The Creek Chapter 1

Okay! Great piece! I definitely stayed interested the whole time. the only thing I noticed was a few confusing sentences, and some grammatical errors, but those are minor! Here they are,

*If I'm going to have a life. (This is a fragment, but you can fix that easily by rewording it, or just adding a comma before it.)
*Like there isn’t anything I can do about the cutting, the fire, the sadness and fear in my eyes when they bleed out clear tears of nothing but emptiness. (This sentence is full of potential! It is just a bit confusing, I would either attach it to the sentence before it and make the sentence before that completely separate, or I would reword it like so,

It feels like there isn't anything I can do about the cutting, the fire, the sadness and fear in my eyes whenever thy bleed tears of emptiness.

I would take away the nothing or the emptiness, because it makes the sentence run a bit long, and it sounds strange with the rest of the sentence. But still, this is a great sentence that will be far greater with a bit of editing.
*It was the only light but it seemed to have a whispering mistake. (I don't get this sentence, once again, very poetic, but it needs some rewording.)
*Depending on myself to pick up and move on. (This is a fragment as well. I would say it like this,)

I can't rely on anyone else to do it for me, so I know I must pick myself up and move on, but I can't. I just don't know how to be strong again.

*I would make some of these sentences one sentence because they relate to a similar subject and compliment each other in a way that helps to give a more complete thought.

*The last paragraph has some problems with tense, I struggle with this myself! Some parts of it seem like they are in past tense, and some in present tense.

*Very descriptive! I loved how you expressed her trip to the creek! Just try to make her intentions a bit more clear!

Well, thats I all I have to say! Great great job! This piece is chalk full of potential, and with a bit of restructuring, it will be great! Good work! I loved it!

Hi there! First of all my expertise is in spelling and grammar so I am going to show you were you made some errors first and then give you my opinion!

Sometimes in life you're not sure what to live for. Thinking and looking up in the clouds, I wonder how my life will be. If im ever going to have a life. I never know what I am going to do next; I feel like I don’t have control of myself. Like there isn’t anything I can do about the cutting, the fire, the sadness and fear in my eyes when they bleed out clear tears of nothing but emptiness. I look around hoping I’m nothing but a ghost to the people in the room. Depending on myself to pick up and move on. But you see, I cant. I just, don’t know how to be strong again. Strong enough to where I can move away from everybody and stay in my own world. Like when I was little, and nothing mattered but my dolls or coloring with my new fresh cut crayons. Where I would want candy every second and wish I was older that way I could have as much as I wanted. I look at myself in mirror and say, “Hah yea, cant wait to get older huh, so much for that.” I look down while sadness begins to fill my head with nothing but endless cries. I want to cry, I want to cry out everything. But I’m afraid if I let it all out I would drown the world and myself. I lay on my bed twiddling my thumbs as if they were thumb wrestling. I think about everything in life that seemed to matter to me but now, it doesn’t mean a thing. I heard the door open and my eyes shot to the other side of the room, “Sweetie? Are you okay? I’ve been thinking about you, and you seem really sad lately. I just want to try and help you, maybe you can talk to me about it.?” It was my mom. She always tries talking to me about my “problems” but I just ... I always try to talk to her but she doesn’t understand me! I try to tell her in as many ways as possible but she doesn’t get it! I mean what’s the point in telling someone if they don’t even get what you are saying or don’t feel the way you do? I mean come on now. If they were in your body that’s the only possible way they could understand. So I say, "I’m fine mom, I’m just thinking”. “Fine,'" she replies and walks out with foot steps of heavy rain. I can hear her foot steps and every move she makes when she isn’t in my room. She gets mad when I don’t talk to her. She slams things and takes her anger out on little things. I just don’t know what to say to her sometimes, I mean she gets mad over everything. There’s really only one place I can go. Where the leaves crumble and blow when my foot makes that step on the ground. The place where when I see my reflection I know that its me. The place where I am happy and my fears are downed with their own fears of life.


Its 2 in the morning, and I still cant seem to get to sleep. I haven’t been to school and I don’t plan on going anywhere near school again. I’m smart enough, at least I think so. I could the see the moon light shining in through my window. It was the only light but it seemed to have a whispering mistake. My head fills with pictures of a beautiful girl, only to see her in hurt. I can't seem to wonder about her. She seems new to me but, I don’t remember meeting her. I’m not sure if she really exists, or has ever lived on this so called planet before. She has long, dark black hair surrounding her beautiful (circled shaped) circle-shaped face. Her skin so pale, and the light hitting it just right that it glows. Shes reaching out for me but I cant seem to help her. Her mud stained dress flows as if it was part of the wind. Her eyes looked liked holes of empty graves; I am once again hit with the energy of sadness and fear. I cant get her out of my head. And that moon, it just seems so bright and hypnotizing. I was thinking about “my place” the place where I know who I really am inside. I could tell it was cold outside from the whispering chills I got looking at the trees blowing calmly in the wind. I poured my feet across the floor grabbing my coat and fur boots. I unlatched the window hoping it wouldn’t make a sound. As I climbed softly through the window I was soon connected to the ground once again. I headed out towards the forest. Hearing every footstep I took from leaves screaming underneath my feet. It was not long before darkness swallowed me. I put my hand on each tree I seemed to go by. The smell of water caressed my sweet nose. I knew then that I was close. I hurried hoping I was soon met with my reflection in that soft smooth water.


My first impression is that this is a rather plotless story. However, I also think that it would fit in well with the older genres and the new belief that writing doesn't have to have a purpose - that a great peace of literature can simply be someone contemplating what to have for dinner and their thoughts surrounding that. Having studied a lot of different literature I can certainly say you're not alone in this type of writing. Not sure if this is what you were aiming for. Either way, you have some grammatical errors to work on. Sometimes your writing is too choppy - I am all about choppy writing to make a point, but at times it goes a little overboard. Try revising it a few times and taking a look at just a few of the changes that I made for you.

Thank you for correcting my mistakes. I have no experience in writing what-so-ever, so I wasn’t surprised. This is not the end of the story. I just was a bit to excited to post some of my work I guess. These are events leading up to my murder story. Thank you so much for reading! I do very much appreciate it! (: