Senseless

So.... I wrote this a while ago.
It was a dark time.

~~~
Bodies lying on the floor
The outcome of a senseless war
I can't take this any more
I'm tired of the knocked down doors
I don't find joy in the innocent's cries
I can't stand the pain I see in their eyes
And I'm so sick and tired of all of your lies
So farewell, sayonara,
This is good--

Bodies lying on the floor
The outcome of a senseless war....
~~~

This is also (partially) inspired by what I've read of war.
And for those who may not get it, the person gets cut off by a bullet, so....they join the bodies on the floor.

Hi there. Lavvi in to review for you.

I think you have an interesting concept for your poem because few people actually write about the topic anymore. I was happy to have so variation among the very dark and depressing poems. This was dark and depressing but it didn't really revolve around those two subject matters. So let's get to the real meat of this review, now.

I think this could have been longer, maybe you could have transformed it into a narrative. It would have been really interesting as a narrative and I just don't think you executed this subject very well, to be blunt. It's dark, sure, and depressing, sure, but it still doesn't really capture the emotions of war: fear, cold, sickness, death, darkness, depression, noise, unforgivable. I want those emotions in this poem, and I'm sure you were trying to portray them, but you weren't very successful. It needs to be longer-- don't limit yourself to length-- and it needs to emanate some emotions of sorts. It just seems so plain at the moment. I didn't feel like I was in this war and, creepily enough, that's pretty much what you should try and do.

Now on to poem structure. I really think you should punctuate this because it will affect the fluidity of the poem in good ways. Each line seems so abrupt with the lacking punctuation and it doesn't read very well. A lot of people don't seem to realise that poetry usually also uses punctuation and it's just that it isn't quite used in the same way as in writing. Nonetheless, punctuation is still needed for poetry. In your case, you only really need commas (,) and a few periods (.). Maybe the odd dash (-) or semi-colon (;).

You explain to us that the soldier was shot? Well, you shouldn't have to. The audience should be able to easily infer from the poem that the man was shot and died. But obviously that isn't very clear if you were so unsure you had to inform us of it. I don't see how he was shot, I don't get the fact that he died. All I read for the end is two lines that are repeated from the poem's beginning. You need to make this clear to us as your readers.

About your use of "sayonara" in here: are you referring to a Japanese battle? Because then it could be appropriately used, but if not, it just seems out of place.

A good idea, don't be put off. It's original and I like it (the subject), but it's only about revising it to make it well-executed.

Yours,
Lavvi

I think that in the poem, you captured a part of the war. Not the whole thing, because that would be quite impossible to describe a whole war with it's details in one poem.
With this snippet, I can see the emotion you sent through. Although I'd like to see more of a story behind it. This is a short poem, with nothing explaining why the person was shot. I got the impression that the shot himself, being sick of war, since he said farewell, I supposed a person who was getting shot without themselves knowing wouldn't say farewell.
So, yeah... I think that the poem could definitely be expanded upon, but if you chose not to do that. Then the poem is fine standing on it's own with that explenation you give at the bottom.

Hi! All I have to say is what a beautiful poem. I thought that it flowed nicely and they rhymes were pretty good. Thanks for explaining him getting cut off by a bullet at the end, I honestly didn't get that. Overall a very well-written poem though. I look forward to reading more of your works in the future. Thanks for writing!

Hey there, I'm here to review.

animekaratepup wrote:Bodies lying on the floor
The outcome of a senseless war
I can't take this any more
I'm tired of the knocked down doors
I don't find joy in the innocent's cries
I can't stand the pain I see in their eyes
And I'm so sick and tired of all of your lies
So farewell, sayonara,
This is good--

Bodies lying on the floor
The outcome of a senseless war....
~~~

Sadly, I have no nitpicks, but I can really relate to this. I loath war and violence. With. A. Passion. Must we fight? And why? It truly is senseless. You portray the emotions brilliantly. I could really feel them when I read the poem. The flow was good, as was the imagery. It really makes it so that the reader can relate. Overall, despite the sadness of it, I love it. Truly adore it. *clicks like* It's brilliant. Thank you for the sad and brilliant poetry. I'd love to see more. Remember, keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scar.

Bodies lying on the floor
The outcome of a senseless war
I can't take this any more
I'm tired of the knockeding down doors
I don't find joy in the innocent's cries
I can't stand the pain I see in their eyes
And I'm so sick and tired of all of your lies
So farewell, sayonara,
This is good-- The word 'good' doesn't eally belong in this poem
add something like 'I'm falling, crying, dying....' or something to show that you're getting hitt


Bodies lying on the floor
The outcome of a senseless war....

Good job, keep writing

Hello! I think this is a good start and where you put your explanation that the person gets cut off by a bullet could be really good. But if you hadn't said that, I wouldn't have a clue that that was what happened, so I think you need to get this across more. I mean, I didn't even realise that the person talking was a soldier (or someone else standing in the firing line somehow) so if you could get across who this person is, that would be a good start to better conveying what happens at the end. And maybe hinting somewhere in the middle that they fear they will be killed next, that could also help. I like how you repeated the first lines at the end as it finished it off very well. So good job, but I'd like to see more so that what's going on can be clarified.

Think you could've expanded this a lot more Anime. It is a good start but you should add on to it. Hopefully you will since it has a lot of potential. Anyways I really liked it and can't wait to read more of your works. Keep up the good work and Happy Writing. Best of lucks.
Soulkana<3

Hi! I think you should use this poem for that scholarship thing you're doing. I'm sure that you've already taken some of the suggestions made in the other comments, but haven't posted the revised version -which hopefully has more punctuation.
-The Scratch Man