearance to hide who he truly was.

The boy was what the Travians called a Gravashi. Gravashi were a mix of assassins and a police force, and were almost always young boys. They were selected from birth, and were killed at about twenty unless they showed great value. Their employ differed, as there was no one Gravashi 'organization'. Each major family owned several, normally having been bought from a commoner for a few coins.

Gravashi were assuredly property, and could be ordered to do whatever their owners wished. They were not treated as humans, and were given the bare minimum to sustain themselves. The most a Gravashi could hope for was to enjoy the rhythm of his knives, as that would be his best, and likely only talent. Anyone who got too powerful in another family was killed by a Gravashi, who managed to go about unnoticed because no one truly knew who was and wasn't a Gravashi.

The Zaria family, who owned the majority of the Avalin (a metal which had recently become a lucrative trade) mines in Shathadar, were the owners of Sivus. They were infamous for their light hand when treating Gravashi, and had even set a few free after their normal extermination period, especially those to whom the young Zaria girls took a liking. A few of them had even married Gravashi, to their mother's discontent.

Sivus was walking the city streets of Travitha, feeling the cold steel knives he had hidden in his sleeves pressing against his arm. He had no thought other than who he was to meet. Today he was out to buy a Gravashi from the Tathae family, who were known for giving away almost all their offspring at a cheap price, but with the demand that they be returned after the normal period of service, instead of being killed. However, there was something special about this deal. The new Gravashi was to be the first female to ever be purchased by the Zaria, as well as the first to be taken in at a age older than childhood. The Zaria had a new idea, that most would not expect a female or someone they had seen quite a bit before to be a Gravashi, and Sivus, in his barely intelligent mind, agreed.

The boy sniffed the night air, then took a deep breath, filling his lungs with the only fresh air he would get in months. Sivus wasn't the most reliable Gravashi, but the Zaria never killed him, as he had important connections. On Sivus' back were three markings, which mostly all looked the same, but all were differently colored. Each was a small teardrop shape, the symbol of Travian nobility. Sivus was truly a “hostage” kept by the Zaria in order to blackmail the royal family, and if he died, the ruling Bischa family would likely have no delay in taking over most of the Avalin mines.

Suddenly, a white blankness flooded Sivus' thoughts, and he suddenly got a massive headache. The boy had thought too much, and aggravated the metal implant in his forehead, which restrained his mental activity. It came with a small marking, a black dot. He hated that marking, despised it, really. Whenever it was exposed to a large amount of light, it changed shape into a black rose. That was the symbol of the Zaria family, showing he was their property and nothing more. Of course, that was why Gravashi never worked at night. If a man walked in to a palace screaming 'I'm an assassin!'; do you think you would let him go very far?

Shaking his head, the boy walked up to the street alley were the Tathae dealt, and immediately noticed that an older Tathae women and her daughter whom she was selling were there. The daughter was in chains, bound to a small metal pole in the back of the alley, and had been dressed in the 'poorest' clothes possible, to give the Zaria the impression that the Tathae were still poor and posed no threat. That was probably the biggest lie Sivus had ever heard, as the Tathae had become rich by selling their offspring, and were likely the richest family in all of Travia, with the exception of the Zaria themselves.

He reached into his pocket, and took out several gold coins. Handing them to the mother, she grabbed them up with a disapproving look. Everyone who knew who Sivus was looked down upon him, as they had right to. However, nothing was stopping him from pulling a knife right now, as the Tathae women were always common targets for Gravashi anyway. Another one would probably get the order to silence her any day now.

“What is your name?” asked Sivus, looking solemnly at the girl. A quick glance told him she was about his age. As much as one prepared for it, seeing a female Gravashi was still shocking, even if she hadn't been marked as property yet. Silence hung in the air for several moments, before the girl finally spoke.

“I'm Touer, though names won't be important once I am a thing, and no longer a person, I guess,” Sivus laughed, and then realized she was right. The alley had too little light for him to see her clearly, but from what he could make out, Touer was quite a homely girl, with a face seemingly fit for a rat. She was short, even for a Travian, at a little over four feet tall.

With a flick of his wrist, a jagged, scissor-like weapon appeared in Sivus' hands. It was mainly used for injury, not murder, and it also had quite a few practical uses. In the Travian language, it was called a bristak. He pushed on it with his thumb, and the top blade rose into the air. Placing the blades near the chain, he twisted the weapon and stopped the pressure, breaking the chain clean. He made sure to leave the portion holding back Touer's hands intact, so that she wouldn't think of battering him on the way back to the Zaria compound.

As they walked out into the street, Sivus pushing his hand on Touer's back to move her along at a reasonable pace, he saw her again in the moonlight. Yes, she was definitely ugly. Curly brown hair adorned her head, though one couldn't tell if the hair was real or fake. Her nose was pointed and the bridge jutted out slightly, and Touer's face was covered in freckles. No one is going to pay attention to her, thought Sivus sarcastically. Though sometimes, he supposed, the best way to hide was through the casual attention of others.

“You haven't told me your name yet, kid,” said Touer, looking down at the ground so as to avoid any notice by passersby. She spoke quietly, and by barely moving her lips. Perhaps this girl would actually make a good Gravashi. “It matters not, as you will forget it in an hour, but my name is Sivus Bischa,” he replied, with the same technique.

“Wait, wait wait wait. The Bischa?” Touer asked, trying her best to not look terribly shocked. “I doubt I can forget the name of a descendant of the royal family,” she added, wondering why Sivus would think she would forget so quickly. Though, she supposed, maybe Gravashi weren't allowed to know about the current politics of Travia. Most commoners didn't either, she simply knew because the Tathae were slowly becoming a major family, and would likely found a House any day now. Only members of Houses could hold the White Crown, and be ruler of Travia.

“Yes. But that name matters not. Royalty, and the Crown, these are but symbols. Once you realize this, girl, your job will become much easier. In this world, life exists or does not exist. It doesn't exist on a higher plane, somehow safer, because your family is made important in the minds of men. And believe me, you will forget. Assuming the surgery doesn't erase your memories for the last few days or so.” Sivus replied, slightly frowning. Inducting this girl into the life of a Gravashi would be hard for everyone, except maybe Julia Zaria. Julia was a cold-hearted human, assuming one called her human. She was the Head of the Zaria family, and seemed to take joy in making others suffer.

“Wow, that's kind of a bit deep for me, kid, and what surgery? I haven't been injured yet.” she replied, confused. What could this guy be talking about?

The two continued walking as the sky became darker, and the air became colder. Beside them ran the Curios Devan, one of the main arteries for transportation that ran through Travitha. Three quarters of the city was actually built on water, with canals running through the whole city. The Travian word for these canals was curios, which often preceded the name of every canal in the city.

The pair wouldn't have to hire a transport boat for another few hundred feet, but Touer could easily see Sivus taking his small money pouch out. She hadn't realized Gravashi were allowed to carry money with them at any time. The fact that the boy hadn't answered her question by now unsettled her, and she found herself becoming more and more afraid by the second as they continued their journey. But she couldn't show it, that might be disaster.

Finally Sivus pulled a few more gold coins out, the same he had paid to Touer's mother. Not surprisingly, they were Zahns, the currency being issued by House Zaria. It had been relatively new last year, but by now at least half the money in the city was made up of Zahns. They were special because they used the Universal Weight Pact. The Universal Weight Pact had been enforced by the nation of Dekal, one of the most powerful on the main continent of Dragosoth, after the eighth Great War. Shathadar had never been involved in any of the Great Wars, except the very first, and thus the pact didn't apply to them. However, using it made trade far easier, and the Zahns would likely become a common currency in other lands before long, just as the Travian Mark (the official currency of Travia) had long ago.

Sivus held his hand up in a summoning signal, which would alert the nearest public transport boat to stop. Sure enough, ten seconds or so later one appeared, and Sivus handed the Zahns to the ship's captain, the face of Julia Zaria on the coin seeming to wink at Touer as she walked by the captain.

At that point, Sivus put his hand around her shoulder and led her to a place relatively out of sight from the few others on the boat before removing his hand. He took a deep breath, and then, in a low tone, he said “Sorry,” The boy drew his hand back, and before Touer would know what was happening, she would feel a pain in the side of her neck. She collapsed in front of him, crumpling to the ground as her knees buckled. If Sivus remembered what had happened to him correctly – which he was never sure he did –, her vision would go white, then gray. He listened for a moment, and heard something he hadn't in a long time. Touer cursed as her breathing slowed, and Sivus knew she was soundly asleep.

He looked down apologetically at the girl, frowning. If only she knew what was about to happen. Then again, there was nothing she could do to stop it at this point, the ultimate fate of Touer had been sealed back then on the streets. Solemnly, he looked on at the night sky, listening to the paddles of the boat as they struck the water.
Last edited by Vison on Tue May 03, 2011 9:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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I'm sorry I had meant to review this long before now haha. Alas, I became so busy I wasn't able to finish reading it due to an insane amount of homework. Grr either way this is a very unique idea and the plot is really intriguing. haha. Keep up the good work I can't wait to read more ^^ I hope you receive many helpful reviews and I am currently unable to find any spelling errors nor grammar. So thats a good thing. Keep up the good work and Happy Writing!!!! Until you post mores Byes!!!!
Soulkana<3
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For some reason, the beginning reminded me of the text you might see at the beginning of a movie that lets the viewer know what's going on. x) Ahem, anyway. I think you have a very interesting plot idea going on here and for a rough draft, this was pretty darn good, but there are a couple of things you should work on.

1. Characters. I know you said in the beginning that you needed to add some appearance details. That would be very helpful. Also, your characters seem very bland. I'm not connecting with any of them, and right now, they don't interest me at all. Perhaps you could add in some more of their emotions. What is your main character feeling? What is his opinion on the things going on around him? Why does he do the things he does? The more you delve inside your character's head, the more interesting he'll seem.

2. A Hook. Your beginning didn't draw me in at all. To be completely honest with you, it was a dull start. I'm almost positive that you'll fix this in your later drafts, but I just wanted to point that out. Start off with some tension (and make sure you included tension throughout out your entire piece) and your readers will be hooked from beginning to end.

That's all I've got for you. Your descriptions were wonderful and I like how you ended this chapter. It wrapped up very nicely. I'm extremely tired right now, so if some things in this review don't make sense, feel free to send me a message!

- Jelly
"Whatever will happen, will happen. You either face it as a coward or you face it as a hero." - O.R. Melling

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Yo,

Gotta be honest, the first few paragraphs nearly turned me away from this. Opening a story with huge chunks of factual information is rarely a good idea. You're better off taking everything about the metal and the city and interspersing it here and there throughout the chapters to come. The reader doesn't need to know it all right away, and will most likely forget it unless you're sneaky about where you put information. That's actually a good way to think about it--be sneaky.

But, I said "nearly" for a reason, because I kept reading. I rolled my eyes when I read "He needed that 'normal' physical appearance to hide who he truly was" because it reeked of Chosen One syndrome... but then I had to bite my tongue and take the eye roll back. Even if he is the important son of important people, a long way from home and in a bad situation, you don't have this painted as a case of, "Oh, woe is me! My farm's burned down and my aunt and uncle are dead and I have to go seek revenge now!"

Actually, what you've done is really quite impressive. I kept having ideas of what was going to happen, and then you'd shut them down.

My favorite moment was

Sivus, in his barely intelligent mind, agreed.


In general, I loved the air you took on with your characters. It told me, your reader, that you weren't messing around or about to play favorites or try to make me feel like I needed to love Sivus with all my heart. You didn't over do it, either.

My main complaint, other than the info dump at the beginning, was that you went over to the girl's point of view and weaved in and out of the two. Your narrator over all was omniscient, but I guess I'd prefer something more consistent, or something that flowed better together. As it is, it's kind of a chunk of the girl's thoughts and then a chunk of Sivus's and it's clunky.

Another thing... the dialogue from Sivus was stilted. Is that intentional? Is that the way these assassins are taught to speak? If it is, serious props to you for extending the culture into the dialogue. If not, you might want to de-formalize it some so it doesn't seem so out-of-place.

Final note: while I loved your use of the Travian language--mainly, I loved the fact that you acknowledged these people wouldn't be speaking English and you are providing subtitles, essentially, for our sake--be careful with how many of the Travian terms you use. Some were great uses--the Gravashi, the name of the weapon--but others--the name of the pact--were unnecessary. A few terms will add flavor and allow you to assign your own connotations, but too many will confuse the reader and, at the extreme end, undermine your credibility, because creating a real language is more than just making up new words.

Again, I was both surprised and impressed by this. So keep up the good work. Let me know if you have any questions.

Sock
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Alright, it's been edited. Thanks to everybody! (And please be sure to check out chapter 2 if you like this one, I think that's one I need a lot more help on)



Memories, left untranslated, can be disowned; memories untranslatable can become someone else’s story.
— YiYun Li