Courage

Courage

Nerita lay on her bed, her dark purple sheets pulled up to her chin. Her long black hair and emerald green eyes pierced morning darkness that swirled in her room. Being in her parents attic, her room became coldest and warmest in the house, depending on what season it was. And at this moment in our Earth's seasonal rotation it was autumn. Nerita did not want to leave her bed at all, did not want to stand up, and especially did not want to go to school. Especially go to school today in particular. Today was when Nerita had been dared yesterday to go up to her crush and ask him out. Problem was, even though she knew his whole schedule and they had five classes together a day, she never talked to him. Since today all Nerita has ever done in her love for this young man, was stare at him and blush when he got close to her. And never had she ever had the confidence to talk to him before, but today she would. Today everything would change.
She stood from her bed and made her way over to her dresser. A shiver ran down her neck as she chose a v-neck pink dress that fell to her knees and hid her scars. Yes, scars, stretch mark scars. No matter what Nerita wore it would not hide her low-falling breasts, her thick thighs or her rounded stomach. Her very rounded stomach. Insecurity plagued Nerita wherever she went and no matter what she told herself, she could not change what she looked like. This was the reason for her never approaching her crush. Fat girls don't get fairy tale endings. That is a universal truth that Nerita has learned from this harsh and cruel world.
Pulling her hair into a ponytail, she sprayed Midnight Dance perfume on her wrists and neck. Then she left her room and flew down two flights of stairs and ended up crashing into her mom at full speed. They fell together in a tangled heap and ended up lying staring at each other. A smile broke both their faces as they helped each other up.
“Nice way to wake me up without feeding me a cup of coffee, baby,” her mom chuckled and playfully punched Nerita on her shoulder. Her hair was in a messy bun and no makeup hid her wrinkles yet. Nerita smiled at her mom as she punched her back, then they parted ways.
“Have a good day in school, okay? Oh, and take your bus home, will you?” her mom called from above her.
“Sure mom,” Nerita called up.
Nerita headed for her families shoe closet and chose a pair of shiny black flats to wear, complete with small pink flowers on them. Finally, wolfing down a bowl of strawberry oatmeal, Nerita ran outside to catch her city school bus that picked her up every morning.

Nerita chewed her lips as she sat at her desk in Earth Science. Any moment now he would be walking through that door and sitting in his assigned seat, right next to Nerita. She twiddled her thumbs together as seconds ticked by, excitement and fear rising within her. What if he rejects her? What if he doesn't? What would she do? Nerita wishes under her breath that she would not freak out if he said yes, and she would not cry if he said no.
Nerita suddenly felt worried. What if he wasn't here today? What if he didn't show up? Cracking her knuckles as her ears rang with noise from high school, she stroked her stomach. Feeling sick with fear, worry and anxiety, Nerita began to stand then fell back into her seat as he walked in and towards his seat. His brown hair was soft and short and his leather jacket hung loosely on his slim but muscular form. Nerita felt her throat close up. Closing her eyes, she tried to breath slowly and calmly.
When she opened them again, he was sitting less than two feet away.
Oh god, she thought. Should she ask him out loud or write it down on a sheet of paper and pass it to him or what? What did other girls do? Why couldn't she know how to act in a situation like this one?
“Um, hey,” he said quietly to Nerita as their teacher began to speak. “Is there something on my face?”
Nerita realizes too late that she had been staring at him for a while. She shook her head in response to his question and turned forwards in her seat. She can't do this. What is she talking about? Of course she can do this! Only way to conquer your fears is to face them, she thought to herself. A burst of confidence filled her heart, first burst in her whole life. At that point, she knew she could do it and even if he said no that it wouldn't matter. All that mattered was that she tried. She ripped a piece of paper from her notebook.
Dear Mason,
Hey, I know I am not your average sexy girl that you probably fall in love with, but I just wanted to tell you my feelings. I have liked you for a long time, and while I write this note and am not facing you and looking you in your eyes, which are a beautiful chocolate brown, I just want you to know how I feel. I really like you and I want you. And no matter what you say, I am not afraid, because I think you will like me too. And even though I am fat and have stretch marks, I just had a realization that I don't think you care about my outward appearance. Is that true?
Nerita
She smiled when her letter was complete and took a deep breath before folding it in half and sending it over to him. She bit her lip until she tasted blood as she watched him read the letter in her peripheral vision. He froze at the end and glanced over at her, then put his head down and began to write. Then he passed it back to Nerita to read. She took it in confidence and opened it.
Dear Nerita,
This comes as a surprise to me. Because I have been interested in you for a long while, but I never had enough courage to speak up. But you, oh, you did have the courage. And just for that I like you even more. As an answer to your question, no, I do not judge on appearance, and my whole family is...fat except for me and so I have more of a connection to your insecurities(don't pretend you don't have any) than most other guys do. May I ask our finale question?
Mason
Nerita felt amazement and love and every other happy emotion in her human body at that moment. She felt like she was in a daze, a happy and fulfilling daze of love. She wrote a short one letter sentence back to him.
Yes.
As he wrote Nerita no longer bit her lip, for she knew now that fat girls can get fairy tale endings.

First off, I'd just like to commend you on how cute this was. (: I really did like it a lot. The only thing I probably would consider critiqueing would be the fact that there wasn't as much character involvement as I would have liked to see. I guess what I mean is, you could have further developed on Nerita's character. Because she seemed really sweet, and it would have been nice to delve deeper into her thoughts and feelings as I was reading.

I found a few little things that could use some fixing as well, as far as grammar and all that goes. So here are those nitpicks for you to maybe work on:

And at this moment in our Earth's seasonal rotation#BF0000 ">(,) it was autumn.

Especially go to school today in particular. #BF0000 ">(I think this would sound find as just, "Especially today in particular.")

even though she knew his whole schedule and they had five classes together #BF0000 ">(every/each) day,

Since today#BF0000 ">(,) all Nerita #BF0000 ">had ever done in her #BF0000 ">(Would sound better as, "as far as her") love for this young man, was stare at him and blush when#BF0000 ">ever he got close to her.

low-falling breasts, her thick thighs#BF0000 ">(,) or her rounded stomach.

Insecurity plagued Nerita wherever she went#BF0000 ">(,) and no matter what she told herself,

Fat girls #BF0000 ">didn't get fairy tale endings. That #BF0000 ">was a universal truth that Nerita #BF0000 ">had learned from this harsh and cruel world. #BF0000 ">(I Think this sounds better in this form of tense.)

her mom chuckled #BF0000 ">as she playfully punched Nerita on her shoulder.

“Sure#BF0000 ">(,) mom,” Nerita called up.

Nerita wishe#BF0000 ">(d) under her breath that she would not freak out if he said yes,

as her ears rang with noise from high school, #BF0000 ">(I think this would sound a little better if you clarified the type of noise. Describe it with a word to maybe set a mood for the reader.)

His brown hair was soft and short#BF0000 ">(,) and his leather jacket hung loosely on his slim but muscular form.

Nerita realize#BF0000 ">(d) too late that she had been staring at him for a while.

She #BF0000 ">couldn't do this. What #BF0000 ">was she talking about? Of course she #BF0000 ">could do this!

and even if he said no that #BF0000 ">[it#BF0000 ">] wouldn't matter #BF0000 ">(Remove the "it".)

for she knew now that fat girls #BF0000 ">could get fairy tale endings.

Great job again. This story was sort of endearing. (:

This was really sweet. I liked the description of her and just basically the scenario in the very beginning. It was really detailed and written in a cool way.

Although yes, I'm going to bite you on it: I thought the ending was a little cliché. Yes, I understand it's a romance short story, but it just seemed like every other romantic story I've read.

Hope I wasn't too harsh! Nice job.

The story is kind of unbalanced. You spend probably more time and effort on Nerita's description and on her getting dressed than you do on the actual interaction between her and Mason. By the end of the story, what sticks out in my mind is the Midnight Dance perfume, not anything that actually transpired between the two.

So it's a little forced. The whole premise of the story is someone daring someone to ask someone out. I think we've heard that a million times before. And then that third someone says, "Yes." Not very exciting, not very memorable. There were no obstacles to overcome and she asked via passed note. There's just...not much going on here in general.

Nerita headed for her families shoe closet

"Family's" not "families." Also, was there any reason to call it the "Family's shoe closet"? Why not just "the shoe closet"?

Her hair was in a messy bun and no makeup hid her wrinkles yet

Why is there a "yet" on the end there? Not necessary.

She twiddled her thumbs together

No one actually twiddles their thumbs. =\ Just cartoon characters, really.

And at this moment in our Earth's seasonal rotation it was autumn.

This line is rather odd. There are no other lines in your story that have this same tone to it, so this sticks out like a sore thumb.

Then she left her room and flew down two flights of stairs and ended up crashing into her mom at full speed. They fell together in a tangled heap and ended up lying staring at each other. A smile broke both their faces as they helped each other up.

This whole scene is rather odd. Inconsequential, and therefore unnecessary. This disastrous pile up goes by with barely a notice.

Today was when Nerita had been dared yesterday to go up to her crush and ask him out.

This is quite a strange line. Today she was dared yesterday. Work that out.

The title is pretty bland. Kick it up. Use something more intriguing or daring or subtle or in your face. You really push the fairy tale thing and the fat thing. So somehow work that into your title.

In the end, we also know nothing about your characters. Nerita has an above average weight variance and she likes a boy. The boy doesn't mind above average weight variances. That's all we know about your characters. No hopes, no dreams, no personality, no real life. Just girl likes boy. Girl is self-conscious. Boy likes girl. The end.

AWESOME!!!!!! I really loved this and it made me smile! So sweet. You need to expand and give more details about your characters so we can understand them haha. Either way amazing job and I love it ^^ Keep up the good work and Happy Writing. Wish you the best of lucks!!!
Soulkana<3

Hey there, Emmy! So, because it appears that the nit-picks are taken care of, lets give this a Walker overall, shall we?

Overall:

I love the fact that you chose a topic so hard to write or, at least, to attract readers to want to read, but in this circumstance, I found it shallower than a kiddie pool xP.

The entirety of this story is based off of aesthetics. There is no internal struggles whatsoever except for the externals and that makes this very shallow in itself. Some of the lines I actually found to be rather offensive, as I myself am of the larger variety.

If you want to impact people by writing a story about a larger girl getting her happy ending, don't write 'I'm fat' over and over again. Write about things that make her her. Write about how she loves to draw, or she thinks Harry Potter is overrated. Tell us what makes this character something more than just being somebody who is fat, because when you are fat, the last thing you want to do is sit there at tell yourself or someone else for that matter, how fat you are.

So, the first thing, if I were you, would be to change the way you have the letters worded. Try something on the lines of 'Hey, I may not be... outwardly pleasing, but I love horses, and my favourite band is Cartel' or something about her that isn't what people already know. That and you really need to change his response. Personally speaking, that was the most offensive part of this entire piece was him speaking about how he's the only skinny person in his fat family and how he doesn't look at her as a fat person. Why wouldn't he? Its all she ever really seems to think about.

I'm not trying to bash this. There are sections I enjoyed and I love the fact that you are taking a protagonist who isn't perfect and putting her into that fairytale like setting. Thats totally awesome! But, if you want this to be a diamond, you really need to start working on character as something more than just aesthetics, especially in this case.

Lots of love,
~Walker

Thanks guys! I will definatly work on this and hopefully post a updated version of it sometime in the near future!