Raison de L'insomnie

Edit: changed some things. No idea why I went with a French title--I thought of "Raison d'etre" or however you spell it, and...voila?

Another old one--inspired by my own life and dark thoughts at that time, but not all of it is true.
~~~
Old version:

Spoiler

Pounding, pounding
Thoughts resounding
Voices, seems like they're all shouting

Flouting
Rules of courtesy
I shut my eyes, but still I see
Pictures that will haunt my dreams

I close my ears, but still I hear
My father's cries, my mother's screams
I try to escape this atmosphere
But tell me, how can you hide from fear?

New version:

Spoiler

Pounding, pounding
Thoughts resounding
Voices, seems like they're all shouting

Flouting
Rules of courtesy
I shut my eyes, but still I see
Pictures that will haunt my dreams

I close my ears, but still I hear
Catching voices,
Shrieking screams--
Is this really just a dream?

I blink my eyes,
Give my head a shake--
This is why I must stay awake.

Hello.

First of all, who is your avatar? Must. Stalk. Haha.

I love your use of rhythm. It's not often I come across a poem on here with such a solid use of rhythm. It was oddly apt for your poem as well. The first two repeating sounds set the beat for the poem and to me it sounded like the footsteps of your greatest fear come to life. As I said, apt for the poem.

In your 3rd stanza, did you mean to repeat 'my'? It sounded odd so I assumed it was a typo.

Anyway, aside from that, I found your images a little scattered. I guess it can fit the whole panicked feel when you're afraid but I found your imagery a little cliche and bland. I guess I was hoping for more vivid imagery since you are tackling fear which should inspire more images than cries and screams. I'm not looking for gore or what not. Just something different. Your images reminded me of clips from countless horror movies and I think fear can be depicted in so many other different ways.

I think you made a right decision not to add the poem in the spoiler. The rhythm you had was lost in that bit and as far as imagery is concerned, I don't think it would have added much either.

But, I still think this is a great poem. You had solid images though a little cliche horror movie like. Your rhythm is fantastic and really overall, this was very well executed.

--Nixie

I really like it. You've captured the emotion in a very beautiful way. It's got good rhythm to it.

Hi, this is the first item I have commented on, and I absolutely love this piece of work !
I love the fact tha it is one of the few poems that you could read lightly, but also has a lot of depth to it!
You are a really good writer and I am rather looking foreward to following your works !
Thank you ver much for this lovely read,and may you hopefully keep on writing for years to come .

What I love about this poem is the rhythm and rhyme! There is nothing better than a good poem that flows well. Very good. Can't wait to read more from you!

Hello there pup.
It was a good poem. I liked it. It had a deep meaning to it. You had no specific rhyme scheme to your piece but then also it had a great flow but flow was off at a few places but I guess that happens. I know how hard can it get to rhyme stuff and to keep it in a flow at the same time. It is a headache. But you did a great job in that. Bravo!
Now time for the nitpicks.

Pounding, pounding
Thoughts resounding
Voices, seem like they're all shouting

You gave a good start to the poem but it could have been better. But, I do not like the repetition right on the first line. Personal thought! You can keep it the way you want, after all it's your poem. Here, in the last line the flow seemed have gone off a bit but still it was good.

Flouting
Rules of courtesy
I shut my eyes, but still I see
Pictures that will haunt my dreams "Pictures that will haunt my memories", this sounds a bit in flow. What do you think?

Good word choice, I must say. This was a near to perfect stanza for me. It sounded good, it was good while reading and the meaning was clear and it would relate to almost all the readers.

I close my ears, but still I hear
My father's cries, my my mother's screams
I try to escape this atmosphere
But tell me, how can you hide from fear?

You totally changed the rhyme scheme over here. It is not always pleasant for the reader to come across a rhyme scheme change, right at the climax(Sorry, had to use that word! XD) of a poem. Other than that it was all right. And I guess there's a repetition in the second line here. You might want to change it.

O yeah, one thing more. Where are all the punctuations except a question mark and two commas? Or was the poem supposed to be like that?
I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing. (:

Great poem, I really liked it! It has a nice flow and made my heart beat faster. It is also very thought provoking which I like!
Keep writing,
~FW~

helloo!! *bamboozler hug*
At first I want to say that this is a great write..I really like this as a poem on its own..It may be short but it has a lot of meaning to it!

Pounding, pounding
Thoughts resounding
Voices, seem like they're all shouting I love the rhyme in this!!

Flouting
Rules of courtesy
I shut my eyes, but still I see
Pictures that will haunt my dreams I think this sentence is just fine

I close my ears, but still I hear
My father's cries, my my mother's screams there should be one 'my' here
I try to escape this atmosphere
But tell me, how can you hide from fear? I love how you ended with a question!

Maybe you should consider to add another line to your three first lines because you did that in your second part and third part of the poem too.
But other than that: great write!!
-qaralynn-

This was good. It flows nicely. Plus, I don't think it needs to be any longer. It's good the way it is and it's to the point.

Pup!

Alright so I gave you my general thoughts last night. The piece has an overall musicality to it that is pleasing to the ear, the rhythm you've captured quite well. There doesn't seem to be much difference from your original draft, except of course the ending bit. I am curious why you decided to change the sentiments...?

I actually felt that the ending in the original draft was stronger than the revised draft xD Possibly because it dealt with the idea of trying to escape fear and then being unable to. Your title adds a somewhat deeper quality to this idea because it presents a reason for insomnia (fear) and the fear of insomnia itself (you can't escape it because you can't even sleep!). I like the duality of these ideas - while not expressed or explored too much in the poem itself - coupled with the title, it's a pretty neat combination how the title presents the poem as the nature of insomnia and the poem itself talks only of fear and the inability of escaping it.

Now in the revised draft you played it safe. Almost as if you wanted to spell out those sentiments I expressed earlier ^ Except they only come across as weaker and vague ideals. The way that you explicitly state: This is why the speaker stays awake - it makes me want to backtrack, like...wait a second, what is it exactly that you're referring to? I say this all the time but give your readers credit. Don't spell things out for them. Your first draft, ironically, was more clear The lingering question at the end made me think to come across with a conclusion on my own. This new draft...well to be honest, it confused me at parts, you know? If this is about insomnia, why mention dreams at all?

That's not to say that your original drafts didn't have its holes either. (You can't really close your ears) but it seemed more heart-felt. So yeah, my suggestion is to go with your original draft, but revise the problem parts.

Now that that's been said. Let's take a look at the nitpicks. So the first time I read this, I thought to myself - wow! Four stanzas in two sentences. Periods are okay. Don't be afraid of them.

Pounding, pounding, comma?
Thoughts resounding.
Voices, no comma seems like they're all shouting.

Okay so right away there's a subject-verb agreement error in the last line. Voices - plural. Needs a plural verb tense. There also shouldn't be a comma after voices. You have a subject-verb: voices seem. There is no pause between them. That aside...

Imagine this is prose. How do you want this to read? A reader's national inclination is a slight pause after each line. So this is how I read it naturally: "Pounding, (comma pause) pounding (slight pause) thoughts resounding (slight pause) voices seem like they're all shouting (bigger pause because it's the end of a stanza)"

But the way that you've actually written it is like so: "Pounding, (comma pause) pounding thoughts resounding (line pause) voices seem like they're all shouting. "

Do you notice the difference? It is slight. Because there is no comma after the second 'pounding' I am to assume that this is an enjambment and the line runs into the next. I'm not sure exactly how you mean it to sound. I know how I naturally want to read it, but the way that you've written it conflicts with the way that I naturally want to read it - and I'm not sure whether or not this is intentional. Either way is correct. I'm just pointing out the difference.

The periods I added for grammar's sake.

Flouting merge with next line -> ..?
Rules of courtesy,
I shut my eyes, but still I see
Pictures that will haunt my dreams.

Okay, so right away this breaks from the first stanza. I wonder why "flouting" gets a line on its own, and it's not "Flouting rules of courtesy" in one line? I mean. It's a verb... It's not like it's a noun. Why is it standing on its own? That aside - I love the use of flouting here. Love that word choice.

Okay. This is just a suggestion but all this I + verb is making me bored. You can try varying a little. So that your third/fourth(?) line reads: "Eyes shut tight, but still I see" (?) It's just a small edit, but I feel it kind of helps the structure move a bit better and avoids the "I + verb" repetition. It shouldn't mess with flow either.

I close my ears, (impossible) but still I hear
Catching voices,
Shrieking screams--
Is this really just a dream?

Is 'catching' really the word you want to use here? Does it describe voices?

The last line is kinda weak in my opinion. I mean, if this is really insomnia it can't really be a dream, right? Seems like a forced-rhyme, however skillfully it is woven in. You can keep "dream" there and find something else - or "seem" is a good alternative, right? Nothing is quite as it seems? *shrugs* You can do better. I'm just prattling.

I blink my eyes,
Give my head a shake--
This is why I must stay awake.

I've already told you about which ending I liked better ^_^

I was hard on you, but I feel this poem deserves a proper look-over. The sentiments expressed in this are rather interesting and the way that you've formatted it made for a lot of movement. It reminds me of a swaying lullaby of sorts, which fits with the theme. Sort of. So! Keep writing, and if you have any questions, you know where to find me. Ta!

- As always Audy