The Devil's Pocket Watch

13 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 44887
Reviews 816
Spoiler
Some say that freedom comes after graduating High School – that wasn’t the case for Kristabel Westchester, who spent her entire life waiting for the day when she would be handed the key to unlock her chains. Growing up in a controlling family wasn’t her cup of tea. However, her wishes for freedom are granted when she meets an escaped convict – from Hell, a demon named Crosse. He hands over the key to her chains all right, but at the price of her mortal life. Well, there’s no greater freedom than death, right?


Prologue


Crosse pulled back the velvet curtains of the hotel room, peering through the rain splattered window onto the dark streets of Dallas. The citizens looked like tiny figures, moving here and there as if all strung by some grand puppeteer. Making steps, making decisions whether to hide from the rainwater or run across and get soaked. Crosse raised his head while watching a child trip and land in a puddle. His mother lifted him up and around her waist then jogged for shelter.
How easy, he thought, they don’t know how easy it is.
Shutting the curtains with a distasteful flavor on his tongue, he turned to the table. A bottle of opened red wine sat next to two glasses. Reaching out his thin fingers, he grasped the bottle and poured himself a glass. He lifted the glass, inspecting it so it was exactly half-empty. Sitting down, he pressed his back against the chair and swirled the wine in his glass. Today was one of those days he actually enjoyed a silent date night with silence. He took a steady sip. The wine burned its way down his throat and nestled in his stomach.
Like ticking seconds, his nails tapped against the table. It had been a long time since he had been able to rest peacefully. Countless days, years actually, he spent running from the Devil’s pawns and hiding like some kind of deer. Now, he was going to have to run again but this time he had the witch to help cushion any of his falls.
The knock on the door caught his attention and he set the glass down. There was a muffled sound and some noise of struggling which made Crosse raise himself off the chair and peek towards the front entrance of the hotel room. The door opened and white light from the other side poured onto the wooden floor. A second later, Lavira came in with a woman tied down at her feet.
“I’ve found us…our first sinner,” she said breathlessly. He eyed the witch up and down. Normally, Lavira was the lollipop of men’s eyes but right now she looked as if she’d been thrown in the dumpster, then into a lake and then just barely managed to crawl back out with heels on all while keeping her red dress in one piece. Impressive.
“What…happened to you?” Crosse raised a brow, smiling. Lavira was a perfectionist when it came to appearance.
“She was quite a handful, I must admit.” Lavira used her tan fingers to wipe her dark, thick wavy hair away from her chocolate eyes. “You wouldn’t believe the things I had to do.” Her cherry lips pressed together when she noticed the open wine bottle. “And all while you were here, sitting and enjoying some fine wine,” she said while bitterly shaking her head.
Crosse ignored her and looked down at the sinner. She was a female, no older than twenty-five at most. Her clothes were covered in a blanket of mud and dirt. The woman’s mouth was taped and her hands were tied behind her back with a rope.
“She looks like an animal,” he muttered, putting his hands into his pockets, his eyes studying every inch of the body.
The woman’s emerald eyes met his and she muffled some incomprehensible words. The corner of Crosse’s mouth dipped. Taking a hand out of his pocket, he reached down picking up the corner of the tape. With one quick move he ripped it from her lips. The woman gasped and turned her head down. Her eyebrows furrowed together while she bided the pain in silence. Tears began to form at the corner of her eyes, and then her irises made their way back to Crosse with mercy.
“I d-don’t understand,” she whispered in a voice like a creek of a door. “Why me?”
Crosse leaned over with that distasteful flavor beginning to salivate in his mouth again. “The question is, why not you?” He flashed his eyes on Lavira.
Lavira straightened her back. “Melissa Rodriguez. Mother of two, married and-” She looked down with a faint smirk. “She loves the dollar bill.”
“Greed is your sin, darling.” Crosse’s hands held Melissa’s jaw firmly, halting any retorts. “Tell me about her, Lavira. Tell me why she’s a sinner.” Crosse let his eyes wander the fear that was evident on Melissa’s face.
Lavira licked her red lips. “Greedily she takes from people. She steals it from their pockets – not literally, but stealthily. The poor victims don’t even realize until their empty of every penny. She uses people like slaves, her friends and her family, until there is no one left to take from.” Lavira crossed her arms. “She’s a witch in disguise, I’m telling you myself.”
Crosse clicked his tongue and released his hold. Her cheeks were rosy with his fingerprints.
As soon as he let go, she opened her mouth. “How? How do you know so much about my personal life? Who are you?!” Her eyes teared as she spoke. “I only did it for my children. I just wanted to live a good life! Growing up I had nothing! You have to understand. I wanted a good life for them.” Her arms struggled as she tried to pull her hands from the knot behind her back. “Let me go, I didn’t break any laws, it was all legal.”
Shaking his head, Crosse glanced at Lavira. “Lock her away.”
“What?” Melissa shook her head, her hands reached out for Crosse’s feet. “Please, don’t do this to me! I’ll do whatever you want, please don’t do this to me. I have children, I have a family!”
Crosse was disgusted just by the sight of her pleading. She knew how to act pitiful, scared, but inside it all just ashes. Her heart was burned long ago by her own inner demon. For that, she’d have to pay full price.
Lavira’s fierce clutch on Melissa’s arm had shut her lips. “You should’ve thought about your family a little sooner, darling,” Lavira hissed in her ear. “Now look where your acts have gotten you to.” With a push, Lavira led the woman to another room and closed the door, enclosing the both of them.
Crosse dropped to his seat and listened to Melissa’s protest from beyond the door. He was going to get tired of this hunting, he knew that much. He picked up his glass but didn’t drink from it. His tongue swept over his teeth as he heard the last sound of struggling and then silence.
Lavira stepped out of the room and closed the door silently behind her. With the back of her hand, she wiped the sweat off her forehead. “I’m telling you, if the rest of the six sinners are like that one, I might just quit ahead of time.” She drooped into the chair in front of him and plucked the glass from his hands. She placed the rim to her lips and let the wine roll onto her tongue.
Crosse wrinkled his nose while eyeing her. “I’ll be sure to get you some help.” She offered him the glass but she shook his hand. He didn’t like sharing glasses, even with Lavira.
She wiped her lips with her thumb. “Right, because the great Lucifer Crosse knows the dirty demons that will be more than happy to do his bidding, correct?” She cocked her head. “Can you get me butler while you’re at it? I wouldn’t mind a tall, dark and handsome one at that,” she said with a shrug. “I can’t remember the last time I had a nice fling.”
“Hmm,” Crosse answered automatically. “We’ll see.” His hand reached into his vest and he pulled out a picture, uninterested in Lavira’s talk of her seduction skills. “This is your next task, Lavira. Find me this girl.” He set the small picture on the table and slid it over.
She lifted a brow at him and then studied the girl in the picture. “Who is she?”
“Kristabel Westchester.” Crosse reached back into his pocket and pulled out his golden pocket watch. It was old, a bit dusted on the inside glass but the seconds still ticked away. He faced his reflection in the ancient clock and pressed his lips together. “She lives not too far from here. Shouldn’t take you long to get her in.”
Her long red nails scratched the table as she picked up the picture and looked at it. “Ah…how chaste.” Lavira’s eyes sparked. “What’s the deal with this one?”
“It’s a surprise,” he smirked.
She tucked the small picture into the left breast of her dress. “Noted.” She made her way to the door. Lavira turned her head and peered at Crosse from over her shoulder. There was something in her eyes that made him curious, but it disappeared in a second and made him question whether there was anything there to begin with.

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3290
Reviews 27
Hello! I'm going to start off with nitpicks.

Today was one of those days he actually enjoyed a silent date night with wine and silence.


This is a little awkward sounding. I get what you're trying to say, but I think you could rephrase it.

His nails tapped alongside the corner of the glass table like the seconds of a clock.


Again, this is awkward sounding. Maybe you could try something like "His nails tapped on the corner of the glass table. The sound reminded him of seconds ticking away on a clock." Ick, that was horrible, but I think you get the point. :)

A second later, Lavira came in with tied women at her feet.


Put an "a" between the "with" and the "tied".

Normally, Lavira was the lollipop of men’s eyes but right now she looked as if she’d been thrown in the dumpster, then into a lake and then just barely managed to crawl back out with heels on all while keeping her tiny red dress intact.


This sentence is a little too long for me. Try breaking it up into smaller pieces.

A smile lingered over his lips seeing her in this condition.


This would sound better as: "Seeing her in this condition brought a slight smile to his lips." or something to that effect.

She must’ve been cursing the heavens out inside right now.


This confused me a bit. Was she cursing the heavens inside her head?

She tucked the small picture into the left breast of her dress. “Noted.” She turned around and made her way to the door. Lavira turned her head and peered at Crosse from over her shoulder. There was something in her eyes that made Crosse suspicious but it disappeared in a second and made him question whether there was anything there to begin with. The door closed after she left and Crosse resumed drinking.


I know you said that the ending was terrible, but I didn't think it was. I think that it wraps everything up quite nicely. For a prologue, this was very well done. I have a basic idea of what the story might be about and I'm definitely interested in reading more. It was a little slow-paced for me; maybe you could have added in a little bit more action or suspense. Your characters could have used a little more personality too. I realize that they might not be your main characters, but I think that they need to "pop" a little more; give them a unique personality trait or a quirky way of talking.

Other than those nit-picky things, I couldn't find anything wrong with this! Your descriptions and dialogue were well done and your plot interests me so far.

I hope this helped a teeny bit.

- Jelly
"Whatever will happen, will happen. You either face it as a coward or you face it as a hero." - O.R. Melling

Write Like A Girl

Tumblr of the Awesome Possum




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1457
Reviews 76
I read it. The overall plot is great, and your writing is well-developed. However, I can't help but notice the sexual underpinnings of this segment. Is he a rapist or something? Is he literally the Devil, going after lustful women?

I'm confused too...

Maybe you'll help explain this to the distraught reader in Chapter One. It was a little disturbing to me :shock:

As for your characters, they didn't seem to have a deeper level, you know? The witch was a typical baddie and Crosse was very cool and composed. In your next segment, you should try to introduce some motives and background to hook the reader. :)

I really liked it and will read more!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 44887
Reviews 816
Thanks for the comment and no, he's not some kind of rapist. In fact, there are a lot of reasons but apparently there had to be a lot of bad reasons in the beginning for the plot. I should probably change that if it freaks people out too much...Hmmm.

The novel is a bit creepy, I must admit.
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9692
Reviews 3900
Hello, my favorite leader! :D

Crosse raised his head while watching a child trip and land in a puddle. His mother lifted him up and around her waist then jogged for shelter.


You didn't actually specify the child's gender, so it's weird to call him a him.

Reaching out his thin fingers, he grasped the bottle and poured himself a glass. Sitting down, he pressed his back against the chair and took a steady sip of the red liquid. The wine burned its way down his throat and nestled in his stomach.


AHHHHHHHH.

Okay. I live in California in wine country. Like, Napa is right next door. And there's a winery that I pass when I go to school. Etc., etc. Also, I like wine. I really, really do.

With that said, your description of wine sucks balls. I mean, that's how people who DON'T know how to drink wine drink it. And those people generally don't drink wine because they don't know how to drink it properly and enjoy it. If Crosse is indeed a sophisticated guy (it sounds like he is!) he would know better than to drink wine like beer, because you don't drink wine like beer.

*le sigh*

First, you don't just open, pour, and drink. That would be nasty. The wine needs to be exposed to air for a bit, otherwise the flavor is not smooth and mellow and there is a tannin taste to it which doesn't really taste too great. So, you open the wine and let it sit for a bit. Then you pour. When you pour, you don't just drink it. You swirl it in your glass so that it gets further exposure to air. Then you smell it. See, wine isn't just a tasting experience. You want to experience it with as many senses as possible. So, you smell it. Then you look and see if there are streaks on the glass as you swirl it. Those are called "legs." If you don't have good legs in your glass of wine, it probably sucks and it'll taste really thin and acidic and bad. That's cheap wine. Don't ever get it. Then! You taste it. Sip it. Also, drink it would food. Crackers and cheese is really good. I recommend Brie. But yeah. Wine without food is kind of ridiculous. If you don't want food, you might as well drink liquor.

Here's something that kind of explains it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjvSb_gGVNY

Yeah. This is one of those things that 1) I wish you lived closer and 2) I wish you were of drinking age, lol. I would totally go wine-tasting with you, otherwise! But, hey now you at least have a better idea, hopefully? :)

Like ticking seconds, his nails tapped against the table.


So, he's drinking wine and tapping his nails on the table at the same time? It sounds like too much.

"How? How do you know so much about my personal life? Who are you?!" she growled. "So what? So what if I'm greedy? So what if I like money? Wha's it to you? Why do you care?" she barked. Her eyes were absent of any pitiful emotions. "Who are you people?" Her arms struggled as she tried to pull her hands from the knot behind her back. "Let me go."


I don't think the woman would say that. I think she would be busy pleading for herself instead of being defensive and stuff. Also... really? Interrobang? Choose one and stick with it. It looks really cheesy otherwise.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3420
Reviews 126
Oh wow I certainly love this. It was definitely enticing and I couldn't peal my eyes away for anything! It was exciting and made me curious, which is exactly what a prologue should do. I love these characters and this idea. The seven deadly sins have always interested me, for some strange reason, so I love that they are used in this. I really like Crosse. He seems stoic and uninterested, but serious. And then Lavira seems like a party-er ;P
Okay so onto the nit-picks:

A second later, Lavira came in with a tied women at her feet.


*cough* woMAN *cough* singular ;)

Today was one of those days he actually enjoyed a silent date night with wine and silence.


This seemed awkward while I was reading it. I think you should put a comma between "enjoyed" and "a" either a comma or a semicolon... (I stink at semicolon placing, so I'm not sure if it's a semicolon, or a comma that you want there)

“I’ve found us…our first sinner,” she said breathlessly. He eyed the witch up and down. Normally, Lavira was the lollipop of men’s eyes but right now she looked as if she’d been thrown in the dumpster, then into a lake and then just barely managed to crawl back out with heels on all while keeping her red dress intact. Impressive.


First of all it's "mens' eyes" the apostrophe comes after the s when you're referring to multiple people. And second of all.... I laughed. Yup, I did. the line about her appearance was quite funny. Very funny indeed. I laughed out loud. It was funny cause I could picture it! XD

She tucked the small picture into the left breast of her dress. “Noted.” She made her way to the door. Lavira turned her head and peered at Crosse from over her shoulder. There was something in her eyes that made Crosse curious, but it disappeared in a second and made him question whether there was anything there to begin with. The door closed after she left and Crosse resumed drinking.


Ooohhh you devil lady. Oh yes, oh yes. This last line totally caught my interest and now I just CAN'T STOP THERE!! So Imma go and read the rest now! ;)
If there's a 50/50 chance of getting something wrong go for it anyway because there is also a 50/50 chance of getting it right

I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity. ~Edgar Allen Poe




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4674
Reviews 151
Hi!

This was a little confusing, but I actually really liked it! I liked how it had a lot of mystery in it, and the description at the beginning was amazing! I can't wait to read the next part, because I want to know what happens next! Awesome job overall! :)
Forever for All <3

MUSIC RULES! :)

Everyday is Earth Day! :D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 19723
Reviews 225
All right, so I've decided to not be so lazy and read the prologue despite the fact that I just read chapter one.. XD
Here I go!

I'm afraid I won't be of much use for a review. Everything I might've mentioned has already been said, so not point in repeating myself.

The prologue was well done; I like your way of writing. (I didn't think the prologue was creepy at all) ;)

I am glad though that I was right about Lavira being bad..It was kinda obvious in the first chapter, but I still say it's because of my super observation skills, muhaha 8)
Keep them coming!!
Got a story you'd like reviewed?
topic75101.html

Punctuation is the difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma".




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 30301
Reviews 770
Okay, how in the world can I manage to do a thorough and lengthy review after all these great ones? And OMG, SnoinK! I need to move to Wine Country. Now! You could drink with me: I'm of legal age in all countries!

Well, okay Wifey, here I am. I read this the other day at work but didn't get around to actually reviewing.

I think what I liked the most about this was the descriptions. They were very visual, the way you describe Lavira's appearance, the woman hog tied on the floor. The imagery of Crosse drinking his wine in silence (Although you didn't write it well, I loved the scene that presented itself in my mind :))

What I also really enjoyed were your characters. They came to life for me. They are the type of characters that are so alive, that I'd open a book, read one of their sentences and immediately know who was speaking (without the tag, of course!)

I must say that I'm quite curious about this, especially since reading the 'info' in your story club. Can't wait to see where this is going, nice work so far!

Wifey.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 44360
Reviews 1087
Yippeeee! I'm finally here. xD

This review's going to have to be brief because I've got about 20 minutes, but hey, I'll try to help.

Thanks for the comment and no, he's not some kind of rapist.

... Is it worrying that I'm disappointed?

Okay, so this seems cool, and it actually seems unlike the other writing of yours that I've read. It'll definitely be interesting to see where you take this. And seriously, I'm so jealous at your descriptions. I suck so badly at descriptions myself. You've done a great job of them here, but you've also got a balance of your descriptions. They don't feel too clumpy, but it's not like there are too little of them either. There was the odd awkward phrase here and there, but that's something I'm more than guilty of, so I won't scold you for that. All in all though, grammar and such was awesome.

The only critique I really have for you is one you may disagree with anyway. Basically, I can't help but feel that some of your characters are a little cliché. Obviously, I won't judge too much because this is only the prologue and we hardly know the characters yet. Nonetheless, I haven't had an OMG, so awesome first impression. Don't get me wrong, they are interesting, but aspects of them hint at cliche. I mean, you've got the leader dude who's like, "no sweat, home dawgs," and is all cool and chilled about everything with a hint of mystery. You've got the rather bitter assistant person, and the prisoner who's rebellious, but clearly scared. They're all things I've seen before, I guess.

To be honest though, I think that's more of a warning than a critique. Right now, I don't think it's an enormous problem, but within the next few parts, be sure to show what makes your characters different to other characters who are similar to them. I have complete trust in you that you'll do this, so I won't attack you too much about it.

Overall, awesome job, m'dear!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4346
Reviews 71
I'm so so sorry for being too late here. :( A lot of people already reviewed. I had a lot of stuff to do and every time I get online, something stops me from reading this -.-
But I'm here now! I'm going to look all stupid here, because I only found one nitpick, even though you do know I like a piece full of mistakes so I could be mean! :P
**********************


“Hmm,” Crosse answered automatically.

I was slightly confused with the automatic 'Hmm'. That thoughtful sound comes from the throat and I can't imagine how it could be automatic. Yet again, maybe you should make the "we'll see" after that automatic, instead of the "hmm".

Girl, I liked this improved Prologue a lot, more than the old one. Greed instead of the sin you were going to use is much much better. I'm not saying that because I'm not a fan of the previous sin, but because it isn't necessary to start a novel with such a serious sin. I realized that fact when I read this prologue. It made me feel comfortable, while the prologue introduces an important side of the novel, but does it gently. (Nothing gentle about locking people up, but you know what I mean!)
I also liked how you edited the part where Lavera gets very annoyed and nags about the deadline he gave her. Here, when she professionally accepted it, I sensed how superior Crosse was over her. It triggered my mind to think about the reason behind that: Was she scared of him? Did she respect him?

I really like this version and this, I think, is the first prologue I like in any novel I ever wished to read. Well done, girl. And sorry for being too late :( Really.
I'm back to my YWS after months of disappearance, hoping that I'd gain the immunity of books and quills against the harmful realism of our world.

In case this made no sense, I'm just saying that I'm happy I'm back!




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 3183
Reviews 189
Hey, PSW! This has been on my reading list for a while, but I've only just gotten the time to have a proper read of everything :D

The wine burned its way down his throat and nestled in his stomach.

I know that snoink's mentioned how to drink wine, but what you've described is actually a pretty unpleasant feeling! I can't stand wine at all, so I know it too well, but it can also happen with any other kind of alcohol. From what experience I've had forced upon me (mostly white and rosé, admittedly not so much reds) there isn't really that much of a burning sensation when you drink it unless it's a pretty acidic one, and feeling it sit in the pit of your stomach is awful and not at all enjoyable, and usually comes from drinking on an empty stomach. It can actually get pretty painful sometimes D:

“I’ve found us…our first sinner,” she said breathlessly. He eyed the witch up and down. Normally, Lavira was the lollipop of men’s eyes but right now she looked as if she’d been thrown in the dumpster, then into a lake and then just barely managed to crawl back out with heels on all while keeping her red dress intact. Impressive.

Witch refers tp Lavira, right? I wasn't sure for a moment if you meant the woman tied up at her feet. Also! What time frame is this set within? When I started reading I got the general impression that this was sort of ye-olde-england (admittedly perhaps because I've been playing Echo Bazaar, and I get a similar sort of vibe from this, a good thing!) so lollipop seemed a bit out of place to me, but then we have things mentioned that are more indicative of a modern setting (tape, dumpster, restaurant) Also, as an aside on the dumpster front, my spell check doesn't even recognise it because it's just not a word that's used here in England. I'm not sure if that's where the whole thing is going to be set, but thinking about it now, Rodriguez is not a name that you would be likely to come across in England at all either.

The first time I read about the dress, I thought that you meant that, despite the fact that she was a mess, her dress was still immaculate, which I'm not sure is what you were going for. Perhaps 'in one piece' rather then 'intact, would be more appropriate? Also, it's something I've never really understood; why do people that appear to be bag guys (demons, vampires, and their fellow ilk) always have to dress as though it's a fancy occasion, even when they're doing dirty work? I guess it's just never seemed too practical to me ;)

Lavira used her pale fingers to wipe her dark, thick wavy hair away from her chocolate eyes.

Too much she!

She was a female, no older than twenty-five at most. Her clothes were covered in a blanket of mud and dirt. The woman’s mouth was taped and her hands were tied behind her back with a constricted rope.

We've already been told that she's female, so the first part is kinda redundant? Also constricted seems like a really really funny word to use here :s

I know that snoinkums has already mentioned it, but I agree in that Melissa's response to hearing her crimes, it just doesn't feel real. Everyone likes to feel like they're a good person, that what they do isn't quite so bad, or that we can justify it to somehow make it okay. I lived with a godawful girl last year (who at one time even said that she wasn't going to stop making me miserable until I killed myself) and when faced with the repercussions of her actions, you would not believe the lengths that she went to to try and excuse herself from them; that it wasn't really her fault, that it was all of these other things and that no-one could really blame or hate her for it.

I think, rather than having Melissa admit her sins, would it not be better to have her try and excuse them and somehow make them okay? It seems like that would be a more human response, to try and shake off the blame onto something or someone else, in my opinion anyway. (Also, I kinda didn't understand what she did in the restaurant? D: that could just be me being dense though)

I'm so glad that I finally get a chance to read this! I could picture is all really well in my mind, the lush settings of the hotel room and the abysmal weather outside XD I got really excited when you mentioned that Melissa's sin was greed, and even more so when you mentioned the 'six others', because I have a bit of a thing for stores based around the seven deadly sins :D it's always an interesting concept. I've been watching a drama called 'the quiz show' that pulls it off really well, they don't explicitly mention which contestant is which sin but it becomes more and more obvious as time goes on and the stories become clearer.

As an antagonist, I quite like Crosse. He's got that suitable detachment from what he's doing without becoming emotionally involved; I can imagine him with a handsome face with strong sharp features, and cold eyes :) Lavira I'm not so sure on, but at this point I suppose we've not been introduced to her enough to be able to form a particularly solid opinion.

One thing I will mention, is that sometimes your sentences are a bit short, and tend to lack a little impact, take the Crosse ignored her paragraph, each of those sentences (with the exception of one) is only a single clause long, and so when reading it there isn't a great deal of rhythm or surprise. I think that you may have the opposite problem to me (I'm terrible with run-one sentences and will throw commas in everywhere), but I think it's something that's easily fixed. You can probably pick up on most of it by just reading over it, but one thing that I've found really useful it to read it out aloud, that way you can get a real feel for the natural flow of the story.

Anyway, I hope that I've been of some use to you! I'm going to have to take a peek at chapter 1 when I get the time!

-Tinny
please grant me my small wish; (love me to the marrow of my bones)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 58538
Reviews 553
Hey Pink!

His mother lifted him up and around her waist then jogged for shelter.
Around her waist what?


Lavira used her tan fingers to wipe her dark, thick wavy hair away from her chocolate eyes.
I like the sentence, but don't you think you're clogging one poor sentence with so many adjectives? Right now I can say that you can remove the colour of her eyes and fit it somewhere else. If your readers are served so many descriptions/adjectives at one point, there are chances they won't remember any of them.


I just can't express it in words that how much I liked reading your story. I have seen that most of your stories are different and you have your element to them, which is just what I love reading. The whole mysterious setting in the beginning seemed so cool, him drinking wine, looking outside the windows and I was actually curious to know what or how was he going to be related to the story. Normally, there are some characters in prologue which don't appear again or they have little importance ahead so I was just curious to know where he stood.

The thing that Skins said, which you might feel is being repeated is that I too felt that your character, not characters was a bit cliched. That being said, I felt the demon was a bit...weird. Even though I am saying he seems cliched for a character, I didn't get his character too well. Right now, if I have to, I can't place him on either of the sides. Neither on the good side and neither on the bad one. So, he's kind of hanging in the middle, which I don't want him to. Either you make him despicable, or make us love him. I won't push you too much with this one since it's just the beginning, but he seems a bit regular for a villain.

As for Lavira, I am quite interested to know more about her. She's sexy, mean and good at what she does. I am also guessing that something might brew up[ between her and Crosse, but you never know. :wink: As for now, she is my favourite and I can't wait to read more from her. She's one of those powerful, ruthless women, only she is a witch. I am also going to tell you that you need to have some solid character for her since witches are quite intriguing to read 'bout.

My one important nit-pick would be about your descriptions. They were adorable, I must say, and I could see how much hard you had worked on the story and in particular on them. But something about them seemed off to me in a sense that sometimes you were using too many 'adjectives' and it seemed more of adjectitvitis situation than anything else. You know instead of stopping the story and describing you were having descriptions all over. Some sentence would talk about her cherry lips(which I liked, actually) and then in other you had some other feature. I'd end by saying that you have other ways of fleshing out the personality and appearance of a character other than using just adjectives.

Sorry for the unhelpful review, but I'll try making up for it. :wink:

~Shrubs
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore



Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
— Thomas Edison